The sting of humiliation

July 25, 2006 at 3:55 am (Uncategorized)

bee.jpg

Okay, there you have it. My worst bee encounter of the season. I was sitting on the hammock in the backyard, reading a riveting story about changes to the sex offender registry. A bee flew around my head and I swatted it very manly like. You should take note of the manly gesture because you shan’t see it again in this narrative.

A moment later, the bastard appeared right in front of my head and all manliness disappeared. I tried to blow it away and swatted at it again, but this time with outright desperation. I leaned back in the hammock, spilled coffee on my chest, and then fell over backwards.

I was recovering nicely, coffee still in one hand, when the metal frame of the hammock collapsed down on top of me. For a good ten seconds, I scrambled to free myself from the framework like a fly struggling in a spider web. Meanwhile, the fuzzy little terrorist was still circling. I swear, I heard the winged prick giggling at me. I ran, not manly at all, into the house and the little peckerhead followed me the whole way. Once inside, I got in front of the mirror and did a little pirouette in an attempt to examine my back. In doing so, I spilled more coffee, down my leg this time. Very embarassing, all of it. But hey! I didn’t get stung.

I don’t know what it is about those furry bastards. I’ve been stung a few times and I wasn’t impressed with the pain. A standard bee inflicts about as much agony as blown out match. Nothing to it. And yet I’ll still subject myself to this kind of trauma and humiliation in order to distance myself from one of them.

What thinks you? Am I a victim of evolution? A sufferer of some deep, pschological disorder? A simple self-perservationist? A big fat sissy?

Ah, I got your stinger right here.

Advertisements

69 Comments

  1. Linda said,

    Wasn’t Flamette home? You could have got her to shoo it away.

  2. K2 said,

    Cripes, my 7-year-old nephew just got stung the other day and didn’t even flinch, and he’s a sally gaggle for the most part.

    I think the more you swat at a bee, the more likely it’s going to get pissed and go after your ass. Live and let live. And if that doesn’t work, kill indiscriminately.

    Now wasps, on the other hand, they’re the Crips and the Bloods of the flying entomological world.

    And who the hell drinks coffee in a hammock? It’s gotta be a beer or some other adult beverage, man. Sounds like you were actually wearing a banana hammock the whole time.

    Oh, and jd, thanks for the welcome back yesterday. Call me a paranoid NYer, but I question the sagacity of alerting the entire Internet to one’s two-week absense from home. That’s why I didn’t give a heads up here in the LaFlammeosphere. Cripes, Martha might have driven up from PA and burned scripture into my yard.

    And speaking of yard, I just bought a phat Cub Cadet lawn tractor with a bagger from Waterman’s yesterday. I’ve been mowing my nearly-an-acre yard by hand for seven years, but no more. I think the cup (read: beer) holder is the best feature. And I got 12 months to pay with zero interest. Sweet!

  3. Mainetarr said,

    I still say you guys could have made a fortune if Flamette was video taping that one. America’s Funniest Videos would have been clammering over that one. With all the wacky stuff you do, I am surprised there is not a video camera constantly going in your house.

  4. jarheaddoc said,

    I think he was drinking a cappucino and reading somethng about home improvement while he waited for martha stewart to return his call about a doilie project and the bee smelled his manliness leaving his body in the form of sweat.

  5. Tom Bergeron said,

    Actually, Ms Tarr, there is. However you appear to be cheap to pay the $49.95 monthly fee for unlimited on line access. You could reduce the price with the $499.95 yearly access fee, however we don’t believe the LaFlammes will be amusing for that long.

  6. jarheaddoc said,

    K2, that lawn tractor is still a boy’s toy until you can put a backhoe on it. A real man don’t need no stinkin’ cup holder, he holds his brew between his legs and uses the suicide knob to drive while he carves his name in the grass.

    Can it outrun an angry horde of ground hornets when you run over their nests?

    I am so jealous.

  7. jarheaddoc said,

    Whoa, Tom, now you’re getting personal. Can you see this? I have my fingers in my ears and I’m wiggling them at you and sticking my tongue out at you and making crazy person noises.

    And if you can’t envision that, pluck yew!

