For whom the bell tolls

May 17, 2006 at 1:41 am (Uncategorized)

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I remember sitting in the soothing confines of the confessional and coughing up my sins like the dry heaves. "Well, father. I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, I probably put away a twelve pack each night and I run the bars at least four nights a week. I go home with girls I've never met before, have unprotected sex I don't always remember, and occasionally experiment with mind altering chemicals. I also eat red meat, often while smoking and having hedonistic sex with strangers." The priest was quiet a moment and then he said: "Son. You're not confessing. You're bragging."

Ba dum DA! Of course, I'm kidding. I never really went to confession. But sadly, the rest of it is largely true. There was a time when my closest friends secretly wagered on how soon I would die. The most optimistic prediction was that I'd drop at the age of 27. Which was fine by me, since it's such a Morrison, Joplin, Hendrixian age to die.

Vermont (68)1.jpgI came around though, and as far as I know, nobody is putting money on my mortality these days. I still smoke a pack and a half a day, tend to go overboard on the hooch, and I eat red meat maybe three days a week. But there is something far less reckless and self-destructive about this grown up me and I reckon I'll live to 200 or so.

Still, with death so often reaching out its cold, bony fingers to stroke my imagination, I dwell frequently on its inevitability. And like so many people at so many parties, it is darkly compelling to try imagining the source of my own demise. And I've decided that to usher me off to my doom, it will take nothing less than the hand of God in the form of lightening. Call me melodramatic. But there is just something romantic about a force from the heavens lashing out to smite a man. It implies that no force on earth could bring this person down, and so a power from above had to be invoked. Yeah. Lightening.

And what about you, Mr. or Mrs. early-to-bed, yogurt eating, St. John's Wart taking, three-days-a-week-to-the-gym-going, non-smoking, rarely-drinking, tofu-gobbling health nut? How will you leave this mortal dimension when your time has come? Peacefully in bed? Struck down by a speeding beer truck? Slain by a jealous wife or husband? Eaten by wolves? Open manhole?

Tell Mark Macabre all about it. And while you're at it, here's a quiz from Mainetarr to ease your journey into the afterworld. I'll see you on the other side. I'll be the one with the singed, smoking hair.

Death : The Death Clock to find your Armageddon's Day with Death Test Meter find death date

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153 Comments

  1. Martha said,

    I can’t say I fit nicely into either catagory. I don’t smoke and rarely drink, but neither do I go to a gym with any regularity and I do eat red meat. Having said that, I come from an ancestral line which tends to live long, the exception being males on my dad’s side. Since I’m not male..(thank you, thank you, thank you) I don’t think that is really a concern.
    My dad’s mother lived to 90 and was in relatively good health to the end.
    His father died very suddenly of the only heart attack they ever knew he had when he was 59.
    My mother’s parents lived to 87 and 92, I think, but had both been bed ridden at the end.
    My dad was 76 when he passed away and had a couple rounds of cancer, the last of which is what took him. My mother died very suddenly, probably of a heart attack when she was 85.
    One of my dad’s brothers is still living, as are 2 of my mother’s brothers. So, from a longevity/health standpoint, I think I’m in pretty good shape.
    Having said that, though, I drive one of the worst roads, fataliity wise in PA 5 days a week. Thankfully, more often than not, its between 1 and 2 am when there is little traffic. The good thing is.. a new highway is in progress…they MIGHT get it finished sometime before I retire.

  2. Martha said,

    According to MT’s site.. I have until 2046… How about that? Gonna be a VERY old lady by then.

  3. jarheaddoc said,

    Technology these days has made living to ‘the ripe old age of….’ more hassle than it’s worth. It’s not the quantity of life, it’s the quality. I would rather die at a healthy sixty than live to be a miserable old bastard of ninety. And I’m just going to be K2 to saying it: I would just as soon come and go at the same time.

  4. Linda said,

    Can’t wait to take the test tonight.

    At the risk of sounding cliched — I’m a lot more interested in what my life is like than my death. You know the law of diminishing returns? I don’t see the point of trying to do the thousand incremental things that might extend my life. I’d rather do what pleases me; usually it’s healthy and safe, sometimes not.

