Things that go bzzzzzz in the night

April 25, 2006 at 2:25 am (Uncategorized)

naughty.gifBack in the late 80's, when much of the state was underwater from the spring floods, my friends and I went to the river banks in Waterville to witness the destruction. The entertainment level of the chaos went up several notches when an adult book store was swept away by the rising river, and all of its lascivious wares went floating away with it.

There! Floating languidly like a disabled torpedo, a pink vibrator bobbed its way along the river. Beyond that, an uninflated blowup doll, ripped free from a box, her mouth wide open with fright. Down river a ways, just a few feet blowupdoll.jpgfrom shore, a contraption we initially believed was a baseball bat. When a friend reached for it, he found it was far more pliant than any bat and he dropped it as though he'd been bitten. It was a double-headed dildo that no doubt caused all the eels in the river to fall in love.

The Ben Wa balls must have sunk to the bottom at once. We never saw any of those. But we saw leather whips and strap-on weenies, penis pumps and pocket vaginas bouncing along the waves like refugees swimming in from the island of Gomorrah.

Good times. You just can't go wrong with things that buzz and things that grind in gyrating circles on ball bearings. The adult novelty store spilled its product line into the river and it was like the community's diary flapping open to the really juicy pages.

They make stuff these days (I think I read it in my Better Homes and Garden) that you won't even recognize at first glance. Things that look like extraterrestrial house plants but that are designed to manipulate this and stimulate that.

Most cities have at least a couple stores that sell these things. When a new adult store opens up, the prudes express their shock and dismay. Then they quietly send a friend to pick up products for them and then the hubub subsides, except for a low buzzing sound late, late at night. Communities learn to ignore the dark windows and triple X's on the door and its a peaceful co-existance. People have a variety of needs and those stores address them. Everything is fine until a flood or a new band of prudes roars through the city.


The Associated Press

April 21, 2006

COLUMBIA — Lucy’s Love Shop employee Wanda Gillespie said she was flabbergasted that South Carolina’s Legislature is considering outlawing sex toys.But banning the sale of sex toys is actually quite common in some Southern states.

The South Carolina bill, proposed by Republican Rep. Ralph Davenport, would make it a felony to sell devices used primarily for sexual stimulation and allow law enforcement to seize sex toys from raided businesses. Pocketrocket.jpg

"That would be the most terrible thing in the world," said Ms. Gillespie, an employee the Anderson shop. "That is just flabbergasting to me. We are supposed to be in a free country, and we’re supposed to be adults who can decide what want to do and don’t want to do in the privacy of our own homes."

Ms. Gillespie, 49, said she has worked in the store for nearly 20 years and has seen people from every walk of life, including "every Sunday churchgoers."

"I know of multiple marriages that sex toys have sold because some people need that. The people who are riding us (the adult novelty industry) so hard are probably at home buying it (sex toys and novelties) on the Internet. It’s ridiculous."
The measure would add sex toys to the state’s obscenity laws, which already prohibit the dissemination and advertisement of obscene materials.

People convicted under obscenity laws face up to five years in prison and a $10,000 fine.


  1. Anonymous said,

    well, they can’t outlaw homemade things, and things used differently than expected, and people can get very creative sometimes….

  2. Mainetarr said,

    If this doesn’t drag Bulldog out, nothing will.

  3. Asshat said,

    This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and “can you handle it?”

    The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss’s positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks;

    “How much for the white dildo?”

    He answers, “$35.”

    She, “How much for the black one?”

    He, “$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.”

    She, “I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before.” She pays him, and off she goes.

    A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks;

    “How much for the black dildo?”

    He, “$35.”

    She, “How much for the white one?”

    He, “$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.”

    She, “I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one before.” She pays him, and off she goes.

    About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, “How much are your dildos?” He, “$35 for the white, $35 for the black.”

    She, How much is that plaid one on the shelf?”

    He, “Well, that’s a very special dildo it’ll cost you $165.”

    She thinks for a moment and answers, “I’ll take the plaid one, I’ve never had a plaid one before.” She pays him, and off she goes.

    Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?” To which the saleman responded, “I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!”

  4. K2 said,

    Ah, good ol’ pocket pussies and Ben Wa balls. Staples, for sure.

