Blue balls

July 15, 2006 at 1:22 am (Uncategorized)


On occasion, I am approached by young ladies who beg to hang around with me on the cop beat. This fascination with my work has nothing to do with me or my dazzling reporter prowess. The young ladies (a few are in their 60’s) want to join me to the police station because they have screaming thigh sweats for a couple of the officers.

Lechers. What happened to the day when cops were fat, donut eating lush bags who chain smoked, wheezed when they walked and kept liquor in the police call boxes? These days, the long arm of the law is bulked up to python dimensions through hours in the gym. And the ladies seem to have a crow like obsession with those dangling handcuffs.

Fair is fair, though. With more women on the police force these days, I can personally attest there is a good handful of them that qualify, in police jargon, as hotties. The broad squad is alive and well in the Twin Cities and ripe for a calendar along with their studly colleagues. And at this point, it becomes clear that I’ve said too much. The following is a story about a woman who called 911 with an emergency loin twitch.


ALOHA, Ore. (AP) — A woman who called 911 to get “the cutest cop I’ve seen” to sent back to her home got a date all right — a court date.
The same sheriff’s deputy arrested her on charges of misuse of the emergency dispatch system. Washington County Sheriff’s Sgt. David Thompson told KGW-TV of
Portland it all started with a noise complaint called in last month by neighbors of Lorna Jeanne Dudash. The deputy sent to check on the complaint knocked on her door, then left. Thompson said Dudash then called 911, asking that the “cutie pie” deputy return.
“He’s the cutest cop I’ve seen in a long time. I just want to know his name,” Dudash told the dispatcher. “Heck, it doesn’t come very often a good man comes to your doorstep.”
After listening to some more, followed by a bit of silence, the dispatcher asked again why Dudash needed the deputy to return.
“Honey, I’m just going to be honest with you, OK? I just thought he was cute. I’m 45 years old and I’d just like to meet him again, but I don’t know how to go about doing that without calling 911,” she said.
“I know this is absolutely not in any way, shape or form an emergency, but if you would give the officer my phone number and ask him to come back, would you mind?”
The deputy returned, verified that there was no emergency and arrested her for misusing the 911 system, an offense punishable by a fine of up to several thousand dollars and a year in jail.



  1. Cynthia said,

    ” What happened to the day when cops were fat, donut eating lush bags who chain smoked, wheezed when they walked and kept liquor in the police call boxes?”

    Baby, they all moved to the Chicago deskcop beat. A lot of them seem to direct traffic in a very disgruntled fashion.

    The one from Woodridge, Illinois that pulled me over last December, however, was quite trim!

  2. LaFlamme said,

    Clearly, Cynthia is rattled by the stud muffin pictured above. And who can blame her?
    But seriously, you have fat cops in Chicago? Rugged city, that. Does Leroy Brown still live down that way? That bastard stole my girl.

  3. Cynthia said,

    Dude, there’s a stuffed pizza joint on every corner. Of COURSE we have fat cops in Chicago. It’s practically a pre-req.

    Sorry about that Leroy. Far as I heard, he’s still meaner than a junkyard dog, so I steer clear. I’m a cat person, myself…

  4. Linda said,

    OK, who’s been to Reno? Do the cops really wear those shorts??

  5. AO said,

    “Screaming thigh sweats”…good one.

  6. Cynthia said,

    Yes, and can you imagine the pain of having “screaming thigh sweats” in THOSE shorts?

  7. Bobbie said,

    The bike cops in Denver don’t wear those shorts, but they do wear the form fitting bicycle pants around town. Some of them look really good in them while others look like they need to be shot by the fashion police.

  8. LaFlamme said,

    I was more partial to “emergency loin twitch,” myself.

  9. AO said,

    They both sound like some strange type of disease. Wonder what the remeady would be? 😉

  10. Cynthia said,

    “emergency loin twitch”, eh? Must be a guy thing.

  11. Mainetarr said,

    yeah, there are a few hotties on the LPD. I can think of a civilian that works at the LPD too, that was pretty hot. Remember that hottie that figured out where the bank robber was going to hit next–and they busted the guy? I forget his name, but he was hot. Front page of the SJ, hmmmph, he’d be cute in a calendar.

  12. Mainetarr said,

    I saw an ACS guy the other day driving a pickup, man, that guy made my liver quiver. I wouldn’t mind getting arrested by that guy. Damn!!! Almost made me wanna knock over the Cumberland Farms in McFalls when I saw him. He was HAWT (as Nadine would say).

  13. Linda said,

    It must be the heat — even this subject isn’t getting us jumping up and down very much …”screaming thigh sweats” has a whole different sound in this weather.

  14. AO said,

    Eh…I know what you mean, Linda. “Screaming thigh sweats” are not fun in this weather! And, the damned squirrels have slowed down the opening of my pool. It’s too damned cloudy to go swimming in. So, I’m keeping the AC cranked.

    MT…Yeah, WHO was that masked man that figured out the next stop on the bank robbers list? He was HAWT!! Where is he? He’s a mystery!

  15. Mainetarr said,

    We just got home from Pet Quarters and Chris has fired up the grill. He attempted to mow the yard, but it was too darn hot. Gonna attempt to finish it after 8pm. I want to take a cruise down to OOB later, after the steaks and corn are done. Just sooooo hot I hate to go outside again.

  16. AO said,

    MT, those yellow roses, on the side of your house? Need some weeding! Just thought you’d like to know! I mean, we wouldn’t want them to die, would we?? He-he!

  17. Hottiefinder said,

    found that ASO hotty on this site. lol

  18. Linda said,

    Even that didn’t stir up conversation … my God, our brains must have been stolen by aliens!!! Who are we? Pod people??!!

  19. AO said,

    Eh…I’ve seen that before, Linda. It’s an oldie that The Weasel posted. Gawd forbid we all turn into “Pod People”!!

  20. LaFlamme said,

    Naaaaaaaasty. Good soundtrack, though. A lively beat you can dance to. Freak.

  21. Cynthia said,

    Wait…was that the “emergency loin twitch” that all the kids are talking about these days?

  22. Mainetarr said,

    Oh geesh…thank God I didn’t open that bad boy at work.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: