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May 11, 2006 at 1:15 am (Uncategorized)

I can't remember who it was that told me many years ago: "Son. You don't go into a whorehouse for a haircut." But as it turns out, this wise man's advice was right on the money. Decades have passed and I have yet to go into a whorehouse to get a little off the sides. It just isn't done.

atporkys.jpg

My point being that if you walk to a whorehouse, you're probably there to plunk down money for a pro. And that's just as right as rain, isn't it? You go into a pool hall to shoot pool, to a tattoo parlor to get a tattoo, to a crab shack to get crabs. Which can also be gotten at a whorehouse.

So, a reporter I know was asked to write compelling stories about the nightlife scene. Go to some bars, she was told, and check out their drink specials. Are they watered down? Are the martinis dry enough? Do the Bloody Mary's stand a chance of beating those at the Olde Towne Tavern? Is the advertised wine bold yet not offensively so?

As assignments go, this is a fine one. The only drawback being that the reporter was told not to drink. Not one sip. And that, of course, leads to the question: why send the reporter to the whorehouse and tell her to stay away from the whores?

It boggles the mind. Tell the food critic to rate a restuarant without sampling the fare. Tell the movie critic to give an in-depth report on a film without stepping into a theater. A reporter expected to ably report on nightlife needs to imbibe on the myriad concoctions that go with it. It's called participatory journalism.

My advice to the reporter was that she stay drunk all the time so that whether or not she drank at this one or that one was moot. Hell, if you listen to the old timers, that's how a newspaper was run back in the day. But I'm not sure if this reporter will take that advice or not. I'll know next time she comes stumbling, weaving and singing into the newsroom. In the meantime, I thought I'd ask you party animals: what can you do to have fun in a bar or a whorehouse without partaking in what they have to offer? And don't tell me you've never been there because I've read the police reports.Barber.jpg

I gotta go get a haircut.

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72 Comments

  1. Martha said,

    I have been known to go out dancing and drink nothing but fruit juice. If they have a relatively good country or oldies band or dj, I can have a very good time, whether dancing or watching others dance. Believe it or not.

  2. LaFlamme said,

    Well, that makes sense. Staying sober gives a person a chance to view others in the state of utter, drunken stupidity.

  3. Martha said,

    LOL… welllllll… can’t say as I really find that very amusing. I’d have answered sooner, but they were “performing maintenance” on the site…. AGAIN

  4. Mainetarr said,

    There was 3 rednecks in New York City. One day while sight seeing they ran upon a whorehouse. Excited, they entered the whorehouse like kids entering a toy store.
    The first redneck had $5.00, the second redneck had $10.00, and the third redneck had $15.00.

    The first redneck approached the lady behind the desk and said ” I got $5.00!

    What do I get for $5.00?”

    The lady spoke over the intercom and said “Ginger– take this getleman upstairs and give him $5.00 worth!”

    The first redneck came back downstairs grinning from ear to ear.

    The oter two rednecks said “Man, what did you get for $5.00?”

    The first redneck explained that she took it out of his pants she put whipped cream all over it, then licked it all off.

    This exited the 2nd redneck and he quickly approached the lady at the desk. He said “Okay, I have $10.00!What do I get for $10.00?”

    The lady spoke over the intercom and said” Tasha, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $10.00 worth!”

    The 2nd redneck came downstairs, grinning from ear to ear, as if he was on Cloud Nine.

    The other two rednecks met him and asked” Man, what did you get for $10.00?”

    The 2nd redneck explained she took it out of his pants, put whipped cream on it, nuts and chocolate topping and she licked it all off.

    This excited the 3rd redneck, so he nervously approached the lady at the desk and said, “I have $15.00. What can I get for $15.00?”

    The lady turned on the intercom again and said” Melissa, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $15.00 worth!”

    The 3rd redneck came downstairs with a huge frown on his face, and on the brink of tears.

    Curious, the other 2 rednecks asked, “Man, why are you so sad. What could’ve went wrong? You had $15.00?”

