The year of the cat

April 13, 2006 at 1:25 am (Uncategorized)

Somewhere in my weird archives, I have a photograph of a cat hanging by the neck. This was a sight that greeted me one evening years ago outside the Sun Journal. The cat had been lynched with a strap of leather and hung from a stair rail in front of the building. A grisly site. In my grief, I had the_dead_cat.jpg someone take a picture of me with the hanging cat who, according to recent revelations in the court records, had been wrongly accused.

Terrible things happen to cats around here. They get shot with arrows all the time. They get poisoned or run over. The long suffering feline species of Lewiston see their kin get tossed into canals, hurled from porches and, if you believe some of the more gruesome local legends, subjected to deviant sex in downtown apartments.

Even the cat corpses are not safe. On Tuesday night, a dead cat was used as a sort of hackey sack. It was swung by its tail, tossed into the air and passed from one gleeful fiend to the other. The tail ended in a showdown that involved bats and an assault rifle. And frankly, I think this is the beginning.

Meow.gif Cats are pissed. If you listen late at night, you can hear the collective hiss of the enranged beasts. It's a sound that raises the hair on the back of your neck. I know, man. I know. And I sense an uprising. I'm not talking about cat poop on your front steps or scratched up furniture on the porch. I'm talking about Fluffy and Smokey and Snowball and Garfield meeting in empty warehouses and gathering artillery. And who can blame them?

When I was a boy, there was a story floating around town that a particularly nasty teen had tied two cats together by the tails and watched them fight to the death. This was not to be confused with the report of the retarded man who hung a cat from a clothes line and then skinned it alive.

HISS.jpg

Yes, terrible things happen to cats. But really, I'm just raving, now. In my defense, I HAVE been into the nip.

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52 Comments

  1. Linda said,

    They’ll have to rename that paper the Mark LaFlamme Journal if you keep writing the whole front page. Don’t wear yourself out, man!

    At least cats are now safe from, have I got it right, being victimized or abused in custody disputes? No, that can’t be exactly how it goes, but whatever. But you really have to wonder what the hell people are thinking when they do ugly things to animals. I can see (from the above post) that you didn’t like it either.

  2. Mainetarr said,

    I can’t imagine anyone being mean to animals. That is the one subject that really bothers me the most. Cruelty to kids and animals. People who do either should be shot. I am one of those people who doesn’t have children, I have an 11 year old cat, Simba, and a 4 year old yellow Lab, Bailey. They are my children. If anyone would harm them, they would answer to me. And it wouldn’t be pretty. Linda, the law that was just passed includes pets in protective orders against abusive spouses. Long overdue….

    Has anyone noticed the smiley face in the center, bottom of this page?

  3. K2 said,

    I used to be a cat person — grew up with ’em, even owned a few myself. But it all comes down to cat piss and claws. Malodorous cat piss degrades more slowly than radioactive waste, and cat scratches are par for the course when dealing with felines. Thus, when my last cat died (the coyotes got ol’ Bud), we switched to a dog. No regrets, either.

    How about that SJ story Mark wrote about the guy who got crushed by the car? Who the hell suspends a car in the air with a fucking tractor? No offense to the family and friends of the fellow, but it sounds like a Darwin Award to me. Common sense ain’t so common.

  4. K2 said,

    Cripes, I just read that crazy cat story. AK-47s and dead-cat acrobatics? Strange times are these.

  5. Bulldog said,

    No shit K2! I was telling my husband about that tractor story and he said, “well, the moron deserved what he got”. No offense to the Higgin’s family. It’s a loss that shouldn’t have happened. But seriously, it does take some common sense. I mean, it’s kind of like another moron I know that tried to use his lighter to look inside of a gas tank of a snowmobile to see how much gas was left. Thank God I was there. I looked at him and said “what the FUCK are you doing?!” He looked at me and went white. The moron almost blew us up.

    As for the cats- I’m with MT on this. I have a cat and a dog. Minou (yes, I’m french) and Amber are both going on 12. When they go, I’ll be just as crushed as if they were my children. Cruelty to animals is not acceptable.

    No matter how buggy we get in this bunker, we will not have chinese food! Never, I tell you, never!!

