Potty mouth

May 23, 2006 at 2:07 am (Uncategorized)

I want to tell you a goddamn story and I'll try to keep the sonofabitch short. I know I can be a wordy bastard sometimes and I'm trying to knock that shit off.

elderly1.jpgA few weeks ago, I met with a group of senior citizens to talk about my novel. The group was made up of a dozen older women and at the end of the meeting, one of them pursed her lips together and asked the question I knew would be coming.

"Why, Mr. LaFlamme, do you have so much swearing in your story?"

Tensing, I expected grumbles of agreement from the others in the group. Soon it would turn ugly. Perhaps a beating would commence and how the hell would I explain that at the end of the day?

Instead, to my surprise, the other ladies quickly derided the first for her observation. There was nothing wrong with a little spicy language in a work of fiction, they said. Gutter talk is just the way of the world and those who find it offensive just aren't being realistic.

"We've all heard the F-word, Mabel," one of them said.

I am not making that quote up. And because of those broadminded broads, I am here today to talk about swearing and how much I enjoy it.

Leary1.jpgOh, sure. I could just spout off a bunch of profanity statistics. Like how in the United States, 72 percent of men and 58 percent of women swear in public. And how the same is true for 74 percent of 18 to 34 year olds and 48 percent of people who are over age 55.

Or I could go the scientific route and explain how man's tendency for vulgarity is largely a product of his limbic system, which houses memory and emotion, and the basal ganglia, which is ground control for impulse control. There is also the matter of deistic profanity versus visceral vulgarity.

But the hell with all that crap. I know most of you get pissed off by blowhards who retreat to textbooks to deliver their message. Who fucking needs it? So, in order to keep you all from bitching, I'll just proceed to the main point. Which is what Mainetarr and I refer to as the hierarchy of swear words. It is a simple measure of any given word's severity.

For instance, the word bastard would be low on the profanity meter. Bastard is a word used chiefly in reference to someone who is being a pain in the ass. Unless he or she is also grouchy, in which case you use the more fitting term "miserable bastard." 

Likewise, sonofabitch (note how it rolls off the tongue if you wrap it all into one word that way) is a perfectly acceptable word to use in public to describe one who, like a bastard, is being a pain in the ass. Only, a sonofabitch tends to cause you grief intentionally, as in: "that sonofabitch just took a piss in my bird feeder again."

Barking the word asshole brings it up a notch. That word implies that, like a bastard or a sonofabitch, a particular person is causing you misery. Only now, your level or irritation has risen to the point where you'd like to do bodily harm to the person who made you swear in the first place.

The word douchebag, while technically a medical product and not a swearCarlin.jpg word, is typically used to describe a person who is an asshole, but who is probably too stupid to know better. A douchebag, while annoying, is almost a sympathetic character.

A fucker is a person who has antagonized you, but you really can't hold it against him because somehow, it's his job. "That fucker drank the last beer again," you might say about your lush of a roomate. Only, be careful of words like this. As Mainetarr brilliantly observed, add one adjective to it, and you will change the meaning altogether. Saying "he's a dirty fucker" no longer implies mild irritation. Now, the noun "fucker" has been modified to imply that a person is so stinky, it is no longer just unpleasant, but possibly unhealthy, as well.

And so on, and so forth. There are great swear words that roll out of the throat like nails fired from the thorax. Some are reserved for moments of extreme unhappiness, like when you sit on a bag of tacks (it happens, people). There are words that will get your face slapped and others that will cause an entire room to fall silent. We all know there is one word so vile and syllabic, it is best not even hinted at.

seamen.jpgI welcome your thoughts on the hierarchy of swear words and their many uses. Extra credit is given for those words that sound dirty, but are in fact, perfectly clean. Like fucoid. Or cumquat. Or seamen. Or masticate. Extra, extra points are given if you can use those words in a sentence without giggling.

PS: not to mention "cockchafer, "snatch block," or "touch hole."

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188 Comments

  1. Martha said,

    You know what I’ve never been able to figure out.. if you’re mad a person, why call his mother names?

  2. Linda said,

    I’m prepared to learn some new words and phrases today. Bring ’em on

  3. jarheaddoc said,

    My son, at the tender age of three, was babbling away, as kids will do, when he uttered the phrase, “And I told him fuck you.” Well, I have wicked potty mouth from my time with the marines and just being the way I am, so it’s no wonder the kid talked like that. My wife was giving me that look that a wife reserves for her husband when he has done something really fucking stupid as I asked, “Why did you tell him that?”
    “Because he’s an asshole, Dad.”
    True story. I still have the scars from The Look.

