To serve man

May 8, 2006 at 11:10 pm (Uncategorized)

So, you're reading about a pair of miners trapped a mile below ground with the corpse of a dead friend growing stinkier by the minute. You want to imagine the sights, sounds and smells of such an ordeal, but the images won't come. The imagination, lacking data to conjure such horrors, reaches a limit and then only skips like a needle on a scratched record. Your brain doesn't want you down there in the dark. It is wired to keep you in the relative safety of the lit up world above ground.

cannibal.JPGStill, though. It's human nature to try forcing the fantasy. Three men, one of them dead, stuck in a cage in the consummate darkness of the subterranean world. The claustrophobia must be unreal. The panic must be something you can smell. Were it not for the sounds of labored breath, pounding hearts and high, frightened voices, it would be a perfect exercise in sensory deprivation. What those boys in Australia endured for a week is something just short of premature burial.

But I won't wax poetic about that beautiful, terrifying concept. And as it turns out, the survivors did get their hands on orts of food sent down from above. But still, I want to pose this question to you, my deep thinking friends. Do you suppose, had that food not been available to them, that those surviving men would have eaten their dead comrade? More importantly, would you?

History is filled with incidents of cannibalism born out of desperation. The Donner party during the westward expansion. The soccer team scattered across a snowy mountain side after a plane wreck. Truly desperate is the man who peels a chunk of flesh from a peer and fills his stomach with the meat. There are those who believe that a man who eats the flesh of another will be cursed for life. But tell that to the dying man whose life or death relies on that morsel of mortal meat. Tell that to the miner trapped in a place very close to hell whose only meal is a man he once played cards with on Saturday nights.

hannibal.jpgI wonder if you can imagine enough of such a scenario to make an educated guess. Would you do it? Could you do it? I have a creeping suspicion that each of us would and could, if it came to that. And I care for you bloggers a great deal. I want you to know that, should some great tragedy befall us as a group, and if some of us are left alive while others have succumbed, in order that at least a few of us survive, you are welcome to eat my wife.



  1. Mr Angry said,

    I think history shows again and again that so-called “civilised” people will resort to cannibalism without too much prodding. Although it isn’t universal – I’m not absolutely sure but I think I remember reading that some survivors of that soccer plane crash refused to eat the bodies. So they died. And ended up being eaten.

    And to nitpick, I don’t think the australian miners had the smell of a dead body to deal with. I think he was some distance away from them when he was crushed by the rockfall. I’m not absolutely sure but I think his body was found a day or two before the survivors were located.

    Besides, whether or not you would eat a dead body is not the real conundrum. Would you kill a living person so you could eat them to save your own life?

  2. Linda said,

    The thought of being trapped half a mile underground for two weeks is the ultimate in creepy, to me. I can’t think past that. Seven miles up in a plane — no problem. Underground, in the dark, confined in a cage — nightmare.

    Kind of you to offer your wife, though. Does she actually travel with you willingly?

  3. Ora lingual said,

    blechchh ptui!
    hack, hack, cough, spit….
    no thanks-
    again, I say, if it’s about eatin people, it’s better if it’s rated XXX

  4. LaFlamme said,

    Rated X? For cannibalism? I made no mention of eating genitalia specifically, but now that you mention it, there’s got to be a joke there. If you’ll give me a minute or two…

  5. LaFlamme said,

    And Mr. Angry, that does present a bigger problem, huh? Is it okay to kill the old and dying to ensure the survival of the younger of the tribe? There are all sorts of taboo elements around the matter of cannibalism. David Morrell wrote a grim novel called “The Totem” in which a man is confronted with the choice of eating his dead daughter or dying alongside her. Naaaaaaasty.

  6. Linda said,

    And what did he decide? Somehow I don’t think it’s okay.

  7. LaFlamme said,

    Well, I can’t tell you that. You might want to rush out and buy the book someday.
    Actually, I don’t remember it played out. The book wasn’t as salacious as it sounds. It’s a rather provocative look at the moral implications of what this guy had to do to survive. He and his daughter ate the wife after she died. Then the daughter succumbed and… well, a man’s gotta eat.
    Dammit, now I’m hungry.

  8. Linda said,

    And now I’m not!! Goodnight.

  9. Mainetarr said,

    We should crate Dan and ship his fat ass to a starving nation. They could put him on a spit and feed everybody there, for a month!!

  10. Martha said,

    Yike, MT.. wouldn’t that constitute abuse.. for the people being fed that is?

  11. Gil said,

    We ran out of sandwich meat last weekend and faced with the bleak choices of having to die of starvation (I hadn’t eaten in hours!!), or actually having to get dressed to go to the store, we chose the easier route, and ate the youngest.
    We have also been known to devour the pizza delivery guy to avoid tipping.
    But other than that I would have to say that it is barbaric and only under extreme circumstances (like the aforementioned snacks and tipping), one should steer clear of cannibalism.

  12. "The Weasel" said,

    Treehugger likes to eat women………..

  13. K2 said,

    Hey, those were Rugby players in the Andes, thus the bumber sticker, ‘Rugby Players Eat Their Dead.’

    Mo’ Nature has gone out of her way to let us know that cannibalism ain’t cool — it’s called Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease in humans. You know it as Mad Cow disease, which cows get from eating feed that has ground up — you guessed it — cows in it.

    This is a concern for people who received human growth hormone in the last few decades, which is derived from deceased humans’ pituitary glands. And for Gil — that pizza-delivery-guy-eatin’ freak.

    Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease is caused by prions, which cannot be ‘cooked out’ like E. coli or Salmonella by reaching 160 F. I like my people medium rare anyway.

    Of course, what did the one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

    ‘Gee, we do taste like chicken.’

  14. AO said,

    I’m happy to report that, after reading the subject of this blog that, I have no appetite. My husband once rented the movie, Alive. When he brought it home, I asked him if he had any idea what the movie was about. He said yes, no big deal, he could handle it. This from a man whose afraid of most bugs. Well, we got five minutes into the movie and he had to turn it off. Thank God!

  15. Ora lingual said,


    did you ever notice, a movie with eating people that is cannibalism is rated R but a movie about eating people, that is not cannibalism, just sex, is X? And how come you can take kids to see an R rated movie , but not an X?
    What’s worse ?
    ps, I’m not suggesting taking kids to any X movie, but sex is healthier than cannibalism.

    ps:ps: K2’s right

  16. brenda said,

    When my daughter was a teenager, she put brought home a video for her 10 year old brother to watch, called “The People Under the Stairs”—
    I kept objecting to it’s violence and abusiveness, but she insisted that it would have a good end & was good for a kid to watch. When they started eating the man in the basement, it was too much for me, I finally turned off the video and told her that was NOT allowed in our house. I was sick the rest of the day, physically, emotionally, psychically, everyway a person can feel sick.
    Why am I the one supposedly not normal? We should all be sick about child abuse, violence & torture & murder. Movies are fantasy but how is that entertaining? Very disturbing society we live in…..

  17. save your soul! said,

    go to church:
    eat the flesh & drink the blood
    of the ONE WHO SAVES your lost SOULS!!!
    think about it

    (ever think about this?)

    Seventh Day Adventists don’t eat meat, except,
    symbolically, when they take communion, isn’t that
    symbolically human flesh????
    maybe you shouldn’t THINK about it?

  18. Linda said,

    You might make the case for “survival cannibalism” — Mark put the question out there for us. But what about the wacko in Germany who advertised on the internet for someone to be killed and eaten? (Doesn’t the internet seem stranger every day?) I just heard a little while ago that he had a re-trial (Moussaoui should be so lucky) and he got 15 years in prison. They may have said there’s no specific law against cannibalism, I didn’t pick up the whole story.

  19. Bobbie said,

    The guy in Germany wanted to eat someone, so he found someone on the internet who wanted to be eaten. They started with the guy’s penis, found that it was too tough to eat raw, so they cooked it. They found that it was still a bit tough, but they managed to get it down. The guy who wanted to be eaten finally bled to death and that’s when the other guy started having him for lunch.

    The guy that wanted to be eaten even made a statement on tape that he was doing this willing. I guess it takes all types to fulfill a fetish, huh?

  20. Mainetarr said,

    Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

    The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

    The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

    1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

    The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

    The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

  21. LaFlamme said,

    Survival cannibalism is the soup of the day. But does anybody remember the movie “Motel Hell” and what those people were doing with human flesh? Makes you want to go out for some sausage, doesn’t it? And there have been authentic cases of human flesh getting mixed in with industrial meats. I mean, haven’t you ever picked an eyelash out of your Vienna sausage?

  22. Asshat said,

    as i was sitting eating chicken for dinner, i wondered: if we cooked and ate humans, what parts would we eat? (compared to what parts of a chicken we eat) i mean, could we eat legs like we eat chicken legs? would there be too much fat? is it just the muscles of chickens/humans that is eaten? how do chicken and human insides compare?
    your thoughts please

  23. LaFlamme said,

    Well, look at the parts of the body that get worked the most. The buttocks would be very tender because they’re in constant motion. Same with the thighs, I imagine. Back meat consists of long slabs of flesh and would be good for things like roasts. I think the lips, fingers, feet, ears and nose would be ground up for manburg.

  24. Bulldog said,

    If I want to lose more weight, all I have to do is read this blog. You wouldn’t have to wire my jaw shut if I had to choose eating a dead person or not… although, if there was whipped cream and chocolate sauce around, I may embibe a little….

  25. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, that’s not the real bulldog. Faking faker.

  26. K2 said,

    No mention of the movie ‘Eating Raoul?’ Or Hanibal Lector’s ‘I’m having a friend for lunch.’?

    Some chicken anatomy for Asshat (hey, I wasn’t a teacher’s assistant in Comparative Vertebrate Analysis for nothing) — when you’re eating a chicken breast, there’s three muscles: the largest, outer one is pectoralis major; the middle ‘tender’ is supracoracoidius; and the little one right by the keel is corocobrachialis pars caudalis. Excuse my spelling, of course.

    Speaking of chicken, time to drop my wings in the fryer. . . .

  27. LaFlamme said,

    Holy shit, I forgot about Eating Raoul. Classic black comedy.

  28. Bulldog said,

    Yo Flamer! It’s me you moron. Just because I haven’t been around doesn’t mean I’m not (or something like that).

    Why don’t you go fuck yourself or something. (does this prove it’s me yet or do I need to send you a nasty email to prove it)

  29. LaFlamme said,

    No, no. I think that about proves it. *sniff* I’ve missed the Bulldogius abuse so.

  30. Bulldog said,

    yea, I’ve missed abusing you too. But, alas, you lie. You abused me in the “doggy style” blog. For some reason, that title caught my eye ;o) Good thing I already went to pee because my pants would be wet right now. (there I go again, talking about wet pants)

  31. Linda said,

    Hi Bulldog.

    Sure, Eating Raoul. Good one.

    This reminds me of the time my boss said, who wants to tour the freezing works? and since everyone else was keen, I went too. Not knowing that the freezing works was the plant where they slaughtered and packed sheep export.

    What a god-awful experience. Huge men in white gumboots with knives like scimitars. The carcasses clanking along the chain. Anyone know what the hal-el cut is? Yikes. I was completely vegetarian for about two years after that junket.

  32. Bulldog said,

    Yup, my appetite is disappearing very quickly. Thank you.

  33. LaFlamme said,

    Oh, Bulldog. You’ve eaten your share of human flesh.

  34. Bulldog said,

    Yea, but do I swallow? That’s the key question here, isn’t it.

  35. LaFlamme said,

    Ha! Yeah, okay. That’s Bulldog. No need for fingerprinting.

  36. Linda said,

    No problem, Bulldog. I keep all my unpleasant experiences neatly catalogued, for times like this when it feels like fun to share them.

  37. Asshat said,

    Bulldog!! I have missed you so!! Where have you been?????

  38. Mainetarr said,

    Bulldog!! I have missed you so!! Where have you been????? Me love you loooonnnngggg time!!

  39. Bulldog said,

    I knew THAT comment would get rid of ANY questions as to whether or not I am the REAL Bulldogious.

    And Linda, thanks for sharing… I think.

    Talk to you’s later. must run… literally.

  40. Bulldog said,

    Yea, I’ve missed you too MT. We’ll catch up soon- I promise. gotta run. myuh! hugs and kisses to y’all

  41. Gil said,

    Two cannibals are eating a clown
    One turns to the other and says
    “Does this taste funny to you?”

  42. Linda said,

    Hi Gil, how’s New Hampshire? is that where you are?

  43. K2 said,

    Speaking of man meat, just the other day I saw that they now sell Trojan Magnum XL condoms. Cripes, how many guys will be wearing these loose-fitting Glad bags ’cause they were too embarrassed at the counter to buy the old-fashion regular Trojans? And like the Magnums weren’t big enough, so they had to up ’em to Magnum XL? What’s next: Trojan Horse Cock?!? Now with an ocean tip? (As opposed to ‘resevoir.’ Anyone?)

    And Bulldog, you gutter-mouthed slut — I missed you!

