Monkey see, monkey do

April 1, 2006 at 1:04 am (Uncategorized)

Monkey pee all over you. 46.jpg

But seriously, folks. I went through my blog folder tonight looking for items that were too risque to post on the other site. And wouldn't you know it? Most of them are gone. There were some doozies, too. But alas, all I have there now are photos you've already seen. Except for old Sucky McSuck Monkey here.

Maybe it's for the best. We've been liberated, sure. But who needs a reputation as a smut hound? Not me. Especially since the problems I ran into over in Germany. But let's not talk about my first marriage.

*** 

A frustrated German housewife called police because her husband would not stop watching porn movies.

The 34-year-old woman, from Aachen, dialed the emergency police number and told the dispatcher in a weepy voice there was an emergency.But when officers arrived at the scene they found her pacing the apartment while her husband, 46, sat in front of the TV watching a blue movie.

She told the police: "Nothing will move him, not even if I offer him the real thing, and he has the TV on so loud I'm sure the neighbours can hear it."

She was told however that there was nothing the police could do in such a case, but refer her to a counselor for help.

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85 Comments

  1. Bulldog said,

    Now men have another animal to be jealous of- (dogs being the first because they can lick their balls)

  2. fake FB said,

    lucky monkey

  3. brenda said,

    ok, I’ll go take my medicine & maybe I’ll dream of self-suckin monkeys
    🙂

    have fun!

  4. A.O. said,

    I personally don’t know what this woman is complaing about. At least her husband is being entertained and, he’s leaving her alone!

    Hey, had anybody seen all the new pictures posted in The Vault?

  5. brenda said,

    yeah I saw them

  6. "The Weasel" said,

    WTF

  7. A.O. said,

    Weasel!! You’ve found your way back to us.

  8. Bobbie said,

    Glad to see you back Weasel.

  9. Mainetarr said,

    Goodmorning my blogging buddies

  10. A.O. said,

    Good morning to you too, MT.

  11. Mainetarr said,

    I am off to Target and Miccuci’s market–time to stock up on Italian cuisine. I’ll be back to get caught up later. Hope everyone has a good day.

  12. brenda said,

    Any good april fool’s jokes today?

  13. K2 said,

    Ah, good old monkey cock. A trusted friend in the realm of humor. I mean, before language was developed, all our primate ancestors had for entertainment were cock tricks. There was no “Two Jews walk into a bar. . . .,” just the ol’ pop-the-pecker-in-the-mouth gag. (Pun intended.) Worked everytime, and with a recently sold-out Off-Broadway production of cock-trick theatre, it shows that while evolution has led to our advancements, it forever connects us to our monkey-cock past.

    And has there ever been funnier video than that chimp digging at his own stink star, then smelling his fouled digits, causing him to fall precipitously from his tree-limb perch? I think not.

  14. Martha said,

    LOL Brenda, that’s what I was just thinking.. tell you what.. If Mark will tell me how to post it, I’ll post a pic of me and my grandson in the vault.. that ought to be a good joke on everyone.

  15. K2 said,

    Well, I did hear that April Fool’s in National Atheists’ Day. ‘Course, I don’t believe it.

  16. Gil said,

    Dan walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the fat bastard that they don’t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, Dan assures him that he has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. ”I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, ”we don’t have any.” ”But I always get it here,” says DA Dan. ”Do you have the container it comes in?” ”Yes!” he says, ”I will go and get it.” He returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to him, ”This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.” Dan, annoyed, snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: ”To apply, push up bottom.”

  17. A.O. said,

    Martha, Just mail your picture to Mark. He’ll post it.

  18. Martha said,

    Ok.. AO.. sounds like a plan to me…

    Mark, look for mail from thinkinslow@aol.com.. I’ll send it tonight or tomorrow, so he’ll have time to see that address and not delete it as spam.

  19. A.O. said,

    Ha. I love your email address Martha.