  4. Mainetarr said,

    of course, Mark neglected to tell you he almost got me committed last night because he had me laughing so hard my husband had to come check on me. He was upstairs and heard me laughing, just like I did this morning when I read this. What is it about swear words that get you laughing so hard you snort? A funny word that Bulldog taught me is Tnuc (pronounced Ta-nuk), sounds French, but is the most hated word in the vocabulary. (spell it backwards, folks) When you are unable to swear at some beeotch in the mall, you can say Tnuc out loud and only you and your clued-in friends will know what you are talking about. I not only get over being mad, I usually start giggling immediately after I say it. Also, you can change the meaning of Bastard easily by adding an adjective. Like Fat Bastard, Creepy Bastard, Old Bastard, etc…

  5. Martha said,

    LOL.. you guys are going to have my boss restricting from reading while I’m here at work.. I sit here giggling and snickering.. I’m really surprised no one has come and asked what’s so funny.

  6. Mainetarr said,

    I forgot– Ugly Bastard, Funny Bastard, Stupid Bastard and Smelly Bastard.

    Words that are not dirty but could be: Beaver, balls, nut

  7. jarheaddoc said,

    Martha, I beleive the reference to one’s mother is simply a modification of the word ‘buddy fucker’. A buddy fucker is someone who borrows your car, gets drunk in it with some stank ‘ho, throws up in the back, and not only uses the condom you keep handy in the glove box, but leaves the semen filled thing on the floor for you to find. He does not put any gas in your car afterwards but takes the returnables from his booze filled escapades so that he can buy another pack of smokes.

  8. Martha said,

    JD… LOL.. twould be the last time he borrowed my car… I can assure you.. but as for his poor mother, she probably doesn’t like him any better than you do.
    BTW.. I asked you and MT a question at the end of another blog.. a couple blogs ago…

  9. Asshat said,

    second hole from the back of your neck (vagina) Used in a sentence…Stop acting like the the second hole from the back of your neck, beeotch.

    kojak in a turtleneck (penis)
    kojak in a crew neck (circumsized penis)
    horse collar (big vagina)

  10. jarheaddoc said,

    Shit is always a handy word, and not really considering vulgar when modified with either bull or chicken.

    Swearing is overrated, really. The proper way to fuck with people is to be creative and not say anything vulgar but still manage to be incredibly insulting. Medical terminology is great for this.

    “You have the worst case of hemmoraghic vaginitis that I have ever seen.”

    “You are a thrombosed hemorrhoid on the rectum of life.”

    “I would rather face the prospect of dental anesthesia and a full mouth extraction of all my teeth than spend time with you.”

    See, not a swear word in the bunch.

    And this always sends people scrambling for the medical dictionary: don’t have a tetany over it, you might snap something in your body that you’ll need later in life.

  11. jarheaddoc said,

    Martha, to answer your question, it’s off Route 122, in the area of where you would turn to head down to the state park, if you came in from the New Gloucester area.

  12. Martha said,

    LOL JD… I have to admit, I’m about as un potty mouthed as they get.. my supervisor, who is a 20 something young man, was totally shocked one day when I called him a butt head… He said he actually thought about for a few seconds trying to figure out what I’d actually said because he couldn’t believe I’d said butt head.
    Pretty sorry, huh?

  13. Mainetarr said,

    Martha, I answered your question, but JD can tell you what route it is off. I am BAD with directions and routes. I am the typical Mainer that gives directions by saying, “Go up the road to where the Big Apple used to be, keep going just a little bit, turn left by Mary’s house, go about 5 minutes, turn right when you smell horseshit from Fernalds Farm…etc….” see what I mean? Me no good at directions.

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  14. Martha said,

    LOL MT… I love it…

  15. jarheaddoc said,

    Military drill instructors have got to be the absolute masters of the verbal insult without swearing at you. My military time was done before all this kinder, gentler crap.

    Close your eyes and envision this: a man shorter than you, in a Smoky the Bear Hat, carrying a step stool. His English is mangled, at best, and intermixed with his native language, which you don’t understand. You are singled out for being ‘as fucked up as a soup sandwich’. He puts down the step stool and stands on it so that he can look you in the eye and proceeds to verbally harass you while his head snaps back and forward and he expertly hits you on the bridge of the nose with the rim of his hat. You are not holding back tears and trembling out of abject fear of this man, but trying not to laugh your ass off because it is just too damn funny, even if you’re the object of his ire.

  16. jarheaddoc said,

    Mark, you can add seminal and fecund to your clean but sounds wicked dirty list of words.