    I seem to have gotten most of my high-risk behaviour out of the way when I was young, though. Like lots of people.

  5. AO said,

    OMG!! The sun’s OUT!!

  6. Mainetarr said,

    jh, what are you talking about? You already are a miserable old bastard and you know it. HA! I am going to live to 2059, I will be 92. I will be easy to spot. I will be the 5’9, blue haired, old bag pinching everyones cheeks (cheeks on both ends). If I am using a cane, you can be assured at lease 20 people a day will be getting poked in the ass with it. (I’m Italian-can’t stop poking and pinching-it’s hereditary) If I am in a nursing home, I vow to hit on every good looking male doctor, nurse, cna, or medtech that has to enter my room. I will talk like a truck driver, demand take out once a week at minimum and beat all the other old bags at bingo every chance I get. I will talk to all of the other residents in the home, and out what they did and if I find any former musicians, I will form a rock band. By then, no one will give a shit that I can’t carry a tune, they will just think a 90 year old lady with white paint on her face and a black star over her left eye (a la Paul Stanley) will be freaking hysterical. I will sing “Cold Gin” while wiggling my wrinkled old ass on the stage.

    How can I be so sure I will be like this you may wonder? Well, in March 2005 my mother passed away in a nursing home and up until the end, she was funny, hateful, beligerant, ordering take out on a cell phone she thought was a cordless phone (those damn nurses left on her bedstand by mistake-I’ll show those bastards–she called every state in the union and Canada until the battery died–it was her doctors cell phone-she didn’t know the difference) and constantly hit on her doctor. So yeah, I am quite sure I will be a handful, but I vow to make the best of it. You have a choice, you can be a miserable old fart or live right up until you die. Me, I’m gonna live it up as long as I can.

  7. AO said,

    AMEN, Mainetarr! Hey, wanna be roomies? I’m not going to sing any KISS tunes, though. I don’t know any.
    My mother has always said she’s going to live to be 100 and get shot in bed by a jealous lover. Ha. I always live by her credo. Live it up while you can!

  8. K2 said,

    Me? Heart attack. Simply a massive myocardial infarction during a fit of rage. For sure.

  9. K2 said,

    Here comes the sun . . . and I say, it’s all right.

    -George

  10. Gil said,

    Sun is shinin’ in the sky,
    There ain’t a cloud in sight
    It’s stopped rainin’
    Everybody’s in a play
    And don’t you know
    It’s a beautiful new day.
    -ELO

  11. Gil said,

    You come into this world naked, crying and screaming, covered with blood and gore. And if you play your cards right, you can go out the same way.

  12. "The Weasel" said,

    I’m going to have to stop posting, I died two years ago.

  13. AO said,

    *SNIFF* Guess you won’t be getting anymore non-monkey meat pizza’s then. Maybe that’s what killed you. You should have ordered the monkey meat. I’ve heard it’s healthier.

  14. K2 said,

    Interestingly enough, ‘die’ is also an old word for an orgasm. As Shakespeare’s Domitius Enobarbus said in Antony y Cleopatra (Act I, scene ii): “I have seen [Cleopatra] die twenty times upon far poorer moment: I do think there is mettle in death, which commits some loving act upon her, she hath such a celerity in dying.”

    In other words, ol’ Cleo loved to screw.

  15. K2 said,

    Gil, or as Robin Williams said, regarding male babies, ‘We spend 9 months trying to get out, and the rest of our lives trying to get right back in.’

  16. Bobbie said,

    I think I’ll pass on the “When You’re Going to Die Test” today. I don’t need to be like Weasel and find out that I died two years ago and nobody bothered to tell me. LOL

  17. Arby said,

    Testing, Testing …

    How come every time I post a comment, it goes away?

  18. Linda said,

    Hi Arby, we can hear you now!

  19. Arby said,

    Oh, good!

    I’m suposed to live til 2027. I don’t think so. Told my wife 35 years ago I would’nt live to be much over 40. That ship sailed 2 decades ago, here I am still among the living. But in 2027 I’d be over 80! That ain’t gonna hapen, I hope. Quality is way better than quantity.

