Vomitorium

June 30, 2006 at 12:04 am (Uncategorized)

I remember the room spinning so wildly, I genuinely believed I might be tossed right off the planet. I remember vomiting with such velocity, I felt internal organs shifting within my frame. I simultaneously wished for death and prayed it would not kill me. It was my first killer bout with projectile vomiting and it was earned through alternating between foamy keg beer and Jack Daniels.
resume_puking.jpgAn older and wiser man might have learned temperance from the experience. I was a teenager and thus, did not. I was eating weird things from a lower cupboard an hour after the chunk blowing ride was over. I was back in the woods behind the armory two nights later trying out this new beer called Stroh’s everyone was talking about.
My friends, I have grown since then. By and large, few things will make me part ways with the contents of my stomach. But I know those who will hurl if they have one drink more than their usual limit. I know people who blow chow through their nose if they ride the Zipper at the carnival. I’ve had girlfriends who puked every time they had the flu and who bawled every time they puked. My brother (poor bastard), would gag and then ralph if he saw someone ELSE throwing up.
I think most of us will agree that few bodily experiences rival the dry heaves in terms of utter, soul shaking agony. The muscles of the throat expand and contract. The jaw yawns wider and wider, awaiting the chunky cargo. The stomach heaves achingly and almost angrily because there is nothing there to expel. And to express its rage, the entire digestive system repeats this process for eternity while you sit with your head in the toilet, teary eyed, clutching the cool toilet bowl as though hoping to fall into it and be done with this mess.
Nasty business, the act of regurgitation. The body, always alert to defend you, tries to rid itself of real or perceived toxins by gushing various matter through the mouth and nose. Meanwhile, your friends stand around in a weaving circle, pointing fingers and scrambling for their cellphone cameras. They will give you crap about it for days to come and you will be called Ralph everywhere you go.
dsc04108.JPG Ah, vomit. By the time you’re ten years old, you have learned at least a half dozen euphamisms for the experience. And you don’t forget them, either. Thinking earnestly about puke the other night, I absently asked some of my colleagues for such terminology. For the next ten minutes, they screamed out terms like sickened bidders at a strange auction:
“Spew!”
“Yack”
“Barf”
“Praying to the porceline god!”
“Making a long distance call on the big, white phone!”
And so on. And so forth, until I had to bring buckets to the newsroom so a few people could disgorge. And while, I could go on and on about this subject, I’m out of euphamisms and puke stories. I welcome your’s.

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162 Comments

  1. Bobbie said,

    I made the mistake of mixing hefe weisen (German beer with LOTS of yeast at the bottom) with cherry schnapps while I was drinking with some friends in the next apartment building. I don’t remember walking down 3 flights of stairs and then back up 3 flights of stairs to get to our apartment. About 3 in the morning, I was in the bathroom making quite the mess thinking to myself that if I could stop long enough, I’d probably need to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital to see why I was throwing up so much blood. Then I remembered that I had broken a cardinal drinking rule that night-I had mixed the grains and fruits and was paying the price. Needless to say, I didn’t make that mistake again.

  2. Bobbie said,

    While we were in Germany, we always invited the guys from my husband’s unit over, especially if it was around the holidays. Joe would come into the house, put his alcohol in the fridge and then request a paper towel from me in order to put his partial in his pocket. He had this very bad habit of getting drunk and forgetting to take his partial out. After the 10th one, the Army made him pay to replace the partial. When he forgot on the 11th and had to pay all that money for a new partial, he never forgot to remove it after that.

    He also had a very bad habit of falling asleep with his arm on the toilet and his head on his arm. If we let him fall asleep and then moved him away from the toilet, but left him in the bathroom, he wouldn’t be sick again that night. If we moved him before he fell asleep or moved him out of the bathroom, there was a very bad mess to clean up in the morning.

    One of the rules that I had whenever we had people over was simple: you heave and you miss, you get to clean it up. I only had 3 rules to live by when we partied and one rule was only broken once by a new person.

  3. Bobbie said,

    When my oldest sister and I were staying at my grandmother’s house one night, I sat up in bed, turned to face my sister and then proceeded to empty the contents of my stomach right between her legs. My sister didn’t appreciate being rudely awakened like that, so she yelled for my grandmother. When my grandmother finally woke up, my oldest sister kept telling her that I had vomited right between her legs and that my grandmother had to remove the bedding.

    My grandmother kept going “What did she do?” and my sister kept telling her “Bobbie vomited right between my legs”, but apparently, my grandmother didn’t understand what the word vomit was, so she didn’t get out of bed right away. My grandmother finally got out of bed when my older sister said in frustration, “For God’s sake, Bobbie just puked right between my legs. She’s sick” and my grandmother goes “Oh” and you can hear the lightbulb going off over her head. I have no idea why, but my older sister and I still laugh about that incident to this day.

