Corpus delicti

April 14, 2006 at 8:39 pm (Uncategorized)

So, I was reading the story about the kid who killed his family and hid the bodies in the basement. Not bad for a 21 year old, but not real inspired. Body disposal is an art. It requires logic, planning and Body_banger_Chesterhalf corpse.jpg consideration of every angle the gendarmes will certainly explore. Poe was a master of body disposal. His characters, however, sucked. In the Tell Tale Heart, the killer freaks out and confesses that the corpse was under the floorboards. In the Black Cat, the idiot bricks up the cat along with his dead wife and the kitty starts howling at the worst time. Fools, the lot of them.

I once wrote a story about a man who killed his wife and sort of seized up when it was time to dispose of the body. It wasn't that there weren't enough options; rather there were too many. There was the abandoned well out in the woods. There was the river on the other side of the mountain. There was the quarry on the other side of town and the lime pit a county over. There was the incinerator to consider, the wood chipper, the bog. There was dismemberment to think about and outlandish ideas like mailing the body to another country. The poor, hapless murderer. He didn't fare too well.

Of course, we all know about the various bodies stashed in boxsprings at hotels. Great for that quick get away after you've offed a hooker. The body won't be discovered until decomposition begins and the smell bodybed.jpg becomes overwhelming. Think of that the next time you and your honey are crashed at the Hyatt. What's that smell? Is it your wife's feet? No! It's a dead smack dealer just a few inches from your sleeping face.

According to Snopes, the final judge on urban legends, this kind of thing happens all the time. One hundred percent true. It sort of makes you want to poke your boxspring with a sharp stick the next time you're away on that second honeymoon. Because I don't think having sex with a corpse beneath you counts as a threesome.

On 10 July 2003, a man checked into the Capri Motel, just east of downtown Kansas City, and began complaining about a foul odor in his room. Management told him nothing could be done about the problem, and he spent three nights in his room before checking out because he could no longer stand the smell. When the cleaning staff came in to make up the room on 13 July, they lifted the mattress and underneath found a man's body in an advanced stage of decomposition.

More of this delicious topic here: Gruesome discoveries

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49 Comments

  1. Linda said,

    The guy dead at his desk for five days — I bet he spent all his work time blogging instead of interacting with his workmates. That’s the only explanation I can think of for that one.

  2. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. Now that you mention it, where IS Treehugger? And what smells like death?

  3. A.O. said,

    This has to be one of the nastiest things I’ve ever heard of. But, Linda, I do love your comment. Makes sense. Ha. This one has to be filed under the “Gross Files”. Forget The X-Files….we now have The Gross Files. Gotta love it!

    Hey, Dan. Saw you around tonight. Hope you’re having fun.

  4. Linda said,

    Something just ate my post,sorry if it turns up twice.

    What i wanted to say was — I notice that on the same day the Bag Lady finds you a bicycle deal, we see a sidebar quote from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. That can’t be a coincidence. If you have some unsavoury secrets, go ahead and spill them, you know you will anyhow.

  5. Anonymous said,

    bag lady? where?

  6. brenda said,

    huh, street talk with bob lenzler? whatta ya know?

  7. brenda said,

    the VAULT is gone?

  8. off-topic said,

    What happens when you play a country song backwards?

    You get your life back, your horse back, your money back, and your wife back.

  9. LaFlamme said,

    Wow. Be careful with THAT joke, Off Topic. It’s an antique.

  10. LaFlamme said,

    But seriously. How traumatized would you be if you and your spouse spent three days in a nice hotel room, making love frequently and spending most of your time right there in bed, only to find out later that you slept and frolicked directly on top of a corpse that was decaying by the minute?

  11. K2 said,

    Talk about a stiffy.

    Dammit! I said I wanted to honeymoon in Caracas, not honeymoon with a carcass.

  12. Anonymous said,

    as if bed-bugs & lice, or getting caught, weren’t enough to worry bout in a hotel?

  13. K2 said,

    Putricene and cadaverene — nothing like the smell of disulfide bonds breaking down.

  14. K2 said,

    Kinda like shining a black light on the bedspread. Glow in the dark spunk. Oof.

  15. CSI L-A said,

    so, that really works?

  16. K2 said,

    Oh yeah, all too well. Dateline had a very disturbing piece on hotel bed spreads years ago. I have a good friend who’s first act in a hotel room is to remove the comforter with ad hoc salad tongs and deposit said swag rag on the floor in the corner.

    Swag rags, as opposed to slam socks, of course.

  17. brenda said,

    I just clicked on the words “gruesome discoveries” and went on to read about the soldier in Germany who was cuckolded and presented his pregnant wife the head of her lover in her hospital room.
    that can’t be good for the baby? When a woman has pain, her body sends terratogens, (harmful chemicals) that can effect the baby, so I imagine trauma like that doesn’t help the childbirth at all.
    A Marine Vietnam Vet once told me that beheading with a knife is actually very very difficult to do. He said the neck is very had to cut thru,& the head is strongly attached.

  18. A.O. said,

    K2, I’m still laughing over “talk about a stiffy”…now I gotta figure out how to get the rest of this damn coffee out of my nose.

  19. brenda said,

    reading the one about ebing buried alive, hope you don’t mind if I share:

    “These days, getting accidently buried alive in the United States or Canada borders on the impossible. Embalming procedures will finish off anyone not quite all the way through the Pearly Gates, and the families of deceased citizens of both those countries overwhelmingly opt to have their loved ones embalmed.