  20. Linda said,

    I had only the quickest glance at the test, Arby, but I think I noticed that it’s a guideline only, and we aren’t supposed to make any decisions based on the outcome. So I guess you should just carry on as usual, you are right about quality!

    Maintetarr, that’s a wonderful prediction and a great memoir of your mother. I know a lot of old ladies like her, and I love them all dearly. My husband’s aunts up north — 4 sisters, the youngest is around 87, they are a piece of work.

    I expect to somehow be running things at the nursing home, or life won’t be worth living. Maybe we can collaborate!

  21. LaFlamme said,

    You know, there’s a simple alteration to the mitochondria that can extend the human lifespan by hundreds, if not thousands of years. Of course, that really only applies to sickness. Get struck by lightening or tumble while taking a leak off the Empire State Building, you’re still toast.

  22. Linda said,

    Mark, what about bionic repairs? True, the examples you give would take a lot of repair, but still …

  23. LaFlamme said,

    Bah! That’s old school. Before long, we’ll be able to computer and compress the entire dna sequence for each individual. This can be used for travel through wormholes on the quantum level. But it can also be used as backup. Get squashed by a beer truck, your family can simply restore you from the stored file. Same genetic makeup, same memories, etc.

  24. K2 said,

    Speaking of DNA, have you hugged a chimp today?

    http://apnews.excite.com/article/20060517/D8HLLKSO0.html

    What’s this ‘simple mitochondrial alteration’ thing? You know mitochondria are surrounded by a double membrane (plus, mitochondria has it’s own DNA), suggesting that mitochondria were a single celled organism unto itself, which was literally absorbed by another primordially primitive, less energy-effecient single-celled organism, thus giving the latter cell the powerhouse of the former? Might have been the spark that really got the evolutionary ball rolling. Symbiosis, be-otch.

  25. LaFlamme said,

    It’s a small matter of transplanting the mitochondrial nucleus. It’s fairly simple. I’ve done it with gerbils. And then there’s the matter of the polyribosomees, which are needed for synthesis. The five S is found in the mitoplasts and the apocytochome needs to be altered to convert DHEA into estrogen and testosterone.

  26. K2 said,

    Oh.

  27. Gil said,

    Damn Mark, that’s just what I was about to say

  28. LaFlamme said,

    It’s really only a matter of protecting the mitochondrial DNA and using a simple solution to transplant it to the nucleus. All mutations will be mended and the enzymes will take care of the rest. Few of you know that I’m actually 380 years old.

  29. LaFlamme said,

    Which explains my extraordinary wealth. I mean, 380 years and I still can’t maintain decent savings? Loooooooser!

  30. Gil said,

    Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Clonial Williamsburg?

    It’s Your Genome (After All)
    (Sung to the Tune of “It’s A Small World”)

    Verse:
    There are just four bases in DNA.
    There is G and T, and there’s C and A.
    And their sequence in genes
    Forms our guts, lungs, and spleens
    From our genome after all.

    Chorus:
    It’s your genome after all,
    It’s our genome after all,
    It’s our genome after all,
    We’ve great gobs of genes.

    Verse:
    If your ACA turns to ACT
    There’s a world of problems
    For you and me.
    For the bases won’t hold,
    And the protein won’t fold,
    From your genome after all.

    Chorus:

    Scientists have discovered intelligent DNA in some women. Unfortunatley 95% of them spat it out!

  31. Mainetarr said,

    Sheesh, such big words in the blog here today. Someone got lots of sleep today….

  32. Richie said,

    “GrossDeutschland” (“Greater Germany’ ) was the premier Army unit of the German army during WW-II. At their training base in occupied Russia the sign over the front gate said “Remember You are Born to Die”. The recruits would see this each day as they marched in and marched out.

