Pig out

July 2, 2006 at 2:31 am (Uncategorized)

I’ll come clean with you. I’m lousy on the barbecue. My burgers are either so rare that a good veterinarian could save the animals, or so burned they look and taste like charred rocks. I have never barbecued chicken without snatching it bald on the grill and there have been maimings. Horrible, horrible maimings.

porky2.gifBut I do like fire and cooked animal flesh. So I happily relenquish that manly duty to those who fancy themselves afficinados of the barbecue. And I don’t care whether its gas or good old briquettes, either. I’ve seen fist fights break out over that debate, and I just steal burgers while the fists are flying.

I know a few of you will be grilling dead things this weekend and I want to do my part to help out. Here are some spiffy directions for roasting a pig. I take no responsibility for maimings that result.

To calculate the size pig you’ll need, plan 1 1/4 pounds per guest. Most roasting pigs weigh between 60 pounds and 130 pounds dressed. Most of your guests, on the other hand, will be enormous.

Determine ahead of time what temperature you want the hog cooked at, usually between 225 F and 325 F. A 60-pound pig cooked at 325 F will take about 4 hours. Lower temperatures or larger pigs can more than double that time. Do not try to microwave the pig.

If you rent roasting equipment, you’ll probably need a vehicle with a tow hook. Most barbecues are mounted on trailers. If you live north of Lewiston, disregard this. All vehicles north of Lewiston have tow hooks.

Large refrigeration space is essential for storing the pig until you are ready to roast. Barbecue experts suggest using the back of a pickup truck filled with ice. Yes, there are such things as barbecue experts. They all wear aprons that say “Kiss the cook.” They all think this is funny.

Roasting a 50-pound pig will require about 40 pounds of charcoal, plus several small hardwood logs (for smoke). Try not to titter each time you say hardwood logs.

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29 Comments

  1. Linda said,

    Barbecues are good, and the smoke keeps bugs away, but — dig a hole on the beach and build a fire in it, then rake it out and put the pig in. Cover with a tarp and sand. And I can’t stress this enough: MARK THE SPOT. Go swimming, drink beer, play music and sing, whatever, then dig up the pig and have a feast. That’s a party!

  2. Bobbie said,

    You’d think that the hot spot would give it away, Linda.

  3. Linda said,

    If you can feel the heat, it’s not covered well enough!

  4. LaFlamme said,

    My pig eatin’ plans: drive to Sabattus. Go to Uncle Moe’s Diner and get a table. Order Spring Fling with extra side of bacon. Eat entire meal with fingers.

  5. AO said,

    Uncle Moe’s. Wow, now there’s a blast from the past. So, is everyone out having a pig roast?

  6. Linda said,

    Not me. Mine was turkey, not pig.

  7. Linda said,

    And I used a fork.

  8. Mainetarr said,

    We just finished the best supper..mmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! Cooked a flank steak on the grill, let it rest, cut it on the bias and put it on a bed of lettuce then topped it with homemade bleu cheese dressing. Made some rice on the side and pickled beets. I think I have died and gone to heaven. I even got Chris, that picky bastard, to eat some lettuce under his steak. We opened a bottle of Love My Goat, to boot!

    Check out my front porch if anyone drives by. OMG!! It is beautiful! I was in Portland/Scarborough/South Portland today and had a chance to swing into the Christmas Tree Shoppe, but also went to a nursery in Scarborough on the Paine Road. Then went to Home Depot tonight. THe porch looks fabulous. I know, I know, boring….but I am so happy with it.

