Pig out
I’ll come clean with you. I’m lousy on the barbecue. My burgers are either so rare that a good veterinarian could save the animals, or so burned they look and taste like charred rocks. I have never barbecued chicken without snatching it bald on the grill and there have been maimings. Horrible, horrible maimings.
But I do like fire and cooked animal flesh. So I happily relenquish that manly duty to those who fancy themselves afficinados of the barbecue. And I don’t care whether its gas or good old briquettes, either. I’ve seen fist fights break out over that debate, and I just steal burgers while the fists are flying.
I know a few of you will be grilling dead things this weekend and I want to do my part to help out. Here are some spiffy directions for roasting a pig. I take no responsibility for maimings that result.
To calculate the size pig you’ll need, plan 1 1/4 pounds per guest. Most roasting pigs weigh between 60 pounds and 130 pounds dressed. Most of your guests, on the other hand, will be enormous.
Determine ahead of time what temperature you want the hog cooked at, usually between 225 F and 325 F. A 60-pound pig cooked at 325 F will take about 4 hours. Lower temperatures or larger pigs can more than double that time. Do not try to microwave the pig.
If you rent roasting equipment, you’ll probably need a vehicle with a tow hook. Most barbecues are mounted on trailers. If you live north of Lewiston, disregard this. All vehicles north of Lewiston have tow hooks.
Large refrigeration space is essential for storing the pig until you are ready to roast. Barbecue experts suggest using the back of a pickup truck filled with ice. Yes, there are such things as barbecue experts. They all wear aprons that say “Kiss the cook.” They all think this is funny.
Roasting a 50-pound pig will require about 40 pounds of charcoal, plus several small hardwood logs (for smoke). Try not to titter each time you say hardwood logs.