  17. K2 said,

    When Robin Williams was asked by James Lipton what his least favorite word is, Williams replied, “Cunt, ’cause it’s just so goddam negative.” He’s right. You can say, “Wow, what a freaking pussy” (i.e. – Dan) or “Mmmmm, mmmmm pussy” (i.e. Steven Tyler) and the meanings are practically opposites. The c-word is ultimately definitive. Cripes, it doesn’t even make it into respectable dirty talk, except in that real smutty porn LaFlamme’s got in his extensive adult video (and microfiche) library. I mean, if a man throws That Word out there while horizontal (or vertical or diagonal or tangential) with his lady, it’s over – – the sex, his life, his bank account, his car. . . .

    Anyhow, somebody had to talk about this shit. It is a blog on swearing, you know.

    My favorite is ‘fuck,’ in all its forms, no doubt. Curbing it around the children is high on the priority list. Harder than quitting crack, though.

  18. K2 said,

    anal, sphincter, anal sphincter, testy, sac, tubesteak, biscuit, taco, clam, Jizelle, Dick, Peter, tufted tit mouse . . .

  19. jarheaddoc said,

    Korean: e-me-she-pet-po-jada: Your mother has a bald headed pussy.
    Russian: Yab-davat-chew-maht: I fucked your mother.
    Killing offenses, both. I guess some cultures do respect the mothers amongst them.

  20. Linda said,

    Feculent. Thats my offer for the moment, but remember I’m at work.

  21. Linda said,

    Road directions: I worked at the Bethel Inn waiting on tables one summer, and I learned early on that people “from away” weren’t impressed with directions involving time. How far away is Rumford? Half an hour. One man ranted about taking his Cadillac on “some of the cowpaths we call roads” yadda yadda. I never gave directions again, which was the safest bet.

    Ring a bell, jd? I was laughing last night when you talked about working at the Poland place.

  22. K2 said,

    Paging Oedipus. . . .

  23. K2 said,

    And aren’t bald-headed pussies protected by Federal law? Oh, wait, that was in Korea. Never mind.

  24. jarheaddoc said,

    Fart, the clean F word. Farts are fun loving old people. Farting around is goofing off. Farting in church is a mortal sin if you’re Catholic, but if you’re protestant and in that Catholic church, it is a very expressive thing, especially if it was silent but deadly and smells like something crawled inside you and died and you defecated it out, right there, between Hail mary’s, while waiting your turn for Confession. God, I love this English language and the way we pervert it to suit our needs

  25. Bobbie said,

    Get ir right, JD. It’s your mother has a bald pussy, not a bald-headed pussy. Another good Korean word is cumdinghy. Another phrase is poo poo hana ju say oh. Or, you could always say that someone is Hucking Number Ten.

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  26. jarheaddoc said,

    Well, excuse the piss outta me, Bobbie! I tried to use that goddam Yahoo translation attached to this thing and that’s what it gave me! Garbage in, garbage out!

  27. AO said,

    JH, I like the story of your son using the “F” word. When my son was 3, I picked him up at daycare one day. Put him in his car seat and proceeded to pull out of the driveway. At the time, I was driving a Trooper which, he called the “bye-bye Trooper”. As I was pulling out, I heard him say, “I hate this fucking bye-bye Trooper”. I slammed on the brakes and turned around and asked him what he just said. He repeated himself, I said, Oh, that’s what I thought you said. He then said the “F” word at home in front of my husband. I thought he was going to have a stroke. I told him to ignore it, he’s just looking for a reaction. We did and, he never said it again. Turned out there was a little boy at the day care with quite the potty mouth. I still love that story.

  28. jarheaddoc said,

    Here’s a little poem I wrote after my son discovered the treasure trove in his diaper.

    “Here’s the scoop
    On painting with Poop
    Dad says it’s Bad
    But the fun I had
    So to you from me
    I signed my name in pee”

    I made a card for my wife with that in it, complete with a stick baby covere with poo. My wife still has that card.

  29. Martha said,

    I at one time had a sitter who could have a potty mouth when she wanted to. Since she would babysit in exchange for a meal of my bbq spare ribs, she babysat often. The one rule I had was, she was to never say anything in front of my then 3 year old which might cause my dad who was a minister to have a stroke if she repeated it while sitting on his lap.

  30. jarheaddoc said,

    That whole painting with poop incident was sparked by my babysitter, Martha. She was uptight enough to snap a vertebrae but she took good care of the kids

  31. jarheaddoc said,

    Oh, it is that time of day when everyone has to get to work and there’s a lull in the talk. I guess I will get to my honey do list so that I will not be in any trouble for goofing off on the computer all day. However, I earned enough points yesterday to be able to make some wood chips today.

  32. Martha said,

    Who says “everyone” is going to work? Since I’m almost ready to get out of work, does that make me a nobody? 😀

  33. Mainetarr said,

    I am at work too, Martha, so we can be nobody’s together. jd, you asshat. Thanks a bunch. What a rude bastard, eh Martha?