  20. Martha said,

    LOL AO… if I don’t take the time to think slow, believe me.. it isn’t a good thing

  21. "The Weasel" said,

    For some F#@#ing reason my computer at home is not allowing to post. I blame the FAT Bastard of the fucking Kaiser. I’m Working on it and will attempt to blog later.

    Love to all and Fuck you KY LOL

  22. "The Weasel" said,

    FUCK>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

  23. LaFlamme said,

    Man, I don’t get that one, Weasel. Maybe try kicking your computer a few dozen times.

    Crap. I forgot to write the April Fool’s piece. Had one planned. Joke’s on me, I guess.

  24. A.O. said,

    I can’t believe that you forgot to write an April Fool’s blog. You of all people.

  25. Gil said,

    Well, I guess that Our View is now being run into the ground. I posted a response this morning and was given the “we’ll review your post” line. As of now it is still not up. It was a rather civil response, no nastiness or name calling. Either they have decided that I can no longer post or they are just lazy. Either way, I think I’m all done with those ass hats.
    By the way, word is that Dan is being given his own blog. That seems fair.

  26. A.O. said,

    Dan is a blog…er…blob.

  27. LaFlamme said,

    I haven’t even checked in at the ol’ SJ site lately. Losing the blogs will cost them hundreds, nay THOUSANDS of hits each day. Too bad. But at least we can post pics of monkey peni over here.

  28. LaFlamme said,

    I just posted in Our View and it went right through. Am I special?

  29. A.O. said,

    Thank God we can post these pics. I just don’t know what my day would have been like if I hadn’t seen this monkey wang.

  30. A.O. said,

    Or, as someone (Weasel) may call it , monkey meat.

  31. LaFlamme said,

    Ha! Yeah. This one’s for Weasel.

    I had some great pics that never made it to Street Talk. Not sure what happened to them.

  32. A.O. said,

    I think that the blog police must have confiscated them.

    Jeez, Mark, anything exciting happening out there? This has got to be one of the logest days…..YAWN!

  33. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah, I’m suffering that ennui, too. I was gonna break out my new bike, but now it’s raining. What to do, what to do.

  34. A.O. said,

    I’ve only been out once today. What a boring day.

  35. LaFlamme said,

    Totally. Where’s MT? We should go out and raise some hell. I’m sending Corey’s dad down to Mr. Paperback to find out what’s happening with my book. I heard they sold out a couple days ago.

  36. A.O. said,

    Where else? She’s shopping! I’d love to go out and raise some hell. Got any good ideas?

  37. A.O. said,

    Hey, MT just called. She wants to go out and play Beano tonight. Wonder if we could raise hell at a Beano hall?

  38. Mainetarr said,

    Hey Mr. LaFlamme, I am back. Looking for something to do this evening. I am too damn efficient around here. Chores all done, meals all cooked. I can;t decide if I want to go to Off Track Betting or go play Bingo. I am such an old lady. But I feel lucky and want to gamble. I got megabucks and powerball tickets. Did you remember Mark?

  39. A.O. said,

    Thought you were going to play Bingo?

  40. Linda said,

    Does this mean it’ll be a quiet night here in the bunker? I plan to phone my granddaughter in Australia (it’s her birthday), then either go to a fundraiser concert or else stay home and watch basketball, and then maybe check the blogs. If there’s nothing happening here I may have to go read yarnharlot dot com. The choice depends on all of you, but no pressure or anything.
    The typical Saturday night dearth of excitement. That’s what it is to live in rural Maine, but then I’d rather be here than Florida, MARK, WHAT COULD YOU BE THINKING??

  41. A.O. said,

    I’d go to the fundraiser, Linda. Saturday nights in the Lost Sole are usually quiet. Friday’s are the fun nights. But, then again, you never know who may show up.

  42. Bulldog said,

    This day has gone by way to quick! and tomorrow, we lose an hour! I hate that!! Screws me all up. It was really nice up here today. Until, I had to go and say, “gee, what’s with this nice weather? I thought it was gonna rain today?” Within 10 minutes after saying that, it started pouring and it hasn’t stopped since. My man is quite pissed off at me (like I have the power or something like that). wuteva!