    The 3rd redneck said, “Boys, she took it out of my pants, put whipped cream all over it. Then she put strawberries, pinapple topping, chocolate syrup,nuts and a big cherry on top! It looked so good I ate it myself.”

  5. Asshat said,

    I can’t post. Test test test test

  6. jarheaddoc said,

    I went into a bar in Marseille, France, on liberty. My friend and I were greeted by an old woman who was gaudily dressed and overly perfumed. She was also puffing on a cigarette that was in one of those long holders. She looked old enough to have serviced the troops in World War One. She instantly spotted us as Americans. The beer was outrageuously priced, there was a two drink minimum, and we had to visit the girls upstairs. We asked if we could get one of the cardboard coasters that many of us collected from the bars we’d trolled, and she said yes. I still have the coaster, didn’t sample the beer or anything else. Social diseases were the easiest way to get one’s liberty secured.

  7. jarheaddoc said,

    A Navy admiral and a Navy chief are in the barber shop on base, getting haircuts. The barber asks the admiral, “Would you like some aftershave, sir?” “No, the admiral says, my wife will think I’ve been in a French whorehouse.” Go ahead and dump it on, the chief tells the barber, my wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.

  8. jarheaddoc said,

    And since we’re on the subject and you do crime reporting, Mark, why is prostitution illegal? Outdated morality standards? Where’s the victim in the crime? I mean, whether the prostitue is male or female, isn’t said person just renting space for a few minutes? The bodily parts involved are on the person offering them. Look at the money the State of nevada makes every year by legalizing prostitution and regulating and taxing it.

  9. Bobbie said,

    I’m usually the designated driver any time we go out. I’ve lost track of the times that I’ve had to grab someone’s shirt as they’ve opened the door while we’re moving instead of hanging their head out the window. So far, I haven’t lost anyone, nor have I had an accident.

  10. K2 said,

    When in Rome. . . .

    And Mark, your horoscope says, ‘Look in the mirror, you need a little trim.’

  11. Linda said,

    Where I used to live, pubs had trivia contests on “slow nights” to bring in a crowd. It was pretty structured, with rounds of questions and a big score board up front.

    I had a team of assorted know-it-alls, we won a lot. The trick is to find team members whose brains free-associate really well after a few drinks. It was cut-throat. The teams who were right behind you would often send over rounds of drinks, but it only helped us.

    You guys know a lot. Does anyone want to offer an area of expertise that I haven’t seen yet? I know you can spell, and keep up on current events, and know a lot about music, TV and literature. What about history? geography? science? Anyone feel like an expert on sports? Any other specialties for my Dream Team? I don’t remember many questions about sex toys or cannibalism but you never know. Shine your lights, tell me what you know in case I find a trivia quiz and need a team.

  12. Linda said,

    Military history? marine mammals? the fauna of Madagascar? volcanoes? forestry? glass-blowing? the earliest computers? Olympic medalists? rivers of the world?

  13. Linda said,

    Heavy construction equipment? Victorian erotica? the Ming Dynasties? the Boston Tea Party? Africa? metallurgy? Amtrak train schedules? area codes? zip codes? Karl Marx? John Irving? bee-keeping? Tiny Tim? Hannibal? Hannibal Lecter?

  14. K2 said,

    Bong etiquette? I’ve got you covered.

  15. Linda said,

    Yay! my first team member. And covering a subject that’s sure to get a lot of traffic. Thanks, K2

  16. Richie said,

    I can do a number of different History specialties: WW-II, Zulu War, Royal Navy of the Age of Sail, Medieval History; etc.; are you looking for anything in particular ?

  17. Linda said,

    That’s the thing, Richie — the questions could be about anything. All of your offerings are excellent. Most people know close to zero about the Zulu Wars so it’d be a big relief to me to have that topic covered. You in, then, mate?

  18. Richie said,

    I know an astounding amount of trivia beyond my specialist areas; but I do NOT know much about current pop culture (or even old pop culture) . Don’t know anything about movie stars or who is in the “Seinfield” TV show. Don’t know much of anything about sports. Other than that, yah, I can play.