  33. Richie said,

    On another note about dying:

    Josey: You be Ten Bears?
    Ten Bears: I am Ten Bears.
    Josey: (spits tobacco) I’m Josey Wales.
    Ten Bears: I have heard. You’re the Gray Rider. You would not make peace with the
    Blue Coats. You may go in peace.
    Josey: I reckon not. Got nowhere to go.
    Ten Bears: Then you will die.
    Josey: I came here to die with you. Or live with you.
    Dying ain’t so hard for men like you and me, it’s living that’s hard; when
    all you ever cared about has been butchered or raped. Governments
    don’t live together, people live together. With governments you don’t
    always get a fair word or a fair fight.
    Well I’ve come here to give you either one, or get either one from you.
    I came here like this so you’ll know my word of death is true.
    And that my word of life is then true.

    The bear lives here, the wolf, the antelope, the Comanche. And so will
    we. Now, we’ll only hunt what we need to live on, same as the
    Comanche does. And every spring when the grass turns green and the
    Comanche moves north, he can rest here in peace, butcher some of
    our cattle and jerk beef for the journey. The sign of the Comanche, that
    will be on our lodge. That’s my word of life.

    Ten Bears: And your word of death?
    Josey: It’s here in my pistols, there in your rifles. I’m here for either one.
    Ten Bears: These things you say we will have, we already have.
    Josey: That’s true. I ain’t promising you nothing extra. I’m just giving you life and
    you’re giving me life. And I’m saying that men can live together without
    butchering one another.
    Ten Bears: It’s sad that governments are chiefed by the double-tongues.
    (Translater note: here he refers to democrats and others like them.)
    There is iron in your word of death for all Comanche to see. And so
    there is iron in your words of life. No signed paper can hold the iron, it
    must come from men.

    The words of Ten Bears carries the same iron of life and death.
    It is good that warriors such as we meet in the struggle of life… or death.

    It shall be life.
    (he takes his knife and cuts his hand. Josey does the same and they
    grasp each others hand.)

    Ten Bears: So shall it be.
    Josey: I reckon so.

  34. AO said,

    Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man’s head.

    She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

    “Hello?” she cried, but no answer.

    “Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

    Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

    “HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”

    Then ! she heard a faint voice from far, far away…………..

    “We’re down here …”

  35. Gil said,

  36. LaFlamme said,

    So what about those means of death, huh? I boldly chose lightening as my undoing. Someone else predicted a heart attack. What about the rest of you mortals?

  37. jarheaddoc said,

    Mark, if you don’t give credit to the book you quoted from, you’re gonna end up being accused of plagiarism.

  38. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, I confess. I was quoting from a work of fiction when I babbled about all that mitochondria stuff. Here it is:
    http://www.marklaflamme.com/Spice.htm

  39. jarheaddoc said,

    Death is just the final act of life. We’ve had the debate about whether a higher power or the worms get you. I think that a funeral should be a happy occassion, to celebrate the life of the dead person.
    I met an old woman who had survived two husbands and was still quite spry into her 80’s or 90’s, something like that. She told me that both husbands were buried in the same cemetery, with a grave in between for her. I made the comment that she would be buried between them, and she got very made at this. ‘I ain’t gonna be buried beside either one of those sonsabitches, never mind between the two of ’em!” she hollered. She was quite a unit. Went peacefully in her sleep.

  40. LaFlamme said,

    I’ve got a problem with death in general since it implies a passage of time. Time, as we all know, is just another dimension, like up-down, left-right, back-forth. It is only a quirk of our central nervous system that gives us the perception that the time dimension is temporal. In fact, what we regard as past and present are only additional dimensions, like the spatial ones. Thus, the beginning and the end of your life are just points in the universe. Don’t like the latter? Go back to the former.

  41. Linda said,

    You all are having SO MUCH FUN while I’m stuck here at work! Can’t wait to get home and catch up. I hope this won’t be the night everyone has to go to bed early …

  42. LaFlamme said,

    Fun? Talking about immortality and the worms that eat your corpse is fun??
    Okay, you’re right. It is.

  43. Arby said,

    Yeah, that’s the way I want to go, peacefully in my sleep. I want to be one of those unsuspecting souls who goes to bed one night and never wake up.