  43. A.O. said,

    Bulldog, Pour him a drink and put on your maid outfit. He won’t be pissed anymore. Like you had something to do with the rain.

  44. A.O. said,

    And, how are you feeling? I’m hoping that you’re better. SMOOCH!!

  45. LaFlamme said,

    Whoa! Is it spring forward time already?

  46. A.O. said,

    Hey!! Some excitment!! SPRING FORWARD!! YEHA!!

  47. Herb said,

    Yes, for the firswt time in many years, the State of Indiana, or most of it anyway, has decided to join the rest of civilization and use Daylight Saving time. Bulldog hope you feel better, A.O. enjoy it. Bye Bye

  48. Anonymous said,

    Mark, did you get the picture I sent you for the vault?

  49. Martha said,

    Sorry Mark, that last post was me.

  50. LaFlamme said,

    Nope. I got nuthin.

  51. Martha said,

    Mark look for mail from thinkinslow@aol.com. There is a picture of me with my grandson Zach

  52. A.O. said,

    Enjoy what, Herb? Bye, bye? Are you leaving us again? Don’t you like the new place?

  53. K2 said,

    May I interject with something a friend sent me recently? Tough shit, here it is anyway:

    Ask Your Doctor Today…

    Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

    If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

    Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

    Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

    Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind.(tm)

  54. A.O. said,

    Hey, K2! Gotta tell you, I’m glad I don’t like Tequila. And, I’ve heard it makes your clothes fall off. Sheesh..

  55. Oompa Loompa said,

    Double shot of Tequila for AO then! And make it quick!

  56. A.O. said,

    Hey, Oompa Loompa. I hate Tequila. Makes my clothes fall off…according to the song, that is.

  57. Oompa Loompa said,

    It sure is quiet here, dunno where everyones hiding…

    Maintarr, how was MIcucci’s…they used to have the best Roast beef around, and the provolone is first class….

    Beano vs. OTB hmmmm I’m going for the OTB nothing like real gaming while watching the ponies….

    Thank God there’s a convention in may at Fox woods, I need my employer to pay to make that trip worthwhile…its been a while and I hear the blackjack tables calling my name…..

    2 more weeks till vacation in Nags Head, the ocean is also calling me….

    Yeah Im dragging on and on but what the heck, no one is here anyway right?

    AO figure it out yet?

  58. K2 said,

    Funny how, back in the day, Tequila was seen as rot gut; but now, there’s high-end stuff that pushes half a bill or more. Kinda like Vodka: how distilled fermented potatoes can get $40 or more a bottle, I’ll never know. Classic Smirnoff was always fine with me. Fuck, give me Popov, I don’t really care.

    Anyway, for New Year’s ’98, I did 13 shots of Tequila in 13 mintues, and, well, thank goodness I didn’t end up dead or in detox. And my wife saved me from my vulture friends. I was mere carrion at that point, assuming dead carcasses are capable of projectile voimitting, whilst writhing in a bath tub full of their own filth.

    Of course, my fearless shot-companion, Brad, did four more after I blacked out, and he was literally fine. Of course, he had a gut comparable to Jabba the Hut., so advantage: Brad. (Did Jabba . . . like . . . ever bang Princess Leah or what? He did have that long-ass tongue, now that I think of it.)

  59. Oompa Loompa said,

    I heard that boout you AO, you ready for the second round….

  60. Oompa Loompa said,

    Thanks K2, somehow I just cant get those visions out of my head….I recalla college roomate going nuts one night to celebrate something, started with kegged beer, then tequila, then champagne, then Old Turkey whiskey…..projectile vomit at about 3 AM….
    asked for a new room by 6 AM when the heat came on and wamred all that nasty stuff..

    Hey, on another subject, anybody know any good car salesmen/saleswomen? I spent 5 hours last Saturday and 2 hours today and couldn’t even get the time of day at Rowe or Emerson’s….Its a sad day when people on commission are turning down my business and not even offering to make an appointment or call me back because they are “too busy”…so much for the bad economy, they seem to be doing quite well, but I still dont have a new car.