  8. Oopsy said,

    Does one have to be manly to get enthusiastically upset over a bee? I mean, we females are sometimes also the object of the attention of a wicked stinging thing!! I am sooo embarrassed to admit that I was once stung twice in an afternoon by THE SAME BUMBLEBEE! Arrrggghhh!! The humiliation of it! Damn bee was on the back of the bench seat of the truck and I put my arm up there and, yeah, got hit hurtfully! Yelped, swept bee off arm, jumped out of truck, did the ice, lotion, whatever, thing. Hour later, got back in the truck – this time sitting on said bee (still there) and getting stung in the thigh. Major swellling this time.

    Now I panic when I see anything remotely looking like a bee or wasp and holler for the “manly” person to swat it!

  9. K2 said,

    I don’t beelieve it, Oopsy.

  10. AO said,

    I’m the bee/wasp slayer in my family. My husband is deathly afraid of any type of bee or wasp. He once had a very waspy accident. He was using a hatchet to cut away some brush when he disturbed a wasps nest. They all came angrily swarming out at him. What did he do? He started swinging at them with his hatchet, even the ones on his arm. He now has a nice scar on his arm where he tried to swat them off. I wish I could have been there to see that. I also wish I could have been there to see your little incident, Mark. I could use a good laugh.

  11. jarheaddoc said,

    About the only thing that could have been more humiliating would have been for mark to step in and slip on a dog turd while doing the dance, and find out about the stinky hitchhiker when he got into the house.

    Would you have spilled a beer, mark?

  12. Linda said,

    We better be careful or Tom Bergeron WILL start snooping around. AO, that story made me spray ice water on my screen — almost NSFW! I had to stop and clean it off before I could comment. The picture of Roch swiping at bees with a hatchet –its just so Bill and Ted.

    I’d rather have bees and wasps than the slimy damp-living critters that we covered a few days ago. Of course I DO like to be prepared, and I usually have benadryl. Came in handy on Memorial Day, when I got stung in the car. I unpacked my benadryl, ibuprofen, and cortisone cream and my husband just laughed — said what are we, Drugs R Us?

  13. Oopsy said,

    My favorite “”memorable” scene was of my husband walking up a trout stream fishing, and so engrossed in the sport that he didnt see the hornets nest til he ran into it – well, let me tell you, he dove for that stream in a mighty big hurry! (even tho it was only about 18 inches deep, it did protect him from the nasty buzzers).

    And of course, Linda, we are Drugs R Us…….. and you didnt even start to mention the prescriptions that we just cant live without any more….

    Can’t imagine swinging at a bee with a hatchet. Crazy takes all forms….. :>)

  14. Oopsy said,

    Peaceful sipping a cold can
    Then, pain of
    Yellow jacket finding tongue.

  15. Bobbie said,

    What’s even worse than finding the flying version of hornets, wasps and bees is finding the ground version the hard way. Before you even know what’s going on, those suckers are in your clothing, really making you do a dance.

    I usually avoid flying things that sting simply because benadryl makes me have a much worse reaction than the flying insects would and zyrtec doesn’t work fast enough for me.

    Before we went camping, my SIL was kind enough to remove 3 large nests from under a canopy the previous tenants were kind enough to put up. They (along with the much smaller version found under the porch roof) were all sprayed with varnish and now await shipment to someone who’s been wanting some nests for their collection. In the short five days that we were gone, the buggers managed to make another nest. The spray can of varnish came out again and now the nest is permanently attached to the screen and the side of the house. As long as I remember to point the can in the right direction when I’m spraying it, that’s how I’m going to be getting rid of those pesky things from now on..

  16. Mainetarr said,

    Mr. Bergeron, it’s not that I am cheap, I was unaware they had such a thing. Although $49.95 is a little steep. Is there anything esle that is included in this access channel?

  17. Mr. Bergeron said,

    I can arrange for a camera in your bathroom Mainetarr. Would you like that in the shower or the toilet?

  18. Mr. Bergeron said,

    There is, of course, the waterproofing charge for the camera for either location.

  19. LaFlamme said,

    JD. if I had beer at the time of the invasion, and enough of it, I wouldn’t have given a hang about some circling bee. Ah, sweet liquid bravery. Or at least sweet liquid indifference.

  20. LaFlamme said,

    Again, I’m with your husband, AO. Better to lop off a limb than let one of those fuzzy bastard fly down your shirt or up your pant leg.

  21. K2 said,

    Would you use a bee’s thorax? (Best I could do, man.)

  22. LaFlamme said,

    That sounds vaguely Dr. Suessian. Also, I don’t get it.

  23. K2 said,

    A thor-ax to lop off a limb? Wasn’t a hatchet mentioned earlier? The thorax is the middle section of a bee. A turd in the punch bowl is my lame pun.

  24. Linda said,

    I thought you meant a Scandinavian warrior’s battle ax, K2

  25. jarheaddoc said,

    You’re out of practice, K2: vacation hangover

  26. jarheaddoc said,

    The self-amputation of a limb strikes me as quite draconian, mark. Why not just wrap some gasoline soaked rags around a stick and hang it off your ass? The bees wold probably seem pretty minor to that flame setting your ass hairs on fire.

  27. K2 said,

    Keister Sutherland? Anyone?

  28. LaFlamme said,

    Thor-ax. No, that’s pretty good.

  29. jarheaddoc said,

    That’s better, K2

  30. AO said,

    Thor-ax. I like it. My husband would have a fit if he knew that I told that story in here! Ha.

  31. Nadine said,

    I have only been stung by a bee once in my life — and it was last year.

    Black flies on the other hand…

    Bastards!! Hehe!

  32. Linda said,

    Here’s what I am wondering. While Mark’s away, will we turn on each other with ferocious mocking glee, the way we do to him?

    Just trying to decide if I need to get refills on my Prozac. And Nexium. In case, you know?

  33. Linda said,

    What the hell, guess I’d better.

  34. we don't need no stinkin pills! said,

    FUCK THE PILLS LINDA LISTEN TO THE VOICES….THAT MANY VOICES ALL TELLLING YOU DIFFERENT THINGS CAN’T ALL BE WRONG

  35. Linda said,

    The voices are saying, run! Hide!

  36. AO said,

    Got anything better than Prozac, Linda? Just…wondering!

  37. Linda said,

    I’ll stock up for next week. The voices say I should.

  38. jarheaddoc said,

    I’ve learned to ignore the voices, but those goddam visions are killing me

  39. Linda said,

    I read a book called “Seeing Voices”, by Oliver Sacks, a neurologist. (MT knows who I mean.) It was pretty academic, about deafness — but I LOVE the title.

    Does that fit your voices / visions, jd?

  40. K2 said,

    For me, I just smell the need to kill. Kinda bittersweet, with hints of espresso and cinnamon. Mmmmm . . . sweet death.

  41. LaFlamme said,

    I also have frequent breaks from reality.

  42. Linda said,

    Reality is probably overrated anyhow.

  43. K2 said,

    Reality is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.

  44. jarheaddoc said,

    The world just makes a lot more sense to me when I don’t wear my glasses: denial is a wonderful state of mind

  45. AO said,

    Reality IS overrated. And, when I take my glasses off, hell, I’m as blind as a bat. (eww…bats!) So, I always keep them on. Too bad for my kids!

  46. Bobbie said,

    Why is it when some guys cook, they can never do it all by themselves and have to ask the wife for help?

  47. Mainetarr said,

    When I take my glasses off, I turn into Mrs. Magoo. What I need to do, it step away from the television and stop watching the war in Isreal and Lebanon. It is starting to get to me like 9-11 did. I believe I am suffering from overexposure. I can tell you where every single reporter for Fox news is positioned, what bomb hit what town and so on. I gotta get back to work. Damn knee.

    Speaking of glasses, JD, maybe your buddy Scott can by you some new ones. I hear he is loaded!!

    K2, I heard you mention a new job. Care to expand on that any?

  48. Mainetarr said,

    Jeff bugging you Bobbie?

    K2, does the need to kill smell like blinker fluid?

  49. Linda said,

    Scott still has money? Is he the Powerball guy with a Harley and a nice ass?

  50. Linda said,

    Bobbie look on the bright side, at least they’re the same with sex

  51. Bobbie said,

    And would someone also please explain to my why if a wife does not like the taste of onions and green peppers and the husband goes to the trouble of making 2 separate meatloafs so those ingredients aren’t in the wife’s, why in the world would the husband cook his meatloaf in the same pan that he’s cooking his wife’s in knowing that there will be flavor transfer between the two?

  52. Bobbie said,

    Did I miss something, Linda? I don’t understand your comment.