  44. LaFlamme said,

    Doesn’t that sorta make you afraid to go to sleep at night, though?

  45. AO said,

    Arby, Do you dare dangle your foot over the side of the bed?

  46. Anonymous said,

    We supposedly had a relative that was hit by lightning as he stood in front of an open window on the second floor during a thunderstorm. It was said that the metal buttons on the old style jeans drew the lightning in.

    And yes, I sleep with my foot over the side of the bed every night with no worries at all. Thankfully, my husband’s stinky feet keeps any and all monsters at bay for the night.

  47. K2 said,

    Shocking.

  48. LaFlamme said,

    Elec… I got nuthin.

  49. Gil said,

    Do not go gentle into that good night,

    Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

    Because their words had forked no lightning they

    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

    Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

    And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

    Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    And you, my father, there on the sad height,

    Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    -Dylan Thomas

  50. K2 said,

    Volt LaFlamme in ’06

  51. K2 said,

    Ohmmmmmmm, ohmmmmmm, ohmmmmmmm, ohmmmmmmmm . . .

  52. K2 said,

    All right, enough current events.

  53. LaFlamme said,

    Dammit! I don’t know watt to say.

  54. K2 said,

    &&&&&&&&&&&&

    Oh, sorry about the overuse of the ampersand.

  55. K2 said,

    Cripes, I covered Ohm’s Law, man. Gotta be double points for that shit.

  56. Linda said,

    Good one, K2, I got it. My husband is an electrician so I know all those electrical words.
    And Gil, thanks for the Dylan Thomas. If he were here today, he’d fit right in.

  57. Linda said,

    This is my favourite. i love the dialectic of it.

    FIRE AND ICE
    Some say the world will end in fire,
    Some say in ice.
    From what I’ve tasted of desire
    I hold with those who favor fire.
    But if it had to perish twice,
    I think I know enough of hate
    To know that for destruction ice
    Is also great
    And would suffice.
    — Robert Frost

  58. LaFlamme said,

    If Dylan Thomas were alive today, he’d be clawing at the lid of his coffin.

  59. Linda said,

    There’s a nice thought, Mark. Let’s let ‘im out and hand ‘im a glass of this nice stuff I’m drinking.

  60. LaFlamme said,

    Waddaya drinking, Linda? Formaldehyde? That would be in keeping with the night’s theme.

  61. Linda said,

    Close.
    Jameson’s.

  62. Gil said,

    Hoo-ray beer!

  63. Linda said,

    Jee-zus! It’s Irish whisky!

  64. Gil said,

    I actually just got this as an error message. Those web guys are a hoot.

    Once upon a midnight dreary, while I websurfed, weak and weary,
    Over many a strange and spurious website of ‘hot chicks galore’,
    While I clicked my fav’rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning,
    And my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour.
    “‘Tis not possible,” I muttered, “give me back my cheap hardcore!” –
    Quoth the server, “404”.

  65. Linda said,

    There’s no end to the wonders of the internet, Gil, eh?

  66. Gil said,

    I know what Jameson’s is Linda, i just felt like cheering for beer at your mention of alcohol. The Red Stripe commercial popped into my head and out onto the keyboard.

  67. Linda said,

    Whew, I’m reassured. Thanks for explaining.

  68. AO said,

    Mark, I predict that your end will come from getting hit by a car on Ash St.

  69. Gil said,

    Now I know where I saw AO before. She’s the one hunkered down in that car on Ash St staring at the Sun Journal building all day.

  70. AO said,

    Nah, I’m the one pulling Mark out of the way of incoming traffic.

  71. Linda said,

    For myself — not that I’m wishing for it, but I’m thinking infectious diseases. Those damn viruses are getting wilier and more resistant every day. I spend a lot of time around sick people and i don’t exactly pamper my immune system.

  72. AO said,

    You need to drink more wine, Linda. That’ll boost your immune system. Not to mention cure any ache you may have.

  73. Linda said,

    Sounds like a plan, AO. Not that I have any aches tonight. None that i can feel at the moment anyhow.

  74. AO said,

    Well, drink for your immune system then! That’s an order!!

    I just came back from my daughter’s “Art Show/Ice Cream” social. Lovely time but, I’m ready for summer vacation. School always gets so busy at the end of the year. A non-stop stream of activities. BARTENDER!!

  75. LaFlamme said,

    Speaking of the absolute cessation of life: it’s absolutely dead in downtown Lewiston. I keep prowling and there’s nothing moving out there. What the fug?

  76. AO said,

    Go stand in the middle of Ash St. Maybe you’ll find some action there.

  77. LaFlamme said,

    I was just over by the Cage. Nada.

  78. Linda said,

    Is it raining again there? It’s raining here. And the Sox are losing. But there’s still time.

  79. AO said,

    Nothing? Not even at La Cage? Too bad. I just had dinner with my family at The Ground Round. That place was hopping. Maybe you should head over there.

    No rain yet, Linda. And, keep your fingers crossed for the Sox. It would be nice to see a sweep.

  80. Linda said,

    I have fond memories of the Ground Round. One New Years Day a long time ago in Massachusetts, there were six adults and 4 young kids at our house for the holiday, and we’d drunk all the beer on New Years Eve. (Now there’s a surprise.) So we went to the GR to get a meal and a few pitchers. There was a clown (oops, sorry if that’s a sensitive topic) who played with the children for about 4 hours while we … well, you can imagine it. Anyhow the kids were in heaven and so were we. My boys remember it as a very happy day.

  81. Mainetarr said,

    Just got caught up, infectious disease, Linda? We got a memo from the CDC listing symptoms for the bird flu. If you have any of them, report to your primary care physician immediately:
    1. Fever
    2. Nausea
    3. Chills
    4. Cough
    5. Uncontrollable urge to shit on someone’s windshield.

  82. LaFlamme said,

    Oh, my friggin word. Why didn’t I see that coming. I just made a snorting sound. Very unmanly.

  83. Linda said,

    I’ll be on the lookout, MT. I saw that memo too. 🙂

  84. Linda said,

    Mark as long as you don’t start cackling. If so, it’s quarantine for you, mate.

  85. Mainetarr said,

    My dad, who was married three times, used to tell everyone his first wife died from eating poisionous mushrooms. His second wife died from a blow to the head. Apparently she wouldn’t eat the mushrooms. Me, I would prefer to die eating the magic mushrooms. LOL

  86. Mainetarr said,

    Mark, you gotta stop with the snorting already. People are going to wonder what’s going on under your desk.

  87. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    This is no joke; I seem to be the harbinger of death around our newsroom. When I am not working, my colleagues seem to have very light days on the obit desks. Then when I show up, so do the obits. It has gotten to the point where our metro editor is threatening to put garlic around his desk. It is quite bizarre.

  88. Mainetarr said,

    wow, Mandy, that is weird. What do you suppose causes that? Are they holding them until you come in?

  89. Linda said,

    Mandy! Welcome back! You are just in time for a great topic. Enlighten us! You must know a lot about this

  90. Linda said,

    Not that you don’t, Mark. You were extremely enlightening but it’s always good to get as many points of view as possible

  91. K2 said,

    MT, I don’t find mushroom for that kind of humor.

    Wasn’t he decomposer in the fungi opera?

    All right, I’m reaching. Terribly.

    The Cage. So aptly titled. No windows, filthy, and hopeless. A good time.

  92. Mainetarr said,

    yeah, you are reaching, you are always so full of shitake.

  93. AO said,

    Keep reaching, K2. Just watch where you’re reaching. Make sure it’s only for a beer, not a boob.

  94. Linda said,

    Sounds like K2’s into the magic mushrooms

  95. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, somebody identify this quote:
    “Death has come to your little town, sheriff.”

  96. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    I haven’t pinned down exactly why it is that I seem to attract so many obituaries. A number of theories are floating around the newsroom, but none of them seem to fit.

  97. Mainetarr said,

    It’s from Halloween.

  98. LaFlamme said,

    I think it’s clear that you are Azrael’s wife. Or Azrael’s mistress. Yeah, that sounds better.

