Spongebob on crack

April 27, 2006 at 4:07 am (Uncategorized)

Christ, some criminal suspects are ugly. You can hear police putting out a bulletin on this guy: a man with a mullet and a sponge for a face. Subject described as porous and as skanky as God ever made a man. Sponge.jpgI mean, look at him! You'd be reluctant to clean up cat vomit or wipe down the underside of your toilet with that spongey bastard. And I wouldn't be so mean spirited about old Sponge Bob Mullethead, but this guy is wanted for attacking a teenage girl and raping her somewhere in Oregon. I mean, I know it's tough getting dates when you have holes clear through your face, but dude… get the Internet.

Okay, I'm done raving about this guy. Ten years ago, we had a woman running amok in the Lewiston area robbing stores and pharmacies. Hell, she even robbed a shoe store. I mean, who does that?

The interesting part though, was the composite sketches. Each one depicted a rather ogrish young lady with horrible acne. In police and media circles, she became known as the acne bandit. Not real creative, but hey. Neither was The Boston Strangler.

Eventually the woman was caught and, yup. Those witnesses were right. She had acne from the hairline down to her chinny, chin chin. I had rather hoped she was sticking up stores to pay for some radical new medication, something poetic like that. But no. She was looking for drug money.

When I finally snap and start pulling bank jobs, you people will never know it. The police bulletins will consistently describe an obese man with a tiny head. That's because I am able to ping pong between 170 and 300 pounds at will.

fat.jpg

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88 Comments

  1. Martha said,

    Mark,
    Are you planning your future?

    GRRRRR… my last post on the previous subject took over half an hour to get through.. you guessed it, they were “working on” the site.

  2. K2 said,

    Dude, you’re a blimp. Who knew?

    But didn’t Ted Bundy use his good looks to kill all those women?

  3. AO said,

    My first thought was, “Wow, a normal picture of LaFlamme!” But, then I scrolled all the way down. Too bad you don’t have a mug shot of the acne faced shoe store robber. What the hell kind of person robs a shoe store? Loser!

  4. K2 said,

    Oh, and by the way, It takes a lot to laugh. . . .

  5. K2 said,

    Well, AO, it’s quite a criminal feet to rob a shoe store. It’s being in-step with the times, while allowing the soul to heel.

  6. Martha said,

    K2, how long does your brain continue to sleep after you get up? If its in gear when you start typing, I fail to see it.

  7. K2 said,

    Martha, thank you very little.

  8. Martha said,

    Hey, I’m only stating what I thought was obvious…. but… whatever…

  9. AO said,

    I don’t think K2’s brain ever sleeps.

  10. Martha said,

    AO, that might be his problem.

  11. K2 said,

    So what is obvious to you, Martha? That you don’t get my impromtu foot-related puns? Or my abstract reference to Bob Dylan? My ‘sleeping’ brain had already read the SJ this morning, and Mark’s piece today is called, ‘It takes a train to cry.’ Well, that happens to be the last half of a Dylan song, ‘It takes a lot to laugh, it takes a train to cry.’

    But I was merely asleep at the wheel, yes. I’ll type slower for you for now on.

    And did anyone notice that the ‘Left Behind’ series sounds like the title of gay porn for Satanists?

  12. Martha said,

    K2, no need to type slower for me. I read the online version of the SJ long before you woke up, I’m sure. I don’t care for Bob Dylan…
    I get your puns, I just think they’re rather trivial, and not very imaginative… so don’t trouble yourself on my behalf. I seriously doubt it would change my opinion.

  13. K2 said,

    Martha, as they used to say in the fraternity, ‘shit in your fist.’

  14. AO said,

    For what it’s worth, I appreciate your foot related puns. Funny stuff.

  15. Martha said,

    K2.. no thanks, you can keep it…..

  16. K2 said,

    You bring a lot to the Lost Sole table, Martha, let me tell you. Buckets of fun are you. (As opposed to Dylan’s ‘Bucket of Rain.’)

    Thanks, AO. I guess this is just the agony of defeet.

  17. Martha said,

    Like I said… whatever… to each his own.

  18. K2 said,

    I forgot to mention that ‘Jean’ disparaged this blog over in Our View. Just thought I’d let the hounds know.

  19. Robert said,

    Am I the only wondering if the sketch artist was from the School for the developmentally delayed? You think they could get a better sketch?

    JUst had to stick my foot in the door so to speak, and get a leg up on the competition…

    I’m shocked jean said anything about this blog….I still say Jean is Dan in disguise…

  20. AO said,

    Ohh, interesting thought, Robert. Dan/Jean, Jean/Dan. DaJean.
    As for the sketch, maybe that’s what the guy REALLY looks like. If so, yuck!