  4. Martha said,

    There have only been 3 times in my life I’ve been drunk enough to puke. All of them MANY, MANY years ago. However, I have discovered I cannot tolerate IV pain medication. Last year when I had surgery for a broken wrist, I had them put in my chart not to give me demerol. I knew how I would react to it from experience. Well, just before they disconnected my IV to send me home, a nurse gave me something (I don’t know what). When I got home I walked into the house and began to wheeze… I’ve never had breathing problems in my life.. then upchucked. After that I could breath, but couldn’t keep anything, not even water, in my stomach for the next 12 hours. Thankfully, I slept for most of the rest of the day.

  5. LaFlamme said,

    Upchuck! I totally forgot about that one. Almost a cute word for the heave ho.

  6. Martha said,

    LOL Mark, not crude enough for you?

  7. Mainetarr said,

    Toss your cookies is another one. I was out partying once with my buddy Kip and after a hard night of drinking at Linda’s Pub, we ended up at Denny’s. WE all ordered big breakfasts and Kip got a Southern Slam. It’s white sausage gravy over biscuits. We scoffed down the food and hurried home. On the way home, he said he was going to be sick. I just pulled into the driveway of his apartment, he opened the car door and proceeded to barf his guts out in the driveway. Kip has the weakest stomach of anyone I have ever known, would not stop barfing. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he stopped and I backed the car up to let him out (so he didn’t have to step in it). My headlights hit the puke and I said to him ” That shit looks the same as when you ate it.” Needless to say, none of us were ever able to enjoy a Southern Slam again. The funnier part, the next morning he calls me and says, “The weirdest fucking thing is going on in the driveway.” I said “What are you talking about?” He replied, “There are a group of raccoons huddled in a circle in the driveway. WTF is going on you think?” He had forgotten about what happened the night before (I am gagging as I type this) so I told him what they were probably getting in to. He promptly started puking again and I laughed my head off….that was 15 years ago, I still gag at the racoon part, but laugh at the puke part. LOL 🙂

  8. Linda said,

    Ocean swells in the Gulf of Maine, holding a barf bag for my son Luke while he puked six donuts and three boxes of cranberry juice. My head is starting to spin just remembering.

  9. K2 said,

    Calling dinosaurs: BRONTasauras. STEGasuaras. (Tough to pull off in text, I realize.)

    Vomit, vomit, yeah vomit!
    Everything tastes better with Blue Vomit on it.

    A was a bulemic drunk during the fraternity years. We even had a vomit circle once, where we all puked in the middle. (The antithesis of a circle jerk?) No, I didn’t have the brightest friends.

    And once in ’91, at the Holiday Inn at Key West, I barfed right in their hot tub after taking a double shot of 101-proof Wild Turkey. But, I was on acid at the time, so it really wasn’t my fault.

    I find that vomiting is the ultimate leveling agent. I mean, I don’t care how rich or famous you are, you’re still a pathetic human stuck in utter misery whilst you vomit, fat bank account or not.

    Besides, puking takes a lot of guts.

  10. K2 said,

    MT, you’re story reminded me of a time in ’93 when I was visting my brother out in Albuquerque with a friend. We boozed all day and night, and then went to a Taco Bell drive thru — on foot, we had no car. My buddy Raiser was a big eater, and anyway, he wolfed down a bunch of tacos in seconds. And minutes later, when he barfed ’em all up, I swear there were almost full-sized hard shells on the ground. Like, how the hell did he swallow the inches-wide hard-corn tortillas? Still no answer to this day.

    And as a little boy visiting DC, I uncontrollably barfed on a security guard’s shoes at the Smithsonean. That poor, poor man.

  11. AO said,

    Lot’s of Rum and Cokes at The Cage one night while I was in my twenties. Puked 16 times the next day. Haven’t touched the stuff since. Just the smell of rum has me heaving.

  12. K2 said,

    You anti-rumite, AO.

    I can’t touch SoCo. Now way, no how. Evilly cloying.

  13. K2 said,

    You know, I have the best shot of my friend projectile vomitting into a toilet bowl — standing up — that I’ll have to drop it off for Mark. (Me no own scanner.) It’s a literal waterfall faucet of froth from my friend’s disgruntled gullet. It’s totally gross, but funny, funny shit.

  14. AO said,

    When my son was just a little tyke, he was famous for projectile vomiting. And, my husband knew what the signs looked like when it was about to happen. He’d always hand him to me seconds before it happened. Let’s just say that I went through lots of slippers. He always managed to spew all over my feet. I also learned to never give a sick child any kind of juice that had any type of color to it. Especially red. Gross.

  15. jarheaddoc said,

    One of the stops we made while I was in the Meidterranean Sea was Israel, where the ship’s morale officer set up a beer garden for us. It was the easiest way to keep all the drunks safe. Yup, just tumble up the gangway, have your buddy salute the flag for you, and he’ll drop you in your rack to sleep it off.

    Well, this beer garden happened on the same night that we finally got some chocolate milk on the ship. Like a dumbass, I had gulped down two or three canteen cups full of the milk, then gone drinking with my buds.

    Well, any reader with even close to a partial clue knows that milk and beer are a bad combo. I was doing the TechniColor Yawn over the side of the ship about three hours later. It was a horrible mess.