  99. Linda said,

    Or is it Forbidden Planet?

  100. Mainetarr said,

    The quote, that is. The quote is from Halloween.

  101. Mainetarr said,

    You can either ignore it, or you can help me stop it.

  102. LaFlamme said,

    Yep. Halloween. Dr. Loomis, played by Donald Pleasance.

  103. Linda said,

    Oh yes, MT

  104. Mainetarr said,

    Bet you didn’t think I would guess that, did yah? I am smarter than I look you know.

  105. Gil said,

    Donald Pleasance as Dr Loomis
    What a creepy little man

  106. Gil said,

    Crap, too slow

  107. LaFlamme said,

    He was also in Carpenter’s “Escape from New York”

  108. Gil said,

    You just couldn’t make this shit up:
    http://www.1010wins.com/pages/36785.php
    It’s safe for work Linda

  109. Anonymous said,

    Gil, did the cowboy get you? worse than any clown i ever saw

  110. Linda said,

    That’s me. clearing my cache again

  111. AO said,

    Test…test. Have I been banned? I promise, my names not Jean or, Dan!

  112. Mainetarr said,

    Hee hee, I am still giggling that I made you snort with the shit on the windshield remark.

  113. AO said,

    Okay, guess I’m not banned. That only applies to MT!

    Dr. Loomis. Was his first name…Willy?

  114. Mainetarr said,

    Gil, WTF? Idiots or what?!? Ship em all back. Buh-bye

  115. "The Weasel" said,

    I just punched Dan’s info in to the mix. It turns out he should never have been born at all….. Hmmmm….

  116. AO said,

    And, send Dan/Jean with them. Ha. I’ve been reading “Our View”, still can’t believe he’s denying that Jean’s not Dan. What a …what was it you used to call him MT?

  117. "The Weasel" said,

    Hey A.O……

    Speaking of monkey meat, how bout this story..

    http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/world/2006-05/16/content_590747.htm

  118. AO said,

    Are they sure it wasn’t a Weasle that killed that monkey?

  119. "The Weasel" said,

    Nope. Remember, I passed away several years ago according to The Flamer’s death machine.

  120. AO said,

    And, by the way, Weasel, I’ve made an offer on that monkey meat. You’ll be eating “real good” for a while. 😉

  121. Linda said,

    Weasel, that’s pretty revolting. Tonight might be the first time I get nightmares from reading this blog.
    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  122. Gil said,

    I love this line
    “the harmony was temporarily disturbed”
    Is that the PC way of saying the bear was being a bear?
    Want a better line?
    “All Dexter McWhite wanted when he got out of jail was to take his grandkids to McDonald’s, according to his attorney.
    But he didn’t have enough money, and he started drinking, defense attorney Christine Warren said. In the end, he robbed seven stores in 17 hours and wound up naked and unconscious in the woods, attorneys said.”
    Read it here
    http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/orange/orl-rob1706may17,0,3735644.story?coll=orl-news-headlines-orange

  123. "The Weasel" said,

    Thanx 🙂

  124. AO said,

    Well, since you’re a goner, guess you won’t be needing any monkey meat pizza. Shiznit!!

  125. Gil said,

    Now that’s a fun day with Grandpa
    Grandpa’s drunk
    Drunk as a skunk
    He’s got a gun and he’s no one’s punk
    That’s my Dr Seuss attempt for the day

  126. Linda said,

    AO, I know what you mean about Our View. The thing that’s bothering me about it is: I don’t know Dan, but I DO know someone who sounds and acts exactly like Jean. If Jean isn’t Dan, then she’d definitely the person I know.

  127. "The Weasel" said,

    Just two more days til TGIF

  128. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    Mark,
    You were thinking of me toiling away on the obit desk when you wrote this topic, right?

  129. Linda said,

    Gil, what the hell, a pearl handled derringer? who the hell has one of those? You, Mainetarr? It’s just too precious for words

  130. AO said,

    Linda, BELIEVE me, Jean IS Dan. We OLD Bloggers, know his style. I just went back into Our View and noticed that he’s edited one of his posts..

