Back to the agony

April 8, 2006 at 9:36 pm (Uncategorized)

wormhole.gifAh, time travel. Don't get me started. For the past two years, I've been studying quantum mechanics and I'm fairly convinced I can do it. To generate even a small wormhole, I'll need something of great density that will collapse into singularity. Can I borrow someone's head? *ba dum DA*

But seriously. I'll share my secrets of looping timespace some other time. The topic at hand is quack ass doctors and the shit they charge you for. I don't have any real horror stories, myself. Although one time, when I suffered a concussion, a doctor suggested that someone wake me up every hour or so to see if I was still breathing. Bastard.

I've only been to a chiropractor once and I was really drunk at the time. A girl I was seeing dared me to and… well, I can't pass up a dare. But the guy from the following news clip takes the prize. If I were one of his patients, I'd claim to have traveled back to a time before I visited his office and thus, I owe no money. In fact, I might try that with my present doctor. mad_scientist.jpg

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) – A chiropractor who claims he can treat anyone by reaching back in time to when an injury occurred has attracted the attention of state regulators.

The Ohio State Chiropractic Board, in a notice of hearing, has accused James Burda of Athens of being "unable to practice chiropractic according to acceptable and prevailing standards of care due to mental illness, specifically, Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type."

Burda denied that he is mentally ill. He said he possesses a skill he discovered by accident while driving six years ago.

"My foot hurt and, knowing anatomy, I went ahead and I told it to realign and my pain went away," Burda said Thursday.

Burda calls his treatment "Bahlaqeem."

"It is a made-up word and, to my knowledge, has no known meaning except for this intended purpose. It does, however, have a soothing vibrational influence and contains the very special number of nine letters," Burda's Web site says.



  1. Linda said,

    Mark, I’d love to comment but I’m speechless! Well not really of course, that could never happen. What “bran bucket” do you dip into for your topics?

    I love it that Burda discovered his skill “by accident while driving.” And I thought listening to books on CD was a productive use of my driving time — how wrong I was. Practically delusional.

  2. Bobbie said,

    The only thing I can do is shake my head and wonder about him. Where in the hell was he when I ended up sprawled all over the ground when I tripped over that tree limb two summers ago?

  3. Linda said,

    I stopped on my way by the computer, to read this post again. While not having the ghastly irony of Friday night’s post, it’s pretty funky. Who wouldn’t want to go back in time, just a little, now and then? Not necessarily to the 15th century (as in Crichton’s book) but just a little. To 90 minutes before a class reunion Macarena incident for example; or to the moment before you decided you could retrieve a CD case from the back seat while staying entirely in your lane; or waved your husband onto a plane and then realized he had the car keys in his pocket. Or think of having the chance to relive happy things …

    How hard could that be?

    Gotta run — I think I’ll have a look at Burda’s website. If there’s any chance at all of wiping out the Macarena nightmare … well, I’ve said too much already.

  4. K2 said,

    A chiropracter who’s a quack? No, I won’t believe it. As their oath states, ALL ailments can be cured though alignment of the spine. Yeah, right. Pass me the snake oil, please.

  5. Gil said,

    C’mon K2, don’t give up so easy. You can’t believe in Chiropractory(?) but yet you remain an optimistic Liberal Democrat? Stop drinking that snake oil.
    And speaking of ointments, I tried that Penis Enlargement cream. I didn’t get a big penis, but my hands are HUGE!!!

  6. A.O. said,

    Well, Gil, you know what they say about men with big hands? that feet?

  7. Gil said,

    I have size 13 1/2 feet and do you know waht that means? That’s right, I have to buy big shoes!

  8. K2 said,

    I’m no Democrat, Sparky. I’m an Independent who just happens to think George W. Bush is the worst president since Andrew Johnson.

    As for big feet, AO, it can only mean one thing — big socks.

  9. K2 said,

    Damn, Gil, you beat me by two minutes.

  10. LaFlamme said,

    I know a guy who bought that dick enlargement cream. He grew an entire foot overnight. Now a hulking, surly sportswriter, he was once just five feet, four inches tall!

  11. Mainetarr said,

    Wow, Randy, I never would have guessed. Kinda like that joke about the woman who wanted bigger breasts and her husband suggested she rub them with toilet paper to make them bigger. When the wife asked how that could possibly work, he said, well, you’ve been rubbing it on your ass and look how much bigger that is.

  12. Gil said,

    Hey K2, if the little shoe fits…
    I won’t make everyone suffer through our argument over who was the worst President (bubba), but if you really think you’re not a dem (buubba sucks) then you have had one too many Fat Bastard (shrillary) shots today. Borrow “Fred’s” foil-lined hat and practice some Zen breathing.
    By the way, everyone knows who the greatest Pres was. All hail the Great and Mighty Dutch!

  13. brenda said,

    When I was 13, I wanted to write a science fiction story about a box that changes in size, from infinitely small, passing through the window screen, to six feet tall, and could travel through space & time. I made up a word to name it: palhintok box. Nine letters?

    Now there’s a British tardis just like it……

  14. Gil said,

    When I was 13 I spent a lot of time fantasizing about boxes also…

  15. Linda said,

    Dr Who and the tardis. What a dreamboat!

  16. Mainetarr said,

    What are you talking about, when you were 13 Gil…..I bet you still do!

  17. K2 said,

    Yeah, Gil, Iran-Contra and his funding of Saddam in the ’80s sure were splendid.

  18. Bulldog said,

    K2, you’re talking to yourself again –

  19. Bobbie said,

    I think the current Dr. Who looks better than the rest of them did.

  20. Robert said,

    I once worked for a chiropractor and the only person I ever met more convinced that they could fix anything was an Electrolux salesman….these guys claimed to cure everything…and whats so wrong with going back in time, just click your heels and say there’s no place like home..

    I think this doctors practice could also be called Hoya in Cherokee language, which although hard to translate is best seen in a sentence such as “watch out you don’t step in the hoya when you go to the cattle fields”.

    Confucious once said it is better to remain quiet and be thought a fool, then to open ones mouth and remove all doubt…somebody should have reminded this practitioner.

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