  44. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. You notice they don’t have any from the opposite end of the spectrum. Who would buy Trojan Wees: For the Hamster Sized Male.

  45. K2 said,

    Good one, Gil.

    And how about Cheney criticizing Putin for squelching democracy on Thursday, and then on Friday going to Kazakhstan and calling Nursultan Nazarbayev — a guy even worse than Putin; he was reelected in December with 91% (!!!) of the vote — his “friend”? Now there’s no contradiction in foreign policy there. . . .

  46. AO said,

    From my distant past, I can recall a few guys who probably bought the Trojan Wees.

  47. K2 said,

    Trojan Petite — with the thimble tip.

  48. K2 said,

    I’ve said it before: condoms are one big cover up.

    True story: at RIT one year, some AIDS awarness group gave away free condoms to students. Problem was — and this is the truth — they had stapled a small AIDS fact sheet to each condom. Talk about a couple of pricks. . . .

    And has anyone ever had their condom spontaneoulsy combust, presumably from friction and velocity? Well, it happened to me once. The damn thing just disappeared. We looked all over for it, but it was a goner.

  49. K2 said,

    Although, Gil, here’s the alternative:

    Tell me she doesn’t have crazy eyes.

  50. LaFlamme said,

    That woman looks like a cool hand is creeping up toward her nether regions.

  51. K2 said,

    Yeah, welcome to the Democratic leadership. *gulp*

    And how ’bout Ted Kennedy giving his son driving lessons? Why is disgrace not disgraceful anymore?!?

  52. Linda said,

    K2, that’s so true. Seems like anything can be shovelled over.

  53. AO said,

    It’s only because of the name…”Kennedy”. They get away with anything. But, it’s always fun to read about them in the paper.

  54. LaFlamme said,

    I’ll bet if you ate Ted Kennedy, you’d get drunk.

  55. K2 said,

    Although, on the other side of the isle, when Bush was recently asked, on a conservative German radio program, what his most memorable moment as president was, he responded, “Catching a 7-and-a-half-pound bass on my ranch.” Sure, he was kidding — I hope –, but still, is he disengaged or what? Kinda like when he was asked what mistake he regretted most a couple years back, and he said he couldn’t think of any. Of course, he hasn’t held a prime time press conference since.

    We need to douche our whole fucking government if we’re gonna get America back on track. As Neil Young sings on his new album, I’m “Lookin’ for a Leader.”

  56. LaFlamme said,

    I’ll bet if you ate George W., you’d no longer be able to pronounce “nuclear.”

  57. K2 said,

    A good line: I’m sweating like a drunk chick at a Kennedy party.


    I’m sweating like a homo eating a hot dog.


    I’m sweating like Mike Tyson in a spelling bee.

  58. LaFlamme said,

    I’ll bet if you ate Mike Tyson you’d…. I got nuthin.

  59. AO said,

    Well, Mike Tyson HAS been known to eat ears.

  60. Linda said,

    I bet if you ate Joe Torre tonight, you’d get a big case of indigestion.

  61. LaFlamme said,

    If you ate Randy Johnson well… that would just take a loooooong time. And I’ll bet he even tastes ugly.

  62. LaFlamme said,

    If you ate Jason Giambi, it would taste like Italian food.

  63. jarheaddoc said,

    K2, those blow up dolls are not designed to be used without lubrication. Maybe if your partner of the time had had a pulse, you might have had more luck finding the lost item. Or did you lie to her, too, and tell her you had it on?

  64. jarheaddoc said,

    Stephen King wrote a story about a guy trapped on a desert island and he had to consume himself. The interesting part is that it was written first person, like a diary. Cannibalism is right up there with incest: taboo. The people K2 mentioned earlier consume the bodies of their ancestors so that the dead will live within them forever, and their culture prohibits ever mentioning a dead person. Here’s a good reference about cannibalism and religion: Towing Jehovah. Anyone read that?

  65. LaFlamme said,

    Christ, that SK story is great. It’s called Survivor Type. It’s based on the question: how much shock trauma can a person endure? The answer: It depends on his will to survive. So this island bound surgeon/heroin dealer slowly hacks off pieces of himself to sustain him. Friggin’ brilliant.

  66. "The Weasel" said,

    Who knew Mainetarr was into nature…..

  67. impinabq said,

    the survival instinct in humans is strong.

  68. LaFlamme said,


  69. Richie said,

  70. LaFlamme said,

    Awww, that just shows the main page. Tasty stuff in orgrish, though. Always.

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