Dumpsville

June 7, 2006 at 12:41 am (Uncategorized)

story.divorce.jpg

 

Her name was Julie and she was as wholesome and zesty as a pepperoni pizza. We wrote our initials with chalk on the street in front of her home. We hung out in her rumpus room and played truth or dare with other young couples. We went to the movies just about every weekend and one crisp autumn day, we went horseback riding on her uncle's farm. Ah, Julie. So sweet and naive. So happy and uncontaminated by the world around her. Such a pretty thing, with a giggle you could die for.

Clearly, she had to go. I was in junior high, for chrissakes, and the time for horseback riding and movies was a shrinking image in the rearview mirror of pubescence. The days of liquor stolen from cabinets had arrived. The days of trembling, awkward sex were waiting just over a horizon a junior high kid could sprint to without getting very winded at all.

But we were still children, for the most part. And because of that, nobody could fault me for taking a child's way out of the pristine relationship. I told a friend and asked her to pass along the sad message to Julie. "Tell her I really like her as a friend," I might have said, with a tootsie roll dangling from my mouth for effect. "But I can't be tied down right now."

condom.jpgAh, the breakups of youth. Back then, you could get away with slipping a note into your tiresome girlfriend's hand and then skittering away like a cockroach. Later, she might send a poisonous note of her own back at you, laced with all the melodrama that can be mustered at that tender age. But by then, you were already heading toward second with that comely chick from art class and you had every intention of barreling toward third. Cue the REO Speedwagon and help me get this condom wrapper open.

sale-arrowwg1.jpgSure, it might have become slightly awkward if she had given you a gift (an arrowhead necklace) or you had given her one (a stuffed Smurf). There was that lofty decision over whether to give the gift back or keep it. But by adult standards, it was a tiny conundrum and it was worked out quickly upon the counsel of friends.

And so on. My point is that breaking up was not so hard to do when you were a young thing, whose biggest concern was whether to wear your bandana around your head or dangling from a back pocket.

It got tricky later on though, didn't it? When you were a teenager and beyond, even a friggin' phone call wasn't enough. No, you had to visit her in person, struggle for a look of sincerity, and say things like: "It's not you, it's me," or "You deserve better than I can give you," or God help you: "I've discovered that I am gay."

Actually, the gay line is the fall back position for only the most extreme breakups. I tried using it once, with a girl who smelled perpetually of mustard, and giggled through the whole thing.

I'm sure of you have a few breakup gems of your own that fall short of that extravagance. If you were the recipient of some really bad breakup lines, you have my sympathy. You have my understanding. You have my curiosity because I really, really want to hear them.

For the record, my favorite them at all comes from Homer Simpson: "Dear, baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, you."

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61 Comments

  1. Martha said,

    Well, lets see.. there was the guy who said “I never said I didn’t like you, but I never said I did either.” Believe it or not, I still consider him a friend although I haven’t seen him in probably a couple decades.
    Then there was the guy who said he was looking for “a nice christian girl” then ridiculed everything that made me what he said he was looking for. He was the one who gave me a radio for my car. He had bought it from a neighbor, but hadn’t tested it. Turned out it didn’t work. By the time we got around to discussing it, it was clear things were not going well. I went to my car, got the radio, set it inside his door and drove away. That was the end of that. I know.. pretty unexciting, huh?
    Now I’m pretty well content just being by myself.

  2. Linda said,

    My worst breakup up was in high school. I was my usual considerate, articulate self, it should have gone well, but the boy didn’t agree that we were through and stalked me around the school for two weeks, pleading and haranguing. And you know how I hate a scene!

    I never thought of telling him I was gay …

    It had a good outcome though — the guy I really wanted to go out with pulled my stalker off me during one ugly (and possibly actionable) scene and asked me out.

  3. K2 said,

    Karen Ellis dumped me hard for getting drunk for the first time, right after the 9th grade math Regeants exam. Right over the phone, the heartless bitch.

    Only time I ever got dumped. Still, it took me months to get over it.

    But I did take some girl’s virginity in college, and as soon as the ‘deed’ was done, I bailed and went back to partying. She expected me to snuggle and start a fresh relationship. Yeah, right. Beer’s on in the fraternity, babe. See ya. Let’s just say she almost certainly hates me to this day, rightly so.

  4. AO said,

    K2, you dog. You put beer ahead of a woman? Tsk, tsk, tsk.

  5. Linda said,

    Not sure she was smart enough to be in college.

  6. jarheaddoc said,

    K2, I did the math on the statement like this: beer+college girl+”This is my first time”=I hope you wrapped your rascal.

  7. Toadfrog said,

    JD,

    What was as-40 suppsed to mean??????????????