  21. jesse said,

    i can just imagine the job description for ther police sketch artist.
    Only requirement: ability to hold a pencil, drawing skills optional

  22. Robert said,

    Jesse, you forgot…crayons optional…

  23. K2 said,

    When is Mark’s baby due? He’s got to be in the third trimester, right?

  24. Pattycakes said,

    Marth–just ignore KY–everyone else does–he is an asshole who always has to get the last word. Trust me–I have had the same discussion with him before. He thinks he is clever and witty–but he is just a glorified jerk who enjoys his own posts. He also gets off on constantly shitting on Mark for some reason. Jealousy is an ugly monster–

  25. LaFlamme said,

    What? We’re being attacked by someone with an ambigous name over in Our View? I gotta see this.

  26. LaFlamme said,

    Yep, sho nuff. Jean gave me a good opportunity to hang out a little shingle over there, anyway. Say… does that sound a bit filthy? “Hang out a little shingle…”

  27. Bobbie said,

    Haven’t read the SJ yet, but will definitely have to now. Gotta see what’s got Jean’s panties in a bunch now.

  28. K2 said,

    Umm, Pattycakes, I like Mark. And I am jealous of his work ethic — the man writes all the time, and does it well. Also, he can take a joke, and give one back too.

    Nice to see you again, Pattycakes, whomever you are.

  29. LaFlamme said,

    Hey K2, is this Jean fellow a longtime Our Viewer or new meat?

  30. Robert said,

    Jean is fairly recent to the post and claims to be 78 years old with an 80 year old husband, and yet she’s active on the computer at all hours posting stuff..me thinks I smell a rat on that one…

  31. Bobbie said,

    If I may be so bold to offer a theory as to the identity of Jean, I would say that s/he is a longtime Our Viewer with a very short memory for certain things.

  32. Richie said,

    What is that great bulge in front of you, Mark ? No no no; not THAT bulge; what are you hiding in that “hoodie” thing you’re wearing ? You look like you just crawled out of your cardboard box apartment behind the SJ . Oh, maybe you’re doing the Derek Dube look-alike contest ? Applying for the Hells Angels ? Getting reading to go mug po’ fo’k up in the park ? Working on your skateboard ‘tude so you’ll be ready when the new skateboard park opens ? Hmmmm.

    Speaking of the skateboarders; they took away the basketball courts that the colored kids use, and built a skateboard park for the white kids to use. What’s with that !?
    And some of those ‘boarders are adults in their 30’s too. Just wait until one of them parks in a Police Parking space ! Ha ha ! Won’t THEY get a sudden surprise.

    Have you heard, the cops are forming a skateboard squad to patrol that area ? Just like the bike squad & other special squads they have; no they can thrash and shred & hang woith the young folks and maybe sit down and rap a little. Uh huh. Yah.
    Right-o. Yupper.

  33. LaFlamme said,

    It’s about time the cops get down with the skater mentality. And yeah, what’s up with taking away the basketball courts? I love the basketball courts. It’s a great place to hang out for some truly exquisite trash talking and some fine gossip. I won’t get either of those from the “we’re upper-middle class, but we want to be treated like poor kids” skaters. Damn teens with their angst and the music and makeout parties…

  34. Linda said,

    Hi folks, I’m not really here on Thursdays but had to drop in to say hello. if I can get my knives sharpened and my flak jacket on later this evening, I might grab one the many conversational brass rings. Who would know where to begin today? Love this blog, it’s a lucky dip every day, you never know what’ll be going down.
    Have fun – if you run with scissors, try not to run each other through!

  35. Mainetarr said,

    Hey gang, sorry I have been MIA, I met the new addition to my family today and the little girl has been in my office being bottle fed all day by her new mama, ME! She is a three day old Mastiff puppy, unnamed as of today. I am leaning towards Chloe, but have to run it by the hubby. Her eyes aren’t even open yet. Momma Mastiff had 10 puppies and she is having a hard time feeding them all, so the owner (my medical biller Wendy) is helping her by bottle feeding along with her. Today, there were three in special need of some attention, so she brought them into the office. One just happened to be my little girl. She is beautiful, looks like a baby pug right now, but I am sure that will change. I am open to suggestions, she has a little scrunched up black face, but the rest of her is fawn colored (light brown). She’s a keeper, that’s for sure. She ate like a banchee today and slept in my arms for the better part of the day.

    Now, back to the blog. Jean sounds an awful lot like FB, I will go to Our View to check it out!

