Stick it

June 11, 2006 at 5:45 pm (Uncategorized)

The coolest T-shirt I have is a bright blue one with a giant Foghorn Leghorn on the front. In bold white letters, the message says: "Chicks dig me!" It's basic, too the point and unlikely to offend even the most sensitive of prudes.

t-shirt54.gifBack in high school, a buddy of mine was ordered to remove a T-shirt that stated: "No more Mr. Nice Guy. On your knees, bitch." I knew a pair of girls who liked to wear T-shirts with dueling messages. One's shirt said: "I screw whatever I kill." The other's proclaimed: "I kill whatever I screw." Except, they weren't using the word screw, if you get my meaning.

Funny, funny stuff, all of it. But you need to pick your audience. I heard from lady today who was appalled by the sight of a t-shirt she spotted worn at a graduation. In high white letters, the shirt listed all seven words that are banned on American television stations. I'm sure you can come up with each of those words if you replay the old George Carlin routine in your head. I mean, what kind of butt tard wears a shirt like that to an event likely to be populated by doting grandmothers and children? It doesn't even had the redeeming quality of being funny.

Bumper stickers, too. You see some nasty ones out there. And wrack my brain as I might, I can't come up with a vile example. I'll leave that to you perverts. My favorite bumper sticker has always been the one that warns: "I think you left your iron on."

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61 Comments

  1. Omnius said,

    The only bumper sticker to actually make me laugh said, “See you at the next light.”

  2. LaFlamme said,

    Jesus Saves! By clipping coupons and shopping wisely!

  3. LaFlamme said,

    I did date a bisexual pagan once. She had a bumper sticker that said: “Sorry I missed church today. I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.”
    And I lived across from one church and next to another one when she used to visit.

  4. Linda said,

    Here’s one that made me laugh: “I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.”

  5. LaFlamme said,

    Oooh. Deep.

  6. Linda said,

    And a cartoon I saw a long time ago: A mother saying “what do you mean, they sent you home from school because your T shirt’s dirty? I washed all your T shirts yesterday.” and on the back of his shirt, 2 pigs humping and the slogan “Makin’ Bacon.” Might have been Larson, not sure.

  7. Linda said,

    You lived next to two churches, did you, Mark? Did that put any pressure on you to behave well? No I guess probably not.

  8. LaFlamme said,

    It’s kind of funny. I lived in an apartment above Sams pizza on Main Street. Giant steeple right outside my window, another to the right. There WERE times when it was a bit of a buzz kill to have the House of God staring down on me.

  9. Linda said,

    Yeah, Mark, I can imagine that about the churches. I grew up across the street from my Catholic school and church, with the convent on the other side. I always felt as if the walls had eyes. There was a really private alley, between a building and a head-high wall — it was the perfect spot for clandestine activities, except for (or maybe because of??) the risk of a pair of nuns sailing around the corner with little warning.

  10. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. It’s just really daunting when your breaking eight of the ten commandments all at once and they you look out to see a giant cross gleaming at you.

  11. Linda said,

    I was just a kid, I can’t recall breaking that many at a time. No I’m positive I didn’t.

  12. LaFlamme said,

    I still like: “Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.”

  13. Linda said,

    Growing up there, and in a small town in general, probably explains why I liked living in a city where you have at least the possibility of some anonymity when you want it.

    Though once, in New Zealand, I was walking along a remote beach about 400 miles from where I lived, on a winter day, with nobody else in sight, talking (as I do), and I heard a voice from the other side of a sand dune saying, Linda? is that you? So there are no guarantees.

  14. Linda said,

    Well I wasnt talking to myself, I was with another person

  15. Linda said,

    I saw a bumper sticker for K2: “Hemp, hemp, hooray!”

  16. LaFlamme said,

    Ha! Perrrrfect.

  17. jarheaddoc said,

    I have several shirts that my wife has gotten for me. One is an astronaut looking at a bunch of asses on legs, with the caption “Welcome to Uranus!

