Buzz kill

July 23, 2006 at 11:24 pm (Uncategorized)


So I’m starting my seasonal panic. July is on its way out and all we have left is August. September is right on the heels of that and beyond it, cold dark death. The death of snow banks, penis shrinking cold, and night that falls at 3 p.m.

Few people are more irritating than me when late summer desperation begins. Every day must involve some form of recreation involving the sun. Every meal must be cooked on the grill, even if it’s cold cereal. I refuse to go to bed because summer nights are the best, and I won’t wear long pants even at a funeral.

Tick-friggin-tock, people. In six weeks, we could have a frost. It will be time to put away window fans and turn on the heat. Days will get woefully shorter and the beaches will be too cold to swim in. Instead of the sweet smell of mown grass, you’ll get the scrotum crawling sound of shovels scraping down to pavement. Instead of drives with the windows down, you’ll have white knuckle excursions on tires that slip on snow slicked roads.

As the terminall morose Jim Morrison said: “Morning found us calmly unaware/noon burned gold into our hair/at night we swam the laughing sea/when summer’s gone… Where will we be?”

I need more time. I need to embrace summer as if we were drunken lovers. I need a goddamn vacation.

Which I will get starting next weekend. Heading north, my friends. Gonna swim naked, sleep in a tent and drink a mile of Pabst Blue Ribbon. For that week, the blog will be taken over by a mystery administrator who will probably cause barfights and bodily mishaps. Prepare yourselves. And if you have any burning thoughts you want to share, send them to me and I’ll pass them along to be posted in my absence. Deviant sexual confessions are welcomed.


  1. Bobbie said,

    Stop whining before someone bitch slaps you into next week just like Garfield did to poor Odie one week. I like summer just as much as you do, but try living in a state where it can snow 365 days a year if the weather’s right. I have photos of snow on Monarch Pass when we went camping for the week. My granddaughter thought it was so cool to see snow in July. I forgave her because she’s never been up to 11,000 feet before. I figured the high altitude was messing with her head.

    In all seriousness, we can have snow year round here given the right weather conditions. Some years, Pikes Peak will have snow on it year round. And before someone calls me on it, Garfield kicked Odie into next week, but the same principle applies.

  2. Mainetarr said,

    I am one of those asshats that loves winter. The other day when temperatures topped 100 I was lighting candles praying for snow. I was looking at pictures of Alaska and the 6 months of darkness, all envious of those lucky bastards up there. Call me a freak, but there’s just something about the snow falling outside of my window with the firepalace going and a good book in my hands or a good movie on the tv.

  3. Linda said,

    I can’t wait for October, that’s my favorite month. I like it a hundred times better than July. And after October, snow! That’s what I like best. That muffled quiet when it’s snowing. Warm woolen mittens and hats. I can’t wait.

  4. Linda said,

    Mark — your post has two separate references to the effect cold weather has on your “private parts.” Do you think you dress warm enough in the winter? Maybe that’s your problem with the cold weather.

  5. jarheaddoc said,

    Ah, the change of seasons in Maine! Either you love it or you hate it. I hate snow but don’t mind the cold. March is a favortie month because it means spring is there. And September and October have got to be my two most favorite months: warm days and cool nights, perfect for sitting around the fire and just watching the flames and getting a few beer down my neck.

  6. Linda said,

    AND that harvest moon, eh? I have to tell you jd, that was one of the funniest nights on the blog ever, for me.

  7. jarheaddoc said,

  8. jarheaddoc said,

    refresh my memory, Linda. I was drinking and looking for a chastity belt for the cat, wasn’t I?

  9. Linda said,

    It was MT’s calendar. We had you down for July, I think, but you said no, October or nothing. With a riveting word picture of the harvest moon scene you had in mind. Ringing any bells?

    And by the way, seriously, does anyone know what happened to K2?

  10. jarheaddoc said,

    Ah, I remember it well, that fucking calendar. I still have to have October, as that’s about the coldest I can take without having the …ISSUES….as aptly described by Mark

  11. Linda said,

    Time to work. Poor me.

  12. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    I’m sorry to say that about the only thing I can contribute today is a lament that it is not yet fall. I miss the cooler weather and even bought a couple of sweaters last week in the misguided hope that somehow my purchase would hasten fall’s arrival. Then again, our fall and winter is not as bleak as it can be in other parts of the country.

  13. Treehugger said,

    Bring on the fall and winter. Nothing nicer then a fresh snowfall and a moonlite night!

  14. Mainetarr said,

    Yeah, I got married in the fall, it is my favorite time of year, too, but I am a cold wether lover. You rarely hear me bitching in the winter about the weather. I can’t get enough of the snow. I am not a skier or snowboarder either, just something about it. It looks so clean after a fresh snowfall. That MUST be it!! I think I just had a breakthrough. LOL

  15. Mainetarr said,

    I think we should all drop off a srtay shoe or two by that Sun Journal sign today. You guys with me?

