Let’s get small

August 10, 2006 at 12:28 am (Uncategorized)

marijuana.gifI believe I’ve already told you people about the time I smoked so much pot, I shrunk. It’s a damn shame because I love telling that story. I mean, one minute I’m a normal-sized, happy teenager, the next minute, I’m roughly the size of a Tic Tac lost in a haze of sweet smelling smoke. It was that dramatic. I went to each of my friends and pleaded with them to take me to the hospital for a resizing, or whatever. But they were too busy downing Doritos and watching Fantasy Island. Or they couldn’t see me or something. Those bastards. I used to be so tall.

My point is that the only reason I’m not getting baked every day is that I seem to have suffered some chromosomal damage. One hit of cannabis, I could shrink to atomic level. I don’t want to be a weirdo on the quantum stage. Plus, stuff sounds funny when I get high so I don’t do it.

The fact is, I have pot envy. I’m jealous of you dope fiends who go home after a day of work, snatch the tray from under the couch, and fire one up while watching Nick at Nite. That’s relaxing, man. And I know you people are relaxed because you say dude all the time and look at me with crooked smiles and glassy eyes when I try to ask a question. Pot envy. It’s not pretty.

I don’t expect you stoners to confess to recreational drug use. God knows narcs are everywhere. But I wonder how many of you are pro legalization. When you think about the behavior of your pot smoking friends in comparison to your hard drinking friends, does it make you wonder which presents the greater risk of violence or accidents? And is weed more dangerous than cigarettes or the prescription drugs that are handed out like Pez these days?

Just picking what’s left of your dopamine frenzied brains, my friends. I don’t have any political agendas or any of that. I’m too small to get on a soapbox. In fact, due to an impulsive hit from a bong in the early 90’s, I’m now wee enough to crawl into a wall outlet. I might be resting on your eyelid or clinging to your pubis this very moment. How does that make you feel?

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98 Comments

  1. LaFlamme said,

    By the way. To any of you who are Red Sox fans and who know that I am a Kansas City Royals fan: HA FRIGGIN HA!!! I JUST WON LIKE TEN BETS ON THIS SERIES! YOU SUUUUUUCK!
    And now back to all things Mary Jane.

  2. jarheaddoc said,

    1) Go fuck yourself as far as the The KC Goyals go.

    2) The thought of a microscopic you anywhere on my body makes me feel the need for an autoclaving

  3. Mainetarr said,

    Hmm, mini Mark. That would be interesting, to say the least. I’m gonna have to think about that one.

    I was at Gippers last night watching the game. I thought of you guys….

    Why not legalize pot ? Put a tax on it and there goes the deficit. Personally, I think alcohol is a much more dangerous drug than marijuana. I have plenty of friends who smoke it, and not once have any of them been in a fight “because smoking certain weed makes me grouchy.” I mean, it’s all bad for you, but if people are allowed to drink a fifth of Allens a night, I hardly doubt a joint would be any worse for them. All intoxicating substances can be addictive, look at cigarettes. Just legalize it already.

  4. Bobbie said,

    To a certain extent, some states have “legalized” it by giving out prescriptions for medical marijuana use. The drawback is that the Feds can still bust you for possession, while the state won’t unless you’re taking advantage of things.

  5. Brenda said,

    I used to feel like I got bigger when I got high, my sense of “selfness” seemed to extend beyond my physical size by 2 – 3 feet. Don’t get so close to me!
    And self- conscious, (oh, man, I wonder if I look like I’m high? Oh, no, someone’s gonna think I am thinking about whether I look high….) on & on in spiraling circles my thoughts went until I had to get away from people and go sleep alone somewhere. SO gettin’ high is not a party thing for me….
    I like the smell, and the idea of it, but I pass it along.

    Alcohol has different effects at different times. I never would do what they say I did in Palm Springs that one time. But I do remember taking shots of tequila and kissing my date, then having a sense of waking up- and discovering my pants unzipped and my date’s hand in there! The bartender kept giving us more free shots!
    Another time, I almost knocked over a table in jealous rage when a neighbor was trying to convince my date that she needed to be taken home, then she even tried to take credit for unbalancing the table, to prove she was too drunk to drive.
    Alcohol makes me do things I would never do, it affects my impulse control. Marijuana does the opposite, I am more inhibited when I smoke it.

