Doggy style

May 4, 2006 at 1:15 am (Uncategorized)

ace_ventura_ac_animo.gifIf I find a spider crawling around in the bathtub, I gently ease the arachnid into a cup and then release him outdoors. I have been known to bring bags of cat food to work to share with the strays on Park Street. I once bought several crickets to feed to my fearsome African spiny mouse, got to feeling bad for the little chirpers,  and so freed them in a neighbor's garden. Not long ago, I convinced the executioners at the Sun Journal to switch from standard mouse traps to humane ones. The very first mouse that was captured, I let go on the lawn of the library after sharing my Doritos.

There are days when I prefer the company of dogs over the company of my fellow man. I love dogs. Especially the dumb ones. I've had dogs since I was a small boy and I never harmed a one, unless you count the one I beaned with a baseball in that backyard that one time. But that son-of-a-bitch was crowding the plate.

What I'm trying to stress here is that I'm an animal lover to the point of stupid. Why, I'm practically Ace Ventura. I mean, look at my hair. And so, I'm really hoping to bring a halt to the death threats, late night phone calls, and involuntary flea dunks administered by those who believe I am a dog-hating cad who probably has canine carcasses under my floorboards.

It all stems from my book in which — yes, a few dogs meet nasty ends. A cocker spaniel gets his spine snapped over the knee of a lumberjack. A pet terrier gets cut in half with a chainsaw (that's still to come, Treehugger). A lovely black lab gets hit by a car and then stomped to death. But hey! It ain't me, it's those freaks in Mulberry, Maine. See, I'm just the harbinger of vile news, not the conducter of the evil.

And so, with that in mind, I'm going to suggest to anyone looking to lynch an animal abuser that this is your guy. I mean, one can only door a poor job of imagining the spinning, suffocating, sudsy death of the washing machine.

EULESS — A 32-year-old man faces an animal cruelty charge after allegedly putting a dog in a washing machine and turning on the hot water cycle. The dog later died. Chad Edward Ellis was indicted Friday on a charge of animal cruelty by a Tarrant County grand jury. Police said Ellis also was connected to a rash of dog disappearances in the area. Four neighbors in January reported their pets missing or stolen, and one said he had seen Ellis carrying dog leashes in backyards.

porn180.jpgBut enough of that. Let's lighten the moment. It is said that everyone can come up with the perfect porn name by using the name of his first pet followed by the name of the street or road where he grew up. I'd like to introduce myself as Sparky Columbia. The wife here is Max Cram.

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71 Comments

  1. Martha said,

    Mark,
    I have a couple dogs I’d be happy to send your way. I’d likely even be willing to pay the freight to get them there.
    They belong to my daughter’s and are living in my house. I’ve already told her one has to go because he’s acted aggressively on a couple occasions. I’m not about to put myself in a position to get sued because her dog bit someone. The other one is one I had, but she took when I was going to take her to a no kill shelter. She digs huge holes in my yard. I can’t put laundry on the line, but she rips them off. I CAN”T stand these dogs. In a word, she’s an idiot.

  2. Gil said,

    Marley Forsyth – doesn’t have that porn ring to it like Max Cram. Sounds more like a bad detective movie name.

  3. K2 said,

    Pussywillow Dogwood? Works for me.

  4. Linda said,

    K2 and Mark’s wife could make a beautiful movie together! Those are great!

    My first dog was Queenie, that works, but as for growing up – my husband says that’s a work in progress.

  5. K2 said,

    I swear, Mark, we were just acting in those scenes, a-c-t-i-n-g.

  6. K2 said,

    And, man, does WordPress have slow servers more often than not.

  7. Bobbie said,

    How about Midnight Hampshire? Or something to go with Porky (besides pig, of course)?

    Of course, you know it’s bad when you call for your daughter and your parents’ newest black lab answers as well because they both have the same name.

    I guess 2 of my 3 cats would fit into this category very nicely-Mr. Fatty and Mr. Mustache. They are almost a year old now and still very playful. They aggravate the heck out of my husband, especially first thing in the morning when he gets up-he can’t move without one of them going for his feet. They only bug me when they think that they should be fed.

  8. "The Weasel" said,

  9. jarheaddoc said,

    Burt Hamsphire just doesn’t work for me. It just makes me sound like aFranco-American running for mayor of the L-A and trying to cover up his heritage to get the reverse minorities to vote for him

  10. Mainetarr said,

    I would be Fluffy Green…purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Meow.

  11. Mainetarr said,

    Good thing my cat’s name wasn’t Dix. Dix Green, sounds like a venereal disease. πŸ™‚

  12. LaFlamme said,

    Ah, so far Max Cram and Pussywillow Dogwood are looking pretty good. Although, Dogwood? Looks like this film might be heading down an ugly road.

  13. Bobbie said,

    How about KittenCat Pine? Or Tigger Catalpa?

  14. LaFlamme said,

    Ha! Kitten Cat Pine will work. I just heard from a Raven Ballard.

  15. Asshat said,

    Me thinks Pussywillow Dogwood is full of shit.

  16. LaFlamme said,

    Asshat would be a good porn name, now that I think of it.