  36. AO said,

    I read the comments made by “Jean”. I too think it’s Dan. Especially where he called Robert a liar. Has “Dan” written all over her.

  37. AO said,

    Congratulations on your new “baby”, Mainetarr. Can’t wait to meet her. Just…keep her away from me.

  38. Mainetarr said,

    It’s Dan. I just got the word, Jean=Dan. Fat bastard.

  39. AO said,

    I thought that Jean=John.

  40. K2 said,

    Hey, I have to brag and say that I called Jean ‘Danette’ this morning. As the Beatles sang, ‘I’ve got a feeling.” And the name Jean is rather androgenous; but then again, I’m Kris with a ‘K’, so never fucking mind. *pinky extedended as I type’

    But is lactating he/she really Dan? Please confirm.

    I’m curious as to who’s Pattycakes? Cripes, ruthless insults from Weasel I can take, for that is his metier; but from some unknown salad tosser, well, I never. . . .

  41. K2 said,

    Oh, and MT, congrats on the new puppy. A lucky, lucky dog, for sure.

  42. LaFlamme said,

    You just know the Jean/Dan hybrid is peeking in here to see what colorful things we say about him. Damn, I should have foreseen this and prepared a nice welcome, with bunting and collages and a band.

  43. Bobbie said,

    Enjoy the bottle feeding, MT. It’s special bonding time for the 2 of you. I wouldn’t trade the time I spent with the kittens. Hubby thought that I was crazier than usual when I would talk to the kittens while I fed them.

  44. AO said,

    Mark, it’s not too late! Get some music piped into this blog! That would be cool. Now we need to take a poll on just what type of music to play. Wonder what type “Jean” likes? I just know that when he gets here…he’s gonna LOVE IT!!

  45. AO said,

    K2, you’ve got the pinky affliction also? I didn’t notice it while you were drinking your (skunk piss!) Heineken . Must only happen when you sip on Allen’s.

  46. Linda said,

    Yay, sounds like i might finally get to meet the famous Dan. You all speak of him so often, for me he has mythic proportions. No wait, maybe that’s Mark. Anyhow, I love the puppy thing, MT, congratulations. And K2, didn’t I see that Pattycakes called you KY, what’s up with that? was it some kind of freudian reference, a veiled wish of some sort? Never mind, if there’s anything to know it’ll be blazoned here soon enough.

  47. AO said,

    Linda, Don’t hold your breath waiting for Dan to show up. He’s too chicken. He can dish it out but, he can’t take it.

  48. K2 said,

    Linda. I presaged KY (jelly, that is, although I’m an Astroglide man), and Weasel and Trehugger capitized upon it. God bless them.

  49. K2 said,

    Me no spell good

  50. AO said,

    K2, you do fine. But, Astroglide? Hmm…I never would have thought….

  51. K2 said,

    Glycerin-based goodness. So slick the product comes (heh heh) with a warning. Now that’s my Slam Lotion, sister.

  52. AO said,

    What kind of warning? That it doesn’t protect against veneral diseases or, prevent pregnancy? What?

  53. K2 said,

    “CAUTION – Astroglide is extremely slippery.”

    I shit you not.

    Slide it in, right to the top
    Slide it in, I ain’t never gonna stop
    Slide it in, slide it in, slide . . . it . . . in

    Good ol’ Whitesnake. (I used to like that crap?!?)

  54. LaFlamme said,

    Coffee is hot, knives are sharp, bricks are blunt, lubricant is slippery. Gotta have a warning so we don’t all hurt ourselves. Ow! I just stubbed my pinky on the letter P. I’m suing Dell.

  55. AO said,

    K2, do you have a tube right there? Does it really say that?

    Mark, watch out for that pinky! You’ll need it for sippin’ of the Allen’s.

  56. jarheaddoc said,

    It is quite clear to me that MT needs to get a job where she actually works at work, not just manipulating her employers into more udnerwater brain surgery to pay for the temp who actually works while she feeds an innocent creature she wishes to name chloe. What the fuck kind of name is that for a dog?!
    And every last goddam one of you have entirely toomuch time on your hands to sit and play with these fucking computers all day.

  57. Linda said,

    Wow! Who the hell is that? Live and let live, mate. Be our guest and do something else with YOUR time than slag off at us.

