It’s that simple

June 21, 2006 at 12:31 am (Uncategorized)


I don't know how my wife puts up with me. In addition to my obvious shortcomings (I'm actually just four feet, nine inches tall, I have a beastial fixation, a wart on the tip of my nose and I've killed people), I've developed a new bad habit. I simply cannot sit down at a restaurant without informing the waiter or waitress that "I'll have the roast duck. With the mango sauce."

The couch potatoes among you will recognize the line immediately. It's those whacky cavemen from the Geiko commercials. Is it me? Or are those Geiko ad campaigns hysterical? I mean, I thought they hit it out of the ballpark with the talking gecko. But that ball has been sailing over the left field wall for more than a year and now they have the literate, cultured cavemen.

Man, oh man. I'm dabbing tears of hysteria from my eyes as we speak. A caveman! Ordering roast duck with a mango sauce! And, do you remember the very first episode? Where the anchorman announced that "it's so simple, even a caveman can do it?" And the caveman came lunging out of the studio yelling: "That is NOT cool!" Brilliant, man. Sheery hilarity.

So, I'm pretty sure I'm getting a divorce.



  1. Martha said,

    HMMMM.. and I thought the geico commercials all fell well within the “hire an idiot to write your commercial” syndrome. I love my mute button. I CANNOT stand commercials.

  2. Omnius said,

    TiVo lets me skip them. Between that and having shows on DVD, I still get confused if I am at someone else’s house and they are sitting through commercials.

  3. Martha said,

    I hate it when my daughter doesn’t mute the commercials when she watches TV, which is a good deal more than I do.

  4. Mainetarr said,

    Oh, I love commercials, especially during the Superbowl. I also couldn’t order a beer for Chris without saying Bud-Weis-Er then croaking like a frog. Freaking hysterical. And I can’t count the times I have seen someone on a cell phone and yelled, “Can you hear me now?” Can you say New York City without saying it loudly with a question mark after it, like on the salsa commercials? I can’t. I still have a couple of bonehead friends who will call me on a conference call screaming whazup? over and over. Cacks me up everytime. The only commercial I didn’t like was for Vonage with that woo=woo woo ohh whoo song. That one used to drive me crazy. I couldn’t get the song out of my head. Oh, and another commercial I love is “Bob” who calls for that “male enhancement” drug, Enzyte. When he dives in the pool and loses his shorts and all his neighbors get to see his enhancement. The look on the black guys face is priceless.

  5. AO said,

    I love the Gieko commercials. I think that every single one of them are hilarious. My daughter, on the other hand, hates them all. She’s been known to run screaming from the room, covering her ears, when one comes on. So, I get double the humor when one comes on.

    Happy Summer Solstice to you all! Especially you, Linda! 🙂

    Mark, WTF? No column on the Solstice?

  6. Linda said,

    Hey, I’m with you AO. Great post Mark, I love commercials too and I’ll probably drop everything and bolt to the computer with new favorites a few times today once I’ve had coffee and can think.

    But geez, Mark, I was so sure you’d blog about the soltice. I mean, the soltice, mate! all the dark mystery of it. What’s up with no soltice blog? Hate to complain but I had my heart set on it.

    Ah well, if we all survive the next six months, there’s always the winter solstice. That’s the thing, the inevitability of it. We just keep doing our thing while the earth keeps on turning, no help required from us. Thank Christ — imagine if we were in charge of THAT!

  7. AO said,

    He DID say that some people weren’t prepared for it. Maybe he was talking about himself.

  8. jarheaddoc said,

    I always liked that commercial from volkswagen about the two guys driving down the street who find a chair and pick it up and then leave it on someone else’s trash heap.

  9. Linda said,

    Here’s one I don’t like: the girl throwing mud on two Jeeps to decide which color she’ll buy.

  10. Linda said,

    Good morning jd. No work today?

  11. Bobbie said,

    While we were living in Germany, we had to fly back for a family emergency. We stayed with my parents and while everyone else got up during the commercials, we stayed and watched them. It’s amazing what you’ll watch when you only have Armed Forces Network commercials to view.

    I will admit that one of them was funny-a guy is talking during a movie and the cowboy on screen shoots the guy’s bucket of popcorn and tells the talker to be quiet.

    I found an old program that I had recorded while we were there (Jimmy McBean and His Flying Machine) and wondered how we ever managed to make it thru with things supposedly passing for commercials bombarding us every day. Who in the heck needs a 30 second refresher course on how to iron fatigues?

  12. Martha said,

    Has anyone else been reading Jean/Dan’s recent salvos on LSJ? I think I let him/her know about what I thought of the crap this morning.. and I rather enjoyed it. Its on the blog about volunteering.

  13. Bobbie said,

    There was one commercial that reminded me of a family member every time that I saw it-the two squirrels in the middle of the road and the car swerves to avoid them and the car wrecks. My kids would always say, “That wouldn’t be Uncle So and So-he’d run the suckers down in a heartbeat!” The family member dislikes squirrels with a passion and will go out of his way to hit them while they’re in the road.

  14. Bobbie said,

    I did see your postings on the Medicare Part D issue. Why is it that you post something and he goes after you and I post something and he leaves me alone? I’m beginning to feel left out here.

  15. Martha said,

    Bobby, I think maybe partly because I haven’t been bashful about pointing out what an idiot he is.
    And I’m blunt about it when I do.

  16. Linda said,

    This one’s for you, AO: a very little girl at a piano, painfully playing one of the simple beginner songs, with her little brother watching. She finally finishes, jumps up and grabs the phone that was on the top of the piano. She’s hopping with excitement as she screams, “what do you think of THAT, Grandma?”

