Going Griswold

May 27, 2006 at 1:29 am (Uncategorized)

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Ah, Memorial Day weekend. Barbecues, beer swilling, driving like an absolute asshat on the highway… Yes, its a holiday steeped in a tradition of excess. And if you're going on a long road trip, you'll wear out the palms of your hand laying on the horn because that jackass monkey from Massachusetts is driving in the left lane and barely going the speed limit. You will need a computer program to generate new swear words because sociopathic suck pumps keep pulling out in front of you and then slowing to the speed of crippled slugs.

Holiday drivers suck. People suck. And cops will be everywhere to make sure you don't stomp on the gas in a vain attempt to pull away from the morons. Too bad we're not in Texas. In Texas, they sneakily keep uppingTruckster.jpg the speed limit a little bit more each year. Some analyst predict that, by the year 2010, Texans will be allowed to drive at half the speed of light.

Yeehaw! Texans who brag they do things bigger and better now can go faster too. State transportation officials on Thursday boosted speed limits on two stretches of rural highway from 75 mph to 80 – the nation's highest posted speed limit. Not everyone is happy: "You can repeal the speed limit law, but you can't repeal the law of physics. People don't survive crashes at these excessive speeds," said Tom "Smitty" Smith, Texas director of the consumer advocacy group Public Citizen.

In Maine, we tend to justify our own inadequate holiday plans by blaming the traffic on the roads. Go ahead, ask a handful of your friends what they're doing over the big weekend. More than half of them will tell you, in exasperated tones: "Oh, we're staying home. Who wants to be out with all those assholes on the road?" Truth is, that woman forgot about the holiday and spent all her money on lottery tickets. So she'll buy the kids one of those ankle deep inflatable pools and start hitting the gin and tonics at noon rather than at suppertime. And who can blame her?

nlvacation044.jpgSo, for those of you keeping the car in the driveway this weekend, here's to you. I hope you drink a lot, get belligerent and stumble in here to air your grievances. I declare the Lost Sole a repercussion free zone where you can bitch about anyone and anything you want and no one will call your probation officer. Go nuts. Let loose. Hit on anyone you want. Just remember, if you vomit while passed out on your back, you will die.

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40 Comments

  1. Mainetarr said,

    I didn’t spend all my money on lotto tickets (just two megabucks and two powerball tickets, don’t forget yours Mark), but we are staying home this weekend too. The furthest we are going is to Lisbon to pick up Milo for the day today and maybe to see the DaVinci Code on Sunday. I hate the traffic, stupid Masshats are everywhere. Two Masshats got into a fight at the store by my house last night-they were yelling and screaming at each other (two men) so loud I could hear them inside my house. I was working on office stuff at home (yes, I am going in again in about 1/2 hour to wrap up-so much for time away!) and went outside to see what the hell was going on. Get this, they were fighting over a bag of ice. Apparently they had two coolers and were splitting ice and one guy took more than half. Can you believe that? I was wondering if they would shoot or stab each other, but apparently theu figured it out. What a bunch of idiots. That’s the worst part about summer, it’s not the invasion of mosquitoes, black flies or hot muggy weather. It’s the Masshats.

  2. jarheaddoc said,

    Massholes. Jesus christ, that has got to be one of the dirtiest words in the day to day language of Mainers. I think the State of maine should stop every last fucking one of them in York, take all their money, sell all their camping stuff-who the hell goes camping with a fifth wheel trailer, anyways?-then make the fuckers walk back. We need to change the sign down there, too, from ‘Maine, the way life should” to “Keep Maine green, leave your money and go the fuck away’.
    Thanks, MT, like I really wanted to spend the day thinking about all them fucktards screaming by y house on the way to the lake, where they bought all the property at grossly inflated prices and drove the real estate amrket around here out of the price range of working slobs like me. My house is on wheels, too, but you don’t see me driving it up and down the road in a gas guzzler that has been scientifiacally proven to noticably contributed to global warming the instant it’s fired up.
    I hope Milo shits in your car!