  17. K2 said,

    Asshat, you think I’m making that up? Well, I ain’t. It’s the honest truth.

    I too think Asshat makes a good porn name — gay porn, that is.

  18. K2 said,

    And whatever happened to our resident porn star, Bulldog?!?

  19. LaFlamme said,

    We really don’t know where Bulldog is at. Word is, she got a fat contract for a film to be set in downtown Lewiston. Our lovely and talented Bulldog will play a hooker with a heart of gold who befriends a drunk on a suicidal bender. The working title is Leaving Lewiston in the Wetspot, or whatever title you more clever people come up with.

  20. jarheaddoc said,

    Why not just stick with a favortie subject? All it takes is one little touch of the space bar on the key board and I am ASSSSTRO GLIIIDE!

  21. jarheaddoc said,

    Add in a couple of dead dogs that were removed simply because they were in the way and you have the plot for your next book, Mark. Not that it hasn’t already been done to death….

  22. LaFlamme said,

    No animals were harmed during the filming of this porn flick.

  23. K2 said,

    Then it obvioulsy wasn’t ‘Barnyard Frenzy.’ PETA’s still pissed over that one. That poor, poor chicken.

    Elizabeth Shue. *sigh*

  24. jarheaddoc said,

    Howabout you take your favorite alien race from Star Trek and the name of a planet? You heard it hear first: Klingon Uranus

  25. Linda said,

    Well if it’s a horror flick and you need some rural scenes (as of course you would), please consider Gilead. I just drove through this afternoon. Sincerely sorry if any of you love the place and feel offended, but … pretty fuckin’ bleak.

    On the other hand, I also drove past some idyllic spots, a wonderful rural road between Shelburne NH and Bethel. I could imagine some great scenes iin one of the many cemeteries at midnight (you’d probably need expensive lights to film that though) and possibly some innocent-seeming but portentous scenes in one of the glades along quiet country streams. As long as nobody minds a few black flies and poison ivy.

    I should take more days off, get out more, you know what i mean? Maybe country life would agree with me after all…

  26. Asshat said,

    I heard Bulldog was doing a porn film at the local retirement home. It’s called Jurassic Pork.

  27. Asshat said,

    Then there’s always the nerd movie…Star Whores, May the Foreskin Be with You

  28. K2 said,

    Luke, who’s your daddy? *spank!*

  29. K2 said,

    Han (Job) Solo?

    Chewycocka?

  30. LaFlamme said,

    Now I’m stuck on the “what porn movie Bulldog is starring in” theme.

    Right now, she plays the eldest sister in a family full of perverts: “The Brady Munch.”

    (I suck at this)

  31. LaFlamme said,

    I hear she’s doing a bunch of public service porn films to promote good hygiene.
    “Bulldog Goes to the Dentist for a Filling and a Drilling.”

  32. LaFlamme said,

    I hear she’s playing a former white supremist radical trying to change her ways: “American Generation XXX”

  33. AO said,

    Have you run out of ideas? You were on a roll.

  34. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. Like I said: I suck at this.

  35. Mainetarr said,

    Was she is that show on HBO, Ally McFeel? How about this…An Officer and A Genitalman? No wait, I’ve got it…..Dude, Where’s My Dildo?

  36. Asshat said,

    Diddler on the Roof
    Everybody Does Raymond

  37. Asshat said,

    Forrest Hump
    The Rocky Porno Video Show
    The Sperminator
    Interview With A Vibrator

  38. Thiafood Teena said,

    Some of my favorites:

    In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon
    Close Encounters of the Sperm Kind
    The Texas Dildo Massacre
    The Porn Birds

  39. Linda said,

    What, nobody at their computers? Everyone actually out doing something?

    I spent a lot of money today on a very small bag of stuff (no, it was animal, as opposed to vegetable or mineral) plus a medium sized box of assorted potables. Got out of my own county. Saw my sisters. Saw sunshine, shady roads, kamikaze rabbits, lots of cool stuff. Had breakfast for lunch in a cafe with toy bears draped across the rafters. Walked a little while on the Appalachian Trail. Bought gas ten cents cheaper than at home.

    For a while I had “white line fever” and could have driven all day, on and on down the highway. I broke the spell and came home. Whew, close call.

  40. Linda said,

    Oh there you all are! Hello! My server is constipated I guess. Or yours. Whatever.

  41. Linda said,

    Good grief, what have you lot been up to today???

  42. LaFlamme said,

    Temple of Poon! My good gawd, what an image that paints.

  43. Mainetarr (the Italian) said,

    My favorites are:

    The Sopornos
    The Rodfather

  44. Mainetarr said,

    Butch Lesbian and the Lapdance Kid

    I have to stop, I am laughing so hard I am crying….Jaysus. Glad to hear you got out and about today Linda, it is a good day for it. Beautiful weather!! My trees should be blooming any day now.

  45. Mainetarr said,

    Where the hell is Weasel? He would be posting links all over the place if he were online. AO is celebrating her daughters birthday, so she’s not around either.

  46. LaFlamme said,

    Perhaps Weasel is starring in a blue movie of his own. “Plop Goes the Weasel,” or something.