  131. Linda said,

    and where is there a dollar menu for drinks?

  132. Linda said,

    AO, I wondered about that editing thing. How can you tell?

  133. Gil said,

    What did he edit AO? I called him on one of his favorite tactics of hit and run accusations. Hopefully he will implode soon.

  134. Linda said,

    I’m hoping to see the blogs slam down again.

  135. Gil said,

    Oh, no Paul McCartney and his wife are divorcing.
    http://www.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30000-1221965,00.html

    She tried to talk him out of it, but she didn’t have a leg to stand on

    And now she’shopping mad

  136. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    Okay, here is a strange but true obit. Not too long ago I wrote about a woman who not only outlived five husbands, but took up taxidermy late in life.

  137. Gil said,

    Always, always, without fail, wear your kevlar undies to bed
    -or-
    See, I told you they were all insane
    http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=local&id=4179853

  138. AO said,

    Weasel: Remember, for tomorrow, S.H.I.T. okay?

  139. "The Weasel" said,

    You are correct 🙂

  140. AO said,

    Okay, I’ll post Dan/Jean’s editing. But, is it okay to do this here? Pull things from the Sun Urinal and all?

  141. Linda said,

    Gee lets check the rule book.

    Looks safe to me!

  142. AO said,

    Weasel, Thank God I’m not blonde!! 🙂

    I’ll try to go into the Sun Urinal space and see if I can find it. (YAWN!!) Way past my bed time!

  143. Linda said,

    Here’s a vintage Darwin Award winner that i just happened to notice. Couldn’t get the link but I’m sure you know where to find it.

    (21 December 1992, North Carolina)
    Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death
    in December in Newton, when, awakening to the sound of
    a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone
    but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special,
    which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

    DarwinAwards.com © 1994 – 2006
    Reference: Hickory Daily Record

  144. AO said,

    It’s in the Reaching for success in a college degree blog. Fourth up from the bottom. I KNOW he edited it because, I read it a few times today and wanted to comment but, bit my tongue.

  145. Gil said,

    How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
    She answered the iron

    How did she burn the other ear?
    Asshole called back!

  146. Gil said,

    You mean this one?

    Posted By: Jean at May 17, 2006 05:48 PM (Suggest Removal)
    Perhaps there is a resemblence, but he didn’t have the strength of his convictions, or he’d be here. None the less, parching my quotes, taking them out of context, then “translating” them is a typical ploy of people who have no way to defend themselves, instead then enjoy tearing down other people to make it seem like they’ve elevated themselves. Nice try.

    Honestly, you people refuse to admit anything done by someone other than a diehard bigoted Republican can be good. What a world you live in.

    I noticed he/she/it toned it down from the original

  147. AO said,

    Linda, Reading that makes me gald that 1: I don’t own a gun. 2: I don’t have a working phone by the side of my bed. When my phone rings late at night, I have to run down the stairs to get it. By then, I’m wide awake and ready for any bad news that’s coming at me or, any drunk that’s dialed the wrong number!

    Sleep tight, all!

  148. AO said,

    He originally had Dan’s name in the post. Jerk. He can try to hide behind his Depend’s all he wants. I know it’s him. Nobody else could be so vile.

  149. Linda said,

    AO, I hope running down the stairs doesn’t feature in your nighmares! (referring to Mark’s study guide from yesterday).

  150. Linda said,

    I respect your deep loathing, and I believe this is Dan — but I’m telling you, I know someone else who’s that vile. She drove a friend of mine halfway to a breakdown, with email “stalking.”

  151. AO said,

    Nope. The only nightmare is…who’s on the other end of the phone. ‘Kay, I AM going to bed now!! Gawd, I have to get up in…how many hours?? Have a good night!

  152. Linda said,

    ‘Night. I think I scheduled myself to work overnight the next two nights (7 to 7) so maybe I should go to bed too.

  153. Mainetarr said,

    AO, it was Douchebag Dan. No name, other than Fat Bastard, fits him better. Asshat is close, though.

    Weasel, sorry I missed you. You yahoos stay up way too late for me. LOL

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