Gift ideas for the clinically insane

April 21, 2006 at 3:31 am (Uncategorized)

Christmas is four months gone and eight months away. Valentines Day came and went with its usual Hallmark gaudiness. The spring months are relatively stress free when it comes to shopping for that special someone. Still, you might have a wedding or birthday coming up and you haven't giftguide1.jpg gotten around to finding the perfect gift. Not to fear, slackasses. I have been diligently at work preparing the perfect list for last minute shoppers.

I'm an expert in last minute shopping. You'll find me at the Big Apple year after year, begging a store clerk to sell me a window display. Or a slightly used ashtray. Or a mop bucket. Man, anything will do when the hours are ticking down and your standing in life depends on coming up with something unique.

Unique is what it's all about. Spencer's was a great place to shop until everyone discovered it. Now whoopie cushions, leg lamps and Foreplay: the board game are passé gifts. And so, the list. Unfortunately, I was unable to copy it so you'll have to use the link. A small price to pay for such a masterful compilation of ideas that will endear you to your kids, spouse or grandparents. Also a good place to find a special gift for your mailman, paperboy or proctologist.

Grand ideas for all your gift giving needs.


  1. Martha said,

    Mark, I think I’m just as happy you missed my birthday a few days ago.. LOL

  2. Mark Laflamme said,

    What? Didn’t you want a shank washer? Or the Shatner album?

  3. Martha said,

    EWWWWWW.. Spare me, please… LOL.. but thanks anyway.

  4. Mainetarr said,

    Hey! Bailey has that Kong Toy and I just bought someone that musical inchworm for a baby shower gift. What the hell? You following me around or something? I’ll never look at that Kong Ball the same now. Dammit Calvin, you are warping my mind.

  5. Fred said,

    thats O.K. Maineterr.My dog has the same toy.He loves it.What is they say about great minds? LOL

  6. K2 said,

    Hey, we have the Dora the Explorer potty-training thingy. No poops yet, though. Damn.

    As for the tongue-scraper, am I the only one who brushes his tongue when I brush my teeth? Gotta scrub the papilla, right?

    Shanter can’t act? Somebody hasn’t seen Star Trek II — the Wrath of Kahn. And I think we all owe Spock a big thank you.

  7. A.O. said,

    I just watched The Wrath of Kahn the other day. I love that movie, even though I’m not a fan of Star Trek. Every time I watch it, I comment on how Shatner can’t act. It’s the final scene that kills me. Gawd, I’d really hate to hear him sing. It would be like a slow, deathly torture.

    As for the gifts, I thought the Flute Swab was pretty funny. You guy’s DO have to keep your “flutes” clean, right? Perfect gift for the man who has everything.

  8. K2 said,

    Yeah, in that the end of the movie, the blood stain on his uniform moves from scene to scene. Classic.

    Still, what Spock did there in the engine room, messing with those dilithium crystals and shit, well, I’ll never discriminate against Vulcans again, those green-blooded, elf-eared freaks.

  9. A.O. said,

    Poor Spock. He WAS the hero in that one. Good thing they made another movie after Kahn. I was really worried that they wouldn’t be able to resurrect him. Phew!

  10. "The Weasel" said,

    We’ve reached a new low….

  11. A.O. said,

    I’ve always wanted to learn a second language but, Klingon was not one of my choices. Vulcan? Now that’s something to think about.

  12. K2 said,

    Just to make sure we’re all on the same page, we are searching for Klingons on Uranus, right?

    I always hoped Kirk would take Ohura out for a spin in that little space shuttle thingy that shot out of the Enterprise’s sphincter. Just the two of them hurtling though space, with some Barry White playing in the background, a few quarts of Colt 45 in the mini-fridge, and phasers set on cum, I mean stun — now there’s some adventure.

    George Takay (Sulu) is on Stern every now and then. He’s queerer than a three dollar bill.

  13. Bobbie said,

    You just figured that out, K2?

  14. Bobbie said,

    I just figured out how to burn music to a cd from my playlist. I am happy with myself right now. And no, my son wasn’t here to talk me thru it either-I did it all on my own. My question for the day is: Why can’t they make it either one click or two clicks for everything instead of having it a trial and error thing?

  15. "The Weasel" said,

  16. Mark Laflamme said,

    Ha! Holy shit, those are the ugliest porn stars I’ve ever seen!

  17. Mark Laflamme said,

    And what the hell? I thought I was scrounging up obscure, never-seen-before gift ideas and you people already have them? I got your flute swab.

  18. A.O. said,


    Weasel, What…oh…never mind!

  19. K2 said,

    Well, that’s a new take on the old ‘reach around.’ Nothing like a quaint tickle down there when your cramming away.

  20. Linda said,

    We only have three of those gift items right now, but I’m putting another five on my wish list. Mothers Day is coming soon!

  21. Mainetarr said,

    Hey Fred, put some peanut butter in the Kong Ball and watch your dog try to get it out. It’s freaking hysterical.

  22. LaFlamme said,

    Kong ball!

  23. Linda said,

    Yes, my dog loves his Kong especially with peanut butter.

  24. brenda said,

    qaStaH nuq?

    my outlet blew last nite & I was in a tizzy, all the other outlets don’t have 3 prongs. I moved the whole computer desk into my son’s room & set it all up here.

    I’ve always had the hots for Vulcan’s & pointy eared intellectual- savage beings.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: