Home, James

May 10, 2006 at 12:23 am (Uncategorized)


So, I’m driving down Bates Street when a long, white car pulls to a stop and blocks an intersection in front of me. This was a leviathan of a car, the length of two city blocks, at least. A limo. And as it pulled to the curb, out jumped the back seat passenger. He was wearing shorts, sneakers and a baseball cap. A Red Sox cap, I think. The man somewhat sprinted from the limo and disappeared between two buildings, but I got a good look at him. It wasn’t David Ortiz or Curt Schilling, I’m pretty sure. I was particularly convinced of this when I spotted a cigarette butt dangling from the man’s lips. I mean, Schilling doesn’t smoke. He just bleeds a lot.
So, as I wheeled around the long, white car with the tinted windows, it occurred to me. Limos are not just for rock stars and prom dates these days. People employ them like cabs, riding with class to make beer runs. They order up a driver to take them to softball games. I imagine there are those who rent a limo just to take them from club to club. For, few pickup lines work more efficiently than: “So, you wanna go back to my place? My driver is right outside.”
My curiosity about this new trend piqued, I decided to rent a limo for myself and see what the allure is. But the newspaper wouldn’t pay for it and all my wealth is tied up in stock (hint to investors: think Play-Do). So I jumped in my equally prestigious 1990 Stanza to drive around and think about this limo craze.
Back in the day, it was an event to see one of these behemoths rolling through downtown streets. Other drivers would stop watch the big car go by, nudging their children in the back seat. “You see that, kids? If you stay in school and work real hard, you might someday get a job washing nice cars like that.”
And when a limo swept passed, it was perfectly irresistible to try guessing who might be inside. A beautiful actress and her entourage? A visiting ambassador on his way to a high powered meeting? Former Vice-President Al Gore, come to pick up a downed electrical wire? The by-God president himself?
Me, I always just assume it’s Bruce Springsteen. It saves me from the guess work and makes for an easy howl of admiration. “Bruuuuuuuuuce! Hey, Bruuuuuuuce! Sing “Born to Run!”
But of course, no one ever answers those howls and the mystery of the limo remains hidden behind dark windows. You can only imagine who is back there, sipping champagne, conducting million dollar deals, or playing Gameboy.
My only experience in a limo was years ago when a buddy of mine got a job driving them from shop to shop as they were readied for the next assignment. That was his only job, driving them empty across town. But that didn’t stop him from telling girls in bars that he was a limo driver, and that because of the sensitive nature of the work, he really couldn’t discuss the various people he drove around.
So, one night this delusional buddy sneaked one of the limos out of the garage and invited us to take it for a spin. A bunch of us climbed into the back with our stash of beer (Schaefer’s was really cheap back then. It’s the one to have when you’re having more than one.)
Oh, the joys of rolling through the streets and teasing people from the back seat of this glorious rig. A friend of mine who looked quite a lot like Kurt Cameron (a former actor who hasn’t been seen since the late 1980’s) would unroll the window just enough to display the top of his head and his eyebrows. This would send clusters of people into unrestrained screeching as they imagined they had glimpsed one megastar or another.
Me, I enjoyed the ride through town most of all. Because while my other vainglorious friends were taunting downtown people, I was stealing their Schaefer’s and playing with window between the back seats and the driver.
Okay. To recap, Schaefer’s is good and cheap. Ortiz and Schilling never come to Lewiston. And everyone except me is riding around in limos these days. Young ladies hail drivers to go shop at the mall. Bottle collectors ride in style as they travel to stores to cash in their returnables. City leaders impress the hell out of visitors by giving them tours of Lewiston in the back of a long car.
“And if you’ll look out the right side of the car, you’ll see the tenement where we found and destroyed the very last crack rock in the city.”
So, ride away, rich people. Just know this: as long as you keep your windows down and those windows are dark, I’ll just take it for granted that you’re somebody else.
“Bruuuuuce! Play “Born in the USA! Bruuuuuuuuce! Come back here, ya friggin snob!”


  1. Martha said,

    “And everyone except me is riding around in limos these days.”

    Guess I must be a nobody then… I’ve never been in one..

    BTW.. It is … rolled past… not rolled passed.

    Sorry.. couldn’t resist…

  2. Martha said,

    Hey,,, you forgot your pinky!!!! 🙂

  3. LaFlamme said,

    Martha! Way to sneak in when I’m on my way out. You want to go for a ride in the limo I just swiped? I don’t have any bubbly, but we could shake up some beer.

  4. Martha said,

    LOL… that might be fun.. you coming to PA to pick me up?

  5. Martha said,

    Oh.. and make it a wine cooler for me.

  6. LaFlamme said,

    Sure. I know my way around Mansfield and I’ve been to Philly a few times. With my navigational skills, I should be there in just under a month.

  7. Martha said,

    LOL… can’t find your way out of a wet paper bag.. even with a road map, huh?

  8. Linda said,

    When you swipe a limo, you need a partner in crime to drive. What’s the point of having a limo if you have to drive it yourself? and anyhow, don’t they have GPS?

  9. Amy said,

    It’s Kirk Cameron, not Kurt! And I got to wondering what had happened to him after you mentioned him, Googled him, and found out he’s now an Evangelical Christian preacher-type. Yikes!

  10. K2 said,

    I dunno, I think this limo story is a bit of a stretch. I’m just sick of getting taken for a ride.

  11. Linda said,

    It’s driving us all crazy, K2

  12. Richie said,

    The only time I ever got to ride in a limo was when my daughter got married.

    Back in the last century, when I was in High School, kids didn’t hire limos or anything like that. The lucky ones drove their own cars (’66 GTO- yummmm !), or drove their parents car (1964 Chevy Biscayne station wagon – hey, it’s a car), or worst of all their parents drove them (whew ! I dodged THAT one !).

    BTW; today is the 66th anniversary of the German Invasion of France.
    (Question: Why are all the roads in France tree-lined ?
    Answer: The Germans hate to march in the sun.)

    Today is also Confederate Memorial Day (actually celebrated on several different days throughout the South. We WILL rise again.) so Hurrah for the Bonnie Blue Flag.
    My hero is John Singleton Mosby.

    Lastly, today is also Mothers Day in Mexico.

  13. Bobbie said,

    It’s snowing here this morning. Anyone want some? Free shipping today only.

  14. Robert said,

    I say lets all chip in for the cost of the limo and rent one for a blog party…every gets picked up, we all migle for an hour in the back and then maybe Mac’s for steaks, followed by a long ride to nowhere (Minot?).

    Mark, you’re a crime reporter, why not do research to find out how many people in criminal activities might be using limo’s..perhaps then the paper would see its errors and pay the cost of a demo ride….

  15. LaFlamme said,

    You know? Now that you mention it, when I was digging into the double homicide late last year, I came across a limousine angle. One person suggested the two victims were doing “favors” for some out of state gang and that they were enticed into a limo to talk about it. I chased that tail for a week or so and decided there was nothing to it. With that in mind, it’s ironic that one of the accused killers is said to have become enraged when one of the victims spilled beer, not in a limo, but in a pickup truck.

  16. K2 said,

    That’s why you should never drink and drive — you could hit a bump and spill your drink. Talk about alcohol abuse. . . .

    Maybe it was a Guinness and it stained the seat? White vinegar for those tough stains, people.

  17. LaFlamme said,

    If sex on an airline is the mile high club, what’s sex in a limousine?

  18. K2 said,

    Sticky, very, very sticky.

  19. AO said,

    The mile long club.

  20. DJ said,

    Hey. I just hope that you guys can help me. This person kind of pissed me off, seeing as how I’m doing something out of my own time for a class that I have and he was sitting there and telling me just what to put on it, music wise. The solution? I’m asking you guys for help.

    I want the gayest (in all meanings of the term), most anger-inducing song ever. Have a field day, as long as it’s not totally crude or disgusting. The winner will get something from me. I don’t know what, yet, but it’ll be -something-. :O

  21. LaFlamme said,

    Oh, I like the sound of this.

  22. LaFlamme said,

    For starters, I gotta suggest “Achy Breaky Heart.” Sickeningly sweet, utterly inane and with a beat that makes you want to jam drill bits into your ears.

  23. LaFlamme said,

    “We Are Family” could cause brain lesions.

  24. LaFlamme said,

    “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” is illegal in some states due to the suicidal, homicidal, dogicidal feelings it evokes.

  25. Bobbie said,

    I told DJ that your first suggestion was the song that his cousin Shane loved to sing and dance to, he replied, “Achy Breaky Heart?” and started laughing. So far, he says that you’re doing good. He curled his nose up at my suggestion of “Short People”. Some people don’t know a gay song when they hear it.

  26. Bobbie said,

    Anyone ever heard of a song about a left handed, albino, lesbian midget?

  27. LaFlamme said,

    Why, no. What song is that?

  28. Anonymous said,

    I’ve always particularly hated “SuSu Sudio.”

  29. Bobbie said,

    If you’re going to look for the song online, the correct words are a left handed, eskimo, albino, lesbian midget who likes to lower live children into manholes. The song is definitely different and probably something that Gil may have posted if I hadn’t done it first.

  30. Bobbie said,

    Come on, Linda, we’re all friends in here and you can use your real name!

  31. Bobbie said,

    Trust me, the albino lesbian eskimo song will have you shaking your head after a few minutes. He thinks it’s funny, I think it fits the category very well.

  32. Linda said,

    Nice try Bobbie but it’s not me — I just got home from work, patted the dog, said hello to my husband (fruitlessly ’cause he’s asleep), checked the score, and sat down to catch up with you all.

    Tho it’s true I hate that song too.

    So, wha’sup? Do we have a road trip on? How many bloggers can we fit into a stretch limo??

  33. Linda said,

    Bulldog, WTF, you made a cameo appearance yesterday and now nothing?? Think of your public, do us a favour and tell us what’s goin’ on with you?

  34. Bobbie said,

    When we have an anonymous post, you usually admit that you’re the one responsible for it, so I just thought I’d save you the hassle tonight!

  35. Bobbie said,

    And yes, Bulldog is a tease in the first degree!

  36. Linda said,

    Mark, what’s that you’re drinking in the photo above? Looks like straight.vodka, what kind of drink is that for a crime reporter?.

    Get those photoshop lessons, mate, nobody’s buying it.

  37. Bobbie said,

    I’ve made the suggestion that we all chip in for a tutorial on photoshop for him, but so far, no takers.

  38. Linda said,

    I know, Bobbie, it was a reasonable assumption. In this case I actually posted a comment before ripping into my temp files. Funny, I can let old newspapers pile up for a month but if i have more than 7 cookies, I’m a crazy woman until I get them OFF MY COMPUTER. Am I paranoid? OCD? Not busy enough with constructive things to do? Its a mystery.

  39. Linda said,

    The man could read an on-line tutorial if he cared about us at all, and it wouldn’t cost us a cent.

  40. Bobbie said,

    We all have our crosses to bear, Linda, yours is cookies for some odd reason. Some days, I’m anal about deleting stuff and then other days, I could care less and don’t do anything about it until the program tells me that it’s been XX amount of days. Go figure, huh?

  41. Linda said,

    Excuse me while I go find my dinner. I’m sure it’s here somewhere, my husband always makes me dinner when I’m working. Back in a bit.

  42. Bobbie said,

    Not a problem. Just as long as your husband didn’t play hide the supper on the wife tonight before he fell asleep. LOL

  43. LaFlamme said,

    Tutorial? I don’t need no stinking tutorial. Randy and Corey are probably the best Photoshop artists on the planet. But me, I still prefer the oversized heads and other obvious signs of fakery.

  44. Mainetarr said,

    What about the song “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls. That’s pretty gay.

  45. K2 said,

    Bobby McFerrin is an amazing vocal talent. Sure, ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ was cloying, but the man has tons of quality stuff.

  46. "The Weasel" said,


  47. "The Weasel" said,


  48. Mainetarr said,


    Dan’s new girlfriend.

  49. Mainetarr said,

    The ultimate gay anthem is “It’s Raining Men” by the Weather Girls

  50. "The Weasel" said,


  51. Linda said,

    Damn, now i have to go get rid of my temp files again. Now I remember why I’m always doing that 🙂

  52. Bobbie said,

    The kid who was making comments about DJ’s selection of music said that he’d kill DJ if that song showed up. DJ was wondering who was going to mention it.

  53. LaFlamme said,

    Whaaaaaaaaat? Love “I Touch Myself.” It’s jamming. So to speak.

  54. LaFlamme said,

    I’d say that SCRAMBLE serves as Weasel confirmation.

  55. Linda said,

    Can I cast a vote for “Brand New Key”?

  56. LaFlamme said,

    That’s a goofy song. Who the hell did it?

  57. Bobbie said,

    Sure. DJ’s taking all suggestions.

  58. LaFlamme said,

    Gay song that I like: “Chuckie’s in Love,” by Ricki Lee Jones. Also, “Drove All Night,” by Lauper.

  59. AO said,

    Tell him to play “Elvira”. One of the grossest songs ever recorded. That ought to piss that shit of a kid off!

  60. Linda said,

    Some girl in the 70’s Melanie something. I’m sure you’ve looked it up by now.

  61. AO said,

    HEY!! I like “Chuckie’s in Love”. Ricki Lee Jones is cool.

  62. AO said,

    Melanie…was her name. No last name. Just, Melanie.

  63. Bobbie said,

    He said thanks. Right now he’s working on something for the school newspaper. He also said that he likes the suggestions and to keep them coming.

    AO, did your packages arrive safely?

  64. Linda said,

    DJ probably couldn’t stop us if he wanted to, Bobbie. Does he want any suggestions for the school newspaper too?

  65. AO said,

    OH!! Yes it did! Thanks again, Bobbie. Ya know, I STILL haven’t had time to even begin to watch any of those cd’s. I never have the tv to myself. BUT, Sunday is Mother’s Day so, I may just indulge myself. Say “hi” to DJ for me.

  66. Bobbie said,

    Did she also do Lay Down (Candles in the Rain)?

  67. LaFlamme said,

    My gawd! Elvira sends me into fits of rage just thinking about it. Especially the: “Ooom bappa oooom, bapppa mow mow mow” part. Gross.

  68. Linda said,

    I think she might have done that at Woodstock. She did something at Woodstock anyhow.

  69. LaFlamme said,

    I keep thinking of Joanie Mitchell or Joan Baez. Same genre? Anyone know the song “Seventeen” by Janice Ian? Love that song. I’m a girl.

  70. Bobbie said,

    You guys are thinking of “Elmira” by the Oak Ridge Boys, not Elvira.

  71. AO said,

    Melanie did do that “Lay Down” song. Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.

    “Seventeen” by Janice Ian…wow…I have that album. That girl knew what she was talking about.

  72. AO said,

    And, yes, Mark, you are a girl.

    Bobbie, are you sure it’s not “Elvira”? I guess it doesn’t really matter. It has to be one of the WORST friggen songs ever recorded!

  73. Linda said,

    Seventeen — great song, yes. It made me feel so shallow, for having a nice life.

  74. Bobbie said,

    I was incorrect……it’s speech that he’s typing for. I don’t think he needs any for that, but thanks for the offer.

    DJ says hi back.

    He found “It’s Raining Men” and it’s playing now.

  75. AO said,

    Yup, it’s Elvira!

    O TOP – O… – Oak Ridge Boys Lyrics – Elvira Lyrics

    Eyes that look like heaven, lips like sherry wine
    That girl can sure enough make my little light shine
    I get a funny feelin’ up and down my spine
    ‘Cause I know that my Elvira’s mine

    So I’m singin’
    Elvira, Elvira
    My heart’s on fire Elvira
    Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow
    Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow
    Heigh-ho Silver, away

    Tonight I’m gonna meet her at the Hungry House Cafe
    And I’m gonna give her all the love I can
    She’s gonna jump and holler ’cause I saved up my last two dollars
    We’re gonna search and find that preacher man

    Now I’m a singin’
    Elvira, Elvira
    My heart’s on fire Elvira
    Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow
    Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow
    Heigh-ho Silver, away

  76. LaFlamme said,

    Seventeen made me feel like a pretty, pretty girl. But I digress.

  77. Bobbie said,

    Trust me, it’s Elmira. I know my Oak Ridge Boys, especially when they sang that song in concert in Augusta back in the early ’80’s.

  78. AO said,

    Okay Bobbie, Whatever you say.

  79. AO said,

    Mark, You’re the prettiest “non girl” I’ve ever met. And, that includes Jessie. 😉

  80. Bobbie said,

    Ok, so I’m wrong tonight. What else is new? Must have been that stupid cold medicine. Can I plead temporary loss of something tonight like Patrick Kennedy did recently? “Honestly, officer, I don’t remember making that mistake tonight!” A thousand lashes with a wet noodle for me, huh? I guess I’ve been in Colorado too long! LOL

  81. LaFlamme said,

    Jessie is a fine looking he/she.

  82. Linda said,

    You all weren’t even born for Woodstock, don’t you wish you were? My boyfriend and I thought we might go, in that vague unplanned way that was so prevalent back then. We had no car of course, so we hitched as far as Boston, shacked up (how’s that for a term from the past?) in his cousin’s apartment on Huntington Ave and got stoned. That was the end of the Woodstock plan. My mother made it VERY CLEAR for the next three months that it was a really bad plan.

  83. Bobbie said,

    I fully admit that I was wrong and that AO is correct. Good enough for ya?

    Hate that friggin’ slow down cowboy stuff some days.

  84. AO said,

    Bobbie, You can plead what ever you want. No biggie. I just remember one of my cousins getting VERY drunk at my sister’s wedding, singing “Elvira” then, having no recollection of it after. Can you blame her?

    Jessie is. Saw him/her again today. Dressed as a man.

  85. Bobbie said,

    See, I don’t have that excuse tonight, but I can’t blame her for pretending not to remember something like that!

  86. AO said,

    HEY!! I was born for Woodstock!! I just…um…wasn’t old enough to go. Hell, I wasn’t even old enough to cross the flucking street by myself yet. BUT, I WAS born for Woodstock! I’m still pissed that I missed it.

  87. Linda said,

    Me too AO — but far as I can remember, it was a very rewarding weekend anyhow whatever the consequences

  88. Bobbie said,

    I too was around for Woodstock, Linda. Unfortunately, you can’t get very fair when you’re only 8 years old.

  89. AO said,

    Sounds like it. How old were you? And, did your mother know what you were up to? Sounds like something Mark would have done.

  90. LaFlamme said,

    What? Me? I have the heart of a little boy. I keep it in a jar over there ————–>

  91. AO said,

    Every once in a while, PBS (I think) plays a Woodstock documentary. If I catch it, I always watch.

  92. Bobbie said,

    You can trash the cd’s that I sent you earlier. I restarted from the beginning on the series so that you wouldn’t have to keep changing between mediums.

  93. AO said,

    My nephew went to Woodstock 2. He had great stories to tell me.

  94. AO said,

    So, are they all on the tape you sent me? Everything?

  95. Linda said,

    I was in high school. I lied about where I was going of course. My mother would never have known except that when we were hitching home, we got picked up by my aunt. Bad mojo. Still, as I say, it was totally worth it. Made me determined to go to college in the Boston area, which I did. It was a great era for drugs and “stranger sex.” Isn’t it a wonder that I hide my dark side so well now?

  96. Bobbie said,

    the first tapes has about 12 episodes on it and the last tape has the 2 hour finale on it. If they’d just make a friggin’ 10 hour tape, I could have fit everything on it at once.

  97. Bobbie said,

    I sent you 2 tapes all together. How was the package marked tha tyou received today?

  98. AO said,

    Bobbie, What do you mean by “marked”?

    Linda, Let your dark side out! Don’t cover it up!

  99. AO said,

    The tape is part 1 of 2.

  100. AO said,

    Mark, Have you gotten any email from me tonight? My server seems to be “off”. ..hours off.

  101. Bobbie said,

    Then you should be receiving the second one shortly. When I send multiple packages, I always put 1 of 2 (or more) in the lower right hand corner so that you know how many packages to expect. Something I learned the hard way sending packages overseas.

  102. AO said,

    Okay. Now I know what you’re talking about. I see the 1/2. Thanks again, Bobbie. I really can’t wait to find the….TIME to sit down and watch it. Then, I’ll pass it on to Mark.

    Gotta go to bed. Good night, all.

  103. LaFlamme said,

    Why, no AO. I haven’t got a single scrap of e-mail. Tried to send you something and it got bounced back.

  104. Bobbie said,

    Do you want the other Stephen King thing that’s coming on the 23rd of this month?

    Mark, do you want a copy as well?

  105. AO said,

    Okay, I’ve been given a break. I don’t have to go to bed just yet. Ha. I’ll try sending it again. It’s important stuff!!

  106. Linda said,

    I’m still thinking that over, AO — who told you you had to go to bed in the first place???

  107. AO said,

    Nobody. I have a daughter who will NOT go upstairs by herself (Haunted house, you know?) So, somebody always has to go up with her. But, tonight, my husband (who’s going to turn 48 tomorrow!) decided that he was wiped out and he wanted to go to bed.

  108. AO said,

    Still no email, Mark?

  109. Linda said,

    Jeez! what happened to everyone?

  110. Bobbie said,

    BTW-DJ settled on “It’s Raining Men” just to aggravate the kid. DJ said that it would be worth it just to see his reaction.

  111. AO said,

    What? He picked “It’s Raining Men” over “Elvira”? Unheard of!!!

  112. LaFlamme said,

    Giddy up, baoooom bappa ooooom, bappa mow mow mow…

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