  34. Linda said,

    jd, you did earn points with us, if that’s what you meant. You were very brave

  35. jarheaddoc said,

    I didn’t refer to anybody as a nobody, MT. you ungrateful bitch! That is a classic case of you twisting words to suit your own amoralistic needs! OH, if that wasn’t a warning shot across the bow, I don’t know would be. Envision me shooting daggers from my eyes, MT.

  36. Linda said,

    Er …. seems that you’re still brave today.

    What’s she supposed to be grateful for?

  37. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this word yet, but fecund is a word that sounds dirty.

  38. K2 said,

    So this old man and woman become close in the old-folks home. Over the weeks they get more and more personal, and then one night, the woman says, “Bill, I just want to let you know one thing: I have acute angina.”

    And Bill says, “That’s good, ’cause you’ve got ugly tits.”

  39. jarheaddoc said,

    NO, I’m just goofing with her, Linda. I imagine she’ll sit down and read this log at lunch time and think of something that sounds really nasty but will make her laugh her butt off as she writes it. She’s known me way too long to take anything I say too personal.

  40. Linda said,

    Oh, I know jd. I’m just keeping an eye on things.

  41. jarheaddoc said,

    Spooge. That is just a vile word to say.

  42. Linda said,

    Oh, I know jd. I’m just keeping an eye on things. Trying to stay under the radar & hope my system administrator doesn’t notice me, now that he’s back from vacation

  43. jarheaddoc said,

    There is an art to hiding in plain sight and looking busy when you’re actually goofing off, Linda. Make frustrated sounds every so often, hit the screen, and don’t laugh. good luck!

  44. Linda said,

    Thx for the advice. All of that’s EXACTLY what I do when I really AM working, except I do manage to laugh a lot. So this’ll be the perfect disguise.

  45. Mainetarr said,

    Yeah, JD used to look like he was learning in school too, but that was obviously bullshit. He was too busy having nasty thoughts about the girls in his class. Or thinking about fishing. Or ways to torture the substitute teachers, no wait, that one was me. Sorry, I was confused there for a minute.

    Did your wife get my e-mail last night re:Stacy’s webpage? JD?

  46. jarheaddoc said,

    MT, yes she did, thank you. She fell asleep in the chair before she could get on the computer and go it.
    I’ve been outside, MT. The weather is nice here and I’ve been working on a cabinet for the wife. I putter a little outside, come in and sit here for a few minutes, do something in the house. Not that I would ignore you, MT….

  47. jarheaddoc said,

    Smegma. Now there’s a word for the sounds bad but ain’t list.

  48. LaFlamme said,

    Holy shit. You people were up swearing like bastards at 6 a.m?

  49. LaFlamme said,

    Furthermore, when someone says: “Fuggin-A!” What does the A stand for?

  50. K2 said,

    ‘Asshole.’ Just the usage changed.

  51. Martha said,

    Mark, how dare you?

    I didn’t any swearing… Uh Uh.. not me.. I’m innocent I tell ya….

  52. jarheaddoc said,

    Well, what the fuck, Mark? You were up at oh dark fucking thirty doing the same exact goddam thing with your goat smelling ass!
    We’re waiting for that picture of you and the J cup bra, mark. So you ever sleep?

  53. LaFlamme said,

    Oh, sure. I sleep like a bastard between dawn and noon.

  54. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, who swears with the most aplomb? Samuel L. Jackson? Dennis Leary? Nick Nolte? I say nobody does “muthafucka” better than Jackson, Leary does the simple F word the best, and Nolte’s dyspeptic foul mouth in 48 Hours earns him honorable mention.

  55. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, anyone hear that Bulldog hasn’t been feeling good? (probably safe for the workplace. Unless you work for the SPCA)
    http://koti.mbnet.fi/~bgf/rojut/hefhofhof/

  56. jarheaddoc said,

    Well, there are several ways to interpret that video, Mark. I guess my take on it would be that even when a male feels like tossing his cookies, he is still going to try to knock one out before he does it.

  57. AO said,

    That’s just flucking nasty! 🙂

    Then, there’s always the word Fugly.

  58. LaFlamme said,

    The life of Bulldog is an uncertain one.

  59. "Weasel Junior" said,

  60. K2 said,

    Jean eating chicken?

  61. Herb said,

    Fuckin’ Aye right

  62. "Weasel Junior" said,

  63. K2 said,

    Couldn’t go through with that one. I bailed almost instantly.

  64. Linda said,

    K2 bailed??? Well I’m gonna leave it alone for sure

  65. Richie said,

    Damn; just . . . damn.

  66. Asshat said,

    so much for Herb the perv being gone from the blog=that didnt last long

  67. Marks left hand said,

    There is something here for all of you; including those who like the J-cup.

    http://www.amplebosom.com/acatalog/BARGAIN_BOX.html

  68. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, cool. A chart. That’s what I was looking at, yeah. The chart.