    I like the idea (politically) of the wacky weed — I thought it was hilariously funny when my ex-boyfriend, who’s a lawyer, stood on a street in San Francisco and lit up a joint.

    As far as comparing alcohol & pot, well, for many people, if one is better than the other, pot’s better than alcohol. Alcohol will unbalance the chemistry of a person with genetic predisposition to depression or bipolar disorders, but marijuana won’t . We have a lot of people with this problem, don’t we?

    Just stay away from the speed & amphetamines. Please!

  6. AO said,

    What?? K2 aka The Bong Man, hasn’t weighed in on this blog topic yet? WTF??

    Personally, I hate smoking weed. It makes me so paranoid. I haven’t had any in years. But, I’m not opposed to anyone smoking it. I love the smell.

  7. Brenda said,

    It makes you paranoid too? It must affect the frontal lobe. Alcohol makes us have less self-control, less social inhibition, and I think the paranoia is the opposite, maybe not an increase in actual self-control but an increase in an awareness .. ..of a need for controlling one’s behavior in relation to others, or knowing what’s going on & feeling fuzzy about it………
    oh, I know nobody wants to read me analysing this.

    bye, I’m going to finish these job app’s and go get some more.

  8. Brenda said,

    As long as they don’t pass a law against Hazelnut Coffeemate…..!

  9. Linda said,

    Brenda, that “carbohydrate high” can be murder, especially together with caffeine! Nothing like that nice mellow feeling from the weed. 🙂

    I typed a different comment but decided it was NSFW.

  10. Bobbie said,

    Pot is one thing I will never be able to enjoy, even if I really wanted to. I get around the smoke and it’s an instant headache for me, not to mention the allergic reaction that comes about 30 minutes later. If I tried any other illegal drugs, with my luck, that would be the last time that I tried anything like that!

  11. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, hey. I don’t think we should just assume that K2 smokes weed just because he occasionally… Nah, you’re right. He’s a stoner.

  12. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, what’s an autoclaving, anyway? I may steal that word.

  13. Cleanliness is for neat Freaks said,

    au·to·clave (ôt-klv) KEY

    NOUN:

    A strong, pressurized, steam-heated vessel, as for laboratory experiments, sterilization, or cooking.

  14. LaFlamme said,

    That’s it? It sounds like something dirty. I’m very disappointed. Still, I’m swiping it.

  15. LaFlamme said,

    What the hell? Someone scarfed “autoclave” and introduced it over in Our View before I could get my hands on it. I feel so used.

  16. AO said,

    Poor baby. Gotta stay on your toes. That’s what staying up all night watching Nick at Nite will get ya.

  17. Linda said,

    Now I gotta go to the SJ to see what possible context someone had in mind with “autoclave” over there. The word feels right at home here, good one jd, but … if someone’s going to autoclave the SJ I wouldn’t want to miss it for the world.

  18. Linda said,

    Good one, Thm! A very nice play with that word

    And BTW AO, aren’t you having eyelid troubles? you are assuming it’s a stye but have you had a really close look? Maybe there’s something really small clinging there by the tip of its pinky

  19. Anonymous said,

    Dan has somehow found a way to post under Tom. Maybe he needs electroshock therapy to break his brain so his pills will work better. Just a recommendation, that’s all….

  20. jarheaddoc said,

    Dan has somehow found a way to post under Tom. Maybe he needs electroshock therapy to break his brain so his pills will work better. Just a recommendation, that’s all….

  21. jarheaddoc said,

    Keyboard problems, sorry. I was trying to imitate….No one….

  22. Bobbie said,

    Tom Powell – Rumford
    former project controls manager for ConocoPhillips Alasks – North Slope

    According to the blog on the Alaskan Pipeline, this is who Tom is suppose to be, JD. I will admit that if it is the same “Tom” who posted on the blog today, he does sound an awful lot like Dan. Even spells like him too. I guess we’ll just have to see how this all plays out, huh?

  23. Mainetarr said,

    Yeah, I saw that Dan was back under the name Tom this time. What next? Sally? What an asshat. He just bitches and whines constantly. Comparing the SJ to Al Jazeer. Come on, that’s a tad bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think? Maybe we should all chip in and buy him a subscription to the New York Times. That rag ought to be slanted in his direction enough to keep him quiet for a while. I thought the line about the paper being for sale and him buying it was pretty funny, though. What’s he gonna buy it with since he doesn’t work? His donut money?? Man, Dunkin will go out of business without his money. Just another unemployed douchebag with nothing better to do then sit home on Main Street, Auburn, USA and bitch and complain. I’ll donate $100 to ship his fat ass to Iran so he can sit there and watch Al Jazeer all day. Anyone else care to contribute? Dan, you’re pathetic.