    We got underway two days later and the boatswain’s mate simply painted over my handiwork

  16. Bobbie said,

    When the kids visited 2 years ago, 2 out of 3 kids got sick somewhere along the way. There is nothing worse than having a child call your name because something is wrong and when you turn around to find out what’s going on, you get it right in the face. My daughter still has trouble with the smell of oranges.

  17. Ryan said,

    Technicolor yawn

  18. AO said,

    I have a sister who hates to throw up. She’s been known to cry after the deed is done. It’s funny because, she and I were just talking about that last night. As for myself, I’d rather just get it out and, over with. If I have to puke and it’s not coming out, I’ll make myself vomit.

  19. Linda said,

    Not me. I’m like your sister, AO.

  20. Martha said,

    When my son was an infant he had pyloric stenosis. For those who don’t know about things medical, it is a condition where the muscle that controls the opening between the stomach and intestines, constricts and won’t dialate to let food pass through. The main symptom is projectile vomiting. He started when he was a month old and the problem wasn’t diagnosed until he was 6 weeks. Since he was my first baby it sure made for a stressful couple weeks.
    When my grandsons were little, my daughter used to have to take water with her when she traveled. A change in drinking water and they’d be losing everything out both ends.. Does not make for pleasant vacations.

  21. K2 said,

    AO, I’m with you. I’ll reach right deep down my own esophagus and tickle my stomach’s rugae, if necessary.

  22. AO said,

    I have the strongest desire to have a bowl of oatmeal right now.

  23. jarheaddoc said,

    Ya know, even as much as I hate to stand there and sound like I am retching from the roots of my toe nails, I have always felt better after urping my guts out. yup, the pain is always worth the payoff.

  24. Linda said,

    I see that everyone backed away from the blog a good long time before lunch. Wise move. It’s my lunch break but somehow I’m not in the mood.

  25. AO said,

    Hey, I sat here and ate my breakfast while reading this blog. I swear that having kids has made me immune to a lot of things. Granted, I think that MT’s Kip story is probably one of the grossest things I’ve read in a long time, I still had breakfast.

  26. LaFlamme said,

    Technicolor yawn! Yeah, baby. Very descriptive.

  27. LaFlamme said,

    I like the hardcores who throw up for a while, wipe their mouth with a sleeve, swear a little, and then resume drinking.

  28. K2 said,

    Is there anything worse than puking when you have the runs too? All exits, no waiting.

  29. LaFlamme said,

    Isn’t there a term for that? There’s gotta be a term for that.

  30. jarheaddoc said,

    The proper term is ‘fucking miserable’, usually summed up with ‘better him/her than me!”

  31. jarheaddoc said,

    “fucking miserable”, usually stated as ‘Better him/her than me!”

  32. Linda said,

    I’m thinking of an expression that a friend of mine uses: “You three ARE a pair!” Maybe you have to be laughing already to find it funny, but I AM laughing and I think it applies to Mark, K2 and jarheaddoc.

  33. jarheaddoc said,

    The Romans actually had a room in their party parlors called a vomitorium, for just the purpose Mark stated in #27. Call their culture what they want, but that’s one of the things they got right!

  34. LaFlamme said,

    Hey! We’ve been insulted, boys. Or praised. I can never tell which.

  35. LaFlamme said,

    Ralphing scenes from the movies: Nick Cage in “Leaving Las Vegas.”

  36. jarheaddoc said,

    Well, it was stated like a woman who has three toes, no two of which are on the same appendage

  37. LaFlamme said,

    K2’s buddy is posted above for anyone who wants to rate his technique. Clearly, the hunch and puke shows great self-control, but there are spatter issues.

  38. Linda said,

    Fishing for compliments Mark? You made me laugh out loud at work, everyone was staring jealously. That has to be a compliment, eh?

  39. AO said,

    K2, Great shot! Mark, you should inlarge it. It’s hard to see the phlem flying.

  40. LaFlamme said,

    Will do. Stand by. You people are sick.

  41. K2 said,

    Oh, man, is my buddy gonna be proud. If I remember correctly, the splatter effect was an 8.2 on the chunkage scale. Cleaning up vomit is rough, rough stuff. Especially when it’s still warm and viscous.

  42. Mainetarr said,

    That pic is nasty. We are a bunch of sick bastards, I knew this all along, however.
    Another funny puke story, me and my friend Karen, from Poland, were at the Mechanic Falls Fair once as kids and we were in the zipper together. The kid above us puked and it landed in Karen’s hair. It grossed me out so bad, I puked in her lap. Then she puked all over herself. Fuggin funny looking back on it.

    Another time, at the Windsor Fair, as an adult, we were all drinking at the horse races in the beer tent for a better part of the day when we decided to go into the actual fair. A bunch of us got on the round up and one of the guys, Derrick, puked while we were in full tilt spin mode. He was high in the air when he barfed, but the ride was spinning so fast, he actually got hit with his own puke as he reached the bottom.

    And my last carnival story, I promise, was I was in OOB once with Karen again–God love her. We were drinking and I talked her into the Pirate Ship ride and the beeotch got so scared she peed in her pants. I was sitting there and suddenly, my ass was all warm and wet. Well, long story short, we had to go buy new clothes and shower at the public shower in Pine Point. Beeotch.