    That’s the whole commercial. New Zealand Telecom.

  17. Linda said,

    Christ, I’m sentimental this week, eh? Too much time on my hands. It’s this damned vacation.

  18. Bobbie said,

    Thanks, Linda, now I have that song stuck in my head. Gotta put on some Meatloaf just to get rid of the Styx this morning.

    Keep up the good work aggravating Jean, Martha. You do a good job of it.

  19. Bobbie said,

    The Meatloaf reference was just for you today, AO.

  20. Martha said,

    Bobby, I sure try. I’m guessing he/she hasn’t yet read my most recent comment on the volunteer blog.. I’m likely to hear the explosion clear down here in PA when he/she does.

  21. Bobbie said,

    There was a post after yours that you should read. It seems that Jean is on the losing end of things today.

  22. Anonymous said,

    Mark, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just got home and now I have my SJ and read your beautiful column about the solstice. It was wonderful, and I should have realized it would be in the paper first, not here. It’s easy to forget that you have other things to do besides entertain us, succubi that we must seem sometimes. Really, I should never make a comment on the blog before I drink a quart of coffee because I hardly ever know what I’m talking about.

    So again, I apologize. It was a really beautiful column.

    Can you put it here later?

  23. AO said,

    Oops! Well, I guess I owe you an apology too. But, in all fairness, I still don’t have my newspaper! And, I probably won’t get it till later this afternoon and, probably won’t read it till tomorrow. But…sorry.

  24. Bobbie said,

    Good photo of you two, AO and Linda. Leave it to Mainetarr to put it under the heading of “Milo”!

  25. AO said,

    That’s because, in that photo, I look just like Milo! 🙂

  26. jarheaddoc said,

    Here’s another commercial I really liked: a kid gets a bunch of electronic toys for Christmas and the toys are taking over the house and terrorizing the kid’s favortie bunny. the bunny looks lost until the kid comes out, kicks the noise makers aside, and grabs the rabbit before he heads to bed.

    Linda, you need to stop posting under annonymous: your writing style is pretty distinctive even without the ‘eh,mate?’ you forget in #22.

  27. LaFlamme said,

    Wow. Scolded for the lack of a solstice column. I’ll post that one later. I just wanted to play with the funny cavemen first.

  28. Linda said,

    Yeah, that was me. My husband was standing by the door saying are you ready? lets go, when can we go? are you ready? come on, lets go … so I didn’t notice that I was anonymous.

    I’m still sorry. Blog whatever you like, Mark, and the cavemen are great.

  29. Linda said,

    You know jd, if I were really trying to be anonymous, I’d probably at least try to disguise my style. I probably could.

  30. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah, see if you still feel that way if we ever go out to eat. I’ll order the roast DUCK. With the mango SAUCE. Every time.

  31. Linda said,

    Believe me, my husband’s restaurant ordering habits are at least that bad, maybe worse, and I never divorced him over that yet. So you are probably just fooling yourself if you think this is going to be the one final straw for you and your incredibly long-suffering wife.

  32. Linda said,

    BTW Bobbie, I wasn’t sure what to think about our photo being named “Milo”, but then I decided that probably all MT’s jpgs are named Milo so we are in good company.

  33. LaFlamme said,

    Ha! True. And you wouldn’t believe what indignities she has to suffer next. At the paper, we’re starting this new B section that may or may not save the newspaper. For that, they want me to wander the streets and invite people to ask me embarassing questions. Corey, who designs the new section, is expected to be my photographer on these assignments. The poor woman. She’ll be in rehab before you know it.

  34. Linda said,

    That’s just mean, Mark — the poor woman. Still, it’ll make a change from you asking everyone else embarrassing questions, right? Change can be good.

    I can’t wait to read it!!

  35. LaFlamme said,

    It’ll be really good if people ask good questions. And of course, if we go to the right places, they will.

  36. Linda said,

    AO says you are going to her place. There’s another long-suffering woman.

  37. LaFlamme said,

    No, no. I’d say it’s Roch who’s the long-suffering one over there. That guy… well, he rocks. Did you meet him?

  38. Linda said,

    Oh yes, I met Roch. I dropped in when I knew AO wasn’t there and gave the other man a present for her. Then when I tried to leave Roch put a verbal body block on me and interrogated me as to who exactly I was. He suspected I was a blogger and was used to being manhandled, figuratively speaking, and could take it. Then he phoned AO, and entertained me until she got there. Yes, he rocks, but I stand by my opinion.

  39. Linda said,

    I’m only going to say this once: the Anonymous on the SJ blog is not me. And never will be me. OK?

  40. AO said,

    Hey!! I AM the long suffering one! Linda’s right!

  41. LaFlamme said,

    I dunno, AO. I was up at your place and Roch was awfully nice to me. I love that dude. In a manly, non-affectionate way, of course.

  42. Bobbie said,

    I was going to post more, but of course, the thunderstorm warning expires and then the storm hits. Right now, the satellite can’t make up its mind whether it wants to stay on or off. The hail is about pea size, maybe a little bit bigger and the lightning is starting to get good. Of course, the dog is hiding under my desk, the cats have no idea where to hide and DJ wants me to bring him somewhere. Since the car isn’t in the garage, that means walking out in the hail and rain. I’m not sure that DJ can bribe that well. scared cat on shoulder-time to go.

  43. AO said,

    Mark, I’ll let him know that you love him.

  44. Martha said,

    MT, may I see the pic of AO and Linda? Please…

  45. K2 said,

    Mark, how fiscally dire are things at the SJ? Or are you not allowed to elucidate on it?

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