Birds do it, bees do it (Jarhead looks at sex)

July 12, 2006 at 2:38 am (Uncategorized)

Call me a lazy ass if you want. But if someone offers up a guest blog about animal sex, I’m going to post it. This offering comes from Jarhead and may involve frontal nudity. And possibly flying fur…


A physician I knew many years ago taped the breeding of his dog. The man was a pervert, claiming it proved the paternity of the pups. I, however, consider myself a scientist.

dog_011.jpgI took advantage of the opportunity to watch Hooper, my male cat, stalk and inseminate Lucy, my female cat. It was quite interesting, actually, as she would wave her ass at him and Hooper would act very disinterested as he bided his time, waiting, those beady little eyes telling the story: I am gonna get me some of that.

Lucy would lay on her side and give Hooper her best bedroom eyes and makes sounds that were inviting to him and then lay on her belly and do some sort of floor dance that would make an exotic dancer envious. Hooper, at just the right time, would press the attack, grabbing Lucy by the neck and forcing her head down and her ass upwards, and mount her. Lucy would let him do his thing for about five seconds, then get all mad at him and let out a yowl and twist away from him and take a swipe at him.

Hooper took this all in stride and simply followed her around, where an encore would be performed. This happened five or six times over the course of a half-hour.

My daughter witnessed one performance and hollered for Hooper to dismount, only to encourage him when I told her that the cats were making kittens. Hooper was one vigorous dude. He ain’t been quite the same since he got that great male cut of life, though. Not that Lucy seems to miss him in that way.

Let’s face it, the sexual act is fascinating to people for any number of reasons, whether it’s two people or two animals. The first two animals I ever saw do the deed were two cows, in a field. We were on the school bus and the damn thing just about turned on its side as everyone piled to the windows to watch. The bus driver kept going and all we really saw was the bull climbing onboard. And since we had to pass the field on the return trip, we all crowded to the other side to see just how long that bull could go. All we saw was the bull cleaning up his mess. The cow didn’t seem to mind and it’s much more romantic that handing over the towel, I guess.

Oh, yes, getting back to a scientific conclusion about Hooper and Lucy. It’s one of two things: either she forgot to collect her fee up front or she has problems with her orgasms. Considering her day to day nature, I vote for the latter.


  1. Herb said,

    give hooper a break, he was just out for some pussy and looks like he got some

  2. LaFlamme said,

    I’ve got a crazy urge to go watch Wild Kingdom.

  3. Oopsy said,

    Hey, better they find satisfaction this way than the crazy mutt humping your leg all the time.

  4. Omnius said,

    I had this song, stupidly, on a CD I listened to for the entire fourteen hour drive to Texas.

  5. LaFlamme said,

    What? Which song?

  6. Cynthia said,

    Unfortunately, I saw what happens later…a cat giving birth to what looked like the original form of the alien in the film “Alien”. About 10 times. Under a sink.

    Think about THAT the next time you wanna see Hooper “get a pieca dat, yo.”

    Love, Cyn

  7. Omnius said,

    Let’s do it” by Cole Porter, the version I had was Paul Westerburg’s, whom I consider to be an awesome folkish singer, from the Tank Girl soundtrack

    When the little bluebird
    Who has never said a word
    Starts to sing Spring
    When the little bluebell
    At the bottom of the dell
    Starts to ring Ding dong Ding dong
    When the little blue clerk
    In the middle of his work
    Starts a tune to the moon up above
    It is nature that is all
    Simply telling us to fall in love

    And that’s why birds do it, bees do it
    Even educated fleas do it
    Let’s do it, let’s fall in love

  8. jarheaddoc said,

    Cyn, hon, have you ever witnessed the birth of a human? Stastistically a single birth, but still very graphic, though it’s sometimes easier to give away the kid than the kittens.

  9. jarheaddoc said,

    And BTW, Mark, I like that picture. Is it from your personal collection?

  10. Nadine said,


  11. Mainetarr said,

    Nadine, what are you trying to say? What’s wrong, cat got your tongue? Ack!! Hairball!!

  12. Cynthia said,


    That’s but merely one reason I don’t have kids. However there’s this cool thing called birth control.

    AND I’ve had my cats fixed.

    Come to think of it, should I ever decide to have any one day, (kids, not kittens…I’ve had the latter and at least they grow up relatively cute), I would do what I’d do if I had to fly and that is not be there. Lots and lots of drugs before the event. Good times.

    What’s funny about that is that I’ve endured repeat viewings of Evil Dead 2 and had a blast every time. It’s not the gore, you see, it’s the pain. I don’t blame Katie Holmes for finally putting that crazy Tomcat in his place. “You wanna hear screaming, Tom? Then deny me this epidural, you magnificant bastard!”

    But I digress.

  13. Mainetarr said,

    I know you guys probably don’t give a rat’s ass, but I don’t think Tom and Katie really had a baby Suri.

  14. AO said,

    I think Tom sucks. I also think Katie’s crazy for being with him. I hope she screamed good and loud during her delivery. Well, assuming that there was a delivery.

    I’ve had two kids. First 9 lbs. 7oz. NO drugs. Second: 9 lbs. 10 oz. with a head like a bowling ball! I did have an inter-theacal (sp?) with her. No C-Sections! And, I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.

  15. LaFlamme said,

    I like kids and all. But personally, I’d sooner sit through an autopsy than watch a childbirth. Mmmmm…. auuuuutopsy.

  16. AO said,

    I’d much rather sit through a child birt. And, I did…two times before I even had my own kids.

  17. jarheaddoc said,

    MT, are you saying Tom Cruise has pulled a Milli Vanilli on the world? He’s got enough money to buy his own island and disappear, but I don’t think his ego would let him. Personally, I think the kid looks too much like the person Tom paid to inseminate her, which is why the kid hasn’t been seen

  18. LaFlamme said,

    Who do ya think did the inseminating? Samuel L. Jackson? James Woods? The lovely and talented Art Garfunkle?

  19. AO said,

    David Crosby.

  20. Martha said,

    With regard to the picture.. if you will notice, the cat’s tail is visible below the dog… That being the case, since what you are seeing is obviously not copulence, it is likely an exhibition of dominance. Believe it or not, this is one of the ways an animal, male of female will display and maintain their dominant role in the home over an animal lower in the hierarchy.

  21. Bulldog said,

    I think I need a cigarette now…

  22. Mainetarr said,

    I don’t think Katie Holmes was ever really pregnant. They are both a couple of freaks. I saw an article in US magazine showing a series of dated pictures of Katie. One month, bump. Next month, no bump. WTF? It was all bullshit. She was never preggo. NEVER!! Besides, Tom Cruise is gay.

  23. Robert said,

    Geez, if it wasn’t for the pets you’d have nothing left but those old National geographic magazines…..hmmmmm

  24. Mainetarr said,

    Thank God for pets, huh? Never a dull moment with those guys around.

    So you (Jarhead) saw a bull going at it? Must have been hard to measure up after that, wasn’t it?

  25. jarheaddoc said,

    MT, that whole scene with the bull was way before I could get it up, never mind measure it….

  26. nike shox clearance said,

    Birds do it, bees do it (Jarhead looks at sex) | The Screaming Room

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