  9. brenda said,

    hi, mainetarr, did you have fun friday night? I wish I couldv’e made it. Maybe next time?
    I took my son to BonBon’s for sandwiches & italian sodas & listened to a trio of college students rockin’. It was sweet, I kept thinking that’s my son in the future. Lewiston is a good place to raise a kid.
    Saturday I took him to the Somalian party at the multipurpose and we had a blast! I was helping my friend sell stuff at a table, while she was taking care of the food. She said the men said, “Go dance, relax!” After she took a break, she returned to check on the food, there was a shortage of food & especially drinks. She wondered where they all went- there was plenty! As we prepared to leave, the boys spotted a man who had been “helping” with the food- he’d taken boxes of food & drinks to the side of the building and was removing it with his bicycle! We caught him. I was surprised, she didn’t want to call the men or police in, she stopped him from taking some of it, but I think there was some sympathy for the idea the that if someone’s stealing food he must be needy…. anyway she knew who it was and probably has plans to “deal with it” within the community. Then- I ended up with some of the stuff he was taking- it was given to me for helping! It’s too bad that people didn’t have enough sodas at the party though.
    Today was my son’s 7th birthday. We went to see Superman Returns.
    So we had a good weekend.
    No BBQ though.

  10. yawn said,

    who cares? we were talkin about pigs & fire, not your pediatric social calendar.

  11. brenda said,

    oh, silly me, so sorry. can’t delete or re-edit these blogs, eh?
    pigs? —
    well, there was the time in Ca, my neighbors had really loud mexican music on all afternoon, and I looked out the window and saw a pig hanging there on their patio freshly slaughtered while they partied. I took my young daughter over to see what a pig looks like on the inside.
    fire? —
    more recently, when camping, I did discover that while gas bbq’s are pretty easy and fast, I don’t want anything to do with one.
    Just putting some coal in my little hibachi or campfire pit and lighting a match is easy enough for me.

    Given a choice, I eat the turkey dogs, too.
    anybody got a hot weenie?

  12. Martha said,

    Here in PA, some of the smaller fireworks are allowed so my daughter-in-law has gotten some for my grandson. It will be his first time to “do fireworks.” I think that probably means, I’ll go home from work, try and sleep for a bit, then go see him have his fireworks.. maybe catch a real display, then try to get a little more sleep before coming to work Wed. morning.
    Pig roast… my former landlord made his own roaster from what looked like an old 250 gallon oil tank…. I’m fairly certain it had never been used for storing oil. He sure knew how to use it too. He had cut it and put hinges on it, with a grate. There was a door on one end he could open for adding wood as needed. The pig sure tasted good too.

  13. Mainetarr said,

    Brenda, Friday night was good. It was nice to sit down and relax and listen to a couple of old buddies play some music. They are brothers and I spent many hours at jam sessions during high school years, nice to see them playing again. Check out the B section of the paper if you want to find some neat stuff to do with your son. A lot of it is local stuff and most of it is free or costs very little. Friday night everyone was talking about some big pig roast in Sabattus this past weekend. Tis the season, pig roasts and clam bakes. Anyone ever go to a clambake on Cabbage Island?

  14. David Burke said,

    BBQ only is BBQ if it is cooked “low and slow”.

    I bought an electric smoker, a Cookshack, and love the results. Just like the Ronco “Set it and forget it”, I put a hunk of pork in it, and 18 hours later, have a beautiful pulled pork bbq.

    They’re awesome. Buy one. My recipes at http://www.lamaine.com/bbq/

  15. David Burke said,

    Anybody see a demand for a BBQ in L/A? I want to start one. Just don’t want to go broke doing it!

    Let me know.

  16. LaFlamme said,

    Hmmmm. Maybe Auburn, near the lake. I’d suggest downtown Lewiston but, ah… I’ll let the others fill you in.

  17. AO said,

    Mmmm…as Cliff Huxtable said: “BAR-B-QUE! Gotta love it! David, my husband and I looked into buying a Cookshack a few years ago. Well, truth be told, he wanted one, I did the research, gave him all the info and, nothing ever happened after that. I’d still like one.

  18. K2 said,

    Mark, when I mail MT that NYer article on the Dog Whisperer (I haven’t finished that issue yet), I’ll send you a great piece from a different issue on the art of a Tuscan butcher. A fascinating and rather humourous take on the centuries old tradition of cutting up swine.

  19. LaFlamme said,

    Ahhh, good. More meat. Damn you! Now I’m hungry again and I just shut down the grill.

  20. Mainetarr said,

    Just back from Thatchers. I wish there was a BBQ in town. We usually go to that place in Portland, right over the trillion (haha) dollar bridge, what the hell is the name of that place? OMG, it was deeeelicious. We could use one of those around here Dave. There used to be a place that did BBQ in Oxford, too, but they closed and someone else took over and made it into a diner.

    We need a Bugaboo in Auburn. And Panera. If we get a Panera Bread, I will have to have the doors to my house widened to fit my ass through them. Yummmmm!

  21. LaFlamme said,

    Bugaboo! Ahhhh, don’t say that! Prime rib jones!

  22. David Burke said,

    No No NO.. NO Bugaboo, NO pannera. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…..

    Geez… LA is lame enough. Do we just want to bow our heads and become gentrified with the rest of lamestream America? (oops.. 2 drinks of Knob Creek Bourbon kicking in here…)

    I’m talking about a funky BBQ here. (a la Uncle Billy’s in South Portland circa 1986)

    I’d love to open a place in the old “Slamma’:” diner. Don’t know what’s happening there. They’ve cleaned the place up, but it’s still empty. It would be a great late night place.

    They’re also a demand for a take off of a “castle burger” type of place. Cheap greasy burgers served 24 hours a day. Cheap. I think it would fit the area just fine.

  23. who did it? said,

    who bbq’d a pig & disposed of the head improperly? was it one of you?

    Pig’s head thrown into mosque during prayers

    By Max Mogensen, Staff Writer
    Tuesday, July 4,2006

    LEWISTON – A pig’s head was thrown through the open door of the Lewiston Auburn Islamic Center on Lisbon Street while nearly 40 Muslim men were praying late Monday night.

    Pigs are considered unclean animals by Muslims.

    “We cannot eat it. We cannot even sit next to someone who is eating it,” said a man who identified himself as Omar S. Thus, the rolling of the head was considered a deliberate insult.

    The incident occurred around 10:15 p.m. just before the men finished their evening prayers, some of the men said. They said they did not see whoever rolled the head.

    “We were expecting that if someone came in, it would be one of our own,” Omar S said.

    “We were all looking down,” said another man named Abdi.

    According to witnesses, the pig’s head was rolled from the door of the center “like a bowling ball” into the crowd of men. No one was hit by the head, which was frozen and slightly larger than a basketball, according to several witnesses.

    The men, who were bowed down as part of the prayer ritual, immediately got up and ran outside. “Some ran out the back, where there’s another door,” said Omar S. The men were unable to find anyone outside, however.

    The men called police, who arrived about 10 minutes after the incident. The police were also unable to find the person responsible.

    “If 40 people couldn’t do anything, then three more couldn’t do anything,” said Omar S.

    A witness named Hassan said, “Two of (the police) just laughed. When they saw the head, they laughed.”

    According to witnesses, the police bagged the severed head as evidence and took it to the Lewiston police station.

    Lt. Mark Watson of the Lewiston Police Department confirmed that the head had been brought to the Lewiston Police Station, but he said it was disposed of just before 11 p.m.

  24. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah, I had a feeling this would come back to us.

  25. K2 said,

    Yeah, that ought to lessen tensions some. Oof.

  26. brenda said,

    I just saw that on tv news- they caught someone, charged him with a misdemeanor & let him out on bail.

  27. Mainetarr said,

    The LPD is turning it over to the state so they may also charge him with a hate crime as well. That must have been messy. I heard it was frozen, but still. Yuk.

  28. K2 said,

    And somewhere the Rolling Stones’ ‘Goat’s Head Soup’ plays on a turntable. . . .

  29. Nadine said,

    I despise that the paper said that the cops “just laughed” at this incident. I hope it’s not true. Would ya’all laugh if a bloody lump of beef was rolled into church on Good Friday? I hope not.

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