    Another shows two naked at the tub, a boy and a girl, with the boy saying , “No you can’t touch it, you already broke your’s off.” I have to shake my head at the people who find this one offensive. One guy accused me of promoting child pornography and I told him that the boy in the picture was just too young to udnerstand his biology and could very well be chasing the guy’s daughter when his hormones kicked in. He was not impressed with that response. Asshat fucktard!

    I always liked the one where one safe had mounted another: Safe Sex!

  18. K2 said,

    Yeah, that omnipresent cross must’ve been a downer when you lived a life of sin. I always thought Bill Hicks had a good point when he said that the last thing Christ would want to see it a cross. He DID have a rather rough experience on one.

    Some, hopefully not-too offensive, other bumber stickers:

    Jesus Saves, passes to Moses, he shoots: Score!

    I don’t care WHO you are, you’re not walking on the water while I’m fishing.

    Christ died for YOU?

  19. K2 said,

    I do have a T-shirt with the Cotton logo with a hemp leaf in it, and it says ‘Cotton Mouth.’

  20. Linda said,

    jd, a variation on your shirt, only for environmentalists: a roll of toilet paper that says, “Be kind to the Earth, it’s not Uranus.”

  21. Linda said,

    I know one for Omnius too: “All generalizations are false.”

  22. Linda said,

    And one for Mark: “If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.”

  23. Fred said,

    I like the one my husband wares.”If you can read this the bitch fell off”.Bought it for him actually.

  24. LaFlamme said,

    Oooh, baby! I gotta have that bumper sticker, Linda. My sentiments exactly.

  25. Anonymous said,

    Good one Fred — I’ll watch for it!

  26. jarheaddoc said,

    “It will be a good day for the world when the Air Force has to hald a bake sale to buy a bomber and schools have all the stuff they need”

  27. jarheaddoc said,

    “If it has tires or testicles, it will cause you nothing but trouble”

  28. jarheaddoc said,

    And one I’m sure you’ll never see: You drive like old people fuck!

  29. jarheaddoc said,

    “My wife, yes, my dog, maybe, My guns: when they pry them from my cold, dead hands”

    Fear the government that fears your right to own firearms”

  30. Linda said,

    Got #27 on your truck, jd?

  31. Linda said,

    Tying in a couple of themes: “God WAS my copilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.”

  32. jarheaddoc said,

    I’m trying to figure out someway to make the saying fit on that damn outboard, Linda!

  33. Linda said,

    I have a big supply of paint stirring sticks you could have, maybe you could nail them together into a plaque.

  34. jarheaddoc said,

    Or start a bonfire for things that have been bugging me lately. Fire is very therapeutic.

  35. Linda said,

    Do you mean start a bonfire and burn the things that are bugging you? Aside from the motor, are your troubles that concrete? well that’s not the right word — I mean, are they actual things that you could throw on a fire?

    Most of the things that bug me are more abstract. But yes, fire would be therapeutic anyhow. My favorite poem — Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice… just saying it calms me; when my thoughts are all jagged, Frost’s work restores the sine wave.

  36. jarheaddoc said,

    Sometimes it’s nice to see your problems go up in flames, a variation on the theme of writing them on papaer, then throwing them out to get rid of them. But really I like to just sit in front of the fire and let my mind wander. Never know what good sayings will come out of the thought process!

  37. jarheaddoc said,

    I am calling it a very early night. I am wiped from the trip and the headache on the way back and the thought of having to go back to work after the brief vacation makes me groan, too.

  38. Linda said,

    Good night.

  39. Mainetarr said,

    Fire is very good therapy. I think I have burned the equlivent of the Florida Everglades in my little firepit over the last few months. Damn job, sometimes.

  40. Mainetarr said,

    I always liked the sticker “Mean People Suck”. Currently, I have two on my back window. One says Save Maine Impeach Baldacchi and the other one is a Pink Room bumper sticker. Both get a lot of attention.

  41. AO said,

    Funniest t-shirt I ever saw said: Hookt on Fonix reely werkt fer me!

  42. Mainetarr said,

    How about, “The Gene Pool Could Use A Little Chlorine”

  43. Linda said,

    MT, I’m there too (#39). Monday morning hasn’t been good to me, and Monday afternoon through Wednesday morning don’t look great either. I’ll have to think about a little bonfire.

  44. Mainetarr said,

    I am already thinking about what I will be burning tonight. Friggen stress. Fire really does work. I also bought a book entirely in French that I am going to start soon. If I can’t figure it out, I will burn it. hahahahahaha

    Hurricane warning issued for Florida’s gulf coast. Here we go again…..

  45. K2 said,

    Another reason why not wearing a motorcycle helmet is retarded. Big Ben’s crash:

    http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/football/nfl/06/12/bc.fbn.apnewsalert.ap/index.html?cnn=yes

  46. Crystal said,

    A few of my fav bumper stickers “I need to find a florist to send 2 bushes to Iraq”, For the election “Lick Bush and Dick” and “We’ve been amBUSHed!” and “Bush is Sauron…Save the Shire!”
    and “we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we ar spiritual beings having a human experience”

  47. hedonisticpleasureseeker said,

    My all time favorites, seen at pagan festivals:

    JESUS IS COMING: LOOK BUSY

    My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma

    I can’t remember your name either

  48. Linda said,

    ‘If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.”

  49. AO said,

    “Beer Is Proof That God Loves Us and Wants Us to Be Happy”

    “I Know About Stressed – It’s Desserts Spelled Backwards”

    “If a Man Speaks in a Forest Where No Woman Can Hear, Is He Still Wrong?”

    “Beauty Is in the Eye of the Beer Holder”

    24 Hours in a Day, 24 Beers in a Case – Coincidence?” ,

  50. Linda said,

    GOOD ONES, AO!!!!!

  51. K2 said,

    Agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonius.

    I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.

    Why be born again, when you can just grow up?

    Atheists aren’t perfect….just evolving.

    In case of rapture, can I have your car?

    Give me some of that old-time religion . . . Hail Zeus.

    Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

    Who took the fun out of ‘fundamentalism’?

  52. AO said,

    What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It’s All About?

    Objects Under This T-Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear.

    Beer; Helping Ugly People Have Sex Since 1869

    If Going to Church Makes You a Christian, Does Going to a Garage Make You a Car?

  53. jarheaddoc said,

    “if the hood of your car gets any closer to the bumper of mine, I will flick a booger on your windshield”

  54. K2 said,

    I started with nothing, and I have most of it left.

    Buckle Up: It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car.

    I do whatever my Rice Crispies tell me to.

    If you can read this, you’re not the President.

  55. Linda said,

    K2: I’m not reading any more of yours until I get home from work, because they’re making me laugh while I’m trying to look serious!!!

  56. AO said,

    Frankly, Scallop, I Don’t Give a Clam.

    I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts – Do You Want Fries With That?

    West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names.

    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose.

    POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN …. Cops have nothing to go on.

  57. Richie said,

    Hey Linda; I just saw your previous post asking what DO I do for fun.

    I built my own computer; I use it to play computer games such as “Half Life 2” or “Battlefield 2” or “Civ III”, for example.

    I read Sci-Fi and History; I have so many books I converted my daughters bedroom to a library when she grew up and moved out. My specialty is WW-II German Ops / Eastern Front; but I also am studying Medieval Economic systems.

    I collect German WW-II militaria. I used to be active in Boy Scouting; I still collect Boy Scout memorabilia. I collect and shoot military firearms. I’m writing a book (probably never be published) about where was every American unit on 7 Dec 41.
    I’m also looking for someone to translate some German documents for me.

    I keep busy. And then I harass people on here too.

  58. LaFlamme said,

    “What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about…”
    Claaaaaaaaassic.

  59. Linda said,

    Hey, thanks for the report, Richie. So nice to know that we have one thing in common. (Your last thing)

  60. AO said,

    Linda, You harass people?

  61. Linda said,

    In my own obscure way, AO. I prefer it when only the victim realizes it’s harassment. I think Omnius might know what I mean.

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