  43. Crystal said,

    I don’t drink, but I had 3 friends who were drinking lots of red wine at a Christmas party, between the 3 of them that were drinking, they finished off 4-5 large bottles of wine. When we left everyone felt great. I had to drive me and my friend home from Lisbon to Auburn. He was really quiet and kinda snoozing on the way home, all of a sudden as we pass the pawn shop in Lewiston, he looks up eyes wide open and spewed all over passenger seat. He was wearing a white shirt and suede jacket (ruined). It was like something from the Exorcist. Have you ever smelled wine vomit… disgusting. Nothing I could do til we get home, so it’s freezing outside I have my window cracked open as much as I can withput freezing, don’t want to turn on the heat because it will smell worse. Finally I get home and then have to clean the car the next day. The other 2 friends went to bed after we left, unfortunately for them, they have a water bed… Motion does not go well with that much wine. They got sick too.
    That was a great Christmas…

  44. Bobbie said,

    I was pregnant with our daughter in Korea during the summer. For those of you who haven’t seen M*A*S*H (they do a fair portrayal of the seasons in Korea), it’s extremely hot there in the summertime. The heat was getting to me and lunch wasn’t settling too well. I was on a bridge and knew that I couldn’t push my way thru the crowd to the road without puking on everyone around me. I figure, I’m on a bridge, so I’ll just lean over the edge of the rail. I forgot that under the bridge was a shopping area and I managed to get someone’s brand new Stetson just as he came out of the shop. My husband was wondering why I was hustling him off so quick and he almost died laughing as I told him what had happened. I can’t look at a Stetson (especially a black one) without thinking about that.

  45. Bobbie said,

    To change subjects just briefly, do any of you guys out there collect the state quarters? The reason that I’m asking is Colorado just came out and if anyone wanted/needed some with the Denver mint mark on them, let me know.

  46. Linda said,

    Crystal, I had a similar experience once with a soon-to-be-former boyfriend, I was visiting him at his university and he spewed in the back of his friend’s new car. Mostly out the window, but not entirely. It may have been beer, not wine, but all I know is that he was much less appealing to me after that.

  47. jarheaddoc said,

    Any vomit associated with alcohol just turns my stomach. I have had too many calls where both were involved. And Crystal is right, you add heat to it and it makes it about a bazillion times worse. About the only thing worse is the vomit/feces from someone with a GI bleed. And even a half bottle of vick’s, great stuff that it is, only does so much to help one through a stinky call.

  48. jarheaddoc said,

    Just heard your favorite commerical, Mark. “I’ll have the roast duck, with the mango salsa, and the gallon size Rotgut special. I like stuff that tastes good when you throw it back up.”

  49. Linda said,

    Such an appealing topic, this. Do they talk about this stuff on the SJ? No? Well, ’nuff said.

    Yay, it’s Friday. Works for me.

  50. Linda said,

    I just checked the SJ, nothing half so interesting. Can we stay here? It’s way more fun. Love all the vomit stories, there’s something for everyone to identify with. Stephen Wright: “I love thinking about the past, it brings back so many memories.” Even if it’s the recent past in some cases.

  51. Martha said,

    Bobbie, yes, I collect the state quarters.. I haven’t missed one yet, but I’m looking for either Nevada or Nebraska.. I have one of them, but don’t remember which.

  52. Linda said,

    K2, great shot of your friend. And this might just be me, but I can’t help thinking, who’s gonna clean up? Definitely one of the down sides of projectile vomiting.

  53. jarheaddoc said,

    Martha, okay to get your e-mail address from either Bobbie or MT?

  54. Linda said,

    No work tonight, jd? Could you be that lucky?

  55. jarheaddoc said,

    e

    • Milly said,

      I was seisruoly at DefCon 5 until I saw this post.

  56. AO said,

    One of my favorite puke stories involves my younger sister and my nephew. When he was just a baby, my sister was holding him up in the air saying, over and over again, Hi Deryk, Hi Deryk! Well, during one of her Hi Deryk’s, Deryk puked right into her open mouth. I never laughed so flucking hard in my life. She just sat there, trying to scream at me for help but all that would come out was a strangle kind of noise while she was trying hard not to swallow. What a riot.

  57. jarheaddoc said,

    that was just a test to see if the site had blackballed me. I was getting an error message. No work until the 4th, Linda

  58. Linda said,

    Glad you explained jd, that “e” was very cryptic.

  59. AO said,

    I’ve heard that blackballs are very painful.

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  60. Linda said,

    AO, anyone holding a baby over their head ought to be prepared for the worst.

  61. jarheaddoc said,

    Any one’s whose balls are so blue they are black needs to have mark hook them up with a forty cent hooker.

  62. Ray said,

    or get a shot of something or have his pulse checked. or maybe borrow one of K2’s socks….

  63. Linda said,

    Damn, two ambulances going by. Doesn’t sound good.

  64. K2 said,

    Oh, man, I can remember one time, as a senior in high school, where I got blue balls so bad with a female classmate who wouldn’t let me do finish the deed (that bitch), and then I couldn’t ‘relieve the pressure’ (the only cure) afterwards because I was with my buddies, and back then, you couldn’t admit that you jerked off, for fear of vicious verbal reprisals. I practically passed out from my painfully swollen epididimes.

