Look away, I’m hideous

June 12, 2006 at 4:44 pm (Uncategorized)


It never dawned on me that you were such a nice bunch of people. Here I've been parading around as a ghastly, ghastly man and no one even mentioned it. Except for one or two comments from Weasel. And maybe a passing slam from Mainetarr and one or two from AO. And now that I think of it, Jarhead may have mentioned I look like Don Knotts after an industrial accident. And Linda might have said something about my face and a dog's ass. And Treehugger with that line about how my nose must have its own gravity…

Now that I think of it, you're all mean bastards. But who can blame you? I'm a horribly disfigured writer who looks like Karl Malden on a heroin bender. Or Pee Wee Herman after his face was sucked into a vacuum cleaner. But I'll leave the rest to you.

LaFlamme61.jpgAbove is the caricature done of me to announce the new b section of the newspaper. All things considered, I think it's better than the last one, shown here. When that one was revealed, one of you wits suggested I looked like an elderly Italian goat farmer. You really are mean bastards, you know.


  1. Linda said,

    Mark, you look nothing like Pee Wee Herman or Karl Malden. I’ll grant you, I’d be slightly happier about things if your two eyes were the same size as each other, but aside from that, what’s to complain about??

  2. K2 said,

    What? Do you get a free bowl of soup with that face?

    Don Knotts had a bastard child with Bill the Cat? *Ack!*

    Ummm, Mark, they’re doing amazing things with plastic surgery and/or Adobe illustrator these days.

    At least nobody mentioned your rather humungous ears. Phew.

  3. LaFlamme said,

    Wow. Four burns in a row. That’s pretty good.

  4. K2 said,

    On short notice, no less.

  5. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    Mark, whoever drew that gave you a rather bulbous nose and a hooded sweatshirt that resembles the one in the sketch of the Unibomber.

  6. K2 said,

    And the illustrator left your tongue out? Whatever happened to artistic integrity?

  7. AO said,

    HA!! I saw that picture yesterday and I knew it was you right away. I mentioned it to my husband, I commented on what a nice picture it was. His reply was, Is THAT who that is?

  8. Anonymous said,

    I saw a photo that MT sent — I think the puppy might have bitten his tongue off. I was worried about that. Now I see it’s probably true. Bad puppy.

  9. AO said,

    I think the artist captured a great likeness with this drawing. I thought the one of Flamette was adorable.

  10. LaFlamme said,

    I mean, it looks like I FEEL sometimes. But, seriously. I look like I’m either constipated or I just swallowed an entire lemon.

  11. AO said,

    I think it looks like you just gave birth to a watermelon.

  12. K2 said,

    Or you’re getting an unannounced prostate exam. ‘Ah, doc, you got the whole fist in? Moon River. . . .’

  13. LaFlamme said,

    And what happened to my beautiful full lips?

  14. AO said,

    You have beautiful full lips?

  15. LaFlamme said,

    Well, yeah! I keep them in an emergency kit in my car.

  16. Linda said,

    All things considered, it’s definitely better than the goat farmer sketch. Gotta agree with that.

    Looking at the big picture though — can’t wait to see what they’ll do with the b section. More of Mark being Mark?

  17. AO said,

    I think he should write an article on all of his faithful bloggers. Better yet, he should put us all in his next book. He does write horror, after all!

  18. LaFlamme said,

    There’s talk of getting blogs to go with the new b section. *snicker*

  19. Mainetarr said,

    WOW, you weren;t shitting me when you said they gave you a huge nose. WTF? And you have summer eyes. Summer going this way, summer going that way.

  20. K2 said,

    Give me a twisted, abstract portrait over a realist, art-as-life one any day. It ain’t Ralph Steadman, but the fact is, it’s pretty cool. Fuck, man, you’re a goddam cartoon character now. Deep on soooooo many levels.

  21. K2 said,

    Oh yeah, your lips: Puckered like a sphincter on the first day in prison.

  22. K2 said,

    yeah, he is hawt, as Nadine would say.

  23. K2 said,

    Ummm, #22 ain’t me.

  24. Mainetarr said,

    Hey, that was me, not K2. Sorry about that K2, I am not sure why your name came up there.

  25. Mainetarr said,

    That was weird. Again, sorry about that, that is the second time that has happened to me. Freaky….very freaky. Fastbreaks tomorrow night, K2?

  26. Mainetarr said,

    Where the hell is everyone tonight? Looks like it’s just you and me Kris.

  27. Linda said,

    I remember when that happened to you before MT. Computer haunted?

    BTW does everyone realize that it’s just over a week to the summer solstice?

  28. Linda said,

    I’m sort of here too. Here and there.

  29. AO said,

    I LOVE the summer solstice. Hopefully it will be a “non rain” day.

  30. Linda said,

    One place I used to live, there was a hill just to the west and I could get a great view of the changing position of the sunsets. I love the solstice too.

  31. AO said,

    Well, let’s hope for good weather, Linda.

  32. Mainetarr said,

    How’s it going Linda? How was work today? Did it get any better as the day went on?

  33. AO said,

    But, seriously Mark. If you wrote a column about all of us bloggers, you could get…NEW bloggers! Think of it! NEW bloggers! Hey, maybe we could get another “Dan”.

  34. AO said,

    MT, How’s Milo doing? Feeling any better? Are his worms gone?

  35. Linda said,

    Ah, MT, it was a rotten morning but the afternoon actually was better. Still, when I got home and looked in the mirror, my hair was sticking up here and there where I’d been clutching it. I tell the people in my office to TELL ME when my hair is like that but they think it’s more entertaining to just let it stick up. (hard to get good staff, eh? ūüôā )

    AO, new bloggers! That would be fun! I mean, when new bloggers start up, I don’t mind sniping at them a bit but then I get to like them and it feels too mean. So — bring on the new bloggers!!

  36. Mainetarr said,

    He’s great. No worms, all housebroken at a ripe age of 7 weeks. Life is good for Milo. He went to Borders to visit Uncle Mark on Saturday, too. He was a hit.

  37. Mainetarr said,

    Speaking of hair, I am getting permed on Wednesday. I want loose curls for the summer. Waaaaaayyyyyyyyy easier to do in the morning.

  38. Linda said,

    Loose curls — sounds good. Tell us how you like it when it’s done OK?

  39. K2 said,

    Yes, yes, Fastbreaks, manana. Archie now has an electric bassist, Frank, joining him. Frank plays with ‘Shake, Rattle and Roll,’ if any of you locals have heard of ’em. Oldies, but goodies. Anyhow, I’ll be there, come hell or high water. They start at 8 and play till 11.

  40. AO said,

    Isn’t Fast Breaks tomorrow night?

  41. LaFlamme said,

    No, free beer is tomorrow.

  42. Anonymous said,

    But not at Fastbreaks I bet!

  43. K2 said,

    Yes, be there or be square.

  44. "The Weasel" said,

    Put ears, a nose, and eyes on my ass …..and I’ve found your twin brother

  45. Linda said,

    K2, have you noticed … in the sky …. stars!! No rain!!

  46. Martha said,

    Interesting.. I excaped Mark’s list.. does that mean I’m the exception to the rule?

  47. Linda said,

    Martha, I’d be guessing that even with his huge imagination, he couldn’t imagine you insulting him.

  48. Martha said,

    LOL Linda.. Well, if I ever have, it wasn’t intentional.. I’m not sure if that would be considered a good thing or not…

  49. K2 said,

    Here comes the sun king
    Here comes the sun king
    Everybody’s laughing
    Everybody’s happy
    Here comes the sun king

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