    And the answer is yes, Mainetarr. BIG TIME!

  53. Linda said,

    “Why is it when some guys cook, they can never do it all by themselves and have to ask the wife for help?”

  54. Bobbie said,

    I just re-read your comment, Linda. Now it makes sense. A definite DUH moment for me. Sorry about that.

  55. K2 said,

    MT, you never did tell me/us how your knee ended up in the wood chipper. (Tell me you loved ‘Fargo.’)

    Well, to gain respect from Weasel and Treehugger, I went out and found real manly work. Well, actually, I’m writing for Alternative Medicine, out of Boulder, CO. (I think they’re changing their name to Living Naturally, since ‘medicine’ evokes some bad vibes from the holistic crowd.) It’s got a circulation of nearly 175,000. Not a heavy hitter (which are generally 250,000 or more), but it’s no small fry. I’ve been writing science news items for them for a couple months now, and they just gave me a raise yesterday and want me to start writing intermediate pieces and a feature article on — you won’t believe this — the benefits of hemp. Now it’s become a balancing act between my kids, the job and my end-stage alcoholism. Cripes, I was insane before this gig, why not up the ante? While it ain’t a highly regarded horror novel or an award-winning column, it is getting paid to write. I think my first stuff appears in a supplemental issue next month, called Natural Solutions. Other than that, me know nutting.

    That’s why I treated myself to the lawn tractor yesterday. Five hours a week mowing my yard by hand (especially in this heat) became one of my banes. That’s five hours I could be writing. Or smoking bongs.

    Well, enough about me. Back to the Isreali/Hezbollah conflict. I think the Rapture index is through the roof. . . .

  56. Linda said,

    Glad it’s going so well K2 — sounds like a great fit for you.

  57. K2 said,

    Thanks, Linda. It sure has started out well. They seem really pleased with my work, and just doubled my pay. *smiling like Shylock*

    And Bobbie, as the cook in my house, I know all about disparate taste infusion. If my wife had any green beans in the same county as her food, she’d go into anaphylactic shock. Well, not really, but I’d be stuck with Rosy Palm and her five sisters for a while.

  58. Bobbie said,

    Rapture Index 156
    Net Change +1

    Updated Jul 24, 2006
    Record High 182 Record Low 57
    24 Sept 01 12 Dec 93

    actually, it’s still got a ways to go, k2.

    Sorry-typing around the cat again.

  59. K2 said,

    Good, there’s still time to accumulate more illicit narcotics for my end-of-the-world emergency kit. I do have the lawn chair and Margaritas ready, though.

  60. Bobbie said,

    Aren’t they watered down now because the ice keeps melting? Or do you have the powdered version on hand and just have to add the alcohol at the appropriate time?

    I can sympathize with your wife, K2. Certain foods on certain days will do the same thing to me.

  61. AO said,

    Sorry…couldn’t get beyond: ‘Guy with a Harley and a nice ass’.

  62. AO said,

    Hope he’s not afraid of bee’s.

  63. Mainetarr said,

    Congrats K2, good luck with the writing. At least you have already done your research for the next article, you pothead. LOL

    Bobbie, you don’t like green peppers and onions? You sound like Chris, picky bastard.

  64. AO said,

    Kudos!! K2! And, I LOVED Fargo. I just caught some of it on some lame cable station the other day. Too many commercials…ruined the movie. I love Frances.

  65. AO said,

    Oh..and not to mention, William H. Macy. He has to be one of the oddest actors out there .And, that’s why I love him so much. But, not as much as I love Harrison Ford!

  66. Linda said,

    I hope Harrison Ford realizes that you’re his greatest fan, AO

  67. Bobbie said,

    Mainetarr,
    I would eat green peppers and onions if I could. They have done horrible things to my stomach ever since I was pregnant with my daughter. It’s only the raw stuff that bothers me because I can use onion powder without any of the hassles.

  68. Bobbie said,

    Thank you, AO. I couldn’t think of the name of the actor who played “The Shoveler” in the movie “Mystery Men”. This movie also had Pee Wee Herman at his best as “The Spleen”. You definitely did not want to pull his finger because he’d knock you over with the stench.

  69. K2 said,

    Thanks, AO.

    I dig Ford, but only as Han Solo and Indiana Jones. Everything else I’ve seen him in was not to my liking. Me sorry.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: