Ah, Memorial Day weekend. Barbecues, beer swilling, driving like an absolute asshat on the highway… Yes, its a holiday steeped in a tradition of excess. And if you're going on a long road trip, you'll wear out the palms of your hand laying on the horn because that jackass monkey from Massachusetts is driving in the left lane and barely going the speed limit. You will need a computer program to generate new swear words because sociopathic suck pumps keep pulling out in front of you and then slowing to the speed of crippled slugs.
Holiday drivers suck. People suck. And cops will be everywhere to make sure you don't stomp on the gas in a vain attempt to pull away from the morons. Too bad we're not in Texas. In Texas, they sneakily keep upping the speed limit a little bit more each year. Some analyst predict that, by the year 2010, Texans will be allowed to drive at half the speed of light.
Yeehaw! Texans who brag they do things bigger and better now can go faster too. State transportation officials on Thursday boosted speed limits on two stretches of rural highway from 75 mph to 80 – the nation's highest posted speed limit. Not everyone is happy: "You can repeal the speed limit law, but you can't repeal the law of physics. People don't survive crashes at these excessive speeds," said Tom "Smitty" Smith, Texas director of the consumer advocacy group Public Citizen.
In Maine, we tend to justify our own inadequate holiday plans by blaming the traffic on the roads. Go ahead, ask a handful of your friends what they're doing over the big weekend. More than half of them will tell you, in exasperated tones: "Oh, we're staying home. Who wants to be out with all those assholes on the road?" Truth is, that woman forgot about the holiday and spent all her money on lottery tickets. So she'll buy the kids one of those ankle deep inflatable pools and start hitting the gin and tonics at noon rather than at suppertime. And who can blame her?
So, for those of you keeping the car in the driveway this weekend, here's to you. I hope you drink a lot, get belligerent and stumble in here to air your grievances. I declare the Lost Sole a repercussion free zone where you can bitch about anyone and anything you want and no one will call your probation officer. Go nuts. Let loose. Hit on anyone you want. Just remember, if you vomit while passed out on your back, you will die.