    Have a nice day.

  8. jarheaddoc said,

    Toadfrog,

    Just stop and think about it!

  9. jarheaddoc said,

    And shouldn’t it be ‘TreeTurtle’? Don’t turtles have shells?

  10. jarheaddoc said,

    Try this:

    Icelandic Domain
    Commemorating service in Iceland.

    Mine would be:
    Order of the Rock
    Transit through the Straits of Gibraltar

  11. K2 said,

    Trust me, jd, it was Buster Hymen and the Penetrators all the way. Kinda like trying ot screw a brick wall.

    Pretty sure I wrapped it, though.

    ANd no, AO, I put sex in front of beer. But sex is a very temporary thing, and beer is oh-so delicious. Poor Jo Jo. I really was a selfish ass back then. If I ever saw her again, I’d apologize. Live and learn, I guess.

  12. jarheaddoc said,

    You are just a miserable sack of shit, K2, with no feelings whatsoever for woman. You probably went about six strokes, lost a lot of points on the dismount, and got the hell out of there.

    But what really makes me mad at you i what you did to mess things up for every man who might come (pun intended) after you: none of them will have any sort of a chance of getting past the mental image of you, hanging over her, all Chinese eyed and snorting, satisfying only yourself.

    You, sir, have broken faith with all of your brothers in doing that. I will just take your apology now.

  13. K2 said,

    I’m no Jack Kennedy, sir.

  14. Linda said,

    But to give K2 the credit he DOES deserve, however little — K2! can it be true that you actually remember her name? I’m so impressed by that. That’s almost as good as marrying her and supporting her children. You know, ALMOST.

  15. K2 said,

    It was actually JoAnne, but everyone called her Jo Jo. One of those things in life I wish I could undo. I have many of those.

    But I landed my girl the following year, in ’89, and have been with her ever since. Now there’s a woman who deseves some sympathy. . . .

  16. AO said,

    Eh, K2 did what most guy’s did in their younger days. The only difference is that, he’s feeling remorse for how he treated Jo-Jo. I don’t know of too many guy’s that would feel that way. And, I’ve met K2, I agree with him. His wife does deserve sympathy.

  17. K2 said,

    And a good divorce lawyer.

  18. LaFlamme said,

    Men are pigs.

  19. Linda said,

    I have just one more thing to say about Jo-Jo & then back to work.

    She’d probably rather undo it too. Besides remembering that you were a jerk, I expect she’s always felt like a jerk about it herself. I mean, to a college girl it should be no big news flash that men do that.

    Besides, K2, and I’m trying to choose SFW words here, a virgin college girl in 1988 would probably have been willing to pay YOU for a no-strings-attached way to lose it, whatever carrying-she had to pretend to do to preserve her self image.

  20. LaFlamme said,

    Yeesh, layoff the brother. A quick in/out and a vanishing act in college is nothing by today’s standards. These days, you hear about fraternity rape, humiliation and all forms of nastiness. And it works both ways. How about those Girls Gone Wild? They don’t look vulnerable and fragile to me. Not that I watch that smut.

  21. K2 said,

    Well, the fact is, I totally played her to get in her pants. She really did her best to say no. But I ket badgering her — men will honestly say ANYTHING to get some — and she finally relented, because she honestly thought I was serious. I really was awfully manipulative. It wasn’t her fault that she got throoughly deceived by me.

    And who said it was quick? . . . I spell ‘Him,’ H . . . I . . . M. Ain’t that a man.

  22. LaFlamme said,

    When worst comes to worse, think of Don Zimmer.

  23. Anonymous said,

    Don Zimmer liked to squeeze bunt when the bases were loaded.

  24. jarheaddoc said,

    Don Zimmer admitted to having a hole in his head where he hid his dope, too

  25. Linda said,

    Just to be clear — that Anonymous wasnt me.

    I am in dial up hell tonight. I’ll check in when I can though

    K2, get over it, mate, forgive yourself. It’s time. All this excessive remorse is just counterproductive.

  26. Mainetarr said,

    Ahhh yes, I have been dumped too. Not fun. In High School, my first “real” boyfriend dumped me because his mother told him to. I got my drivers license and she was an old French Catholic woman I had never met and she thought I was too “fast and independant” for her baby boy. I was 16 and he was 17. Do I feel bad about it? Hell, no!! I would buy her a bottle of champaign today. She saved me from getting involved with a friggen momma’s boy. I hear he is married with 2 kids and lives in the apartment upstairs from his mother in Biddeford. POS. His wife must be a winner. LOL