  58. AO said,

    Dan/Jean…so nice of you to drop by. ūüôā

  59. jarheaddoc said,

    Linda, I apologize for offending your sensibilities. I’m really a tree hugger at heart: just as soon as I can wrap my arms around it to hug it, I cut it down and make something useful out of it. And if that offends you, then I won’t even think of telling where toilet paper comes from

  60. LaFlamme said,

    Wow. What have we here…

  61. jarheaddoc said,

    I have always been politically incorrect, and being off my meds has not helped a damn bit, either. I will have to go see my doctor about that, but my insurance only covers having a butthole, not being one

  62. jarheaddoc said,

    and to make a comment about the topic that Lalamme started with, that drawing is HEINOUS

  63. Mainetarr said,

    WTF Jarhead…go pick on someone else…and don’t try to make believe you are Treehugger. He would never be so mean to me! Bastard!

  64. lost sole said,

    sheesh, someone’s using other bloggers’ names, or else there’s alotta pms going on……

    by the way, astroglide doesn’t come in a tube, it’s a little bottle, because it’s too wet for a tube…..

  65. jarheaddoc said,

    Hey, Linda, I just read a comment you made about the rooster next door to you. You wouldn’t happen to be one of those people who moved from a feeren country, to Mass., then to Maine, would you? These are the same type of people who move out into the sticks and then compalin when the coyote eats their cat. Is that a problem with the nature or nuture of the animal involved?

  66. Mainetarr said,

    How come you know so much about astroglide, Brenda? Hmmmmmmm, LOL
    Well, I guess it does sound like I didn’t get much work done today coddling my little girl Chloe. But I really did get a lot done, so I guess I earned my keep. Jarhead should change his/her name to peckerhead.

  67. jarheaddoc said,

    MT, sorry, sorry, sorry, so sorry that I wasn’t smart enough to find your job instead of mine. And you know I’ve told you this before. I’m just jealous

  68. Mainetarr said,

    You’re just discriminating against me because I am Somalian and it’s not nice. Not one bit. I feel disenfranchised.

  69. jarheaddoc said,

    MT, you’re a scream, but it’s time for me to go to bed. I will have dreams of linda in her night clothes, broom in one hand, cel-phone on the other, with the animal rescue league on speed dial, hoping her precious puddytat don’t get eaten

  70. Mainetarr said,

    Thanks for razzing me Jarhead. Sometimes I need a good kick in the ass.

  71. jarheaddoc said,

    Happy birthday, MT, and I sincerely mean that. And Llinda, if you take any of what I said serious, you read it correctly.

  72. Mainetarr said,

    I got a KICK ASS keyboard on a stand with a microphone and everything on it for my b-day. I got a bunch of sheet music, and instructional video to boot. I just played a snipet of Fur Elise for Mark, man am I rusty. Holy crap…..

  73. jarheaddoc said,

    Get Chloe to walk over the keyboard, sweety. Maybe Elise is a good name for the dog. It has fur, right?

  74. Mainetarr said,

    Thanks Jarhead. Goodnight!

  75. Mainetarr said,

    Chris says your a fucker….Fur ELISE. we are sticking with Chloe. LOL

  76. brenda said,

    jeez, k2, didn’t expect you to be so sensitive, I was just making a point.

  77. Mainetarr said,

    so Brenda, old buddie old pal, how come you are so versed in Astroglide? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm, hahahahahahahha

  78. brenda said,

    hey, I’m not the only “lost sole ” around here, you know!

    anyway, happy birthday, belated, Mainetarr.

  79. Mainetarr said,

    you are not belated Brenda, it’s tomorrow actually. I will be twenty-nineteen tomorrow.

  80. Mainetarr said,

    Or twentynine ten, however you want to look at it. But thanks for the wished.

  81. brenda said,

    cool. My most recent birthday would be twenty- twenty- nine, that way!

    In that case, I’m the first one to say “happy Birthday” to you ON your birthday! Because it IS tomorrow!

    ps good night.

  82. Martha said,

    MT… Happy b-day.. enjoy your 4 legged baby and your keyboard.
    btw.. on April 17th, I was 29 23….yeah… something like that.

  83. K2 said,

    Brenda, what the heck are you talking about?

  84. brenda said,

    our view, when you said you would no longer read my ramblings from hell or something like that.
    it’s ok, some people’s idea of heaven would be hell to me, too.

    sometimes I really like the things you write, sometimes I disagree. But I didn’t mean for you to take it personnally.

  85. K2 said,

    Well, you reap what you sow, Brenda.

  86. brenda said,

    what? what do you mean by that? what does reaping & sowing have to do with agreeing & disagreeing? You can’t tolerate someone disagreeing with you? I really thought you were a stronger person than that.

  87. maria said,

    you are so gay with it

  88. cece said,

    this pic can suck dick cauz thiz shit is ugly as hell who ever took it must be a gay peace nof shit

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