  6. Bulldog said,

    Mark, love the skeeter on your peeter comment on the side- are you gonna whack it off?

  7. Bulldog said,

    How To Clean Your Toilet

    1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

    2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

    3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

    4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power-wash” and rinse”.

    6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

    8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

    9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

    Sincerely, the dog

  8. Robert said,

    Yup as I always say at supper…taste just like kitten…

  9. K2 said,

  10. A.O. said,

    UGH! Robert…that’s just nasty.

  11. A.O. said,

    Too bad Mark’s not up yet. He’s missing “Wet Dream” on WBLM again.

  12. LaFlamme said,

    Wet dream at 9 a.m? Unheard of!
    Tastes like kitten. I gotta remember that.

  13. K2 said,

    Wet dreams that taste like kitten? Huh?

  14. Mainetarr said,

    Bulldog, when you left that link to the song, I played the song for Chris, he had never heard “Wet Dream” either. He laughed his ass off.

    I had Chinese in the bunker last night. It did taste like kitten. Yuk.

  15. LaFlamme said,

    I STILL don’t know what the wet dream thing is all about. How dry I am.

  16. A.O. said,

    Ahhh…forget about it. They play it on rainy days on BLM. It’s funny. You just have to hear it.

  17. K2 said,

    Don’t know about you folks, but I like my kitten cage-free. Just tastes fresher.

  18. LaFlamme said,

    It’s too damn quiet in here. What do we need, more drinking? Because I’ll start.

  19. A.O. said,

    Who’s pouring? Whoever it is, I’ll have a glass of Chard. I miss Lori. She could always get a party started. I still can’t belive she hasn’t found us yet.

  20. Linda said,

    Good evening folks, no partying for me tonight, I’m back in dialup diaspora at my mother’s house (the weekly good daughter act). this week it’s a change from taking care of my husband who is still on crutches. Anyhow have a blast and tell me all about it tomorrow.

    Boy, could i use a party! Since there’s no wine tap yet, I’d be looking for jameson’s.

  21. LaFlamme said,

    And remember: drink safely. Always keep your pinky out.

  22. A.O. said,

    AMEN!

  23. K2 said,

    Here’s to AO, she’s true blue
    She’s a drunkard though and through
    She’s a dunkard, so they say
    And she tried to go to heaven but she went the other way
    So drink! Suck it up, suck it up
    So drink! Suck it up, suck it up . . .

    That ol’ drinking chant always makes my liver quiver.

    Maybe we need a Shot Box in the Lost Sole? You tape a 2′ x 2′ square on the ground with masking tape, right by the bar, and if somebody just so happens to unwittingly stand in the square — it’s a shot of booze, right to the gullet. Beware the Shot Box. Long live the Shot Box.

  24. A.O. said,

    Oh, K2, How…touching…****SNIFF****

  25. Mainetarr said,

    Wow, It’s dead in here tonight. Alright, I didn’t want to do it, but OPEN BAR!!! What will you have?

  26. Bulldog said,

    Jaysus Mark, you’re killing me! I gave you a link to wet dreams once already. Friggen reporters…..

    here it is again. This time, listen to it damn it!

    [audio src="http://wblm.com/audio/Wet-Dreams_Kip-Addotta.mp3" /]

  27. Bulldog said,

    I’ve started the ball rolling on drinking. catsinjammies is here with me!!

  28. A.O. said,

    Okay. Bulldog and Jammies. Me and, Mainetarr. Time for a friggen party. I’m just not going to touch that Captains and Coke. I’ve heard you have to eat macaroni and cheese with red hotdogs to ward off a hangover. Yuck.

  29. A.O. said,

    Bulldog..guess what I’m listening to? Ha. Thanks for posting that again.

    Mark, You’ve got to give it a listen.

  30. Mainetarr said,

    Love My Goat for everyone. I am making a spiral cut glazed ham, baked potato and corn for supper at the Lost Sole (and at home) tonight. Just for you guys, I will serve it buffet style. Hey Jammies!!! How you doon?

  31. Mainetarr said,

    Three blondes went to Heaven on the same day and showed up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked them over and said, “Well, before you can enter the gates you have to answer one simple question, to show you know something about why you’re here.”