    I once got to do the dumping and it is much more fun being on this end. He had a motorcycle which was stored at my house and I found out he was seeing his ex behind my back. I called an old friend, we loaded up the bike into the back of his truck and drove over to the girlfriends house. We pulled into the yard, I got out and went to the door. I rang the bell and the skanky whore answered. I asked her where “he” was, then caught him out of the corner of my eye. She said she didn’t know, so I asked again, a little meaner this time. She said she still didn’t know. I told her I knew he was there to send him out to get his bike out of the truck. I would wait for 30 seconds then unload it myself. I went outside, waited 30 seconds, opened the tailgait and pushed the bike into the driveway. No ramp, just a big drop. The bike crashed into the driveway, into a big pile of shit, quite like that guy was. He walked out of the door just in time to see it hit the ground. I said, “We’re done, don’t call me again.” He was a wreck all shaking and upset saying it wasn’t what I thought, bla bla bla….I didn’t even answer him. Just got in the truck with my buddy and left. We went to the Cage, had a few beers and that was that. After a week, he stopped calling. I will admit, it was WAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY easier being the one doing the dumping.

  27. K2 said,

    Excessive remorse? I was elucidating, Linda, regarding your #19 post. It’s not like a have a gun in my mouth here. Far from it. Unless a PBR can is a loaded weapon.

    Rain . . . rain . . . raaaaaiiiin — the weather’s shit.

  28. Linda said,

    Glad to hear, K2

    MT, I finally see why I was stalked and terrorized when I broke up with that high school chump — i was too nice! All these years later, i realize that if i’d seriously trashed something of his, he wouldn’t have hung around and embarrassed and scared me for so long. What was I thinking? It would have been so easy, like shooting ducks in a barrel. If I could go back and have that moment again …

    This is an a-ha moment for me, thank you for sharing your story.

  29. hedonisticpleasureseeker said,

    Wow. I’ve blacked all mine out; I simply do not remember. I don’t even remember how I asked my (now ex) husband for a divorce. I don’t think I actually did. I think I told him I wanted my own house and I think he took the hint.

    As for being dumped myself? It’s happened, and it was dramatic and miserable of course. They used “phone fade” tactics until I demanded an explanation. I have no idea what they said. In the end I always ended up so GRATEFUL for it anyway.

  30. jarheaddoc said,

    I was the one who wanted out of my first marriage. It was not an easy thing to do, but I never should have gotten into the marriage in the first place. I accept my portion of the blame for it.

    She took my phone, washer, dryer, furniture, left me two plates, a fork, a knife, and the house payment. The worst part was that she took my favorite hammer. I still miss that hammer. hey, it was a godd goddam hammer!

    Oh, she did leave intact the canoe I was building at the time.

  31. LaFlamme said,

    Ah, now we’re talking divorce. That’s the big league of break ups. Do tell, people. Do tell.

  32. Mainetarr said,

    Never been divorced. But one thing I can guarantee, if, God forbid, I ever do get divorced, it will be the first and last one. Not that my marriage is bad or anything like that at all, I just wouldn’t do it again. I am one of those freaks that liked being single. I have seen some nasty divorces in my lifetime. A good friend of mine just went through a real battle. He got soooo screwed. Come to think of it, I have never heard of a woman getting the shaft in a divorce. Have you guys?

  33. LaFlamme said,

    I’ve always said that, should I get divorced, my wife is entitled to half of everything I’ve got. Ha! That’ll fix her. It won’t even fill up a shoebox.

  34. Linda said,

    No divorce stories from me either. And I’ve been married so long, I can’t remember whether I liked being single or not. I think I may have, but I was in college and that didn’t really count — everything was fun.

  35. jarheaddoc said,

    Mark, it’s not the posessions that hurt, it’s the testicle they take. Half of everything, remember?

  36. hedonisticpleasureseeker said,

    I know some women who were royally screwed. I know one woman whose attorney took a bribe (from her ex’s father), and she ended up with practically NOTHING (the attorney eventually got caught and went to jail). I know of two others who’ve had to pay alimony to their ex-husbands.

    Still, most “screwing” of women in divorces happen when the ex bails out on the child support. Bottom line: Divorce sucks! Everyone’s quality of life temporarily suffers. But in the long run, it’s almost always for the best.

  37. LaFlamme said,

    Dude, ouch.

  38. Anonymous said,

    So, JD, does that mean you only have one nut left?

  39. Linda said,

    Hey that wasn’t me either I swear, though I did wonder. Makes me wonder about a lot of men I know

  40. Linda said,

    And also about a lot of the women I know for that matter

  41. AO said,

    What are you wondering about, Linda?

