Un fly de Espanol

July 30, 2006 at 2:03 am (Uncategorized)

spanish.jpgMy buddy and I saved up for weeks to pay for the magical, elusive drug known as Spanish Fly. The older kid we got it from assured us it would drive our girlfriends wild. We forked over the dough and scurried away with a packet of this mystical stuff. Soon, we reasoned. Soon our playful but hesitant girlfriends would be all over us like big hair on a porn star. Turns out we were right, too. But it had nothing to do with the mysterious powder. The very night we intended to spring it on the damsels, they got into the Khalua and worked themselves into a pubescent frenzy without any additional help.

All’s well that ends well was the overall theme of the evening.

Sooner or later, we gave up on the idea of Spanish Fly altogether. We worked on things like smooth pickup lines and bathing in order to entice the girls. That powder, we figured, was probably another urban hoax designed to lure money out of horny teens. Who wanted to be a part of that?

Turns out the stuff is legit. I just stumbled upon a Wikipedia entry in which it is explained that Spanish Fly is actually derived from an emerald green beetle that features a chemical that irritates the skin of animals. But before you go scurrying to get some for the frigid object of your desire, take a gander at the last line of the write-up. And good luck hooking up, you horny bastard.

The crushed powder of Spanish fly is of yellowish brown to brown-olive color with iridescent reflections, of disagreeable scent and bitter flavor. Spanish fly, or cantharides as it is sometimes called, is often given to farm animals to incite them to mating. The cantharides excreted in the urine irritate the urethral passages, causing inflammation in the genitals. For this reason, Spanish fly has been given to humans for purposes of seduction. It is dangerous since the amount required is minuscule and the difference between the effective dose and the harmful dose is quite narrow. Cantharides cause painful urination, fever, and sometimes bloody discharge. They can cause permanent damage to the kidneys and genitals.

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66 Comments

  1. jarheaddoc said,

    Graphic proof that men will do anything except ask for sex in order to try to get some. The money might be better spent on something shiny and permanent.

  2. Linda said,

    That’s oddly sweet, jd.

    Mark’s story is probably about young boys — I certainly hope so since he’s talking about pubescent girls. Things may (or may not) be different now, but when Mark was that age, there was a lot of programming for girls NOT to say yes. The oblique approach was much more effective. So manipulation was part of the game, right? and it certainly wasn’t always the girls being manipulated. I don’t think teenaged boys had any idea how much energy girls put into getting their own way.

  3. LaFlamme said,

    True that. Those were simpler times. Boys were designed by nature to be horndogs, girls were designed to flirty and coy. Spanish fly was more urban legend than science. I never heard of a single guy getting his way through ground beetle. These days, there are roofies, Ecstacy and other such concoctions. More date rape than teen enthusiasm.

  4. jarheaddoc said,

    Sad but true, mark

  5. Linda said,

    So it’s agreed: men are mad, bad, and dangerous to know.

  6. jarheaddoc said,

    No, that’s just your opinion, Linda. What did your husbnd say to you that mad you so mad? You scare people, right? I forget the exact wording, so how about you refresh our institutional memory?

  7. LaFlamme said,

    I’m pretty bad. Yeah.

  8. Linda said,

    Yes, well my last comment wasn’t my own words, I should have given the source. But it’s a bit obscure, from my literary past. A crazy woman with the same birthday as me said it about her lover, Lord Byron.

    You do know how to go for the jugular though jd. I still seethe about that remark — he said that I intimidate people. I said what people, and he said, earthlings. Like I was from a galaxy far away or something. It was a kind of watershed in our eons-long marriage.

  9. LaFlamme said,

    Excellent. I’m not even out of city limits yet and fur is flying. I hope to find broken furniture when I get back. And scars and missing parts.

  10. AO said,

    When THE hell are you leaving? Sheesh!! Go away already!! Hope you have fun. You’ll be missed!

  11. LaFlamme said,

    You know how it works. I’ve been ready for an hour. Waiting, waiting, waiting…

  12. AO said,

    So, where are you going? Up North?

  13. Bobbie said,

    Linda,
    If it helps any, my husband also refers to me as intimidating. Maybe it has something to do with the “drill sergeant voice” that I’ve been known to shift to on occasion, the “kill you where you stand” look that he’s been on the receiving end of a time or two over the years or the cold, quiet tone that goes with that look. I don’t see it myself, but then again, what do I know, right?

  14. Linda said,

    Bobbie, I don’t exactly have the drill sergeant voice but I DO have the “electric knife woman” tone (and as you say, the look that goes with it). That’s what my SILs used to call me, Electric Knife Woman, but they were never intimidated by it …

  15. Linda said,

    Dammit jd, now look what you’ve done, I’m all pissed off over that remark all over again. Tried for a month to let it go and I thought I had.

    Hate it when you do that.