  47. Linda said,

    You know, sometimes I wonder if there are only 4 of you out there. That everyone besides me is playing all the other parts.

    It’s just a theory. I’ve never met any of you after all. Once AO did a little list of “who’s who” (and who else) but I was too new to take it in.

  48. Linda said,

    Mark, you had been doing pretty well but re # 46, maybe you do suck at it after all πŸ™‚

  49. LaFlamme said,

    I *sniff* appreciate your *snuffle* candor.

  50. Linda said,

    Hey, don’t get your knickers in a twist over my opinion!!

  51. LaFlamme said,

    “Twisted Knickers,” a porn flick out of Great Britain starring, what’s his name. That real pale guy all you girls tend to like. Huge Grant?

  52. Linda said,

    Yes that’s much better. Except for the “all you girls” part. Can you actually get away with talking like that to women in person, or do you only do it when you’re safely hiding away in cyberland?

  53. Asshat said,

  54. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, did you notice that Ron Jeremy is peering from the corner of that page? The guy is totally ubiquitous in the porn world.

  55. LaFlamme said,

    It has come to my attention that, in accordance with our porn name generation formula, our beloved Randy Whitehouse should be referred to as “Beauty Forest.” Which sounds a lot like a candle scent.

  56. Linda said,

    Randy probably needed distraction to get thru this ninth inning

  57. LaFlamme said,

    Naw, that was nothing for Mr. Icewater in the Circulatory System Whitehouse.

  58. Linda said,

    Well I was scared but it turned out all right.

    BTW how’s the other Randy? Or I guess I have it tangled up, Whitehouse is the other, isn’t he? well you know what i mean

  59. LaFlamme said,

    He’s well. Hyper and hungry, as always. The freak.

  60. Mainetarr said,

    Randy Whitehouse – Hulking and Surly Sportswriter, played the starring role in Saturday Night Beaver

    Randy Baril, aka, Randyman, he starred in the popular flick The Sexorcist.

    And where’s It’s A Chunderful Life been hiding?

  61. LaFlamme said,

    Excellent. And you know? Where HAS Chunder been? That hermaphrodite.

  62. LaFlamme said,

    Of course, you know me. I like even my porn with a horror element. Like John Carpenter’s “The Scrog” or “The Amityville Whore.”

  63. Asshat said,

    Jarhead – Saving Ryan’s Privates
    Brenda- Pocahontass
    AO- Sleeping Booty
    Treehugger- Snatch Adams
    Gil-The Jizz SInger
    K2-Will He Bonk Ya In The Chocolate Factory
    Flamer – Interview With a Vibrator
    Mainetarr – The Bone Erector
    Bobbie – All Quiet on the Breasts In Front
    Bulldog – Miss Cunnilingiality
    Catsinjammies – My Bare Lady
    Weasel – Sex Trex: The Next Penetration
    Richie – Throbbin Hood
    Robert – Porn On The Fourth of July
    Martha – Position:Impossible
    Blumpkin – Rambone
    Herb – Honey, I Shanked The Kids
    Chunder – Mad Max : Beyond Chunderbone
    Linda – Bonfire of the Panties

  64. Asshat said,

    Dan:
    White Men Can’t Hump
    Presumed Impotent
    Edward Penishands
    Schlinder’s Fist
    Free My Willy
    Pump Friction
    ET: Extra Testicle

  65. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, I think Asshat wins the award here tonight. The award being the coveted Golden Dildo. Very nice.

  66. Gil said,

    Asshat
    Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
    Pump Fiction
    Drill Bill
    School of Cock
    Dodge (my) Balls
    Hedwig and the Angry Inch (not really a play on words, just a funny title)

  67. K2 said,

    Excellent work, my fellow sickos.

    And now back to Stink Star Search. . . .

  68. brenda said,

    HA!!!!

    coming from divorced / split family, I have choices:

    Amy Kearsarge,
    Pandemonium Mount Vernon, aka:
    Pandy & Pepper Mount Vernon

    well, I didn’t name those dogs.
    I named my first cats though,
    Shakespearean fairy names: Titania & Queen Mab,
    and we lived on Evans St-
    Queen Mab Evans?
    or Tit*ania Evans …….
    !!!!?????!!!!???!!!!
    that’s so wrong, she was a beautiful cat, saved my life when she woke me up because the house was filling with smoke……

  69. Perry Noyd said,

    you know how they warn kids not to give out personal info on the internet? so giving your first pet’s names, and the street name where you grew up- could help a PI investigation, or some pervert stalker? Or someone trying to find out the secret passwords, & security questions for your accounts????
    Next blog: use your middle name & your mother’s maiden name to make a funny limerick, yeah, that’s a good idea! and be sure to use the school you went to in the limerick!

  70. LaFlamme said,

    Wow. The Godfather of Paranoia is among us. I guess, I shouldn’t reveal that I’m Andrew Bridges, from Brookside in accordance with Noyd’s formula. If you can track me down with that info, I deserve to be stalked. Then again, I believe I’ve posted my actual address in here a time or two.

  71. Mainetarr said,

    I am Elaine Roy from Edward Little. Freaky.

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