  42. Linda said,

    Oh, for example .. how many men are going around with one testicle? How do they compensate for that? What happens if they get divorced again? what do my women friends have in their underwear drawers? stuff like that

  43. AO said,

    Well, I have underwear in my underwear drawer. As for men with ony one testicle…I have no idea what they’d do. But, if it’s any consolation, I know of one guy who is on his fourth marriage and another whose contemplating his fourth. Losers. But, I guess they both must still have their balls.

  44. jarheaddoc said,

    I used it as a figure of speech, as in “i would just about give my left nut to get rid of the bitch.”

    And the women are the ones who brought up the underwear subject tonight, I must point out.

  45. Linda said,

    I guess it would take balls to be contemplating a fourth marriage wouldn’t it

    No dumper /dumpee stories for us AO? or did you tell any and i missed them from over here in dial up land

  46. Linda said,

    I used “underwear drawer” as a figure of speech too jd

  47. jarheaddoc said,

    Any man who is getting married for the fourth time is either addicted to wedding cake or completely fucked in the head. What’s the saying? Screw me once, shame on me, screw me twice, shame on you? Four marriages? what, does this guy just like giving away all of his shit?

    You can make your own wedding cake, for God sake, but as far as being fucked in the head? We have pills and a lot of people with fancy letters after their names for that!

  48. jarheaddoc said,

    Strictly in trying to look at both sides of a pending FOURTH marriage, has it occurred to the future bride that there is something wrong with this guy? and maybe she should look inward, too. Maybe they should just shack up and live in sin until they can find their next ex-spouse.

  49. Linda said,

    Nice of you to look at it from the brides side too jd, i was just going to mention that. Although one of my 8 brothers in law is on his 4th marriage and he’s happy as a pig in shit, and so is his wife. Sometimes persistence pays off.

    Of course they ARE kind of poor, but very happy

  50. Linda said,

    I did a recount — I have 9 BILs actually

  51. jarheaddoc said,

    My father always claimed that marriage was a man made law. Is the marriage ceremony even in the Bible?

    You look at marriage across the cultures and it’s interesting, actually. Like that whole thing about a dowry. Let’s see, you’re paying me to take her off your hands, and she becomes my property? What dumb young man wouldn’t jump at that opportunity. Poor bastards could never see past the end of their cranks, though: mothers in law. ‘Nuff said on that!

  52. Linda said,

    how do dowry and MIL compare to raiding the next tribe and dragging the women to your own campfire?

    theoretically of course. I’m assuming you don’t have personal experience of both

  53. jarheaddoc said,

    Uh, let me put this in the proper context, Linda: the dowry is eventually used up, the mother in law is around until she dies, versus going to the next camp, picking out the ones you want, and being able to do it over and over again with no in laws involved in things? You can see where I’d be placing my vote.

    I didn’t get a dowry, but mother and grandmother in law I did get. I’m surprised the two didn’t give my ex-wife a chastity belt for a wedding gift.

  54. Linda said,

    I thought that might be your context.

    Well it’s not like home where I can stay up as late as I want and ignore all responsibility while I gab on the blog. And they say you can’t go back in time! Gotta run, see you tomorrow (figuratively speaking)

  55. jarheaddoc said,

    Okay. I just took the first batch of fresh yeast rolls out of the oven. I can feel my arteries clogging and my waist expanding at just the thought of tearing into those bad boys

  56. Martha said,

    Diivorce…. In my case, a topic better left alone. I can assure you, I’d have nothing good to say about the ex, or his mother.

  57. Mainetarr said,

    My mother in law HATES me, absolutely HATES me. She is positive that Chris married wayyyyyyyy beneath him. When my parents died, she did not even send a card. Christmas, she sent a card to Chris, not me. No Mr. and Mrs.–just to him. On the rare occassions she may call our house and I answer the phone, she says, “Is Chris there?” no hello Gail, how are you, no nothing. Nada. At first, it used to piss me off, but they live in Chicago now, so screw it. Now I just laugh at her. Loser. Just because you have a little $$ doesn’t make you any better than anyone else.

  58. LaFlamme said,

    What the hell? How could anyone feel that way about Mainetarr? That’s a phenomenal lack of taste and judgement. Their loss, man.

  59. Mainetarr said,

    thanks Calvin you da best….

  60. Martha said,

    MT.. I hear ya.. my ex is his mother’s oldest, but she always babied him because he’s diabetic. Partly because she always did for him and partly because he’s too lazy to take care of himself, he’s never made much of an effort to control it..
    Anyway, when I married him she was mad at me for taking her baby away from here.. When we divorced, she was mad at me for giving him back.. I couldn’t win for losing. AH well, they are there and I’m here, and I sure don’t miss them.

  61. Omnius said,

    I couldn’t fit everything I needed to write about this into a single comment, and I wanted to do it right, so I wrote up my response as a separate entry that you can find on my site over here.

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