  16. jarheaddoc said,

    Linda, every keyboard I’ve ever dealth with has these little marks on them: ” “. Try putting stuff between them and attributing it to someone. Anyone. Lie, even.

    The funny thing about the segue between a man’s desire to get some and the looks that women give them is definitely there. Must be, I noticed it.

  17. jarheaddoc said,

    Women need to get rid of the cold shoulder and dirty look and all that crap. Motherfucker, you want us to communicate, then you don’t, and place the blame on the dude who has supposedly offended you. Now, if you opened your mouths and passed air between your vocal cords and shaped it with your tongue and expressed a decent thought, maybe, just maybe, you would find that the man’s ears are indeed working, and what you thought was his ignorance was really your own lack of speaking.

    “Don’t project your bullshit onto me. I’d listen if you said something worth listening to.” Every man in the world at some point in time.

  18. Linda said,

    I’m having a hard time following you today jd. Sounds like you think men never do anything annoying to women other than want sex from them. Is that your point?

    So does that mean that the blank stares, the sarcasm, all the little annoying shit as well as the big clanking bonehead screw-ups, all of those are part of the mating dance and we are supposed to regard them as foreplay?

    Is that what you are saying?

    Well good luck to you mate.

  19. Linda said,

    Funny, when you tell men what you think they so often complain. Yet when you give it up and maintain radio silence, that’s wrong too.

  20. Bobbie said,

    Why is it that when you do talk to them, they usually change the subject to them and you are forgotten about?

  21. Bobbie said,

    Since you’re the only guy on here today, JD, you get to answer that one.

  22. Linda said,

    Don’t know about you Bobbie, but any “dirty looks” I give are ALWAYS accompanied by copious commentary. I’m no good AT ALL at the cold shoulder thing. Oh, I might try sometimes, but the words just bubble out. Don’t know why I always behave as if they’d understand, and give a shit, if I just explained it well enough.

    jarheaddoc’s told me many times that I blab on way too much (causing him to hit the refresh key, if I remember right) and now … well it’s pretty clear he’s thinking of someone else, not anyone here on the blog, with the cold shoulder thing.

  23. Bobbie said,

    I probably know where that remark came from, but I’ll let him explain if he wants to.

  24. Linda said,

    He probably doesn’t

  25. jarheaddoc said,

    Linda, there is an exception to every rule, and you seem to be the one to the cold shoulder thing. I am LOL at this whole conversation right now. I refer you to “I wanna talk about me” by toby Keith. Now there is a man’s man, a man who has all the money in the world for spanish fly but knows his money is an aphrodisiac of its own.

    The real point of this twisted and mutated blog, if you ask me, and I will certainly give you my opinion, is that men and women say the same goddam things about each other, only it’s to their friends, not each other.

    I think it’s catty that you women will say, “My God, I can’t beleive she wore that” and expect a sympathetic ear when the transmission falling out of billy Joe Jim bob’s truck is the worst damn thing that could happen to a man. Beatrice will wear something different, I’m sure, but billy Joe Jim Bob and I were goin’ fishin’ (read as driving around drunk at the lake) and he always haul my boat for me.

    It’s a perspective thing. And talking about fishing, I seemed to have caught a couple of big ol’ fish with just a little bit of bait. Bobbie, you and Linda are just way too easy today.

    So save yourself a lot of angst over a bare knuckle brawl with me, as I have to go to work. But, feel free to blast me whilst I am gone, as my absences have never stopped you before.

  26. Linda said,

    Oh never mind, it really isn’t so much fun if we know you’re not coming back. If we thought you were going to be home and maybe get on line, then we’d probably keep it up, just for some light entertainment.

    Have a safe tour

  27. AO said,

    AGAIN with the Toby Keith! Yeah…a real ‘man’s man” but, only if you’re a woman who’s into the whole ‘red neck’ scene ..eew. No thank you.

    Linda, I’ll give you lessons on how to give ‘the cold shoulder’. I learned from the best, my mother! But, alas, give me a few glasses of chard and, forgedaboutit!

  28. Dave said,

    Toby Keith? He’s not my man. Geez.

    Modern country has some of the phoniest Americans around.

  29. AO said,

    God Bless you, Dave! I have to agree with you on the ‘Phoniest Americans around” point. While, I do like SOME country (DIXIE CHICKS!) I hate the fact that most country singers hopped on the “F-U Bin Laden wagon” after 9-11. And…they’re making millions off of it.

  30. Linda said,

    No use trying to get an argument going with jd, he’s not here.

    So what ARE we going to do with the evening then?

  31. AO said,

    Well, Linda, the Sox’s are going to be on in a while…just a thought!

    I’ve been out by my pool for most of the day. Today has have to have been the best weather all summer

  32. AO said,

    And…where the fluck is our blog administrator? Is she on vacation, too?