    (Contrary to popular belief, embalming is not mandatory in the United States. Corpses carry little disease risk — we pose a much greater threat to the public health while we’re still breathing, bleeding, and shedding skin. “

  20. ghastly irony said,

    In 1984, a post-mortem examination was being conducted in a mortuary in New York. When the pathologist made the first cut the “corpse” leaped up and grabbed him by the throat. The pathologist died of shock.

  21. whatcha lookin' at? said,

    The Reverend Schwartz, a missionary, was brought back to life by hearing his favourite hymn played at his funeral. The mourners were surprised to hear his voice from the coffin joining in the singing. Nicephorus Glycas, the Greek Orthodox Bishop of Lesbos, laid in state in his church for two days while mourners filed past his coffin. Suddenly he sat up and demanded to know what everybody was looking at.

  22. Anonymous said,

    I want to be the Bishop of Lesbos- where do you apply for that job?

  23. K2 said,

    AO, when I said blue the other day, I meant as in raunchy. Just been a potty mouthed fuck lately. Full moon the other day. It’s either swear words or the old assault rifle, Mr. Shooty.

    As for your coffee-visits-pharynx incident, maybe you should sue Juan Valdez, that mule-ridin’ gringo. It’s his fault, clearly.

  24. oooOOOOoooo said,

    Imagine waking up in the middle of the night and finding a naked man in your house, standing there shivering & holding a sack?

    Professor Junkur of Halle University received a sack with the body of a hanged criminal to be used for dissection. The body was dumped in his house after dark when the professor had already gone to bed. During the night, the professor was awakened by the figure of a naked and shivering man holding an empty sack. The professor decided to help the man escape further punishment and some years later encountered him on the street, a wealthy merchant with a wife and two children.

  25. K2 said,

    May the Schwartz be with you, Luke.

  26. beware: fire down under said,

    Point #10 of “Short Reasons for Cremation,” a 12-point pamphlet circulated in Australia at the turn of the century: Cremation eliminates all danger of being buried alive.

  27. eternal henpecking hell said,

    In 1849, an observer at the funeral of King Thien Tri of Cochin, China, reported that along with rich and plentiful grave goods, all of the king’s childless wives were entombed with his body, thus guaranteeing he’d be henpecked throughout eternity but would at least get his meals on time.

  28. Buffalo Bill said,

  29. K2 said,

    Cool friggin’ song, albeit a tad too long. Perfectly twisted.

  30. LaFlamme said,

    Wow. Death talk. This is porn to me.

  31. Gil said,

    Food, freaks and music video altogether
    http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/taters
    and an updated blog, though only a half awake rant.

  32. A.O. said,

    Wow. I suddenly have the strongest craving for PO-TA-TOES.

  33. Linda said,

    Me too, A.O. I’m just on my way to the kitchen to see what I can boil up.

  34. Blumpkin said,

    put this in wrong blog…

    A little spring cheer. I thought paying 3 bucks a gallon was bad…..

    http://www.ogrish.com/archives/gas_station_accident_Apr_13_2006.html

  35. A.O. said,

    Mark…were you at Wally World tonight? If not, you have a dopple ganger.

  36. A.O. said,

    This place is like a morgue.

  37. Linda said,

    Oh no more death talk!!! Hi A.O. I wonder where everyone is tonight?

  38. A.O. said,

    Linda, I’ve been out Easter shopping. The Easter Bunny still comes to my house. And, tomorrow, we’re off to a Sea Dog’s game. Yup. My kids will be eating hot dogs for Easter dinner. I’m so…blue. I’ll miss the spiral ham and mashed potatoes. Oh…well. Bummer.

  39. LaFlamme said,

    I WAS at Wally World. Oh, no! You didn’t spy me in the woman’s section trying on bras again, did you? Because I got banned for that once.

  40. Linda said,

    I friend of mine has a 12 year old son who still believes in the Easter Bunny — or claims he does. I think he’s just scamming her for the chocolate.

    Earlier, around dusk, I was walking the dog in the woods. The stream was high and he got totally drenched, and now my car is soaked. Hope Easter is dry and airy so I can rehabilitate it some — the car at least. Not much hope of that with the dog.

    Mark, are you writing something for us? Our attention span, you know …

  41. LaFlamme said,

    What? You’re tired of dead, stinky bodies already?

  42. Linda said,

    I read the Gruesome discoveries this morning and now I’ll probably have nightmares. It’ll be like The Telltale Heart — I’ll be compelled to scream out all my secrets. My husband will be shocked and bewildered. The dog will howl, all the lights on the street will go on, the rooster 2 houses down will crow at 3 a.m. (wait — he does that anyhow).

    But no, if you don’t feel like changing the subject that’s OK, it won’t be the first time all that happened, nor the last I guess.

  43. LaFlamme said,

    Dammit, I’m trying to upload, but WordPress is being bitchy. It won’t upload. I just made up a few new swear words.

  44. Linda said,

    Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.

  45. A.O. said,

    Just like Lamaze…breathe honey, breathe.

  46. LaFlamme said,

    Lamaze! Holy shit, am I pregnant? Again?

  47. Linda said,

    Actually I was thinking of yoga, but sure, you’re about to give birth to a blog posting, so it should work pretty well for that. Not as good as drugs obviously, but you’ll have to decide for yourself

  48. A.O. said,

    Jaysus, Mark, I thought you got that whole “uterus” thing taken care of!! Men!

  49. A.O. said,

    Happy Easter to all my blogging buddies! Hope you all have a wonderful day.

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