    If that ever happened nowadays — which it doesn’t — I’d be like, excuse me, but I’ve got to go choke my monkey. Be right back. I mean, show me a guy who says he doesn’t flog the bird dog, and I’ll show you a liar with his pants on fire.

  65. brenda said,

    epididimes? !!

  66. AO said,

    What?? You didn’t know the sock routine back in high school, K2?

  67. Linda said,

    So are we moving to a new category of battle tales?

  68. AO said,

    I think we’re now onto black or, blue balls. I wouldn’t have a clue about them but, whatever.

  69. LaFlamme said,

    Ah, blue balls. The official cure: try to move a car. No, really. Literally lean in and try to push a car. Something about the pressure on your herniatic whatzit. I know it’s true because I read it in Playboy.

  70. AO said,

    You read it in Playboy? Really? Ha. I think you may have read it in Playboy then, you found yourself in a blue balls situation and had to use the “car moving” maneuver. I’ll also bet that your car was running fine and it had a full tank of gas!

  71. jarheaddoc said,

    A kick to your blue balls is sure to get you to perform and act of vomitus

  72. AO said,

    Sounds like you know first hand, JD.

  73. Linda said,

    So … moving a car. That sounds like a really fun cure.

  74. jarheaddoc said,

    Not from personal experience, but having served in the navy and doing waht I do now….

  75. LaFlamme said,

    No, really. That’s supposedly a sound medical cure. That or a hooker.

  76. jarheaddoc said,

    I could not find herniatic whatzit in my A&P book, though I did find epididymis. The hooker’s already been suggested, mark.

  77. Herb said,

    get a handjob from your sister. It ain’t incest until you actually get into her pants

  78. AO said,

    Ha. Epididymis. What a funny word. I remember when the doctor cut my husbands. I sat and watched the whole thing. And, when he started feeling any discomfort, I replied, “Breathe, honey, breathe”! Sounded right at the time!

  79. jarheaddoc said,

    I also looked in my Merck manual and now I have to go toss the cookies over what the book says the clap will do to the male reproductive tract. My junk hurts just reading those words….

  80. Linda said,

    Ha!! AO, you can be so vindictive sometimes 🙂

  81. Linda said,

    Tip for men: never have a vasectomy while you have a toddler whose head is at crotch height. Earlier (preferred) or later is better.

  82. Linda said,

    So jd — # 79 — does that mean you are voting for the car rather than the hooker?

  83. AO said,

    Linda, sounds like there was lot’s of pain involved! My husband sat on the couch all evening and sipped wine with a bag of frozen green peas on his blue balls.

  84. LaFlamme said,

    Hee hee. Junk.

  85. jarheaddoc said,

    Uh, no, not at all. I was married to a Catholic the first time around. “nuff said”

  86. Linda said,

    Sure, “nuff said.” Being married to a former Catholic myself.

  87. K2 said,

    Scientifically speaking, the epididemis (plural of epididymis) are a tubular semen storage facility located superiorly to the testes. During prolonged foreplay/pants fucking, semen — fructose, vesicular fluid and sperm — build up inside the epididemis, eventually causing pain when the pressure becomes signifigantly signifigant. For those who’ve had blue balls, you can actually a feel a set of psuedo nuts above your balls. That’s 10 gallons of semen cramped into a very small space. Give or take a gallon. Science, people, science.

    Boy, I hope that shit is right. ‘Cause I’m going on memory here.

    Reminds me of another blue balls episode in high school, although this time I was able to ‘relieve’ myself in the bathtub. All I know is, the projectile literally shot over my head and hit the wall behind me. Almost took it in the chops. Thank god nobody knows about it. Oh, wait. 86 all that. Cool. I’m glad we can just forgot I ever typed that. Phew.

  88. LaFlamme said,

    Should I be crossing myself or anything?

  89. Bobbie said,

    My husband suffered the same fate when our son was excited to see his father after 2 days. Hubby suffered quite a bit and thought that he was going to die. It’s not my fault that the hospital fed me after our son was born and the hubby had to live up to our agreement that the first one who could it done would get fixed.

    Martha, let me know which one you need and I will send it to you. If you need any of thecoins from the Denver mint, give me a yell, ok?

  90. AO said,

    TEN gallons, K2? Yeah, in your dreams!

  91. K2 said,

    Well, you people do hate metrics.

  92. AO said,

    K2, your bathtub story reminds me of an obscene phone call I once recieved. The guy on the other end kept moaning..”I”m coming, I’m coming” I sat there laughing my ass off and, the only response I could come up with was: ” Hope you don’t get any on the wall”. Hmm…that guy never did call me back. Wonder why?

  93. AO said,

    You’re right, K2. I do hate metrics. But, I do like inches! 😉

  94. K2 said,

    Maybe he spunked in his phone, ruining it? I’ve lost a few computer keyboards that way. And a toaster.