  19. Mainetarr said,

    I am a harness racing expert.

  20. Linda said,

    Richie, sometimes if you sit around and brainstorm, it’s the person who knows nothing about it that can make the outlandish suggestion that kicks something loose for the experts. Know what I mean? You’ll do great.

  21. LaFlamme said,

    Apparently, Mainetarr has been barred from the blog for no apparent reason. I’m on the mofo. Anybody else having problems?

  22. LaFlamme said,

    Jarhead, one of my editors once asked a detective why prostitution is illegal, suggesting that it’s a victimless crime. The detective somewhat went into convulsions. His argument is that hookerism is far from victimless. Men sneak out and pay for sex, come back home and give diseases to their unsuspecting wives. Hookers lure business men into dark places where they are jumped, beaten and robbed. And, the detective pointed out, there are prevaling links between prostitution, drug dealing and other street crime. Not my arguments. Just a few I’ve heard.

  23. Mainetarr said,

    What about young, runaway girls forced into prostitution? Victimless? Me thinks not.

  24. LaFlamme said,

    I don’t really have an opinion on the prostitution thing, for what it’s worth. Classic LaFlamme fence sitting.

  25. jarheaddoc said,

    I never thought of it like that, Mark, and that all makes sense. I guess I was just thinking of it from the classic male point of view: if a guy wants to get some, a guy is going to get some. I stand better informed, but hookerism isn’t coming up on my speel chek and the compter won’t let me enter it….

  26. Gil said,

    And apparently you shouldn’t go to Winnipeg for a haircut eother
    http://www.winnipegsun.ca/News/Canada/2006/05/11/1574242-sun.html

  27. LaFlamme said,

    Hey! In all the fun of talking about whorehouses and boozing, I forgot the essenstial point. What about the reporter’s connundrum? Can she effectively report on nightlife without experiencing it as it is normally experienced?

  28. Gil said,

    Absolut – ly
    I believe the results would be about the same as getting marriage advice from a priest.
    Or accounting tips from Enron Execs.
    Or abstince education from bubba Clinton
    Or driving tips from Ted “tell ’em you were drivimg” Kennedy

  29. Gil said,

    Driving
    Or spelling tips from me, apparently

  30. AO said,

    Tell her to pick all of us bloggers up and, we’ll all go out with her and sample the drinks. We can all give her our expert advice on which bar has the best drinks. I’ll be the white wine taster. MT can be the red. Mark, you can tell her which place serves the best Allen’s. K2, resident beer tester though, I don’t think he’ll taste anything besides his beloved Heineken.

  31. AO said,

    Bulldog, Captain Morgan and Coke taster. Gil, what do you drink? Linda, another wine taster. Bobbie, Mt. Dew. As for The Weasel and Treehugger, I’m not sure. Wine spritzers? ūüėČ

  32. Bobbie said,

    Gotta keep an eye on those soda dispensers. There’s nothing worse than a flat soda when you want to add something good to it!

  33. Linda said,

    Pick me up. I’ll blow off work.

  34. LaFlamme said,

    Guaranteed if she goes out with the bloggers, she’ll end up in detox.

  35. K2 said,

    Christ, after a day from hell with my mother-in-law (the most unskilled, incapable grandmother ever), I’ll be the glue sniffer. And the ether sniffer. And the any-and-all-other-solvents-in-the-shed sniffer.

    You can’t know your topic unless you immerse yourself in it. It’s like people that figuratively talk about ‘acid tests.’ If you haven’t ever taken acid, then using that phrase should be expressly forbidden.

    Yes, I’m pissy. I’ll go now.

  36. AO said,

    Hey!! Let’s rent a limo!! Mark will spring for it. The Sun Urinal, in the intrest of journalism, will pay for all of our drinks and, K2’s glue.

  37. AO said,

    If we go in a limo, we could go on a “scavanger hunt” of sorts. A hunt for good drinks!

    Phew! Thank GAWD I checked my spelling. I almost wrote: “A hunt for good dinks”! Ha.