  33. Linda said,

    At the races I guess

  34. AO said,

    Well, if she is, I hope she wins big!!

  35. AO said,

    BTW, Linda, Saw you in the “B” Section today! My son thinks they would have gotten a wider reader following if they would have called it the “C” Section! I think he’s on to something.

  36. Linda said,

    Ha! that’s quirky. Mark probably lobbied for it.

  37. Dave said,

    What is the demographic that the B section after? 18-20?

    It’s an o.k. start, but I’d certainly like to see them expand their target to us 40 somethings…

    We like to go out and have fun too.

  38. AO said,

    I know what you’re talking about, Dave. But, around here, where the hell do we go? Personally, I’m tired of the same old scene. We need someone to open a place with us ‘old folk’..ha-ha…in mind. I just wanna go hear the ‘blues’ or, some good old rock ‘n roll, without having to deal with a bunch of Yah-hoo’s. Is that too much to ask for?

  39. Linda said,

    You know Dave, I just wrote an email to the paper today telling them the same thing. I’m not sure what they actually want from us — subscriptions? I don’t know. If that’s what they want, I think I may be more likely to subscribe than a 19 year old. (I do in fact)

  40. Linda said,

    And I should have said — I’m happy enough with the b section, it’s pretty entertaining and well laid out, but there are several things missing from the paper now that i used to enjoy.

  41. AO said,

    Of course he didn’t ‘lobby’ for it! It’s his ‘thang’. Nice picture, where have I seen it before?

  42. Linda said,

    AO, I meant lobbied for the name. C section would have been quirkier.

  43. Mainetarr said,

    I am back, and yes, I was at the track. I am all wrapped up in the stupid tv show Extreme Home Makeover. I hate that fuggin Ty Pennington, he has a good heart and he’s a hottie, but Jaysus, does he have to yell all the time? I have a friggen headache just listening to him scream. I so badly want to take that bullhorn and hide it. Bastard.

  44. AO said,

    So, just change the flucking channel.

  45. Dave said,

    I miss Raoul’s Roadside Attraction in Portland in a big way. Saw so many great acts there (Bela Fleck, Alison Kraus, John Gorka, Jerry Jeff Walker, Primitech, Bill Morrisey, Warren Zevon, Roomful of Blues, Taj Mahal, C.J.Chenier, John Hiatt, etc.etc. etc.

    I don’t think there’s a place comparable to it now, although Chicky’s in Westbrook seems to be trying.

    C’mon Russell Turner, open a place in LA!

  46. AO said,

    I’ve only watched that show ONCE…too much friggen crying. Yuck. As much as I love TY..yuck. That show is WAY too sappy. But, hey, if he want’s to come fix my house up, I’ll listen to all the tears he and the crew want to pour out. He was just so much better on Trading Spaces. Hot, Cute and, no tears.

  47. AO said,

    I miss Raoul’s Roadside Attraction in Portland in a big way. Saw so many great acts there (Bela Fleck, Alison Kraus, John Gorka, Jerry Jeff Walker, Primitech, Bill Morrisey, Warren Zevon, Roomful of Blues, Taj Mahal, C.J.Chenier, John Hiatt, etc.etc. etc.

    Dave…you have NO idea what the above is doing to me!! Jaysus! Some of my top ‘must see’ before I die! I’ve seen lot’s of great artists but, none of the above. I LOVE Alison Kraus, Jerry Jeff!! (was he shit faced?) John Hiatt…You lucky Bastard!

  48. AO said,

    Dave, Have you ever had the pleasure of seeing Charlie Musselwhite?

  49. Mainetarr said,

    wow, are we a bit snappy tonight AO? Geesh, I didn’t want to change the channel because I wanted to see how the house turned out. Plus, the little boy had something called MLS and he was adorible, so I wanted to see him flip out when he saw Curt Shilling hiding in the mudroom. They were in Boston and the family are all huge Red Sox fans. It was pretty cute to see him freak out. Luckily, Bullhorn let them enjoy the moment with him.

  50. AO said,

    No, not ‘snappy’. But, if the show’s bugging ya, change the channel. I DO remember seeing ads for that episode. Hell, I’d LOVE to find the Big Schill hiding in my mudroom!

  51. Mainetarr said,

    The SHOW wasn’t bugging me, but Bullhorn was. Why does he have to yell like that?
    You should have seen that little boy flip out when he saw Curt Shilling. He had a smile from ear to ear. They made a Red Sox room with autographed balls from everyone on the team. And in the back yard, they had made a baseball field complete with the green monster, and the field was all level so he could get around in his motorized wheelchair. The first thing he yelled was “play ball!!” Too cute. No tears tonight, except from the mom. She was shaking like a leaf.

  52. AO said,

    I’m sure “Bullhorn” has his role to play, just like the rest of the people on the show do. That’s why he yells. I am glad that that little boy got a great baseball dream! And, if I were that mom, I’d be shaking too.

  53. Mainetarr said,

    Speaking of good places to go, RIck’s Cafe at the Causeway in Naples is the place to go, really. They have jazz bands and you can sit outside and look at the lake. What a nice place. Too bad they couldn’t do something like that on Lake Auburn. You know, where Tabers is, they could build a nice little restaurant down near the lake, behind the mini golf course, with outdoor tables overlooking the lake. Then get some Jazz bands to play on the weekends, that would be great!!!

  54. Linda said,

    Of the performers Dave named, I’ve only seen Taj Mahal. He sure was great.

  55. Linda said,

    MT, are we having a new blog tonight? I do have a reason for asking.

  56. Mainetarr said,

    Why, are you getting sick of all the boob talk? I am not up late like Mark is, so the new blogs will be coming at about this time every night.

    The only one I have seen is Alison Krauss and Union Station. Good stuff, man, good stuff.

  57. Linda said,

    No, not sick of anything, you know us, we talk about whatever we want anyhow.

  58. Mainetarr said,

    Well, you said you had reason for asking. I thought the reason was you were sick of boob talk.

  59. Bobbie said,

    MT, it was SMA-something muscular atrophy. As some people would say, I’m being nit picky tonight, but I’m not-REALLY!

    We watched that show tonight as well. It was pretty good. Right now we have Second Hand Lions on-it’s at the part where they’re shooting all the door-to-door solicitors. Always did like those scenes.

  60. Dave said,

    Yes, Raoul’s was also great for the blues… Charlie Musselwhite, Buddy Guy and Junior Wells, Duke Robillard….

    Ahh…the good old days…

  61. Mainetarr said,

    That’s it, SMA…I got it wrong. Second Hand Lions is an excellent movie. Enjoy Bobbie, and thanks for your help with the new blog. You rock!!!

  62. brenda said,

    Wait a minute- there’s people here who know of Lord Byron ?

  63. brenda said,

    Jarheaddoc made perfect sense to me, I understand exactly. Women often do that, not actually SAY what they mean, then get mad when the other didn’t KNOW, like we’re supposed to be mind readers? And projecting onto other.

    But it’s not easy. I am aware of it and I try but still if I look back on something that goes wrong, sometimes I realise that I indeed didn’t communicate as clearly as I meant to.
    Then there’s times of going on & on with examles until I almost forgot the point I was trying to make, or do remember and have to reel back from the digression……..

    ps, I breastfed whenever & wherever I needed to. It is so weird that people find offense at the proper function of boobs but the entertainment aspect is glorified everywhere.

    I remember reading much about Lord Byron years ago, when I was flirting with my college prof’s, but am not quite remembering the details & my books are in storage in CA. I am thinking it’s in the book about “criminal conversation court” history?

  64. Linda said,

    Sure, I used to know him Brenda, when I was in college and getting into bars with a fake ID. He worked security in one of the clubs and was a friend of a friend. The man could dance!! Great car, good dresser, lots of money in his pocket, put a lot of it up his nose. Not the kind of guy you’d bring home to meet the family, oh no, he was wild. I heard that he crashed and burned in the 80s, cleaned up his act and got in small but early raising ostriches in Rhode Island, dropped the pretentious moniker and went back to plain old “Billy”. I’d look him up, but you can’t wade in the same river twice.

    You knew him too?

  65. brenda said,

    oh, I read about a Lord Byron from the days of Criminal Conversation Courts in England, in or shourtly after the Victorian Era I think. When proper people covered the legs of furniture out of modesty.
    A “criminal conversation” was an affair with someone’s wife. It did harm to a man’s reputation to be cuckolded, and would hurt his business reputation, so he could sue for damages. This was before the days of Jerry Springer & tv soap operas; common people would crowd into the courts to hear the details & snigger, at the naughty secret antics of the elite who were involved in these legal & moral dramas. They usually had flowered & patterned wallpaper which camouflaged the holes in the walls through which the help- maids, butlers, etc, watched, & then they gave juicy, naughty detailed witness accounts in the crowded courtrooms.
    I could be wrong- I left my book in storage- but I think it was Lord Byron who was the last case of “Criminal Conversation” in court. He had invited his friend to visit & then sued his friend for sleeping with his wife, Then it came out in court: he’d known he was going broke before he invited his friend, and a housekeeper had seen him kiss his wife good night & offe her a pillow to take down the hall & sleep with the friend, so they realised that he’d set up the friend when he needed money! That was the end of the criminal conversation courts, they changed the law promptly.

  66. Linda said,

    I was just doing that dumb thing I do for fun, Brenda. Yes, that’s the guy, one of the Romantic poets, born around 1790. He was a scandalous dude. The “criminal conversation” trial was only one of his problems — adultery, incest, a jealous former mistress — trouble followed him around.

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