  16. Mainetarr said,

    stray shoe, that is. Stray. Damn fingers can’t type today.

  17. Linda said,

    Not a lot of sympathy for Mark’s seasonal panic disorder, eh? Nobody else hates the cold?

    Strong affection coming through for autumn. MT, what month did you get married? And of course Mark has his Halloween rituals. And Mandy, me, jd — we all love the autumn. What should we do about it?

  18. K2 said,

    Oh my god, I agree with Treehugger. *jaw agape* Summer heat and humidity chew tube steak. Fall is the absolute tits — cool, dry, no bugs, minimal Massholes (far worse than bugs), autumnal splendor. Winter’s great if there’s actually snow. Last winter blew. (Insert global warming arguments here.) And spring can be dandy, except fot the past two from hell. Wetter than LaFlamme’s panties on a pitch-black night in Amityville.

    Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. The fambly was on vacation in upstate NY for the past 12 days or so. A rather hectic time, but worth it nonetheless.

    Saw the best live show I’ve literally ever seen at the Grassroots festival: Cryo Batista and Beat the Donkey. Absolute insanity. Prodigious musicians. Hilarious theatrics. I’m still stunned from the show. (The Brazillain pecussionist Batista has played with Santana, Herbie Hancock, et al.)

    Anyhow, keep on sweatin’ like a homo eating a hot dog. Or a drunk chick at a Kennedy party. Or Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.

  19. AO said,

    I used to love the change of seasons. Then…I married a change of season wimp. Every fall he starts moaning and groaning about the weather. It drives me nuts. As soon as the first snow flakes start flying, I’m sending him to live with Mark. That way, they can be miserable together.

    K2, the next time you go on vacation, you’d better let us know, young man!

  20. jarheaddoc said,

    Welcome back, K2. Beat the donKey *snicker*

  21. K2 said,

    AO, what? and let Treehugger and Weasel know I’m not home so they can egg and toilet paper my house? No way Jose.

    When I have some time, I’ll catch up on the happenings in the LaFlammeosphere.

  22. LaFlamme said,

    What the hell? You people are freaks! From the looks of things, me and AO’s man are the only people around here with the sense to lament the passing of summer. I’m appalled at how many of you dig the cooler months. Freeeeeeeeeaks!

  23. David Burke said,

    Hey K2 – I was at the Grassroots Festival also… the Cryo Batista and Beat the Donkey show was the best!

    What a festival – 80 bands on 4 stages over 4 days. From 9 a.m. to 5? a.m. I’ll be posting pictures on my site in the next day or so.

  24. Mainetarr said,

    Whatever you say. At least there are no bees in the winter, you hammock swinging, coffee spilling, running like a girl reporter. Ha!

  25. AO said,

    Hey, I’m still sending him to live with you. Just send him back when we have a really big storm. I’ll need him to shovel the driveway.

  26. Mainetarr said,

    Trumansberg NY. Hey I was there too!! And I am going again in October when it comes to Shakori Hills, in Silk Hope, NC. You up for a road trip K2?? What about Galumpha? What, no Galumpha fans here? And how about John Anderson? I was kinda surprised to see him there, but he was cool. Musafir was the shit, too!!

  27. LaFlamme said,

    What th… Are you people speaking in tongues?

  28. Mainetarr said,

    Nah, you missed a good time, man. A good time!

  29. AO said,

    I love Galumph. It’s really good with taco chips.

  30. LaFlamme said,

    Galumph? More tongue talk. Do you folks handle snakes, too?

  31. AO said,

    Oops! I meant to say: I love GALUMPHA. Sorry, didn’t mean to confuse you. As for handling snakes. What kind are we talking about?

  32. Bobbie said,

    Fall sucks around here, so would you guys mind sending me some honest to goodness Maine folliage pictures when it’s time? Thanks.

    I enjoy the winter, but hate when it storms, unless I get to stay at home, that is.

    Part of Mark’s problem in the winter time is that he wears the panty hose too tight and the “manly” items have nowhere to go but up.

  33. AO said,

    What “manly” items?

  34. Linda said,

    Bobbie, that “supports” my theory in comment #4

  35. Bobbie said,

    I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, AO.

  36. Mainetarr said,

    WHere is that rascal anyhow? I will send you pictures of the fall this year, I promise, Bobbie. I love that time of year. Last year we went up through Harrison and Bridgton into Fryeburg and on to Conway, NH in the fall and took pictures. Beautiful, just beautiful. Nothing like October in the mountains.

    I would think Mark would like winter since he has a hard time parting with his jacket. At least in the winter you don’t look suspicious wearing a jacket, unlike when it’s 80 degrees outside.