    Mainetarr? I have to ask. How did you get those gorgeous yellow flowers on the side of your house to grow so nicely? They’re beautiful!! You must have a green thumb!!

  38. LaFlamme said,

    Dammit! The hunt for good dinks was my next blog.
    Incidently, the Sun Journal once posted an ad with a typo directing customers to the “soft dink” aisle.

  39. AO said,

    Hey! I’ve been in that aisle before!

  40. LaFlamme said,

    *ba dum DA*

  41. AO said,

    Boy…it sure is quiet in The Lost Sole tonight. Everybody must be out shopping in the soft dink aisle.

  42. Mainetarr said,

    The Sun Journal also misprinted a friend of mines names when we were young kids. He won the soapbox derby in McFalls, his name is Aaron Whittier and the infamous SJ printed Aaron Shittier. He was crushed, and being good friends that we were, never let him live it down.

  43. LaFlamme said,

    Totally quiet. Everybody’s drunk.

  44. Linda said,

    I won’t be posting anything even the slightest bit rude ’cause I’m at work. In fact I shouldn’t be posting at all but I’m pretty weak-willed about it.

    If the limo had shown up at my house I wouldn’t be here at all.

  45. Bobbie said,

    Not everyone is drunk tonight, Mark. I just finished fighting with the internet connection and my keyboard. Maybe it’s telling me something.

  46. LaFlamme said,

    The connection AND the keyboard? What to you punch in a situation like that? Ah, just punch the monitor like everyone else. The monitor almost never causes problems, but always gets hit, anyway.

  47. Bobbie said,

    I always hit the crappy speakers my husband let me have. That’s the last time I let my son have the good speakers.

    We have 3 cats who like to walk across the desks (my desk faces my husband’s) and disconnect things. I did have all of the cords nicely bundled so that this wouldn’t happen, but of course, someone didn’t like it that way and undid everything. Now I just look at him and smile when the connection is broken.

    Can you tell that I really love my husband some days?

  48. AO said,

    Today is my husband’s birthday. He had to work tonight so, I’ve been celebrating for him.

  49. Gil said,

    I’ll be your official beer tester. Heineken doesn’t count as beer, so K2 is out. Having drank the draft of the beer gods in many countries, I believe I am uniquely qualified.
    Ok, I just like beer.

  50. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, Gil. What about Pabst Blue Ribbon?

  51. K2 said,

    PBR is making a huge comeback, and all without any noticable advertising. It ain’t bad. (It ain’t good, either.)

    Gil, you may have sampled plenty of drafts over seas, but I bet know more about beer than you any day. Been brewing it since ’93, and drunk on it since ’87.

    Heineken does contain rice syrup solids, so you’re right, based on the Reinheitsgebot, the German Purity Law of 1512, it isn’t technically a beer — in Germany, that is.

    Anyhow, I prefer a Saccharomyces carlsbergensis over a Saccharomyces cerevisiae any day.

  52. Gil said,

    A little late, but here’s the definition for the blog on Monday
    Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

  53. LaFlamme said,

    Check this out. I made a comment and got a popup message alerting me that I’ve already said it. Getting a weeeeeeeee bit tired of the polite monitoring.

  54. Bobbie said,

    If you’re getting tired of things, can you imagine how the rest of us feel? Like Mainetarr, who can only read tonight and is going to have to save up all of her comments for tomorrow when she can (hopefully) post. Miss you, MT!

  55. AO said,

    Poor MT!! She’s been banned. I know how she feels. Been there, done that…thanks Sun Journal…XXOO.

    PBR…nasty stuff.

  56. Gil said,

    I didn’t say I “knew” beer K2, I said I have a unique expertise on drinking beer. By ’87 I had already been drinking beer for 8 years, and sampled the best of Italy, Spain, Germany, Israel, England, Scotland, Ireland, the Carribean, the East Coast, and the Midwest. Lived in Kenosha, Wi. for a short time, which has the distinction of having the most taverns per capita of any state. Not bragging, just posting my bonafides.
    And I prefer a good heady stout to a lager or an ale. The higher roasted malt used in stout gives it it’s unique flavor and higher alcohol content.

  57. Gil said,

    I drank my fair share of PBR, and Old Milwaukee, and Black Label, and Schaeffers, and Blatz. I wouldn’t call that beer. Those are to beer what Mad Dog is to wine.
    And why did MT get banned? I’ve been out for a couple of days

  58. Bobbie said,

    WordPress thinks she’s spam, like it did with Weasel earlier.

  59. LaFlamme said,

    See, I like Schaeffers AND Mad Dog. I’m such a low budget kinda guy. By preference though, mostly.

    MT had to go. I kept warning her about her outlandish behavior but she wouldn’t listen. No, no. She got inexplicably flagged as spam. I wrote to the spam guys and asked them to knock it the hell off. I don’t even want a spam blocker, let alone one that banishes MT.

  60. Gil said,

    I’ll never understand the prejudice against Spam. Sure, it’s not really meat, vaguely meat-like, and it tastes like, well, like Spam. And how did they mistake MT for Spam?
    Unless she is vaguely meat-like and tastes of Spam?

  61. AO said,

    I think you should add background music to the blog. I don’t know…something kind of bluesy.

    Wow Gil, we have something in common. I too, had been drinking beer for eight years by, 1987! But, can’t say I’ve imbibed in all that you have. PBR, for sure. It was a “cool blue” back in the old Cage day’s when you could get a draft for fifty cents. “Old Swill”, yes, tipped many a cans back with my favorite cousin. Now, eh, I perfer mostly micro-brews. Wine, yes. Chard, chilled. Thanks bartender!

  62. Gil said,

    Ya know what they say AO,
    It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
    Well, Steven Wright is actually the only one I’ve ever heard say that.

  63. Gil said,

    If you are stupid enough to buy a house on Wizard of Oz Dr, you deserve whatever happens
    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12741745/

  64. Gil said,

    Mission Impossible
    -or-
    How about now? Try it now. Now? How about now?
    http://www.leftlanenews.com/2006/05/11/video-tom-cruise-drives-a-bugatti-veyron/

  65. Gil said,

    Good entertainment, Glenn Beck now has a show on Headline News at &pm and 12 midnight. Media matters gives a rundown on Tuesdays show
    http://mediamatters.org/items/200605100005
    They seem to be offended, but then the Media maters group are a bunch of liberal girls, and they just don’t get Conservative humor. Give him a try tomorrow night and let me know what you think.

  66. AO said,

    Love those boy’s from Boston! Red Sox 5. Yankee’s 3.

  67. Bobbie said,

    Thank you, AO. With you around, I’ll never have to check the sports page again!

  68. Martha said,

    Linda,
    I’ll join your trivia team. I once beat my dad in bible trivia and he was a minister.

  69. Linda said,

    Terrific! when I get done with my work marathon, I’ll make us up a quiz. Someday when Mark’s looking the other way, we’ll have ourselves a contest.

  70. Martha said,

    Sounds cool to me.

  71. K2 said,

    Gil, I highly respect your globe-trotting experience, but a few things here: First, a stout is always an ale (S. cerevisiae). It’s essentially a pale ale with roasted barley added to the grain bill. Second, the amount of roasted barley (a kilned malt) used is minimal, maybe 5% of the total grain bill. It really has no impact on a stout’s alcohol content. Surprisingly, stouts are not typically high in alcohol content (although the Russian Imperial stouts are a different ballgame altogether); they usually check in around 4 to 5 percent alcohol. They also are not as calorie laden as many people think, albiet they’re no Michelob Ultra, that’s for sure.

    Your primary malt in a stout is almost always a 2-row pale malt. Also, some stouts utilize black patent and/or chocolate malts (both kilned malts, as well) for color, aroma and mouthfeel. Like roasted barley, a little of these dark malts go a long way.

    Sorry, just your resident zymurgist chiming in. Imbibe on. . . .

  72. Mainetarr said,

    Testes….testes….can I post yet? Don’t make me swear, cuz I will…..

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