    And who the hell decided that sex toys should be sold side-by-side with pot paraphenalia? I mean, who goes to Paris Books on Lisbon St. and says, “Yes, I’ll take that silver bowl and a pack of screens, and oh, throw in that blue-veined gelatinous double dong, please.”

  5. Slet Varthash said,

    Back in ’43 when we shipped out, we had to march down to the docks at night. We were told this was to keep spies from knowing about our troop movements, or some such foolishness. Anyways, none of this prevented some of the working girls from coming out to see us off. Our unit moved forward in fits and starts, and there was more than enough time for anyone so inclined to sneak off for a quick stand-up liaison in a darkened doorway or alley. $5.00; wham bam thank you ma’am, and back into column. Later on in England these same guys had to go to the doc for an assortment of problems with their wedding tackle. Since we hadn’t been granted leave, the Officers couldn’t figure out how those guys had gotten infected. They got fined a few months pay and had to do some hard work details for a while.
    I was more fortunate in that regard. Once we moved into France, after the invasion, we had ample opportunity to avail ourselves of the local beauties. Pack of cigarettes and she was your friend; until the next guy came along. The funny thing was, the week before she was probably screwing with Willi or Hans; also for a pack of cigarettes. The French were a country of prostitutes, lazy and dirty too. It was much nicer once we crossed the border into Germany. Ah yes, those were the days.

  6. LaFlamme said,

    What was the infection du jour over there? The syph? Gonnoreah? Dog sized crabs?

  7. Slet Varthash said,

    All of the above. There were quite strong regulations about this sort of thing; and if you got infected too often you could be brought up on charges for rendering yourself unfit for combat.

  8. LaFlamme said,

    See? Blowup dolls never give you a disease. Except for latex itch, maybe.

  9. Bulldog said,

    Funny MT, really funny. Yes, I’m back. Computer was down for a while but I’m up and running again.

    Never had a blow up doll (although I have given a couple away as gifts). Nothing like ol’ reliable though. Gotta love my manual dick with dog teeth marks all over it. A homemade clit tickler, I tell ya!

  10. LaFlamme said,

    Whoa, whoa. Is that the REAL Bulldog? I guess it sort of has to be, what with that knowledge of toothy dildos and all. Welcome back, Bulldogius.

  11. Richie said,

  12. LaFlamme said,

    Woooow… It’s a sad day when we get excited over petro selling at $2.84 a gallon. Is there any economic reason why this happens right before vacation season every year? Someone enthrall me with financial wizardry. And don’t forget to get an adult toy into the equation.

  13. A.O. said,

    Bulldog!! I’ve been worried about you! Glad to see you back and, still your old self!

  14. Robert said,

    Gas prices changes before and during a major travel holiday are purely coincidental according to the CEO of Mobil, and are the same type of coincidence as finding inflatable dolls and KY Jelly in the back of his Mercedes.

  15. A.O. said,

    Robert, How was your vacation? Did you have fun and eat all kinds of yummy yet, bad for you things?

  16. Anonymous said,

    oops…blog problems again.

  17. LaFlamme said,

    What? What kind of blog problems? Friggin’ thing. Just when we’re engaged in earnest discussions of lofty subject like gas prices and screw dolls.

  18. A.O. said,

    Hey, that was me. What, am I now anonymous? That was one of the problems, the other showing that the data couldn’t be shown…or something like that. Seems fine now. So, discuss amongst yourselves…topic being, screwdolls.

  19. LaFlamme said,

    I had to go into an adult store once to buy a screw doll for a bachelor party. Yeah, that's what it was. A bachelor party. Yeah.
    Actually, that kind of thing never bothered me much. Friends used to send me in to buy vibrators and other implements for their wives and girlfriends. I was once sent to a pharmacy for a douche. Seriously, what do I care if people think I'm some twisted freak?

  20. K2 said,

    Douche? Mark, you’re getting flushed.

  21. brenda said,

    slet varthash, you liked germany more than france? I’m surprised you didn’t go on to mention P-Strasse….. there’s one in every city. The only street where the women shaved their legs, etc, maybe it was better for you because the women were gov’t inspected for health?