  37. K2 said,

    Holy fuck! MT and David, you were there?!? C-r-a-z-y! But where were the mushrooms? I guess I didn’t look hard enough. My brain seriously needs a mushrom-induced reboot.

    Only bummer was, my friend had his iBook laptop stolen out of his car, along with his wife’s purse and other shit that totalled nearly $4000. Of course, they had left their car keys in their baby’s stroller while they slept Saturday night, and somebody found ’em. I theorize that somebody camping near them saw my buddie with the laptop, and then saw them place the keys in the stroller. I mean, how would a theif figure that one out without some knowledge beforehand. (And they didn’t even steal his kind bud, which he had quite a stash of.) They are 10-year veterans of Grassroots, but they are serioulsy jaded now. A bad scene Sunday morning for them. But, while they moped, I took two of their three kids to see the Grassroots Chamber Orchestra play ‘The Barber of Seville’ and Mozart’s Symphony #25.

    However, my wife and I had our tent pissed on several times during the night(s), but that was about it.

    I still can’t believe you guys were there. MT, the Mrs. and I watched Musafir, then Mamadou Diabete, and finished with Cyro and Beat the Donkey. We caught some of Keith Frank late night too, but crashed around 2-ish. The Dance tent rocked till 6 am or so. Me too old for that shit.

    I also cleaned up bottles, cans, and trash in the infield Friday morning, and found a twenty spot. Bonus.

    And how about the rain on Saturday?

    Anyhow, I danced so freakishly hard, I feel like I played a whole day of tackle football. Still sore as shit.

    As for N. Carolina, MT, I’d love to, but the little ones and my new job prohibit it. But maybe Trumansburg next year! . . .

  38. Mainetarr said,

    K2, I am a shithead. I only saw parts of it that was bootlegged on the internet. I was looking for you, though, because you said you were going. I was yanking your chain, but Dave really was there. I was there in spirit, man. I have friends who went and I wanted to go with them, but my knee got all blown out and I had surgery on Thursday. They reported back to me today and they were also flipping out over Cyro Baptista, can not stop talking about the performance. They said it was better than any concert they had ever been too. And I have to tell you, their tent not only got peed on, but someone passed out onto it. It actually folded up while they were in it. And I know who had the shrooms, they did. I am glad to hear you had a good time, and I was watching bootleg video at 4pm on Saturday of Galumpha. Like I said, I was thinking of you K2, I was with you in spirit. But after all I heard, I am trying to scheme a way to NC.

  39. Omnius said,

    I don’t care what season it is – just get rid of the humidity, and I’m a happy geek.

  40. Linda said,

    Omnius! You are awake — I thought you were going to sleep until tomorrow.

  41. "The Weasel" said,

    Nothing like a warm summer night to cruise around in your Camero. Mullet blowing in the wind. Manly “Pornstache” to tittilate the ladies. God, how I love the summer…….

  42. Omnius said,

    I am above your puny human need for clocks, calendars, and sleep!

  43. Omnius said,

    Alright, I lied. I woke up to use the bathroom and decided to check e-mail and other websites real quick. Back to sleep.

  44. Linda said,

    “Monday, 24 Jul 2006 (Untitled) Sleep now. Zen and updates tomorrow. ”

    I’m just sayin’ …

  45. Linda said,

    Isn’t that one of the signs that you are addicted to the internet: wake up to use the bathroom and make a detour to check your email and favorite websites? I read that on a list once.

  46. LaFlamme said,

    Pornstache! I don’t know what that references, but I like it. Like it a lot. I should get one to go with my neck chain and pinky ring.

  47. Omnius said,

    It is one of the addictions I freely admit and embrace.

    And apparently what I meant by “back to sleep” was “make and eat food, do some sit-ups and go back to bed.”

  48. K2 said,

    Pinky ring or cock ring?

    MT, yeah, there’s a lot of tech geeks there, so I’m not surprised about the webcasts.

    I lived in AZ for almost two years, and 116 without hmidity is still 116. Brutal. Even an oven is dry heat.

  49. Nadine said,

    Wow, I’m just shocked that Mark captured those two pictures with accurate looking temperatures on them! Every time I drive by it’s 13 o’clock and -78 degrees, haha!

  50. "The Weasel" said,

    Nadine… Where were you at NIN?

  51. AO said,

    Gawd…I’m so far behind. Weasel….with a “mullet” driving a camero? Did I read that right? If so, Jaysus! I’m really in trouble!

  52. Mainetarr said,

    A mullet to go along with the pornstache, none the less. I wonder if he’ll be wearing just his chaps again, too?!?

  53. Herb said,

    I’m so lonely. Any 13/f/Thailand out there?

  54. Thaifood Teena said,

    Right here Herbie Baby….

  55. Herb said,

    you are too old Teena

  56. Thaifood Teena said,

    I could braid my hair paint freckles on my face. Would that work for you Herb, you big stud?