  95. Linda said,

    K2, “projectile”? Is that another scientific term? Sounds dangerous, like, get outa the way!

  96. K2 said,

    As Robin Williams said, ‘That sperm’s comin’ outta there at 500 MPH.’

  97. AO said,

    Anybody ever seen Look Who’s Talking? Bruce Willis as the “sperm” was hysterical. But, I don’t think he was going 500 MPH.

  98. Linda said,

    That was the good part of that movie. Don’t miss the beginning! what was it — let my love show you the way?

  99. Linda said,

    So K2, you read a lot of magazines, don’t you? Is the Harper’s Bazaar out yet with naked Britney Spears?

  100. jarheaddoc said,

    Yup, projectile is a word in medicine. So is exquisite.

  101. AO said,

    I want to know what the big deal is over Britney Spears? Who the hell cares about her? And, if they do, why? She’s a brainless wonder. Why does she evoke so much curiosity? Why? I just don’t get it. My 16 year old son can’t stand her. He’s into the cooler gener of music. B.B. King. Allman Brothers, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Bonnie Raitt, James Taylor..I could go on…I just don’t get the whole “Britney” thang.

  102. AO said,

    Not to mention that she’s probably the worst example of a mother. She makes “Mommey Dearest” look good. Britney makes me want to hurl.

  103. Linda said,

    Gives you an urge for projectile vomiting, eh AO?

  104. AO said,

    Yup.

  105. LaFlamme said,

    Tell me this: I just had a double quarter pounder from McDonalds. Isn’t a double quarter pounder actually a half pound? Why not call it a half pounder? Is it because half sounds like less, where double is a superlawhatzit?

  106. Linda said,

    Sort of like athletic supporters: I don’t think they come in size Small, do they.

  107. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, here’s a question for ya. When a pirate does his thing, is he saying “Arrrr?” or “Arrrgh?”

  108. Linda said,

    If you really want to know, read this. You have until September to write a blog in pirate talk, me hearty.

    http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html

  109. LaFlamme said,

    Ah, that’s right. Linda wasn’t around back when we had Talk Like a Pirate day. It was a fiasco. I just need a gut feeling on the arrrr or arrrgh to settle a debate.

  110. Linda said,

    Hints an’ Tips
    If it be helpin’, start yer sentence wi’ a “Arr, me hearty,” in a deep, throaty voice — ye’ll find that the rest be comin’ much easier.

    Vocabulary
    In which ye’ll find words submitted by many pirates o’er the years, an’ which comprise a loose piratical dictionary.

    Ahoy: Hey!
    Avast: Stop!
    Aye: Yes
    Black spot: to be ‘placin’ the black spot’ be markin’ someone for death.
    Booty: treasure
    Buccanneer: a pirate who be answerin’ to no man or blasted government.
    By the Powers!: an exclamation, uttered by Long John Silver in Treasure Island!
    Cat o’ nine tails: whip for floggin’ mutineers
    Corsair: a pirate who be makin’ his berth in the Med-…Medi-…that sea ‘tween Spain and Africa, aye!
    Davy Jones’ Locker: the bottom o’ the sea, where the souls of dead men lie
    Doubloons: pieces of gold…
    Fiddlers Green: the private heaven where pirates be goin’ when they die.
    Furner: a ship which be yer own, not one ye steal an’ plunder.
    Gentlemen o’ fortune: a slightly more positive term fer pirates!
    Go on the account: to embark on a piratical cruise
    Grog: A pirate’s favorite drink.
    Jack: a flag or a sailor
    Jolly Roger: the skull and crossbones, the pirate flag!
    Keelhaul: a truly vicious punishment where a scurvy dog be tied to a rope and dragged along the barnacle-encrusted bottom of a ship. They not be survivin’ this.
    Landlubber: “Land-lover,” someone not used to life onboard a ship.
    Lass: A woman.
    Lily-livered: faint o’ heart
    Loaded to the Gunwales (pron. gunnels): drunk
    Matey: A shipmate or a friend.
    Me hearty: a friend or shipmate.
    Me: My.
    Pieces o’ eight: pieces o’ silver which can be cut into eights to be givin’ small change.
    Privateer: a pirate officially sanctioned by a national power
    Scallywag: A bad person. A scoundrel.
    Scurvy dog!: a fine insult!
    Shiver me timbers!: an exclamation of surprise, to be shouted most loud.
    Son of a Biscuit Eater: a derogatory term indicating a bastard son of a sailor
    Sprogs: raw, untrained recruits
    Squadron: a group of ten or less warships
    Squiffy: a buffoon
    Swaggy: a scurvy cur’s ship what ye be intendin’ to loot!
    Swashbucklin’: fightin’ and carousin’ on the high seas!
    Sweet trade: the career of piracy
    Thar: The opposite of “here.”
    Walk the plank: this one be bloody obvious.
    Wench: a lady, although ye gents not be wantin’ to use this around a lady who be stronger than ye.
    Wi’ a wannion: wi’ a curse, or wi’ a vengeance. Boldly, loudly!
    Yo-ho-ho: Pirate laughter

  111. Linda said,

    Oh crap I missed Talk Like A Pirate Day? Why was it a fiasco?

  112. Bobbie said,

    If you read what Mark wrote, that would explain everything about Talk Like a Pirate Day!

  113. AO said,

    Mark, It’s arrrgh. Sheesh. Haven’t ye learned ye pirate talk yet?

  114. LaFlamme said,

    Thanks, AO. That’s one vote.

  115. Linda said,

    You’d think so AO, but this is from wikipedia:

    “The archetypical pirate grunt “Arrr!” (alternatively “Rrrr!” or “Yarrr!”) first appeared in the classic 1950 Disney film Treasure Island, according to research by Mark Liberman”

    and the list above which is from a UK web site says Arrr also.

    I researched this last September, wrote my own pirate message to email to my friends. If you haven’t noticed — I have too much time on my hands AND I get a little too into things.

  116. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, but if you were writing it without doing any research, how would you write it?

  117. Linda said,

    Arrrrgh. Any day.

  118. Martha said,

    JHD, yes, it is fine to get my email address from either Bobbie or MT.. Thanks

  119. LaFlamme said,

    Wahoo!!! I mean, an objective thanks for your answer, Linda.

  120. Linda said,

    Research should never get in the way of what feels right, right?

  121. Bobbie said,

    Martha, it’s done.

  122. LaFlamme said,

    In a matter such as this, absolutely.

  123. Linda said,

    So did you win a bet?

  124. Linda said,

    So did you win a bet, Mark?

    Bobbie, I am emailing you for advice. Dear Bobbie …

  125. Linda said,

    Oh damn, I sent a message to somebody — Bobbie I am hoping it went to you, better check all your addresses because the “sent” message looked pretty unfamiliar

  126. LaFlamme said,

    Nah, I was debating with the B section people. I have it spelled “arrgh,” they have it “arrr.” Others not involved with the production agree that it should be “arrrgh.” But because an internet search shows “arrrr” as the correct version, they want to go that way. I say, keep searching the Internet, you’ll find another database that list the correct spelling as “arrrgh.” It’s all very pointless. Now back to upchucking or painful sexual frustration. Wherever we were.

  127. jarheaddoc said,

    Linda, you have it wrong: the facts should never get in the way of how one thinks. “Reality will only fuck up your perception of things and make you miserable.”

  128. jarheaddoc said,

    An old man goes into a whorehouse and pays his money to be able to take a dump on a woman’s chest. He does this six days in a row, with the same woman, only to be unable to perform on day seven. the ‘ho looks up and asks, “what’s wrong, don’t you love me no more, honey?”

    that is right up there with the Japanese having this thing about puking and shitting on people during an act of sexual congress. ( I didn’t want to offend anyone by saying fucking)

  129. Linda said,

    jd, I know it’s late for you but .. isnt that what I said? research shouldn’t get in the way of what feels right?

    Here’s a cartoon from Funny Times:

    woman: You’re going to abandon me like all the others ..
    man: No I won’t
    woman: Yes you will.
    man: No I won’t
    man: Look, I’m not going to fulfill your stupid abandonment complex!
    woman: You would if you loved me!

  130. jarheaddoc said,

    You very well could have said that, Linda, but you get so goddam wordy sometimes that my mind snaps shut and I jsut hit the refresh button and hope something else comes along, that’s all.

    Night, all.

  131. Linda said,

    You jerk, it was my second shortest comment of the week.

  132. LaFlamme said,

    Ha! After a long day of regurgitating, we’re all getting cranky.

  133. Bobbie said,

    I hate to tell you this, Linda, but I haven’t received an e-mail from you yet. Want to try a second time?

  134. Linda said,

    Oh no!!! I’ll have to wait until later today, when I can recreate the mood (didn’t save it)

    Meanwhile — if anyone else out there got an email addressed to Bobbie — send it back to me or to her, and don’t read it please, it’s kind of private. (still looking to buy that bridge …)

  135. Bobbie said,

    I have some good swamp land on top of Pike’s Peak if you’re interested in that instead of the bridge, Linda. LOL

  136. hedonisticpleasureseeker said,

    This thread is giving me pregnancy flashbacks! I had hyperemesis (uncontrolled puking) for 5 months until I went into pre-term labor and ended up on bedrest until I spawned a 7 pound preemie. With a 14 inch head. After 49 hours of labor.

    And they ask me why she’s an only child!

    Anyhoo, I get flu shots every year now, and avoid overindulging in alcohol because every time I feel pukey I get pregnancy flashbacks. Ugh!

  137. Nadine said,

    Anyone here a member of the Century Club? I hope not. 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes (rules are it has it be a shot a minute, you cannot “save” them up). I threw up at 70 and came back to finish. That better count cuz I’ll never do it again!

    GROSS

  138. LaFlamme said,

    I could totally do that.

  139. brenda said,

    Linda, can’t you go to your “sent” emails, & open it, then either fw: it to bobbie, or copy/paste the contents into a new email?

  140. Linda said,

    Well I could, IF I saved sent mail, but I don’t — life’s too short, you know what I mean? If it’s sent, it’s sent.