    The first blonde stepped up to the gates, and St. Peter said, “Now, explain to me, what is Easter?” The woman replied, “Oh, that’s easy. That’s the holiday in November, when everybody gets together to give thanks, and eats turkey, and…”

    “Wrong,” replied St. Peter, “You’ll have to wait.” He turned to the second blonde and said, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replied, “I know, Easter is about Jesus. In December, when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate His birthday.”

    St. Peter shook his head in disgust at the second woman and sighed. He turned to the third blonde and said, “You look a little smarter than the other two… Now, WHAT IS EASTER?”

    The third blonde smiled and said, “I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that takes place in the spring. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper, and He was deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. Then the Romans took Him to be crucified and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and crucified Him. He died, and was buried in a cave sealed off by a large boulder.” St. Peter smiled and nodded.

    The blonde continued, “And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees His shadow there will be six more weeks of winter.”
    St. Peter fainted…

  32. Mainetarr said,

    A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat.
    She asked if it was dead or alive.

    “Dead,” she was informed.

    “How do you know?”, she asked.

    “Because I pissed in his ear and it didn’t move,” said the child innocently.

    “You did WHAT?!?”, the teacher squealed in surprise.

    “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’ and he didn’t move.”

  33. LaFlamme said,

    Ha! Psssssssst…

  34. LaFlamme said,

    What?? Open bar? We’re gonna go broke! Someone call the accountant! Oh, wait… Mainetarr IS the accountant. Drink up, everybody!

  35. A.O. said,

    Love My Goat…all around! *HIC*

  36. LaFlamme said,

    Love my goat. Isn’t that the motto up in Buckfield?
    My apologies to those of you from Buckfield.

  37. A.O. said,

    Nah…I think it’s from up Sumner way or…Livermore…not sure…

  38. Fred said,

    Actually its Carthage! So i hear.Can`t prove it .

  39. LaFlamme said,

    Where the hell IS Carthage? That’s one of those towns where things occasionally happen and I have to write about them. Yet, if I had to try and find the place, I’d never be seen again.

  40. Linda said,

    Careful of my feelings, mates. Carthage is closer to me than to any of you. though i have no personal experience of their motto, or indeed of their goats. Of any goats, just to be clear. Or is that TMI?

  41. A.O. said,

    Or, You could get “Usless In Eustis”…I’ve heard it’s …fun.

    Hi Fred! I’m glad to see you still hanging in the bunkah!

  42. Fred said,

    Carthage is between Weld and Dixfield.

  43. Fred said,

    oops,also a piece of it between East Dixfield and Dixfield.Morrison hill is in Carthage

  44. Mainetarr said,

    Fredddddddddddddddddddddddddd, let’s get useless in Eustis!!!

  45. Fred said,

    I have been useless in Eustis before! Its turned out not to be a big deal!

  46. Dan said,

    What a dumb topic. Not worth posting about.

  47. LaFlamme said,

    Oh, yeah? Well… YOU’RE dumb!
    I got nuthin.

  48. K2 said,

    No, you’re dumb!

    Am not!

  49. shoe-off said,

    Am too!

    ARe too!

  50. Anonymous said,

    Are too – Dee two?

  51. fake fb alert said,

    yep, dumb…..

  52. back to the topic said,

    I had a calico cat named “patches” –I know, everyone names calicos “patches” but I didn’t name her, I inherited her. Anyway, I let her out to sleep on the porch because she had fleas and at that time of my life I was that dumb. She scratched on the door furiously to be let in one evening, but I didn’t . Then there was a commotion outside, so I looked out the door and two large dogs from the corner were inside my fenced yard, playing tug-of-war with my cat. It was terrible.
    terrible, terrible…..

    But why did that lady leave her cat in the road after it had been hit by a car & killed? Couldn’t she dig a hole in the yard and bury it propperly? I always feel bad when I see animals in the street even when I never knew the animla. We’ve buried a dead baby bird, a dead rodent, that we found on or near our yard. I thought about burying a pigeon & seagull when they were laying in the street on an area where I frequently walk, but instead I called the non-emergency police # to find out who to report it to. A few years ago in CA I found a dead coyote on the path I took when I walked on Little Mountain, so I returned with shovel, cardboard & sage……
    ok, now you know who I am.
    that’s ok.

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