  69. K2 said,

    It sure is nice to have some support.

  70. AO said,

    Why your left hand? What was your right hand doing while you were looking at that chart?

  71. Linda said,

    We had Asian words — now from our Commonwealth friends, how about arse and arsehole?

  72. jarheaddoc said,

    Suggest removal of post #62! Jesus, did I just write that? K2, I shoulda listened!

  73. jarheaddoc said,

    And wanker and yarbles, Linda!

  74. Linda said,

    Don’t forget bugger. And “bugger me!” as an exclamation.

    And the most euphemistic but sweet in its way: Sweet F-A! which means absolutely none. My workmate got a nice bonus but I got sweet F-A!

  75. jarheaddoc said,

    Assbag
    Case of the ass, as in ‘you’d better run and hide, the boss has a wicked case of the ass today’
    Or, you could commit the absolute worst faux paus a ‘colonist’ could ever make to an Englishman: tell him that the picture of the Queen, that’s on his money, is horrible. I was lucky to escape with my life after that, never mind the most excellent british field rations those Royal Marines had with them! They readily accepted my excuse that I was one dumb mo-fo. I can hear you laughing your arse off, Linda!

  76. Linda said,

    I am laughing jd. That would go down well enough in Australia but NEVER in England. you had a lucky escape, must be due to your fast talking and skill at acting dumb

  77. jarheaddoc said,

    It was Sardinia, actually, and that ain’t skill, Linda: it’s genetics

  78. Bobbie said,

    JD, don’t go giving me that genetics crap. You had acting dumb down to an art ever since you were out of diapers.

  79. jarheaddoc said,

    And if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black, I don’t know what is. You probably stand out in those tunderstorms, acting like Benjamina Franklin. and that first name is spelled correctly, BTW

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  80. K2 said,

    For awful golf shots that go out of bounds or in the drink, there’s AMF — adios, motherfucker

    For a bad shot of the tee after you just birdied the previous hole, it’s PBFU — post-birdie fuck up

    Or for the almost-decent-looking-trailer-trash-but-too-weathered-and-worn chick at the bar, it’s TMU — total mileage unknown

  81. Bobbie said,

    Don’t talk to me about the Benjamin Franklin act because I know that you did a very good impression of that yourself in your younger days. Does underwear and a big tub, complete with a bar of soap ring a bell?

  82. Mainetarr said,

    Oh do tell Bobbie….I need some ammo for any future reunions with JD. All of the stories you tell will be repeated, I promise. LOL

  83. AO said,

    Let’s here them! And, if you hear something, MT, make sure to let me know! 🙂

  84. Bobbie said,

    See, that’s a double edged sword, MT, because it works both ways.

  85. AO said,

    Ohh…that’s the way it always works, Bobbie. The stories that could be told about me! Wow! I’d rather not go there!

  86. Linda said,

    C’mon guys, stories, stories!

  87. AO said,

    Bobbie, how did you make out with all the “weather” that was coming your way yesterday? Everything intact?

  88. Bobbie said,

    I’m not ashamed of chilhood antics or anything else like that, it’s just that some of those antics don’t need to see the light of day, if you know what I mean! LOL

  89. AO said,

    Well, let’s see…there was the time that me and…no, no, I digress! I couldn’t tell.

  90. Bobbie said,

    I know exactly what you mean, AO!

  91. AO said,

    Boy, do I ever! Although, I was never a bad kid. I had a mother that would just swat me a good one if I ever did anything wrong! So, I towed the line. But, when I got older…yikes! Yup, I had a good time. And, if either of my kids did any of the things I did…I’d swat them!

  92. K2 said,

    One time, I was fucking this dead alligator, and the next thing I knew, I woke up naked on the hood of my car with my keys up my ass.

  93. Linda said,

    Don’t you hate that, K2?

  94. AO said,

    Sounds like something that would happen to only YOU, K2. Hey, it’s Tuesday, why aren’t you at Fastbreaks?

  95. LaFlamme said,

    Once, when I was out of underwear…
    Wait, I already told that story.

  96. LaFlamme said,

    What about “asstard?” Anyone use that word lately?

  97. K2 said,

    No, but my buddy calls me Cum Jockey all the time. Fun.

    AO, I’m not sure I’m going tonight. Archie seems to play less and less live music (he takes breaks longer than the Beatles), and more and more baseball and heavy metal shit on the jukebox. I can watch baseball at home and listen to jazz. And drink dollar Heinekens, instead of $3.75 a piece. ($4.25 for Stella Artois?!? — Stella! Stella! . . .) and sneak to the basement for tubules. Mmmmm . . . tubal ligations.