    I wrote her a new message, no worries there, but I was a bit concerned over who I sent the first one to! You know, sometimes (in my case often) you want to put all your thoughts out there, but sometimes you don’t.

    It turned up in one of Bobbie’s seldom-used email accounts though so it ended well.

  141. Mainetarr said,

    What is with all the “secret messages” in e-mail?

    “Meanwhile — if anyone else out there got an email addressed to Bobbie — send it back to me or to her, and don’t read it please, it’s kind of private.”

    “I wrote her a new message, no worries there, but I was a bit concerned over who I sent the first one to! You know, sometimes (in my case often) you want to put all your thoughts out there, but sometimes you don’t. ”

    Is it just me, or is it kind of rude to keep posting these “check your mail, I wrote you a secret message” or “OMG, I am talking smack about someone to you in your e-mail, so go check it, but wait, oh shit, I may have sent it to that actual person, so if you got it by accident, don’t read it, ok?” As Kurt Cobain would say, Smells Like High School.

  142. jarheaddoc said,

    Well, nice to see the truce lasted as long as it did, as far as people not messing with everyone else behind the scenes.

    Linda, I’ve said this before: don’t post if you don’t want it known or can’t defend it.

  143. Linda said,

    Yeah, you are right MT, it is pretty rude. I always think it’s rude when anyone else does it too — can I have your email address, who can I get it from, OK I got it, etc.

    The funny thing is: that’s exactly what I was trying to say last weekend on the “b all you can b” blog, but somehow it was misunderstood.

    Obviously it’s a form of rudeness that people don’t want to see here, so I’ll do my part by avoiding it in the future.

    One of the nice things about a blog is that you get to know some people and find that you have things in common that outside the blog. When others talk about about emailing behind the scenes, i don’t assume they are “talking smack” about somebody on the blog, since that’s not what I do when I email people.

  144. Mainetarr said,

    Oh Jarhead we all talk behind the scenes. We just keep it there and do not reference it here. If people are looking for others e-mail addresses, that’s one thing. I mean, that is how we all got to know each other.

  145. LaFlamme said,

    Hey! Quit talking shit about me! And if you’re not, please start talking shit about me. I wanna play too, dammit.

  146. jarheaddoc said,

    Linda, I am going to agree with MT on this. It sounds like you’re feeling picked on and wanting sympathy. There are no martyrs on this site. I really don’t understand the need for people to be the top dog of the blog: a lot of the fun is taken out of it when people start doing that.

    That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it

  147. AO said,

    No, I don’t agree. I don’t think Linda is looking for sympathy at all. I think she was just trying to clarify things. I don’t see anything wrong with what she said. I thought she was trying to make light of her possible mistake. I don’t think she was talking smack about anyone. She’s not that kind of person, she’s way too kind. And, who the hell is trying to be “top dog”? Didn’t realize that there was one around here.

  148. jarheaddoc said,

    It looked a lot like a cast net to me, AO, to see what she could catch. And MT has some pretty sharp teeth.

  149. shakespeare talks to the black dude the cops beat the crap out of said,

    “Something is rotten in the state of LaFlamme’s blog”

    It smells like betrayal.

    It looks like betrayal.

    It talks like someone who’s been sucked into the web of a poisonous spider

    It posts like a bad soap opera

    “Why can’t we all just get along?”

  150. my name is Rodney King!!!!! said,

    Leaf me da fuck outta the cat fight the stank ‘ho’s be habbin!

  151. LaFlamme said,

    Wow. You guys are on meth, aren’t you. Not saying there’s anything wrong with it, just… Yeah. You’re on the crank.

  152. AO said,

    Cast net. I hardly think so. And, who the hell would need sharp teeth in here? For what?

  153. BOHICA said,

    ya know, I was at this party once, where i had just polluted a fine, fine blood line of poodles with my junkyeard chromosones, and I had to take a dump, so I went int the fridge, and ya know, all I could think about was sheep in wolf’s clothing that was wearing jack boots and acting all wounded when they got caught when I had to use the lettuce to do the paperwork and get the hell out of there because the punch had some weird crapola in it and I decided that the pond I was in was just filled with milfoil. Man, that was some wicked acid

  154. jarheaddoc said,

    I guess I would have to ask why you are suddenly Linda’s guardian, AO.

  155. David Burke said,

    I always liked the term “technicolor yawn”.

    Espcecially interesting when Red Dye Hot Dogs are part of the equation.

  156. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. Or red wine with broccoli. A nice, Christmas color scheme.

  157. Mainetarr said,

    Just don’t puke up the Southern Slam from Denny’s. I swear it looks the same going in as it does coming back up again. Nasty, nasty stuff.

    If you ate a blue popsicle and drank some lemonade, would you puke up green stuff?

    And what is worse than puking up spaghetti, or pasta of any kind? That is harsh.

  158. LaFlamme said,

    Add points if a string of pasta comes out the nose.

  159. Nadine said,

    Ok Mark, I challenge you to become a member of the Century Club. You realize that it equals to 11 beers in 100 minutes, right? Do it and give us a full report. I doubt you’ll make it trough without tossing your cookies! Your choice of beer — just do it! Anyone else?

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