  3. Linda said,

    No travel for me. Graduation party today in Auburn for my niece Katie in Auburn, she’s graduating from ELHS. Then a reprieve on Sunday. Then a party with my husband’s family on Sunday, in Canton.

    I see many glasses of wine in my weekend, to get through those 2 events. Families — can’t live with ’em, etc etc.

    So if you guys aren’t traveling either, see you round the blog! if my husband doesn’t crash the computer again that is. I just spent an hour on the phone with a service rep in India (second time in a couple of months), and whatever we might say about how these contracts should be in the U.S., “Paul” is really great, easy to understand, and he FIXES MY COMPUTER which makes him A-OK in my books.

    MT, give Milo a cuddle for me. Puppies are the best. But don’t wear your best clothes.

    jd, take a chill pill. Or whatever you need. Think of your blood pressure! Sheesh!

  4. K2 said,

    I’m Griswalding up to the Bingham area for some camping and fishing. I’m sure to at least catch a buzz. Have a good Memorial Day, everyone.

    ‘O my god. The dog peed on the picnic basket.’

    or

    ‘I French kiss.’

    ‘So, everybody does that.’

    ‘Yeah, but daddy says I’m the best.’

    Or how ’bout when Randy Quaid is slobbering all over his beer, and he says to Clark, ‘Boy, I bet you sure could use a cold one, Clark.’ Then he hands over his backwashed, spit-covered beer to Clark and cracks himself a fresh one. Classic.

  5. Bobbie said,

    the furthest we’ll travel this weekend is pueblo to take dj out for graduation. then we’ll stay around the house. you guys have masshats/massholes to deal with there and we have kansans and texans to deal with. a texas driver does know what a turn signal is for-hanging his stetson on and nothing more.

    let me know if you come up with a good name for people from kansas and texas. i’m looking for something to call them besides stupid, jerks and assholes. and yes, they are 10 times worse than masshats ever thought about being!

    sorry-had to type around the cat this morning.

  6. LaFlamme said,

    Well, Happy Memorial Day to me. Looks like I’ll be in here with mostly chicks this weekend. Figured I’d start off the holiday by offending Linda with the term “chicks.”
    What’s everybody drinking?

  7. jarheaddoc said,

    I must remain dry, as I have to work tonight. The rule is no alcohol four hours before you go on shift, but with the heat today, one beer would lead to the other five going down my neck and I wolud have to call out because I’m having entirely too much fun to go to work.

  8. Bobbie said,

    I’m drinking Arizona Tea and Gatorade. Even that stuff doesn’t taste good today with the heat-we’re looking to hit 100 and are already sitting close to that mark now. About the only thing that really tastes good right now is ice cold milk to go with my ravioli that I’m having for lunch.

  9. hedonisticpleasureseeker said,

    hahahah . . . I just spent all my gas money on booze. I’ll be staying home this weekend too. Yay, key lime martinis!!!!!

  10. Linda said,

    So I think I can tell heaven from hell, and this afternoon was both.

    The heaven: Pink Floyd on the car radio with what’s probably the Lost Sole theme song, am I right? It’s also my son Luke’s signature tune, and I can’t hear it without being glad I have Luke and sad I don’t have him, at the same time.

    I have to say my SIL’s tacos were a slice of heaven too. And of course the graduate herself, a fabulous niece.

    The hell: can you imagine that my brother didn’t even have a cooler of beer in the basement for us? I’m sure if it was up to him, we’d’ve been right. But now I’m home and have to start from scratch. Since I stood in the sun for two hours, I’m starting with beer.

    And BTW Mark, if we can withstand maggots, sex toys, German pee masks, cannibalism and Christ knows what, you ought to know we can perfectly well ignore the shit you write and if you call us offensive names, we’re able to shrug it off . Or maybe I’m feeling a bit mellow. I’m not usually great with holidays but today I’m in the groove. So bring it on, if you think you can.

