A dish best served cold

May 27, 2006 at 10:13 pm (Uncategorized)

you_bastards.jpg

As if spammers aren't loathsome enough as it is, now they're getting insulting. Just tonight, I got an e-mail message in my mailbox that said: "You're penis is smaller than the smallest cell phone." At least I think that was spam. I hope it wasn't from an ex-girlfriend.

Spammers are scum. You take the most obnoxious telemarketer ever and he's still not as infuriating as your garden variety spammer, with the penis creams and low rate mortgages and lose 200 pounds in a half hour and please your lady all night long and buy vAliUm and xAnaax cHeAp.

Bastards. I hate them. Now and then when I get to a particular level of seething (because for a moment there, I thought I really DID win a million damn dollars in an overseas lottery) I begin plotting my revenge. Ultimately, it's very difficult to do. These lowlifes hide deeper than Al friggin Quada. But if I could find one — just one, mind you — I would dedicate a large portion of my life to tormenting the prick.

I envision leaving cryptic messages on the pecker wad's home phone ("you don't know me. But you're wife is cheating with your brother. And your sister…) I imagine going to his favorite bar hangout and louding claiming to be his gay lover. I dream of following him around and peeing in his car whenever he leaves it. I delight over the idea of planting bags of coke in his wheel wells and calling police. I have many, many such ideas for disrupting the daily lives of those cog noggers.

inflatable.cellphone.jpgBut I'm just raving, now. I happen to know that our own Mainetarr is quite adept at serving up heaping helpings of payback when a situation warrants it. One of these days I'll get so fired up over the mounds of spam, I'll pay her diabolicalness to unleash some revenge whoop ass.

Huge! My cell phone is huge

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33 Comments

  1. Martha said,

    LOL Mark.. I can restrict my email on AOL and at work.. sorry to sound like I’m bragging… but I am.. I don’t have to deal with much spam.

  2. Anonymous said,

    One thing I always wondered about. If you use a penis enlargement cream, won’t your hands get bigger too?

  3. LaFlamme said,

    You should use the special applicator to spread the cream, Anonymous. I mean, I assume.

  4. Bobbie said,

    Sounds like you know an awful lot about those things, Mark. The sudden growth in your hands scare you enough to read the instructions?

  5. Linda said,

    Same as Martha — I have pretty good filters. BUT for a while we did have an ISP that rolled out the welcome mat to SPAM, so I know exactly what kind of crap you are talking about.

    If you could actually FIND the people responsible, you could use any of your ideas, including MT, for revenge. Wonder if anyone admits to it on forms. Occupation: SPAM writer. Penis enlarger (no, that’s too vague). Boil on the backside of the computer world (too long).

    Pretty hard to search them out. I mean — it could be one of US that dreams up this stuff. I mean, Martha SAYS she does weather stuff, but how do we know? And jd, he’s got a convenient twisted streak, has anyone here actually SEEN him in the uniform he claims he wears? God knows K2 could do it, he could phone it in!

    My point is not to embarass three people from the Lost Sole, or make them feel defensive. My point is just — how are you gonna find ’em, SPAM-mers? They can hide in plain site.

    Anyhow that’s just my first impression on your topic Mark, coffee levels not topped up yet so I’m not fully responsible for these remarks

  6. Martha said,

    Morning Linda.. I’m working on my coffee too.. btw.. do you REALLY think I’d be at work at 2 am to be writing spam?… And if I did, how would I find time to post to this blog and keep annoying Jean with the truth on LSJ site.

  7. jarheaddoc said,

    Linda, I am surprised that you are mentioning my clothing, and on a Sunday. It’s Hail Mary’s and genuflection and all that other good Catholic stuff for you!
    My SPAM filter stopped working briefly and the crap just came flooding in. My son has been reading an anatomy and physiology text that I have, which isn’t bad, as far as I’m concerned, but trying to answer the question, “Dad, what does———- mean?” is not always easy to do, and he quite clearly points out that the pictures from the spam don’t look like the pictures in the book.
    The worst goddam spammers of all are the news people themselves. How in the hell am I supposed to sit there and ogle the weather woman when they have that goddam ticker tape running along the bottom of the tv?

  8. jarheaddoc said,

    And what did you mean I’m twisted when I streak? The only people who knew about that corn field were the farmers grwoing dope to actually make a profit this year!

  9. Linda said,

    That might be TMI again jd, especially (as you note) for a Sunday morning.

    Nice to find you in a better mood than yesterday a.m.!

  10. Linda said,

    Hey Martha, no I don’t think you are a SPAM-mer. You’ve impressed me with weather info often enough, and as you say, there’s the 2 a.m. thing. But mostly , you are so obviously a nice person. I was delirious to even mention it. 🙂

  11. Beer can Bob said,

    Where do I throw my empties?

  12. LaFlamme said,

    Leave them here, Beer Can: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=268346

  13. Not Linda said,

    Haven’t actually seen jd in the uniform that he claims to wear, but I do know that he does what he says he does. He may not always have the best attitude towards his job, but he’s good at what he does. And yes, that’s the closest it’s going to come to a compliment, jd.

  14. not jarheaddoc said,

    Thanks. I think.

  15. Linda said,

    Thanks for the help whoever you are. I have trouble meeting my daily quota of bullshit all on my own. Always looking for assistance!

  16. Not Linda said,

    No problem helping with your daily quota of bullshit today. Everyone needs help every now and then, but sometimes jd needs it more than the rest of us!

    You’re welcome, jd.

  17. Linda said,

    Help with bullshit? jd? I wouldn’t have thought so.

  18. not linda said,

    I just know him a bit better than you do, Linda

  19. Linda said,

    I’m sure you do.

  20. Mainetarr said,

    Let me know if anyone needs revenge planning. I am the master revenger. Oh the stories I could tell….I have had the simplest of plans turn out 100 times better than I had hopes. Oh yes, if any of you need any ideas, just let me know. Or send me an e-mail at hatefulbitch@yahoo.com. Just kidding….

  21. Linda said,

    That’s great to know, MT. Never know when you might need expert revenge planning! I good for now though, thanks.

    Hope your weekend’s been fun and horror-free

  22. AO said,

    MT, I MAY take you up on that offer! Ya never know!

  23. Mainetarr said,

    Hee hee, I have pulled off some good ones, let me tell you. My weekend has been going right along just peachy, I actually went into the office yesterday for a few hours to get caught up some work. Today, we put up a canopy and picked up Milo. He is spending the night. Chris is on puppy duty tonight if Milo wakes up and starts being a shit. He is doing great, no accidents in the house.

  24. Linda said,

    Sounds good. I went to the office today too. Yesterday I got to meet my brother’s new dog, who he calls “my son, Dodger.” He has three daughters, a wife, and a female dog who hates him, so you can understand the Dodger thing. Dodger’s a 12 week old rat terrier, whatever that is. My bro says he has papers, but I asked him if he meant the Thursday SJ.

  25. Martha said,

    Linda,
    Thank you. This has been one of those weekends I can use all the reassurance I can get. As I indicated in another blog, all is NOT peace and harmony at home. Feeling a little stressed and discouraged right now. Its nice to have someone notice when I do something right.

  26. Linda said,

    Hi Martha, isn’t it unfair that just when you really need all your powers to deal with shit, that’s exactly the time when you feel distracted, discouraged and distressed. Yet other times, when things are fine and you could handle a little powerlessness, that’s when you know you rock.

    Just don’t let yourself be defined by other people or events, know what I mean?

  27. Mainetarr said,

    Hey Martha, is your house feeling a little crowded these days? Sounds like it is starting to get to you. Well, you are a charter member of the Lost Sole, so come in here when you get a chance. You know we love yah!!

  28. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    We receive a ton of spam at work and it always amuses me when a plethora of ads for Viagra and Cialis show up in our obituary in-box.

  29. Linda said,

    I doubt those drugs can raise the dead, Mandy ….

  30. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    I would agree, but it goes to show just how random those spammers can be. One of my former co-workers once wondered if the companies would stop sending the spam if he bought some of the Viagra.

  31. Martha said,

    Ty MT… Not sure what I’d order up since I’m really not much of a drinker, but a friendly welcome sure feels nice.

  32. LaFlamme said,

    What the hell? The people who need obits are already stiff.

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