  22. A.O. said,

    I went to a sex toy party last fall. I’ll be the first to tell you that it was any eye opening experiance! Holy crap! I couldn’t believe the size of some of those … dicks. All I could say was, I’ve had two kids and, those things aren’t gonna come any where near me! (No pun intended!)..Ha. I want to know who comes up (!) with the designs of these things? Must be Desperate Housewives. But, on the bright side, I did win the sex quiz game at the end of the show. Don’t know if that’s a good thing…he.

  23. LaFlamme said,

    Ha! Flushed. That took me 3.5 seconds.
    AO, have you seen the massive ball bearing things yet? I mean, they look like they were developed by NASA.

  24. LaFlamme said,

    By the way, you wouldnt believe how long I had to root around for the perfect blowup doll face last night. The others juuuuuust weren’t right for my needs.

  25. A.O. said,

    Ha. No, I must have missed the balls. So many toys to see, so little time.

  26. A.O. said,

    Do I dare ask what they’re for? Nah, I don’t.

  27. LaFlamme said,

    To me it looks like a really elaborate blender.

  28. A.O. said,

    Nope. Didn’t see it/ them. The only blender I saw there was the one for mixing drinks.

  29. Linda said,

    Hi folks, I’ve had many rivers to cross tonight, for one thing my computer decided there were no posts since this morning and that was final. Are we passing around some cyber transmitted disease here? and for another thing the mere mention of Viggo was highly distracting, but anyhow, wha’sup? I see you’re deep into one of the blog’s two fave subjects.
    Anyone for a .. what is it, a tiramisu martini or something, just to round out the party?

  30. A.O. said,

    A tiramisu martini. Hmm. Sounds awful sweet to me. Any good?

  31. Linda said,

    No sweet drinks for me — wasn’t in Mainetarr who mentioned it last night, or at least someone posting under her name in all the confusion? I was joking. Jameson’s or sauv blanc are my choices.

  32. A.O. said,

    Chard. Chilled and, dry but, not too dry. I’m not one for sweet drinks.

  33. Mainetarr said,

    Do you know what they call it when a bird gets a sexually transmitted disease? Twerpies. I know, that was lame but it’s all I got.
    Hey, I got to bottle feed 1 day old Mastiff puppies tonight. It was the coolest experience ever.

  34. Linda said,

    That sounds great, MT.
    The only canine contribution I have tonight is that our local coyote was in my drive again this morning. Glad I don’t have any small pets. The neighbours have some birds, including a stupid rooster. As far as I am concerned, the coyote would be doing us all a favor if he takes the rooster down.

  35. LaFlamme said,

    Yeaaaah, they come to … something… the rooster.
    How the hell does that song go?

  36. LaFlamme said,

    Where the fluck did Bulldog go? That was a brief appearance.

  37. Linda said,

    Sure, the coyote can snuff the rooster & we might have some quiet around here.
    (That’s a joke — we’ve got more than our share of quiet)

  38. A.O. said,

    She’s off playing with her dog bitten dildo.

  39. Linda said,

    Then she should be in a good mood when she eventually checks in here.

  40. A.O. said,

    Well, one would hope so…

  41. Mainetarr said,

    Chris is trying to convince me that Bailey needs a playmate and we should get a puppy when they are ready. Ugggggggg, me and my big mouth. Damn…

    Got a haircut today, no one noticed, so I guess that’s the sign of a good cut. I was hoping for “foxy” like hulking and surley’s but I got nuttin…

    Randyman, nice to see you again, Other (white meat) Randy, sorry I missed you.

  42. Linda said,

    MT, I guess the trick is the mousse, if you want to get noticed for “foxy”

  43. A.O. said,

    MT, have you come up for air from the PBS auction?

    Linda, REALLY? Mousse? Does it work for you? I use the damn stuff every day. Guess it must only work for really foxy woman.

  44. Linda said,

    Jesus, no, don’t you remember last night? Randy (or someone posting as Randy) said he had the same hairstyle as ever, no perm(anent) but just some mousse “to keep it out of his eyes.”
    Total recall can be a curse, I know — I wouldn’t wish it on any of you. But really, nobody should write it if they don’t want me to remember it.
    And believe me, I’m not the mousse type!!! My hair with mousse is too hilarious.

  45. LaFlamme said,

    Speaking of hair, the doll at the top of this page looks somewhat like Mary Ann from the island with those pigtails.

  46. Linda said,

    So, are you saying she doesn’t remind you of Lois?