  11. Linda said,

    And I forgot to say — Rte 4 was ridiculous but it didn’t seem to be Masshats up here — in our part of the state we have the Canadian and New Hampshire grandpas driving seven miles under the limit and seven inches over the center line.

  12. Linda said,

    hedonisticpleasureseeker, don’t you wish you had that fur coat money back in your pocket right now. The coat’s no use to you unless you live in the far north or down under, but wouldn’t another jug of Tanq come in handy this weekend?

  13. Bobbie said,

    Unfortunately, clearance items aren’t returnable in most places, but I’m sure that the pawn shop will give you a few bucks for it until after the holiday. That way, you won’t miss out on the extra jug of Tanq this weekend.

  14. Linda said,

    That’s it Bobbie — the pawn shop. Don’t you love pawn shops?

  15. Bobbie said,

    Don’t blame me for the last post-I was having a nice nap when the phone started ringing. My mind kept saying “Someone needs to answer the damn phone before it hits the 4th ring and goes to voice mail”. Then my mind told me, “You’re the only one in the damn house and it’s already up to the third ring”. Thankfully, it was just the hubby and I called him back. Since he’s on his way home, it looks like we will be heading to Pueblo for graduates choice.

  16. Bobbie said,

    Gotta love the pawn shops, Linda. They sometimes have the best deals in town on things that you absolutely just can not live with out-and they charge you less interest than the payday loan places do!

  17. Bobbie said,

    I know what you mean about dealing with the in-laws this weekend, Linda. My SIL was kind enough to call right before taking the son up to get ready for graduation. It would appear that the rest of the family will be gathering at my MIL’s residence (an assisted living facility) on Monday between 10 and 10:30 (translation: we’re going to be lucky if we see anyone before noon on Monday). We’re usually the last to know about anything, which is typical for his side of the family. So far, we hadn’t made any plans for Monday, so we don’t have to suddenly juggle things and jump thru hoops to get my MIL somewhere she really doesn’t want to go.

    Hopefully no one suggests that they come over here to do a cookout type deal because the answer will be no. It’s not like we can go down to her house because it’s devoid of furniture and everything else like that. Anyone want a 3 bedroom house in Rocky Ford? It’s on a double lot and the house is made with old growth lumber. They’re only asking $45,000 for it. If you can put up with Masshats/Massassholes, you can deal with the Mexican population here.

  18. Bobbie said,

    Almost forgot to mention that it has a large dining area, huge livingroom, both with 16′ ceilings. The kitchen is good sized, but the bathroom is small enough that you have to go into the kitchen to change your mind before going back in again. Detached carport for 1 car in the yard and a you can stand up in the cellar when the tornadoes go thru town.

  19. AO said,

    Well, my day started with a bang. My daughter had a mild seizure this morning. Had to take her to the lab for blood work. She’s doing fine. I’m a wreck. And, do you know how hard it is to get a doctor to call you back on the weekend? I spent most of the day….waiting. I finally called them back. The end result is, we have to up her meds at night and, she’ll have to go back next week for more blood work. I haven’t told her that yet. One fearful melt down a day is enough for her little soul. So, Linda, I’m with you on having a few beers. I’m stressed to the max!

  20. Linda said,

    AO!!! good grief, how terrifying! Can I take it that at least this isn’t totally out of the blue? I mean any seizure is out of the blue but … never mind, I’m not asking any questions, just saying please, sit, relax, can you relax? let me pour you a chard. Is your neck tense, maybe a litte massage? what do you need, girl? Just say it

  21. Bobbie said,

    Very sorry to hear about your daughter, AO. That was one thing that you didn’t need this weekend. Hope that she-and you-are feeling better now. Hopefully you can sit and relax some.

  22. AO said,

    I’m going to sit and, relax. Thanks for your concern Linda and, Bobbie. She’s doing fine. It was a mild one. It was over before I could even get her medicine to her. It just gets a little hectic around here when she has one. Always makes me a nervous wreck. Guess you could say I’ve gone “Griswold”!

  23. Linda said,

    Yes, relax. I’m relaxing too. I recently relaxed into a brief semi-coma and was revived by my husband noisily cooking dinner. (and that is NOT a complaint). Now I’m refreshed and just a bit … I don’t know … restless? Gradually going Griswald I guess.

  24. AO said,

    Who am I kidding? I went “Griswold” years ago!!

  25. Bobbie said,

    I’ve learned to hide the “Griswold” side of me most days. The last time that I let that side of me out, we ended up going to Leadville in the middle of the night and spending $40 on a hotel room we barely got to use.

  26. Linda said,

    OK, so there IS something bugging me. Where the hell is Gil? Gil, where the hell are you?

  27. AO said,

    He must be away for the weekend.

  28. Martha said,

    I don’t expect to deviate from my nornal routine this weekend.. Well, maybe one minor exception.. once I’m done with my coffee.. I think I hear some butterscotch schnopps calling my name. If I do, that will likely be the extent oh my celebrating this weekend. I have to work my usual hours Monday, but because its a holiday, its automatic time and a half and they feed us.

  29. AO said,

    Martha!! Butterscotch schnopps! Well I never! Watch out, I’ve hear that that stuff can be lethal!

  30. Linda said,

    AO, nice suggestion but it doesn’t cut it. Gil has been AWOL for a week, I believe. And this is NOT a plot to get my veggie garden dug on the cheap, either.

    Hey Martha, another non-traveler. Makes sense to me, get your legs under you with coffee and then switch to schnapps. Is that a popular drink out there, I guess it would be. I saw a piece on “Made In Maine” (i think that’s what it was on) confirming what we all know: in Maine, it’s all coffee brandy, all the time. well that might be an exaggeration but Maine has the highest consumption of that evil brew. Not that I haven’t had my share but that was when I was too young to know any better.

  31. AO said,

    Mark LOVES Allen’s!

  32. Linda said,

    I know. Just looking for a rumble ūüôā

  33. AO said,

    I think it’s too quiet in here for a rumble tonight, Linda.

  34. Linda said,

    ‘Fraid so. Well my husband is really tired of my half-hearted hassling, guess i better turn my full attention on him and see if HE wants to rumble or whatever. Now that Schill has his 200 and all. (Yay!)

    So this is probably over and out until tomorrow, for me!

  35. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, I hope everything’s okay, AO. Keep us posted.

  36. AO said,

    So far, so good. Thanks, Mark.

  37. Martha said,

    Actually, the schnapps are something my daughter bought for making butterscotch pudding.. I haven’t indulged yet.. not sure I’m going to…took my shower, thinking more about bed than booze…

  38. Bobbie said,

    Martha,
    Ever had Butter Babies before? Tastes really good and you can drink quite a few of them, just don’t try to stand after your third one without some help from a friend.

  39. Martha said,

    LOL Bobbie.. nope.. I guess since I wouldn’t know how to make one, I shouldn’t have to worry about it.. been a very short night sleep wise.. All is not stress free and peaceful on the homefront.

  40. hedonisticpleasureseeker said,

    AO!!!!! So sorry to hear about your daughter. For what it’s worth (I know, I’m a complete stranger!) I was on seizure medication for nearly FIFTEEN YEARS until I discovered multiple food allergies. I was borderline celiac (wheat allergy) and the gluten in the wheat had been attacking my nervous system. Six months after changing my diet, my brain waves were normal and my neurologist took me off the meds. Most doctors (even neurologists) won’t even think to test a patient for food allergies.

    So, it’s worth having your daughter screened, just in case!!!!! I was tested here: http://www.enterolab.com or if that link doesn’t work anymore, you can do an internet search on Dr. Kenneth Fine.

    (As for selling my coat for a tank of gas? No way jose!!!!!!)

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