If Treehugger went into physics

April 12, 2006 at 1:50 am (Uncategorized)

Einst.gifDon't get me started on E=mc². Really, man. It's the most beautiful, elegant formula in the world. In fact, the theories of relativity in general are so damn sexy, it's almost pornographic. The speed of light, the warping of spacetime, the relationship between matter and energy. Damn, man. Is it getting hot in here?

So, some fellow threw me some mail yesterday suggesting that there's an even more profound formula to be considered. In his drooling opinion, the following physics are more profound even than Einstein's explanations about the relativity of time in relation to the speed of the observer. I know! It's crazy! But I give you this cutting edge physics anyway just to be open minded.

Examine the dubious computations embraced in (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V and open your eyes to the wonders of the universe.

From the Sunday Times, Australia:
Few women would claim to have the perfect bottom. But for those in need of reassurance that it is within reach, a scientist has come to the rescue by working out a mathematical formula they believe adds up to the perfect posterior. hips_buttocks.JPG
The magical figures are (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V. Though the equation looks rather complicated, it is, according to the scientist, simple.

It assesses shape, bounce, firmness and symmetry – all factors that add up to the bottom line. S is the overall shape or droopiness of the bottom, C represents how spherical the buttocks are, B measures muscular wobble or bounce, while F records the firmness. V is the hip to waist ratio, or symmetry of the bottom, and T measures the skin texture and presence of cellulite.

David Holmes, a psychology lecturer at Manchester Metropolitan University, England, devised the formula. He asked about 2000 women across Britain to assess their bottoms using a simple points scale.

For example, those who believed theirs resembled a trodden doughnut scored just one point for shape, whereas those with a small peach scored the maximum five.

"The perfect female derriere has firmness to the touch and a resilience that prevents undue wobble or bounce, yet looks soft with flawless skin," Dr Holmes said.

Dr Holmes said that Kylie Minogue, whose celebrated bottom relaunched her career with the help of a pair of hotpants, would almost certainly score a perfect 80.

"Kylie would score amazingly well on sphericality and symmetry. Her bottom is pretty much perfect in these areas, more so than the likes of Charlotte Church or Jennifer Lopez, who have more curvy posteriors," he said. 0863.jpg

Dr Holmes's research revealed that men and women had different opinions when it came to deciding on the best bottoms.

While women preferred the larger, curvier behind of Lopez, men found Minogue's pert symmetry more agreeable.



  1. K2 said,

    Butt, it doesn’t add up.

  2. Bulldog said,

    K2, you’re such an ass

  3. K2 said,

    I don’t appreciate the wise crack, Bulldog.

    Maybe we should all send in shots of our asses and see who’s got the best can of all. My petite, athletic behind is sure to dominate the male category. Gil’s surely got to have a wide load back there; LaFlamme is probably assless; Weasel’s is powdered with drywall dust like a stale beignet; and I’m sure the others guys’ rumps are covered by zits, with dingleberries stuck in their curley-fries.

    And why don’t they sell ass-hair conditioner for men? I mean, it’s like fly hair down there. Much thicker than a whisker biscuit.

  4. Bulldog said,

    TMI, K2. I can’t get the dingleberries vision out of my head

    ahhh, my eyes! my eyes!

  5. K2 said,

    Bulldog, you got junk in your trunk or what?

  6. A.O. said,

    Ahhh…I’m laughing my ass off.

    BD where were you yesterday? That lobster roll is starting to smell funky.

  7. brenda said,

    Ever noticed a person with really strong arms & a floppy butt? Because of driving all day, etc.
    Best way to a good butt is to live upstairs, and also walk instead of drive whenever possible. Also: DANCE a lot.

  8. Anonymous said,

    Ha! sitting at the computer all day & night keeps your butt floppy , so you’re all floppy- butted bloggers, aren’t you?

  9. Robert said,

    FUnyy how having an ass can somehow be scored, but its pass/fail on being an ass…so here’s my question, should there be more of a rating system such as assholiness?

  10. Bobbie said,

    You know it’s going to be an interesting day when you have to use the bathroom, but you can’t because the kittens have found a mouse there and they are currently locked in a custody despute over it there.

  11. Mainetarr said,

    I did crack a smile when I read this, butt I am wondering about… k2, why is your petite butt so atheletic looking? Has it been getting a lot of action? Have you been having conjugal visits with Dube or something? Thiafood Teena’s not going to like it, no, she won’t like this one bit.

  12. "The Weasel" said,

  13. K2 said,

    Ummm . . . I’m gonna be sick.

    Mainetarr, no, I haven’t had any fudge-packing visits with Derek, thank you. I simply have a nice can, or so my wife tells me — when she’s ramming it with a strap-on gelatinous double dong. Talk about utter passion. . . .

  14. Mainetarr said,

    I was just messing with you K2. But Weasel, that was gross.

  15. Linda said,

    Is it a full moon today?

    The tribe is restless.

  16. K2 said,

    I know, D-Sis. I was just kicking it up notch, as that gay Emeril would say.

  17. A.O. said,

    We’ve been stuck in this bunker for too long.

  18. Bobbie said,


  19. Linda said,

    What’s it been, a week and a half? Time for another uproar probably.

  20. Linda said,

    I just noticed the sidebar — what, is it mosquito season already? Have we had mud season or are we skipping it this year? Who knows where the time goes!

  21. LaFlamme said,

    Oh, don’t you worry. The media will take care of things. Before you know it, we’ll have screaming headlines advising you that this will be the WORST MOSQUITO SEASON EVER along with the DRIEST SEASON EVER; SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION LIKELY! Every spring, like the return of the migratory birds, the alarmist press is a majestic thing to watch.

  22. Mainetarr said,

    Yeah, we will all have the West Nile Virus, the bird flu or mad cow diesase before we know it. Although I think some of us suffer from mad bloggers disease every now and then. I wonder what the cure is for that?

  23. Linda said,

    First you’d have to want to be cured though.

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