  47. Bobbie said,

    Linda, don’t let Mark fool you with his supposed “total recall” line because he doesn’t have it. He just likes to think he does!

    AO, VH1 is playing your favorite song right now by the supper meal that you don’t like to have mentioned. Just had to throw that in so you’d do the cool barfing guy again. LOL

  48. Martha said,

    You guys still have slightly lower gas prices than we do. Ours are 2.95 everywhere.. well, Sam’s Club is 2 cents lower, but only if you’re a member.
    Mark, even though they deny it, the reason gas prices go up at the beginning of every summer vacation season is because the gas companies know people will be driving more and want to take advantage of it.

  49. LaFlamme said,

    That’s crap. I’m gonna start filling my gas tank with tasty, nutritious Tang. That’ll fix ’em.

  50. Martha said,

    LOL…. hope your engine runs well.

  51. K2 said,

    Definitely Mary Ann.

  52. Robert said,

    Mainetarr…getting back to the Twerpies…you are correct it is a canarial disease, but don’t worry its tweatable…2 pubs for the price of one..

    A.O…vacation was awesome…had a couple great meals….tradition is I make a homemade easter dinner for 10 people – baked ham, veggies, rolls potato, desserts..

    If anyone is ever in Nags Head (NC Outer Banks) I’d recommend Bob’s Burgers – for lunch – the motto is “Eat and get The Hel Out”….its kinda like the Road Kill Cafe in Rangeley..and for Dinner I’d go with Dirty Dicks Crab House….you might see me around town with a new short that says I got my Crabs at Dirty Dicks….awesome BarBQ foods and incredible crab dishes and cajun foods.

    The 15 1/5 hour drive I could do without, but it was a gorgeous home on the ocean so sleeping while hearing the waves crash always works for me.

  53. LaFlamme said,

    I hate that drive. Going down, you get New Haven and then New York traffic back to back and then toll booths every 30 feet in Delaware. The ride back is the worst. Anyone ever driven the famed and feard Beltway in DC? Suicide, man.

  54. Robert said,


    Actually I have no problem with New Haven this year, went very smooth for the first time…they finally finished the work on 95 hahahaha….and as far asNY yeah it still sucks, but I will say its taking an hour less each way with EZ pass now, and in NY, NJ, DE & NC the EZ pass is a 55 mile zone, no barriers or abuttments, its three lanes wide, just cruise on through and wave to all those in the 10 cars deep line waiting to pay.

    I have considered taking the Tappan Zee 287 to the Garden state and then picking up NJ Turnpike down by exit 11 where they cross, it looks to add about 20 miles, not sure if its really less traffic then going stright 95 across the George Washington…

    As far as the Betlway, yes I got stuck in it 2 years ago headed to a Nascar race in North carolina (yes a bit of redneck in me). Never again will I hit Baltimore at 6 AM, I will plan to avoid that issue all together!

  55. LaFlamme said,

    You and me both, brother. The last time I hit the Beltway, after an all night drive starting at midnight, I was trying to decide how bad my eventual crash would be, not whether or not it would happen. Talk about trying to look everywhere at once while driving 80.

    As for the drive back, typically I’ve spent too much time celebrating vacation while down south and then driving back, I’m exhausted and my nerves are rattled. The solution: keep celebrating and make someone else drive.

  56. Mainetarr said,

    wow, you guys are all so traveled. I have to get out more.

  57. Linda said,

    I’ll drive if you like. I prefer the Tappan Zee and the NJ Turnpike.
    We had a great trip to Virginia last summer, down 81 to the Roanoke area. Anyone out there ever do Skyline Drive in the Shenandoah National Park? I loved that.

  58. K2 said,

    Ah, Shenandoah. Great Appalachian folk song right there.

  59. Martha said,

    I’ve done the beltway at different times of day. I’ve never had a problem with it.. just pay attention. I even drove straight through DC at rush hour… ONCE.. How I ever got where I needed to be, I really don’t know, but I did.. LOL Several times I said to my kids who were teenagers at the time… I think I just passed out turn. And.. it was in a downpour. NOT fun.
    I’ve never done Skyline Drive, but I’ve heard about it. Someday, maybe.

  60. LaFlamme said,

    Pay attention? It’s like driving in a video game in there!

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