The Outlaw Mark LaFlamme

April 5, 2006 at 1:50 am (Uncategorized)

I’m such a villain, it’s a wonder I never wound up in San Quentin or on a  chain gang somewhere. Certainly, I am due time at the county lockup chaingang.jpg where I’ll be traded around for packs of smokes. Does anybody have a harmonica I can borrow? 

The following letter was written to executive editor Rex Rhoades in response to a piece I wrote on bending the rules. [see: “Do not bend, twist or mutilate the rules” in the blog.] The woman who wrote it is certainly articulate and she clearly feels strongly Villain.jpgthat I’m part of the problem with society because I glide through stop signs in the Wal-Mart parking lot and occasionally sit by Lake Auburn after sundown.

I enjoy letters like this because it’s an insight to how people feel about issues that I tend to take for granted. The writer even goes so far as to suggest that local police must hate me for my flippant regard for criminal matters. I have forwarded copies of her letter, as well as the offending column, to the local police chiefs, as suggested by my new penpal.

I have not yet had the opportunity to respond to this woman. If I could, I’d apologize gushingly and promise to sin no more. Than I’d tie tin cans to the back of her car and run away giggling. I’d also point out that she might be better served ignoring the people who bring eleven items to the ten items or less line at the grocery store, and instead focus on those who stay within the limits of the law and yet are dangerous, cruel bastards all the same. Because pulling the wings off butterflies, tossing hamsters into the microwave and slicing the heads off dolls are not criminal actoins. Yet, I’d be more concerned about the people who do those things than those who sometimes go into a different movie than the one they paid to see.


Dear Mr. Rhoades;

Yesterday’s column “Street Talk” by Mark LaFlamme infuriates me. That he should be given such a forum to address the public speaks volumes about the arrogant attitude at the top level of the Lewiston SUN JOURNAL.

Hopefully by now LaFlamme is your ex-crime reporter. How can he possibly report on what he can’t recognize? By definition, crime is “An act or the commission of an act that is forbidden or the omission of a duty that is commanded by a public law and that makes the offender liable to punishment by that law; a grave offense; something reprehensible…” His view of crime must make police officers cringe. It’s common knowledge that acts all too often escalate from something simple. It would be a responsible approach to let your Chief of Police offer his remarks in response.

To suggest that individuals may interpret the law for their own benefit, not necessarily as it applies, is blatant disregard for any law at all and certainly wreaks havoc on any sort of enforcement. It’s deliberately obnoxious and reprehensible to flout even these “rules” that LaFlamme finds annoying. Children still need direction, guidelines, rules, laws; apparently so do adults. My sympathies to Mrs. LaFlamme. And my hope the SUN JOURNAL will set its sights higher.

[Attached to this note, on very nice paper with a beautiful letterhead, was a poster that states:] “Those who blatantly defy the law are the crumbs of our crumbling society.” And the poster helpfully defines crumbs as “worthless persons.”




  1. Martha said,

    Hey Mark, maybe she ought to be reminded that since the stop signs at Walmart are on private property, they are NOT enforcable by the local constabulary. Therefore, rolling through them is NOT a crime. Me thinks, someone has WAY too much time on her hands. That or she’s wearing undies about 5 sizes too small.. might explain why she’s so uptight.. LOL.. Did I really say that? Mark, I think you guys are starting to be a bad influence. :- D

  2. Linda said,

    Actually I’m not sure the hamster thing isn’t a crime, and if it isn’t, it should be. You are a sick bugger for even thinking of it.

  3. Mainetarr said,

    So, what time is the public flogging and are we allowed to bring cameras? What the heck is going on with this uptight woman? Martha is right, she has too much time on her hands. From the tone of her letter, me thinks she is in mental pause. Good thing you didn’t tell her you ripped the tags off your mattress. She would have gone over the edge.

  4. Bulldog said,

    My thought on this woman is this: She’s actually Dan. It would explain alot. Maybe Dan’s underwear are too tight…………..

  5. Martha said,

    Yike.. kind of scary if I was the one to figure that out about Dan…. Perish the thought… NOT a picture I want to imagine…

  6. walkin' sista said,

    my sister thought I was too uptight about following rules because I was teaching my children by example to wait for the “walk” sign before crossing the street. I think, if I get them in that habit, then if / when they cross the street by themselves, hopefully will use the crosswalks & signals, rather than thinking it’s normal & ok to just cross whenever & wherever , and not see a car coming.
    she says that by pushing the button for the walk signal, that I’m messing up the “flow of traffic” like it’s some sacred life-energy .

  7. Robert said,

    Bulldog, my thoughts exactly. I couldn’t help but wonder if this was one of Dan’s aliases or alibi’s to complain confound and bewilder Mark & the rest of us by association.

    Should this lady indeed turn out to be correct, lets ask her a few simple questions such as-
    Are you one of the several hundred idiots who don’t use turn signals because you already know where you’re going and don’t need to remind yourself (yes I’ve actually heard that excuse)?

    Are you the one sliding through the yellow light turning red because you know darned well the other cars will not be timing the light to jump at the first opportunity it turns green?

    Are you one of the many on welfare even though you know darned well you could be working? COllecting unemployment when jobs are available? Collecting work comp for a supposed back injury?

    We all have our sins to bear, Mark just happened to expose a couple of his minor issues. Scary to think the world thinks like this woman.

    I’m with Mark and more worried about the kid firing BB’s at cats, putting firecrackers in frogs mouth, ripping heads off dolls…its all about excalation and we haven’t heard mark confess to any of those next step issues so we’re all set for now.

  8. driviin' sista said,

    well, sista, you try to be right but nothin’ you do is ever right. Just use your eyes & brain, and make a judgement . If you can cross the street without pushing the damn button, then walk! Who wants to sit at the light & wait for you?

  9. Bobbie said,

    Besides, those stupid lights near Lisbon Street and Main Street don’t give you enough time to get completely across the street anyway. Unless you run across the street, you get stuck on the little island in the middle of the street and then have to cross against the light anyway.

  10. K2 said,

    Hmmm, the letter writer obviously disregarded the rules of grammar. Her opening salutation to Rex is followed by a semi-colon, when the rules of grammar say — nay, they demand — that a comma or colon be used instead. How dare she? What about the children?!?

    It’s been theorized that lead in drinking water might have caused the downfall of Greco-Roman society, but one thing’s for sure: it’s now clear that Mark LaFlamme is singlehandledly culpable for the recent collapse of Western civilization. For shame, Mr. LaFlamme, for shame.

  11. Bobbie said,

    If you’re going to do something, you may as well do it right and on a grand scale as well.

  12. Robert said,


    I have long said that the lights on Lisbon and Main were not for pedestrian crossing the street but rather to play the human version of Frogger.

  13. A.O. said,

    Hey. How come we don’t get to know the name of the letter writer? This is a “free” blog, afterall.

  14. K2 said,

    Probably because it was addressed to Rex.

  15. Dan Breton 374 Main St, Auburn, ME said,

    Look, you morons, I am the one who worte that letter to Rex. Get over it.

  16. LaFlamme said,

    You are correct, K2. If the letter had been addressed to me, or if it had been submitted as a letter to the editor, I would’ve included the woman’s name. As it is, it might be a matter of record since it was submitted to a newspaper editor. But do you think I’m up on those rules? Ha! Nope.
    Hi, Dan. Welcome back. Thanks for the flowers. You didn’t have to, but it was a nice gesture.

  17. K2 said,

    Man, I honestly thought a woman wrote that letter, for sure. Disturbing.

    Dan, you are a malcontent or a masochist or both, if that’s even possible. Lighten up, for cripe’s sake. Just let the past go, man.

  18. Dan Breton 374 Main St, Auburn, ME said,

    So, you got the Stinking Benjamins I sent you? Glad to hear it. Can’t wait to see the reaction to the other gifts I sent.

  19. LaFlamme said,

    I thought the teddy was fairly inappropriate. I ain’t wearing that thing. Because it’s a size too small. Can you exchange it?

  20. Dan Breton 374 Main St, Auburn, ME said,

    I refuse to let it go, K2. I was horribly abused, my fragile ego was destroyed and it will be years on the couch before I rebound from this abuse. Sure, I am working with my therapist, but therapy can only correct so much damage, you know? I am a human being too. If you cut me, do I not bleed? If you tickle my balls, do I not laugh? You guys need to cut me some slack.

  21. Bulldog said,

    Actually, as I was contemplating my accusation of the “woman” being Dan, I realized that I should retract that statement.

    She sounded way too intelligent to be Dan. The words that were used were way beyond his comprehension, never mind his ability to actually know how to spell them correctly. Besides, he admitted it was him way too quickly. He didn’t even ask us to prove it! Come to think of it, the “Dan” in here probably isn’t even the real Dan (not that I care. Although, I do miss is rantings– OMG, did I just write that!) Holy shit! Barkeep, I’m gonna start my celebrating early- give me a strong one- NOW!

  22. A.O. said,

    The real Dan wouldn’t post his address in here. Nor would he show his face. But, what color teddy did you get, Mark?

    Bulldog: What are you drinking.

  23. LaFlamme said,

    The letter was sent on an amazing letterhead. I mean, who has such sweet paper, anyway? And that nifty poster. Just a nice touch all around.
    Dan’s shamelessly hitting on me.

  24. K2 said,

    I hate to say it, Dan, but you really brought most of it on yourself. While the abuse has been harsh, it’s been no harsher than what you dished out. You have to accept some responsiblity for the current state of affairs. Then you have to ask yourself how you can be more positive in the present and in the future. Sure, it could take months or years, but maybe if you just post funny shit and stay cool, in time, this shit will all be behind you.

    If you honestly think it’s everyone else’s fault, than you really do need years on the couch, with a thrice-daily supplement of poweful pschotropics, to boot.

    And I’ll leave it at that.

  25. K2 said,

    How about in Josey Wales when Josey is gunning down the Union troops with a Gatlin gun, and the kid asks him, “Why you doin’ this, Josey?” to which he replies, “‘Cause I’ve got nothin’ better to do.” Best . . . movie . . . ever.

  26. Bulldog said,

    Let’s see- my drink of choice today is White Russians. I’ll take a large to start…

    K2, you can’t start talking psychotropics in here. Mark will be jealous and jump you for them next time he sees you on the street (coming from personal experience of course)

  27. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. Give up the Vicodins, Bulldog!

  28. LaFlamme said,

    Another bank robbery in Lewiston. Tall, skinny guy with apparently fake hair.

  29. A.O. said,

    Was he wearing a teddy?

  30. K2 said,

    Go Vikes?!?

  31. LaFlamme said,

    No. I was.

  32. K2 said,

    Fake hair as opposed to real baldness?

  33. K2 said,

    Isn’t a White Russian redundant, Bulldog?

  34. Bulldog said,

    Ha funny K2. Well, they say that once you have black, you’ll never go back. But, for me, I’ll take the white.

    Mark, I’ll give you my vikes in exchange for……….hmmm, gotta think about that…..

  35. LaFlamme said,

    Aw, we can work something out. Just gimme the junk.

  36. Mainetarr said,

    Is the bank robber out on bail?

  37. LaFlamme said,

    Nope. Different guy altogether. Different style. This one had a gun. And a wig, apparently.

  38. Robert said,

    You had me for a minute, no wait, 5 seconds, like Dan would have the guts to even put his name on the blog comments let alone his address….and kudo’s to those who pointed out the grammer and punctuation were much clearer than anything he could write.

    As far as what the Sun Urinal did in stopping the blog sites, it boils down to whether Dan was truly upset because his address was posted. Its kind of funny when you start looking at what occurred…I had been reading and visiting the blogs for a couple months where Dan’s first and last name were mentioned and yet nothing was done
    by LSJ, nor did Dan comaplin to anyone, but when his address was posted he went postal…well in his own way anyway….does anyone else see this as odd, because quite frankly, knowing his name allowed anyone to open the telephone directory and get his address. Its not like confidentiallity was broken by posting it on the blog…this is whats known as a matter of public record.

    Lets face it, Dan cried because Dan luvs to hear his pompous ass cry, period! He had nothing to complain about so he latched onto the best possible option, hoping that Eric & crew at the Sun Urinal would not have the brains to figure out what each of us had already done.

    If Danny comes back I’d love to make this very clear to him and then tell him to cry somewhere else…now he has no one to pick a fight with, it serves him right.

  39. LaFlamme said,

    I’d love to have Dan jump into the blog. He’s always good for business.

  40. Bulldog said,

    Mark, you want Dan here so that we can stop picking on you! Face it! You’re a wimp.

    And if you think whining will get you what you want, fagetaboudit. You’ve gotta work for those vikes buster. I’m still thinking of what I’d want in exchange….

  41. Dan said,

    I am here but I have yet to see anything worth reply to.

  42. Bobbie said,

    If there’s nothing worth replying to yet, why did you respond this time?

  43. Bulldog said,

    Ahhh, now THAT could be our Dan, typos and all!! hugs and kisses

  44. LaFlamme said,

    Holy crap. The bank robbery suspect looks just LIKE Howard Stern.

  45. Linda said,

    Dan, I don’t even know you, so I’m gonna take your word for it about tickling your balls. Not even with a 14 inch knitting needle.

  46. A.O. said,

    Dan, We all know that you’re here. We can feel you….lurking.

  47. fake dan alert said,

    you’re paranoid, dan’s not here at all. nevermore!

  48. Robert said,

    Mark, If the teddy doesn’t work out, one of my employees just showed me a bra made out of candy, like those necklaces that you bit into the pieces all strung through…One size fits all, even Dan!

  49. LaFlamme said,

    Sweet! Literally.

  50. Bulldog said,

    Flamer- awwwww fagetaboudit.

  51. Robert said,

    Thankfully she wasn’t wearing it when she showed me, it was before lunch….

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