  57. Herb said,

    maybe if you painted them on your ass Teena?

  58. Asshat said,

    Situational Awareness–Scenario:

    You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

    What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

    Get off the merry go round, you’re drunk you asshat.

  59. Thaifood Teena said,

    I ain’t painting my ass for anyone, you included Herbert. Forgettaboutit.

  60. Mainetarr said,

    I’ve never seen a Weasel with a mullet. That would be funny, no? Ah, screw it, let’s all get mullets.

  61. AO said,

    A mullet and a “pornstach” eww…sounds like something from that movie with the porn star with the really big snake. What was it called?? Oh..’Boogie Nights’.

  62. Linda said,

    Weasel, I think I heard about the chaps before but I didn’t know you drive a Camaro.

  63. AO said,

    haa…Weasel and Treehugger…’Brokeback Mountain’….need I say more? Those two were crying all over each other! And…yes….The Weasel was the one in the HOT leather chaps. What a stud!

  64. K2 said,

    MT, so, I forgot to ask last night, what happened to your knee?

  65. Mainetarr said,

    Torn ACL, shredded meniscus, you know, all the stuff you don’t want in your knee….Ah well, much better now. Although I walk like I have a cement leg right now, but it is getting better every day. Thanks for asking kiddo.

  66. K2 said,

    Woah!, how the fuck did you manage that one? Did they repair the ligament, or are you on donor tissue? Details, details . . . .

  67. K2 said,

    Weasel and K2 sitting in a tree
    Wearing mullets and pornstaches so happily. . . .

  68. Dave said,

    K2 – Fortunately, I was encamped on the edge of the festival grounds – and the group I was with has two 20 foot by 14 foot lean-tos. (basically a portable garage) Keeps us nice and dry, and deflects the riff-raff from wandering into our space.

    The only downer was that the “drum circle” was moved to about 100 yards from us this year. They played until 7 a.m. on Sunday morning. Bastards.

    Even so, Grassroots is a unique festival that is worthy of attending. Too bad we couldn’t hold something like this in LA, say, perhaps, at the municipal airport?

  69. K2 said,

    Dave, were you on the cinder track? I bought a djembe for my son (and me — a quasi-Homer gift) from Nathanial at Everybody’s Drumming. And I ate Cuban, Laoation, Mexican, Chinese over my four days there.

    Grassroots in L/A? I don’t think they’re are enough folks around here who like anything but death metal and the standard classic rock or country. Or, god forbid, (c)rap. Ithaca and its surrounding environs (Cornell, Ithaca College, SUNY Cortland, Clogate, et al.) has a rather cultured and educated population. (And its share of pompous fucks.) But while Ithaca is indeed Gorges (a ubiquitous slogan there), I’ll take the geography of Maine any day of the week.

  70. David Burke said,

    Yes, just off the cinder track. Were YOU part of that tribal drumming?

    As far as Grassroots in LA, trying to attract folks to the area that are, um, different than the locals is the goal. Granted, we don’t have the surrounding environment like Ithaca does, but we do have Bates, Colby, Bowdoin, and various state universities and art colleges within an hour or so. Lots of people in Portland-Brunswick.

    Besides, a lot of people are willing to travel for events like these. (just think about the 80,000 plus that went to Limestone to see Phish) The Bangor Folk Festival has been quite successful and is continuing on. But, that is a slightly different beast, with no on-site camping.

    The key to getting it to happen would be for it to raise funds for a local community cause, or a collection of them. That might help overcome resistance from the local Puritans fearful of VW Microbuses and the like.

    As Lennon said, “…You may say that I’m a dreamer, But I’m not the only one…”

  71. K2 said,

    You have good points, but I doubt very much that the rather conservative Androscoggin County would allow anything like a Grassroots to go down.

    And although I thoroughly enjoy Grassroots, I don’t like all the damn litter — bottles, cans, trash. Isn’t it totally hypocritical of hippies to litter? I thought so.

  72. K2 said,

    And why is the SJ website the slowest on the fucking planet. I am seriously considering not renewing my e-subscription, since almost half the time, the damn thing takes so long to load, I bail out and come here.

  73. Nadine said,

    Hey Weasel!

    I was all over the place — two of the people that were going to go to the show in Feb that was cancelled backed out, so I had a seat in section V row 5, aisle seat. BUT, I also had a GA bracelet, so I had all access!! WOOT!! Because I am a fan club member, I was also let in for the “eat & greet” — met everyone in the band accept for Trent (he was “busy” pffft!), it was awesome.

    Facing the stage, my seat was way down to the left — VERY close!

    And you?

    (I have pictures and a couple video snippets — with VERY bad audio though — but if you’re interested I can email them to you. I even have pictures of the tour buses, Aaron at the “eat & greet”, and Peaches. Let me know). 🙂

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