Come and knock on our door

July 8, 2006 at 12:40 am (Uncategorized)

So, I was taking a pointless inventory of my past, trying to recollect the various people I’ve lived with, and I was struck by a horrible revelation: I was almost always the bad roommate.
Clearly, this will be hard for you people to grasp. Mark? That well-mannered, quiet young man a shitty roommate? That tidy and responsible young fella, who brings canned goods to the elderly and reads to the blind, the kind of roommate horror movies are made of? Perfectly absurd!
wmonkey.jpgBut it’s true. I blush, I cringe, I shudder. I remember some really funky nights and I’m tempted to call old friends and apologize decades late. Poor, tolerant bastards. That I was never beaten is a shock.
I was the guy who crawled through windows four nights a week because I kept forgetting my keys. I was the guy who brought bar strangers home and then drank loudly with them until sun up while more temperate roommates tried to sleep in nearby rooms. I was the guy who stumbled in with last call pick-ups and then did vile things on the coffee table. I was the guy who got all drunk and weepy, playing the same song over and over, burning candles and passing out with cigarettes.
Later, when I lived with a string of girlfriends, I had an habit of reeling home in the wee hours, trying to be quiet and knocking over the loudest items in the place as I crept in. Seriously. There’s a little known quirk of physics that posits: the drunker you are, the more trouble you are in, the quieter you are trying to be, the weaker the gravity around metal pots, expensive vases, plant pots and wind chimes.
Damn, I was a lousy roommate. I was what Mainetarr would call – and I believe it’s a clinical term – a douchebag. I only hope a few of you out there were equally dysfunctional in your cohabitation. You understand, doncha? Sure you do. Wanna be friends? Because Flamette could chuck me outta here any day and I need a place to crash.

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29 Comments

  1. Linda said,

    Of the several people who’ve stayed in my home for “a while” — a week to a year, give or take — the worst was a man from Israel. He was supposedly travelling on an informal lecture tour, but he kept pressuring me to introduce him to my “unmarried friends”. Or to use my car every night so he could go downtown and find women for himself. He wanted a wife and a visa; also he was a disgusting sleazebag in lots of other ways. He’s the only visitor I can think of that we threw out.

    Second worst: the family whose three-year-old liked to stick his forefinger up my dog’s nostril. The dog hated it!!

    You don’t want to crash here — you know — the rooster …

  2. K2 said,

    My good friend Scott let another ‘friend,’ who’s a nice guy but a complete drunk, stay with him a few years ago. The ‘friend’ passed out drunk in his car in the throes of winter, and had Scott not gone out in the middle of that frigid night, the guy would’ve fozen to death. His lips and face were blue, and Scott was barely able to wake him and revive him a tub of hot water. Almost like the Laslo scene in ‘Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.’

    And then the ‘friend’ pissed himself on Scott’s sofa whilst passed out. Poppy’s a little sloppy.

    To top that off, the ‘friend’ once stayed over at Scott’s parent’s camp up north, and the guy literally shit and pissed the bed while unconscious in an alcohol-related coma. Yes, the mattress got tossed.

    Some people really shouldn’t drink.

    I was a good roommate for the most part, abeit an obnoxious one. You think I’m annoying now, you should’ve hung out with me 15 years ago. Unbearable, probably.

  3. jarheaddoc said,

    The worst roommates you can have are the ones you get stuck with in an open bay military barracks, or worse, on a ship. You can get used to the noises of someone snoring, farting, even stinky feet, but when a guy comes in so drunk that he can’t find the bathroom and pisses on the wall so loud that he wakes you up, there is just something wrong with that.

  4. K2 said,

    I pissed on the wall, drunk, in my brother’s room in 12th grade. My parents woke up to the sound of it, and I somehow managed to ge them to believe I was merely sleep walking, or I should say, sleep pissing.

  5. AO said,

    When my siblings and I were kids, my mother always found the clothes in our drawers urine soaked. She couldn’t figure out why. Then, one night, my father stayed up late and caught my older brother sleep walking and, yup, peeing in our drawers. So, my father walked my sleeping brother outside in the dead of winter where he woke up, peeing in a trash can. That put an end to urine soaked clothes! True story.

  6. jarheaddoc said,

    I grew up in a houseful of girls, which made it very hard to get into the bathroom first thing in the morning to take a whiz. I solved this problem by going off the porch. My father came home one day and asked if the dog was having troubles peeing, because it stank outside, and just shook his head when I told him what was going on. I got my two seconds of releif after that. True story.

  7. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, that’s cool. At least I was never a pisser. Knew a group of four brothers, each who turned into feral cats any time they drank. One pissed in the closet, the other on the television. One drunken sombulist took a whiz right down the staircase and the other went in the cat box. And I mean every time.

  8. AO said,

    A whiz down the saircase. Now that must have been something to see.

  9. jarheaddoc said,

    I once told a doctor that the easiest way to get a guy to go pee in a cup was to stand him outside in the cold. The doctor looked at me funny and asked just how the hell that was going to work, so I gave him a very scientific explanation: the guy’s body would vasoconstrict, shunting all of his blood to his internal organs to keep them warm, and his body wold think it had more blood than it did, so his kidneys would kick in and try to get rid of the fluid overload. Cold diuresis, I called it. He told me to go put an IV in the guy and give him a litre or fluid. His way worked, of course, but he never looked at me the same after that.

  10. LaFlamme said,

    Oh, yeah. There’s nothing like the cold to get you hopping up and down and doing that funky leg shake.

  11. jarheaddoc said,

    What the hell was the name of this Cheech and Chong Movie? One of them had a bag of soap and told the other it was coke, so the guy took a wicked snort of it, then handed him his pregnant sister’s pee sample to clear his nose out? I can still see those yellow bubbles trailing out the van as they sped down the road!

  12. LaFlamme said,

    Dude, yeah. That’s the one where they had the ice cream truck. Damn, what was it called, man.

  13. LaFlamme said,

    Cheech & Chong’s Next Movie. Classic pee scene.

  14. Martha said,

    JDH, I once had a vet tell me its easier to housebreak a dog in the winter for that very reason.. although he didn’t use all the technical terms. And… I think that will be the extent of my contribution to this subject. I could add more, but would prefer not to revisit those days.

  15. AO said,

    I think the name of the movie with the ice cream truck was Nice Dreams.

  16. lost shoe said,

    has anybody seen or heard from bulldog? did she move?

  17. Mainetarr said,

    I was a good room mate, but from 24-26 years old, I was a party animal. Every Friday and Saturday night, I was shitfaced. I never peed anywhere I wasn’t supposed to, but once I sat on the toilet and peed, but forgot to pull my pants down first. I immediately got into the shower and lost my buzz. LOL A couple of summers ago, we had a grade school reunion and I was drinking that Baja Luna tequila stuff and after I finished the fifth, I went into the port-a-potty. I was in the for 30 minutes when my friend Craig came over to check on me. He was shitfaced too, and when he knocked on the door I opened it, almost in tears. He asked me what was taking so long and I told him I couldn’t find the flush. What a dumbass. LOL But I think I was a pretty fun room mate. I will hae to ask Don, my old roomie and see what he thinks.

    Our roommate, Kip, moved out last weekend. He had been staying with us since October saving money to buy a house. He closed on his house last week and moved out Saturday. It’s nice to be able to help out a friend, but not good to be taken advantage of. Know what I mean?

  18. AO said,

    MT, you forgot to mention the time you had that big party after you moved into your house. Remember? The one when the cops had to come? Ha! That was one funny story.

  19. Nadine said,

    Yeah, ummm, I’m a bad roommate, only since I’ve had my son though because I’m VERY bossy and moody. For shame 😦

    In my party days however, I was sooo much fun…well, that could fill a book! I have left a still undefeated legacy at UMFK, and every time I visit I hear about it (sometimes even from strangers who just happen to catch my name!) — and I graduated in 1992! Haha!

    I can still party and have fun…just NOT at MY house 🙂

  20. BOHICA said,

    Oh, one of those NIMBY types, huh? Not In My Back Yard! Nice, real nice….

  21. "The Weasel" said,

    How bout when you lived with your “male friend” Dan the “Fat Bastard”.

  22. Anonymous said,

  23. brenda said,

    in Nadines defense- it seemed to me she wasn’t saying NIMBY, she was saying: no partying around my kids. There are some things adults do & say for fun that are not appropriate for kids, and I ‘m proud of her for knowing that. Why do you think movies are rated & bars are 21 & over, etc?
    Sounds like Nadine is a responsible person, who can have fun when it’s appropriate & protective of her kids, as she should be.

  24. Gil said,

    Well, back off of vacation and the first thing I read is people peeing in strange places. Nice to be home.
    P.S. I am a Poker GOD. Foxwoods was definitely the best part of the vacation.

  25. Anonymous said,

    poker God? what religion is that?

  26. Omnius said,

    A cop hit my truck today during a drug bust. Long story. Time to sleep.

  27. Linda said,

    Omnius — tell us more when you wake up! Were you in Baltimore? Was your truck parked, or were you driving it? Everyone OK?

  28. Omnius said,

    Everyone’s fine, and the story can be found here.

  29. brenda said,

    oh, that’s funny!
    Imagine the parents’ conversation though, for that little while before it got cleared up?

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