  98. AO said,

    Well, we’ll all have to meet up there again….someday! It was fun.

    Asstard? There’s one I’ve never heard. But, it is a word that I’ll start applying to some of my customers!

  99. Mainetarr said,

    FUCKWAD…What about that one?

  100. Linda said,

    yes, it’s got a nice smooth sound to it

  101. K2 said,

    ‘Pillow biter’ is another good one.

    ‘Unit’ is a nice alternative to ‘tool.’ Dude, you’re a unit.

    I’ll close with ‘assmunch.’

  102. AO said,

    Fuckface. That was a big one when I was growing up.

  103. AO said,

    “Pillowbiter”! He-he…funny one.

  104. LaFlamme said,

    Also: fuckhead.
    I like “pillow biter.” Very descriptive. There are a few others I can’t bring myself to say.

  105. AO said,

    Hey, it’s your blog. Remember, no limits! Say what you want.

  106. LaFlamme said,

    Can’t do it.

  107. Linda said,

    Before I learned words like fuckface — you know, when I was a child — I thought jerkoff was pretty wicked. I only knew what it meant because of my cousins in Massachusetts (I had no brothers and this was before I could take books out of the adults’ library)

  108. AO said,

    Aww, don’t be an asswipe! Spew! Roch has always told me that I can swear more than any sailor he’s ever known. He was in the Coast Guard and, the Merchant Marines. Makes me kind of proud! Let ‘er rip. You’ll feel better.

  109. Linda said,

    Let’s hear it, Mark.

  110. AO said,

    The only thing I dared say, when I was a kid was, FART. And, even then, my mother had a fit! So, one day, when I was all growed up (Yeah, right!) I went on a FART “rant” in front of my mother. I just kept repeating the word fart, over and over again in front of her. I thought she was going to faint. What a good memory.

  111. K2 said,

    My mother would smack me for the word ‘suck.’ How lame is that? And I was a formula baby. Is it any wonder that I’m always sucking on a bottle of beer (or a bong) in some strange oral fetish, and I swear like a drunken sailor (see: redundant)? Basically, I’m a victim.

  112. Linda said,

    We probably shouldn’t take it to the SJ tonight, eh?
    I’m just saying…

  113. Linda said,

    Ever get your mouth soaped, K2? Did mothers really do that?

  114. AO said,

    I’ll bet K2 got his mouth soaped more than once. That would explain the foam around his lips.

  115. LaFlamme said,

    I knew a family who soaped mouths. Try that shit these days. Holy fuck.

  116. Linda said,

    Child Protective Services wouldn’t like it, you mean?

  117. LaFlamme said,

    Right. Plus I just wanted to say shit and fuck in the same sentence. Once this blog is through, I might have to go to profanity detox.

  118. AO said,

    I couldn’t imagine putting a bar of soap in either of my kids mouths. What an awful thing. Sorry, K2. Hope it was a somewhat good tasting bar of soap, if those could be had!

  119. LaFlamme said,

    Oh, I’m sure it was one of those delicious bubble gum flavored soaps that were all the rage back then…

  120. Linda said,

    Could you be imagining that? Bubble gum flavored soap? what would be the point?

    • King said,

      Ciao Banahe,Trot is not vulgarity, but a page from Roman industrial periphery Liberation Theology. And though I will refrain, there’s plenty more from where it came from concerning the sacred trusts of Islam in Christian Europe.No more Vaffs at Gov, I promise!

  121. AO said,

    In my house, growing up, it was Ivory. It was cheap, it got you clean and, guess it could clean out a dirty mouth!

  122. Mainetarr said,

    I got my mouth soaped because I told my best friend Kip to go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself. It was Palmolive and it was friggen nasty. She plugged my nose until I swallowed it too, rotten beeotch. I swear I had the trots for a week after that too. Once, at a Motor Booty show, they had the bubble machine going and some of it got in my drink. Of course, I was too plastered to notice and drank it anyways. Again, trots for a week. Drinking soap just isn’t kind to your digestive system.

    By the way, what comes around goes around. I’ve soaped two of my friends children (one was my “foster kid”, I put the 14 year old in a headlock, dragged him into the kitchen and soaped him, all 5’9″ 175 lbs of him), the other is my Godchild and he was 5 at the time. Both have always been very respectful to me since and laugh about “Auntie Gail” soaping them. They are older now and tell me they learned a lot about respect from me, which makes me feel good. Although they are probably on My Space blogging about getting soaped by that rotten beeotch. LOL Little bastards.

  123. Robert said,

    Stories…Its pretty tame but…

    When our first son was about 3 years old he would run through the house screaming “oh My God! Ohg My God!”. My wife being the strict little catholic girl that she was insisted on blaming me, scolding me and having me beleive I’d go to hell for teaching my son that language, and reminded me if she heard anything worse, there truly would be Hell to pay.

    Suddenly one day she burns her little finger in hot water and starts screaming, yeah you guessed it “Oh My God, Oh My God” and not just the same words but in the same pitch as my son, who ran around her mimicking it…God that was a great day!

  124. Robert said,

    Ao

    soap in the mouth, your mother and mine shared notes…

  125. Mainetarr said,

    go on Mark, tell them the nasty work that had me in stitches last night. I tried to tell Chris, who was upstairs, what was making me laugh so hard, and when I tried to say the word, I snorted, giggled and laughed until I was crying. Eventually, he came downstairs to see “what is so friggen funny, Gail, you retard”, read my e-mail with Mark, and started laughing himself. Go on Mark. Say that word. I..hee hee… I, I, I just can’t. Tell them about the Dick Tacs for nasty breath….come on. Tell them!!!

  126. Mainetarr said,

    You know, Robert, you mom gave me hell once too. I remember her saying something to your younger sister, I started laughing and she gave me the “look” and said, “ANd just what is SO funny, Miss Gail?” I think I may have shit my pants.

    • Cinderella said,

      Gratuliere! Nun hast du es geschafft! Und der Stand sieht so super aus!Wie ich schon mehrmals sagte, bewundere ich deinen Fleiß! Du kannst stolz sein auf die vielen wunderschönen Sachen, die du produziert hast!Wurde denn alles verkauft?Habt ihr auch so einen Barha-Nacaveskruf auf dem Schulkonzert? Bei uns ist das am Freitag.Ganz liebe Grüße.Astrid

  127. AO said,

    Robert’s mom and my mom, go way back. What a couple of wild women they were! Remember, Robert? Remember all of their nights out at The Roundhouse? They were two crazy women. And, they had so much fun together! Funny, I was just sitting here thinking about your mom. We should try to get those two crazy chicks together again. Bet they’d be a lot tamer than they used to be! 🙂

  128. Robert said,

    Ha!

    Yeah, the Roundhouse, the singles club on Webster, ah yes that two man band playing Baby BLue….god it was awful…made Freddy Fender look good. Is your mom still local? It could be fun to surprise them with a get together…big house here, we could have both families over….any of the rest of the family still local? Becky & Sue are around.

  129. LaFlamme said,

    Oh, yeah. The word Mainetarr was referring to, the causes her to double over and pound her knee is “cocksucker.” Which I’ve used way, way too much while driving lately.
    Incidentally, it can be written fairly cleanly thus: cogsugger.

  130. Mainetarr said,

    you sure are a funny bastard, Mark. Ok, enough swearing for me. I am off to bed. Nite nite all.

  131. Linda said,

    Oh that’s a classic — why did it not “come up” until now? A bit high on the scale but it’s got tradition going for it. That’s never the one you had trouble putting out here, is it?

  132. Bobbie said,

    AO,
    I’m in the process of taping Destination for you. I’ll have to watch it while I make a copy for my daughter. Right now, we’re gabbing on the phone. See what happens when we’ve been on the phone for 2 hours?

  133. LaFlamme said,

    No there are much worse words and word combinations. Let us not speak of them.

  134. toadfrog said,

    Jarheaddoc,

    Serves you right… I know of your potty mouth and the choice phrases that come out of it. No wonder you are now scared for life becuase of it.

  135. Bobbie said,

    Everything came out good after the storm. I did end up with a flat tire tho because I put the car in the garage to keep it from getting hailed on.

  136. Mainetarr said,

    Oh, before I forget, Bobbie, JD’s got nuthin on me–I was a good kid. I only got evil once I started hanging around with Mark. Before that, I was shy and withdrawn.

    ok, goodnight. Really. I mean it. Goodnight. 🙂

  137. Bobbie said,

    If you really want me to believe that, MT, I have some swamp land on Pikes Peak to seel you! LOL

  138. Toadfrog said,

    Bobbie,

    So you ended up changing this after the storm, correct.

  139. Bobbie said,

    That should have been sell. Can’t see too well in the dark.

  140. Linda said,

    So … putting the car in the garage gave it a flat tire? What did I miss?

  141. LaFlamme said,

    It’s true, you know. When I first hooked up with Mainetarr, she was a very quiet spinster, working in the back room at the Yarn Barn because she was too shy to meet new people. I was a church pianist with a tendancy toward bow ties and sweater vests, myself. It was some sort of osmosis thing that happened when MT and I had a chance meeting at a quilting bee. We both just spazzed out, started downing tequila shooters, and began swearing like bastids. It was fucking crazy.

  142. Toadfrog said,

    I want proof of the swamp land… Are you able to provide some… ?

  143. Bobbie said,

    Toadfrog,
    I paid someone to change the tire for me. I know how to do it, but unless I have no other choice in the matter, I pay someone to do things like that. My days of crawling in the dirt are long over.

  144. Linda said,

    Night MT

    Christ Mark, we’re bound to speak of them sooner or later. Somebody here is, anyhow

  145. Toadfrog said,

    I need to know where these guilting bees are. I think that I could use some excitment in my life.

  146. Bobbie said,

    I’ll provide you with a photo, Toadfrog. Prime property.

    Linda,
    I didn’t kick the nails out of the way before I parked the car in the garage. That’s how it got a flat tire.

  147. Linda said,

    Yes, quilting bee, right. The only parts of that story I believe are the shooters and the swearing. as for the rest — it won’t hunt.

  148. Toadfrog said,

    guilting is suposed to be quilting… wrong button.

  149. Linda said,

    Toadfrog, are you typing in the dark same as Bobbie? 🙂

  150. Toadfrog said,

    Linda,

    Well if you have read The Pink Room by Mark then you know that he is full of shit anyway. Especially at the long awaited ending.

  151. Toadfrog said,

    Linda,

    How you guess… I am the new personality disorder she suffers from.

  152. Linda said,

    Oh yes, he can spin a yarn.

  153. Bobbie said,

    Toadfrog,
    You’re delusional, I swear. Never met you before in my life, so why the grief tonight? Besides, you’d have to fight Fred for space.

  154. Toadfrog said,

    Bobbie,

    Linda left the backdoor wide open. Why not walk through.

  155. Toadfrog said,

    Fred, is that the boytoy?

  156. Linda said,

    Suffer, no way, it must be nice for her to have company, you seem like an entertaining alter-ego. It seems to run in this blog anyhow

    Some night when we’re not baying at someone’s heels or something, we could see who can make up the best fake blogging character. Kind of a cross between blogging and World of Warcraft, know what I mean?

  157. Bobbie said,

    That’s the good thing about the blog-everyone takes advantage of the open doors.

    • Clara said,

      If this article hasn2#8&17;t been posted anywhere else, it should be. You have definitely learned much from the ideas you came up with to put into such a wonderful article.

  158. Linda said,

    Bobbie you have a boytoy in there too? what a great idea

  159. Linda said,

    Or sometimes kicks them in (doors)

  160. Toadfrog said,

    So true. Would be sorta fun, ya know!

  161. Bobbie said,

    Too bad he’s imaginary tho. Does keep me company tho when no one else is here.

  162. Linda said,

    probably better that way. no socks on the floor and all that

  163. Toadfrog said,

    Bobbie,

    Well see atleast you admit that even adults can have imaginary friends too. Good for you. Maybe you should start a program or something. 12 steps soulds like a good start.

  164. Bobbie said,

    No socks on the floor is a good thing-less for Trouble to eat.

  165. Toadfrog said,

    Linda,

    Socks, so that is where I went wrong. How does it work?

  166. Toadfrog said,

    Bobbie,

    Trouble, another alter ego?

  167. Linda said,

    well my pager’s been a bit unpredictable, I had better sleep while I can. Though last night i may or may not have conveyed my attitude toward BEING WOKEN UP AT 3 A.M. FOR STUPID SHIT THAT COULD HAVE WAITED TILL 7 A.M. WHEN I GET THERE. So it may or may not be quieter tonight.

  168. Bobbie said,

    No, our dog. She loves to eat dirty, stinky socks.

  169. Bobbie said,

    Try and get some sleep tonight, Linda. I know all too well what it’s like to be woken up at 3 AM.

  170. Linda said,

    Ha. Socks. You have to kick them under the bed until they get re-e-ea-lly scary. Unless your dog eats them first.

  171. Linda said,

    Bye!

  172. Toadfrog said,

    Linda,

    Hopefully you are able to sleep the night through.

  173. Bobbie said,

    I don’t have to kick them under the bed to be scary-they come off my husband’s feet that way!

  174. Toadfrog said,

    Now that is bad…LOL.

  175. Bobbie said,

    I’m getting ready to call it a night now. Hopefully everyone has a good night!

  176. Toadfrog said,

    Well, since everyone is leaving me I guess I will have to call it enough for one day too.

  177. Bobbie said,

    Yeah, it is bad. He only has to whistle and the socks come right to him.

  178. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, Toadfrog. Are you in Australia?

  179. K2 said,

    Oh, I;ve had a few bars of Irish Spring in my mouth back in the day. It should be called Irish Leech Field, the shit tasts so bad. ANd like MT said, the taste lasts for days and days. Kinda like cock. . . .

  180. Toadfrog said,

    LaFlamme,

    No, I am not in Australlia.

  181. The Stiltwalker said,

    this was hilarious…

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