You name it

June 26, 2006 at 12:34 am (Uncategorized)

There are a couple reasons why I'm re-running this old piece. One is that I'm a lazy bastard and I might want to do something involving big, fat nothing this weekend. The other is that they're announcing the new name of the Colisee on Monday and… well, I know you're all pulling for me. Fingers crossed!

Ooh, baby. If I can come up with a couple million bucks, you people will be watching hockey this year at the LaFlamme Colisee. I mean, I can’t sing or dance, so I’ll never have my name up in lights. Buying into the name of the arena is the best I can hope for.
Imagine it. My moniker would be huge above the door as you walk into the rink on Birch Street. The name would be in newspaper advertisements and on $10 souvenirs you buy for the kids.
“LaFlamme” would even be part of the cheesy little song they use in Maineiacs commercials. You know, that song you really hate. I think it says something really profound like: “We’re the Maineiacs, Maineiacs on ice!”
As if so many people were confused about how hockey is played that it had to be explained in a horrible jingle. But the point is, the writers of that horrible jingle will now have to incorporate my name into it. Good luck with finding something that rhymes with LaFlamme.
Oh, quit your fretting, Vanna. I couldn’t come up with enough money to buy a single vowel on the Colisee sign and you know it. City Administrator Jim Bennett will probably breathe easier knowing I don’t have a huge trust fund to draw from.
I always wonder what kind of nightmares Bennett must have. He’s done such an impressive job of improving the city, he has to worry about some freak coming along and screwing it all up. And selling the naming rights to the Colisee leaves him vulnerable.
The city image is at stake here. I’m sure Bennett envisions a large and illustrious corporation shelling out loot to slap their name on the arena. But what if it doesn’t happen that way? What if a particularly business-savvy drug dealer makes the deal.
It’s hard to say whether the “Cheap Rock Colisee” would be full night after night. The “Sizzlin’ Smack Center” might not draw a family audience, either.
What if the operator of a brothel decides to advertise by buying into the Colisee name? How would the “Cat House Colisee” look in big letters?
It probably won’t happen. I’m sure the company that comes up with the dough to marry their business name to the Maineiacs franchise will be completely legitimate. Still, things could get weird. I mean, what kind of logo would be used if the rink becomes the “Midnight Boutique Colisee?” I like Lewy, the Maineiacs mascot. I don’t wanna see that rugged frame clad in a teddy or a bustier.
The Blow Brothers, who provide perfectly fine public toilets, could buy into our local hockey Mecca. The cash would be nice, but who wants a gigantic urinal welcoming visitors? Other hockey teams would make fun of the local boys. That horrid jingle would get even uglier.
And what if a local bar owner wanted to scrounge up business by advertising with the hockey team? The “Acme Club Colisee” sounds a little generic and “Del’s Bar and Grille Colisee” doesn’t roll off the tongue. The “Cage Colisee” has a nice ring to it, though, and the “Ritz Club Center” sounds sort of regal. Please list those as possibilities.
Corporate involvement in the world of stadiums and arenas is here to stay. Names with glorious histories become mere Yellow Page listings. Boston Garden becomes the Fleet Center. The Montreal Forum is now the Molson Center. Comiskey Park has been transformed into the yawn-inspiring U.S. Cellular Field. Can you hear me now?
The problem that arises with corporate monikers is that they inspire clever nicknames. Gillette Stadium is commonly known as “The Razor.” Bank One Bell is fondly called “The Bob.” How will people refer to the Colisee if Tambrands buys into the name?
But, clearly I’m raving. I’m sure Bennett has thought this thing through and all will be well. We’ll have a spiffy new name for the hockey rink and the city will be rolling in dough. I just wish I could find a way to get my name up in lights. Maybe I’ll go out and buy one of those cheesy Lite Brite things. You remember Lite Brite, don’t you? And that lame song from the commercials?
“What a sight, making things with Lite Brite …”
Moronic! But still not as bad as the Maineiacs jingle.


  1. Martha said,

    HMMMMM.. I’m guessing I’m glad I’ve never heard the Maineiacs jingle.. but then, I HATE commercials anyway. It’d be on mute faster than they could get the first couple notes out.

  2. Mainetarr said,

    If Tambrands bought the Colisee, I bet you would have to pull a lot of strings to get tickets to the Maniacs. Ha!

  3. Mainetarr said,

    Also, the owners would “plug” the Colisee on tv all the time.

  4. K2 said,

    The Colisee? Is that was Arkansas?

  5. Richie said,

    Yah, but I bet the owners could absorb the heavy cost flow, I should think.
    Maybe they wouldn’t be in the red then ? Of course this is all secret; and we don’t want any of this to leak out do we.

  6. Flamette said,

    You all are sick! Glad there aren’t more posts yet, it would just be too much to absorb.

    I just posted a long-ass comment in the previous post about moving back to the sj site (yeah, I’m behind). I don’t know if you guys keep up with older threads, but didn’t want to have you all miss my oh-so-rare post.

  7. Mainetarr said,

    If Tambrands bought it, they could plant some flowers around it, paint it pink…you know, instead of it being such a manly place, they could make it more of a “feminine pad”.

  8. Blumpkin said,

    How bout ‘Jesus Party Garden’?

  9. K2 said,

    Christ, Blumpkin.

  10. Mainetarr said,

    Oh, the Reverend Taylor would have a hard on from now until doomsday. What about Weasel Auditorium?

  11. Mainetarr said,

    or K2’s Camp for the Silver Spoon Challenged?

  12. The artist formerly known as LaFlamme said,

    What the hell? Flamette screwed up my name function by infiltrating the blog. Oh, she’ll pay.

  13. The Blogger Formerly Known as Mainetarr said,

    WTF? Mark, stop screwing with our names you goober.

  14. LaFlamme said,

    Ah, I got it fixed. Flamette (who writes about as concisely as I do, doesn’t she?) had logged out of my program to post this morning. Took me a half cup of coffee to figure it out.

  15. K2 said,

    I once used that ‘the artist formerly known as . . .’ at Geiger once in an internal newsletter. Nobody there had a freaking clue what I was talking about. That place was the Twilight Zone, I tell you.

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