Get a haircut

July 17, 2006 at 2:05 am (Uncategorized)

blossom.jpgBy and large, I don’t give a crap what my hair looks like. When I was a teen, I wore it long and feathered. I didn’t want to be bothered with the feather, but my attempts to grow a Jim Morrisonesque do were foiled by the thickness of that hair jungle.

Later, in the early 90’s, perhaps, I opted to have my hair spiked. It seemed like an easy, low maintenance way out and my hair tends to stand up on its own. Eventually, I began looking like celery stalk, however, and the next choice was entirely logical. I had just about all of my hair chopped off and farewell to even thinking about the real estate on top of my head.

With all of this in mind, though, the worst haircut I ever had was in a section of city called Denbigh down in Newport News, Va. I went in for a simple flattop and came out looking like a resident of a nuclear fall out shelter. Denbigh is in the neighborhood of a military base. The barber shop had NASCAR posters on the walls and there might have been a confederate flag or two attempting to look discreet. I mean, what the hell was I thinking?

These days, I’ll let any one of you chop my hair with a cheese grater if it gets me in and out of the chair fairly quickly. Sitting for a haircut for me is like sitting through a dentist appointment. Who wants to sit still while some gum snapping gossip circumnavigates your body and goes at your head with sharp implements? Not me, man. Not me.

I welcome photos from your haircut horrors or just gawd awful do’s you wore back in the 70’s, when the Travolta look was all the rage, or from the 80’s, when you pissed off your parents with that punk cut. Bonus for green or purple locks. And for those of who weren’t around last year, the above photo was presented of proof that me and the chick who played Blossom are one in the same.

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38 Comments

  1. Mainetarr said,

    Ah yes, there he is, our little blossom…

    I have had my share of crappy haircuts, that’s for sure. When I was a kid, my mother used to cut my bangs, and I have many many pictures proving that she was indeed drunk or blind. Once, I had a friend going to Mansfield Beauty Academy on Lisbon Street and he convinced me to come in and be a “hair model”. Like a dumbass, I agreed and he gave me my first “perm.” When the rollers came out, I looked like a cross between a french poodle and a Q-tip. Bastard. As a kid, I had the Dorothy Hamil, pixie, mushroom cut, shag, you name it. The only time I succumbed to a “popular”cut as an adult was when I had the “Rachel” cut-from friends. I loved that cut. These days, it’s all about simplicity.

  2. jarheaddoc said,

    I am sympatico with the parent induced hair nightmare, MT. We used to get the old ‘bald eagle’ from my father. These days the old bastard would be in prison for child abuse for the way he left our heads all cut up. Granted, it wasn’t his fault so much as ours, as we never sat still.

    I like to be able to just jump out of the shower and give my hair about two good swipes with the towel and call it good. I usually go from one extreme to the other when I get a hair cut: from Beaker to Sam the Bald Eagle.

  3. jarheaddoc said,

    Where the hell is K2 these days?

  4. Linda said,

    And what’s his hair story?

    I’d like my hair to be dry before 10 a.m. but that’s not going to happen in this humidity unless I cut two thirds of it off (or blow hot air on it for 15 minutes, which isn’t going to happen either).

    So far it’s unanimous: simple is good.

  5. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    While my experience isn’t necessarily with a bad haircut, it is an example of what can happen if you try to change hair colors. For eight months in college I dyed my hair jet black. Great look, but a nightmare to undo. When I decided to go back to red, my hair had to be bleached several times to strip away all the years of black and red hair dye. Thanks to the bleach and the dye remnants, I kind of resembled a decomposing pumpkin. Another customer at the salon who observed what was going on actually wished me luck as the transformation reached its final stages. Thankfully my red hair was completely restored, but the image of me going through the process was seared into my consciousness, reminding me of what can happen when I try a more extreme look.

  6. Dave said,

    Ahh… the 70’s… I had hair down to my shoulders. Fast forward thirty years, a crew cut.

    I’ve given up. Heredity is working against me, and the hair disappearing. Rather than looking silly by attempting “combovers”, I’ve opted for a crewcut. Best thing I’ve done in a while. No maintenance. Easy to dry. Just gotta be careful to wear my baseball cap while out in the sun to ward off potential nasty sunburn on the scalp.

  7. jarheaddoc said,

    Ah, the comb over! What a nice little way to tell people that bald is not beautiful and you’d rather look stupid

  8. Gil said,

    When I was a kid we got the traditional bowl cut from Grandma in the living room. Later we graduated to the ever popular redneck crewcut. I finally rebelled when I turned 15 and grew it long, past my shoulders, occasonally in a braided ponytail. The night before bootcamp a girlfriend cut my ponytail and kept it, rather than let the butchers at basic hack it off. As far as I know she still has it. After the traditional military cut for years, I’ve now let it grow back out, Not quite past the collar, but there is no real style to it.

  9. Linda said,

    Great story about the ponytail Gil. Wonder if she still has it, and if so, how she explains it? I had some of a boyfriend’s hair once (cut off, not pulled out) but as soon as he became history, the hair followed IMMEDIATELY after.

  10. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, the ponytail story reminds me of a movie about a runner and starring Michael Landon. This was clearly a supressed memory because now I can’t remember the name of that flick.

  11. Linda said,

  12. LaFlamme said,

    Yep. That’s it. By why did a blog about a ponytail remind me of it? Is there another parable somewhere out there about a runner who couldn’t run effectively without his hair? I’m mentally blocked here.