  61. Martha said,

    WARNING!!!! If you’re buying a car.. I CANNOT recommend Emersons.. my ex works in their service department…. ‘nough said?

  62. Oompa Loompa said,

    Geez Martha, going a bit deep with that knife huh…should I bring back the Trailblazer and blame it on him?

    THose pesky ex’s again…

  63. A.O. said,

    Tell you what, Oompa Loompa, come and see me at my store and I’ll guide you to a good car sale’s man/woman. DEAL?

  64. A.O. said,

    And…please tell me where we’ve shopped together. I DON’T shop. Hate it.

  65. Bobbie said,

    Should anyone see a post with my “real” name on it, it isn’t me posting. I refuse to post under that name.

    And if anyone can shed some light on why Herb is saying he now has a problem with me, I would greatly appreciate it.

  66. A.O. said,

    Bobbie, I think Herb has a problem with ALL of us. Please, don’t worry about it. And, I’m sure, after reading this, Herb will think I hate him. No, I don’t. I just think that he thinks that we all do.

  67. Bobbie said,

    I’m not worried about it. I was just wondering what was going on when I checked on another blog and Herb is going off on me for no apparent reason. When he used my “real” name, the only thing that I could think of was that someone had posted something under that name, he saw it and then the person deleted it. And I don’t even know that you can do that.

    I guess since Herb seems to have a problem with all of us, I have to say that I couldn’t be in better company, with the notable exception of FB. I don’t have a problem with Herb. Maybe he’s just having a menopausal day. Should that be the case, I can understand things then.

    Did you ever figure out who Oompa Loompa is yet? Just curious. Why all the remarks about shopping if you hate it that much? LOL

  68. Oompa Loompa said,

    Ao, I have no idea what store you work at or own, so how could I possibly go see you there….don’t you remember when your mother used to drag you shopping….

  69. Bobbie said,

    Oompa Loompa,
    What were you talking about when you said something about lining us up and I was mentioned? You were giving AO another clue as to your identity. Thanks.

  70. Mainetarr said,

    Oompa Loompa–Miccucci’s was excellent, as always. I have enough pasta, prusciutto, cappicola and provolone to feed an army. Of at least feed everyone at the lost sole. LOL

  71. A.O. said,

    Oompa Loompa must be Robert. If it’s not then, I just don’t know.

  72. Bobbie said,

    If it isn’t, then someone is intent on driving you crazy for a bit. LOL

  73. A.O. said,

    Won’t be the first time.

  74. Mainetarr said,

    They won’t have to drive far, is that what you’re saying?!? LOL Just kidding.

  75. A.O. said,

    THAT is a fact!

  76. Oompa Loompa said,

    Okay i confess, tis I, and I knew if I used spell checked and typed correctly you’d never figure it out!

    Bobbie the reference to you was AO was Class of 78, I was 79 you were 80….

    For Dan, had you graduated from HS you’d know what your class year was.

  77. Mainetarr said,

    85, I was class of 85!!! End of the line for me!

  78. LaFlamme said,

    85 here. Or, more accurately, 85 1/2. I dropped out my senior year, went back and finished in night school.

  79. A.O. said,

    You guy’s are such babies! Me? I’m just a babe.

  80. Bobbie said,

    Thanks for the explanation, Robert. I wasn’t worried about it, just wondered why I was thrown in there! LOL

  81. Robert said,

    Sorry just having a little fun….it happens once you’re over 40..

  82. A.O. said,

    Boy, Robert…can’t believe that you’re now over forty. Little Bobbie…

  83. Bobbie said,

    I know that feeling all too well some days, Robert.

    AO, please get the gender right-BobbIE is female while BobbY is male. Robert doesn’t need to get offended because you’re calling HIM ME. LOL

  84. Bobbie said,

    Has anyone noticed that FB hasn’t shown up in awhile? Now that I’ve said that, he’ll pop up and be worse than ever! LOL

  85. FB said,

    I’m not Dan, just an April Fool!

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