  13. Robert said,

    Ahhh.the good old days…mom gave me and little brother each $7.00 for a haircut at Fred’s in New Auburn, somehow my brother never showed but came home with a poor imitation of a haircut….as he later explained, hey its only $3.00 at Hansons Barber school on Lisbon Street (heck yes I’m old), so I’ve got $4.00 for me….I continued going to fred’s until the day a certain barber started playing with my hair and telling me I needed a perm to look fabulous…I’ve never gone back….

    File that under things that go bump in the night….

  14. Linda said,

    Samson and Delilah, Mark?

  15. LaFlamme said,

    That’s probably it. Damn, what’s my problem today?

  16. LaFlamme said,

    Robert wins the prize for creepiest barber story.

  17. Oopsy said,

    I’ll just keep on going to the cool little gay guy who trims my locks OK and gives me a glass of wine while we are at it.

  18. LaFlamme said,

    Doesn’t hair fall in our wine? Ah, who cares. It’s hooch.

  19. Busy Bee said,

    Had a barber who used to rub his crank against my shoulder……….

  20. LaFlamme said,

    Against your shoulder?? Was he way tall or were you down on your knees at the time?

  21. AO said,

    I don’t think I want to know.

  22. Busy Bee said,

    I was sitting on k2’s lap

  23. Gil said,

    Is that busy bee or flowbee?
    http://www.flowbee.com/

  24. Bulldog said,

    Flowbee’s!!!! argh! My mom attempted to cut my hair with one of those stupid things! If it wasn’t for me being at the age where I was beginning to flower, you would have thought I was a boy. I’ve gotta find that picture. It’s horrible!!

  25. Mainetarr said,

    My mom had a flobee too, what a piece of shit that was. Every kid on my block had the same look for a while.

    I remember once in my early 20’s, my pal Patti and I told a bunch of people at a party we could cut hair. Well, many shots of tequila later, we had a line of guys wanting haircuts. Patti and I tried to keep a straight face and I went first. The first guy had really curly hair, so I just started cutting away. It actually came out pretty good, but it IS kinda hard to screw up curly hair. Next up, Patti’s “client” hopped onto the barstool. Freaking nightmare. Poker straight hair, baby fine, even a professional would have had a hard time. Came out looking like the lost Beatle. Hysterical. We conned him into a crew cut and lucky for us, the rest of the crew followed suit. We never laughed so hard in our lives. Boys are so dumb. LOL

  26. jarheaddoc said,

    DUMB?! Yeah, we’d rather spend our money on a meal and a movie in the hopes of getting a hummer or something more than on ten gazillion different types of hair care shit that stink and a hair dryer that cost more than my first car did.

    Bite me, MT.

  27. Linda said,

    Yeah, jd, my husband’s like that too. For years he insisted that I cut his hair, even though I really didn’t do a very good job. He didn’t care! it was a whole ritual. Finally we compromised and he started going to a barber.

    I’m a little worried now because his barber is about 80 years old and it’ll be the same thing all over again when he retires from cutting hair, I know.

  28. Mainetarr said,

    Chris has been sporting a shaved head as of late, and I have been doing the honors. Another haircut I cannot mess up. Gotta love that.

    Linda, so sorry to hear of your loss. My deepest condolances…you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  29. Linda said,

    Thanks very much MT. I do appreciate it.

    For those wondering — a friend of mine died by drowning.

  30. Martha said,

    Linda, sorry to hear that.

    Wow, have I missed a bunch of stuff. Changing shifts at work. I even have a day off.
    Haircuts.. My mother used to cut mine, and didn’t do too badly. I usually had her keep it pretty short till I realized I looked as much like a guy and my brother and his buddy did.
    Right now, mine is about midway down my back. I didn’t think I’d ever grow it out again until I broke my wrist last winter and couldn’t justify the price of a haircut. I figure I’ve let it get this long, I’ll keep it till its long enough to donate, then get it chopped off.

    Bad combovers.. LOL.. we have a guy where I work whose hair is long enough he wears it in a ponytail, but has to comb over the top because there’s nothing there.. It looks REALLY silly.

  31. Linda said,

    Donate! Maybe that’s what Gil’s old girlfriend did with his ponytail: Locks of Love!! Do you think so, Gil?

  32. Martha said,

    When I finally get mine cut, I’ll donate it to either that organization, or one similar to it.

  33. Mainetarr said,

    My pal Debbie just donated 26 inches of flaming red hair to Locks of Love. What a great organization!!

    Maybe Gil’s girlfriend used it in some magic poition, or better yet, maybe she sewed it onto a voodoo doll. Can you imagine? Dance Gil!!! Dance!!!

  34. AO said,

    I was going to donate ….several inches of my daughters hair a few years back but…I couldn’t part with it. Long story. I still have that very long braid.

  35. LaFlamme said,

    I’d comment further on the matter of hair, but I’m mired in deep depression. The Royals lost a heartbreaker to the Sox.

  36. Linda said,

    Aren’t all their games heartbreakers? One way or another?

  37. AO said,

    Thank God they lost!

    Mark, you don’t have any hair to comment on.

  38. Martha said,

    speaking of cutting… I had to go cut my grass after the sun got down. I think I work harder on my days off than when I work. But its done..

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