  24. Linda said,

    jd, surely you’ve noticed that I’ve pretty much kicked the “Anonymous” habit. You are welcome to the name. Name sharing, quite a tradition in this part of the world.

    If that Tom Powell person is Dan, he’s escalating. Using an actual name and position that can be checked out … that’s incredibly lame.

  25. Linda said,

    I hope none of you have anyone you love trying to fly today. What a friggen mess. And I hope that by the time Bobbie and I are traveling to the other side of the world next year (not together, you understand …) they loosen the rules and allow toothpaste and deodorant again.

  26. jarheaddoc said,

    Nope, they will autoclave you, delouse, and do a body cavity inspection when you reach your destination. I think I will just take my little boat and try to cross the water that way.

    But in all seriousness, maybe all this crap we’ve had rammed down our throats since 9/11 is finally paying off and things will be safer. I would prefer to think of it from that angel.

  27. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, no delousing! I might be down there.

  28. Linda said,

    You pretty much need autoclaving after 22 hours in airplanes.

  29. jarheaddoc said,

    Which is exactly why they would do it, you….you….Shit, I got nuthin’!

  30. AO said,

    Linda, IF I’ve got something or, SOMEONE clinging to my eyelid, I’ll be sure to autoclave them at once!

  31. jarheaddoc said,

    And please explain the very generic expression of ‘down there’ “Down Under carries some negatives connotations, also. No insult intended, Linda

  32. jarheaddoc said,

    Hey, isn’t flying akin to camping, only with a buncha other stinky mofo’s you’ve never met in your life and never want to see again? God only knows what bugs you’ll catch in that cabin.

  33. Linda said,

    None taken. By the way, speaking of “down under”, did you happen to see the link I posted at the end of “penny for your thoughts”? Maybe everyone saw it and thought it was unfunny, but every time I look at it i laugh.

  34. Linda said,

    No, flying’s quite different from camping. There’s running water and electricity, they show movies and you don’t have to char your own food, and until now, you could bring all your special thingies to make the trip more comfortable. After today maybe not so much. And of course you CAN take drugs and sleep thru the whole thing if you prefer. Germs? yes. I’ve had some marathon URIs from airplanes. But it’s always been worth it when there are people you love on the other end. I don’t think I’d fly for fun, no.

    My five year old granddaughter told me on the phone, I’ll be glad when I’m six because you’re coming here for my birthday. See what I mean?

  35. AO said,

    Is it the link…linking to Mel Gibson? I did think it was funny but, I’m still undecided about Mel. That’s as far as I’ll go with that thought.

    I’ve decided that I really like the word “autoclave”. Thanks, JD. I could use it in so many sentences. For instance: ” I autoclave that guy for cutting me off at that red light.” Or, “I autoclave that asshole for being such a duchebag for being such a crying baby and closing the Lost Sole”. See? Don’t you think that word works nicely?

  36. AO said,

    Hell, I HATE flying, Linda but, even I’d fly to see your granddaughter. Especially cause she’d going to be SIX!! How special is that? It’s even better because she’s looking forward to turning six just so she can see you. Okay, I’m feeling like I’m going to pull a “Flammer” and start weeping. Tito, hand me a tissue.

  37. jarheaddoc said,

    The absolutel worst experience I had flying was the last time I flew. I was flying back after a weekend at home and the weather was crappy where we were landing. The pilot told us we’d be landing with no problems, then we didn’t hear anything from the sumbitch for about ten minutes, when he slammed the fucking airplane into the runway. I refused to shake his hand when I got off the plane and used just about every derogatory phrase I’d ever learned in the military to describe him. More than a few people echoed the same sentiments. I honestly thought we’d died, and the last thing I was thinking was that I should have humped the stewardess when I had the chance.

  38. AO said,

    Worst time I ever had flying was when my son was only 3 mths old. We were coming back from TexASS, bad turbulance all the way back. When we finally got to Portland, the pilot landed on the grass, not the runway. I also thought we were going to die. We were in the very last row of the airplane. I was clutching my son to my chest…praying that everything would turn out okay. But, JD, I had no thoughts of ‘humping’ the pilot. I wanted to friggen kill him!!

  39. LaFlamme said,

    Dammit, AO totally stripped me of the autoclave phenomenon. I was just about to steal it from JD when she slipped in and yanked it from me.

  40. Mainetarr said,

    Tito wants to know if AO is blow drying her hair? Sniff sniff…

    Come for a martini, that’ll knock the need to cry right out of you. We’ll laugh till we cry.

  41. jarheaddoc said,

    AO, it was the STEWARDESS I wanted to hump; I wanted to kill the pilot. Well, maybe maim him and teach him a lesson for the rest of his days.

  42. AO said,

    I KNOW, JD!! Why the hell would I want to hump a stewardess? Those girls do nothing for me. Hell, I won’t even kiss MT.

  43. Linda said,

    Mark, we can probably find some other good words just for you. What about “cockadoodie” or does that send chills up your spine?

  44. LaFlamme said,

    Oh, that’s a lie. I saw that little smooch the other night. Cosmos really loosen those ladies up.

  45. AO said,

    No…MT, (HA!!!) I’m not blow drying my hair! You’re too funny!

  46. Linda said,

    No, stewardesses don’t do anything for me either

  47. Bobbie said,

    The worst flight that I ever experienced was in 1982. We were flying back from Maine after going to see the family for Christmas and ran into the snowstorm that was going across the country at the time. We were diverted to Kansas City while they determined whether we could fly on to Denver or not. We spent 3 hours on the ground in KC getting free drinks and listening to horror stories-the Denver airport was closed, they were charging $100 and upwards for rides out of the city, the airport had run out of food, etc.

    When they finally decided that we were going to be the last flight of the night, we took off. We were hit by a wind gust when we took off and we saw the runway numbers go flying by the windows as the plane tilted at a very bad angle. Halfway thru the flight, we dropped really far, really quick due to the turbulence. I had to take my glassess off because I was going to get sick if I didn’t. Oh yeah, our daughter (10 months old at the time) slept thru everything in her car seat.

    When we landed in Denver, we slid from one runway to the one next to us and the pilot managed to get the plane under control enough to get it to the terminal. When we got off, we found that people were being charged $700 a person to get to Colorado Springs via 4 wheel drive and that we’d probably be at the airport for awhile. My mother had bought some baby food for our daughter, so she had something to eat while we waited. About 2 AM, an airport employee wanted to know if we would like a ride to the Springs-he took sympathy on us because of our daughter. He only charged us $20 for the ride, his car had 4 bald tires and had a half frozen radiatior. It took us 4 hours to get from Denver to the Springs. We also had another passenger with us (a female going to become a nun and she got the same deal that we got), so we packed my husband and daughter in the back and then surrounded them with the luggage to stay warm while the guy, the girl going to become a nun and I got the front seat.

    And yes, I still fly.

  48. LaFlamme said,

    You were in Kansas City and you didn’t get me a Royals hat?

  49. AO said,

    No, no. I wasn’t drinking any Cosmos. I had my “bag ‘o beer”. Remember? You and MT were the only ones drinking Cosmos.

  50. LaFlamme said,

    Well, who was that smooching, then? Maybe we should just drop it. Yeah. Let’s just drop it.

  51. AO said,

    I think it was you and Milo. Sheesh, you’ve got a short memory, Mark.

  52. Bobbie said,

    This was in 1982 and I didn’t even know that you existed back then, Mark. Are you too cheap to buy your own hat now? I know that Wally World carries them for $5 a piece.

  53. Bobbie said,

    The reason that Mark wants to drop it is because he was kissing Milo and just doesn’t want anyone else to remember it.

  54. LaFlamme said,

    I have no shame about kissing Milo. That is one sexy dawg.

  55. Linda said,

    So Mark, are dog’s mouths cleaner than humans’? I always wanted to know and it sounds like you are the expert.

  56. AO said,

    Yeah, he’s so sexy he gives me hives all over my thighs.

  57. Nadine said,

    LEGALIZE IT!!! I’m sure you are dropping your jaws in shock at my response, heh!

    Currently listening to Bob Marley

    And K2: This is for you (and your dreams, haha)

  58. Bobbie said,

    If I remember correctly, Jaime and Adam from Mythbusters did a show on whether a dog’s mouthy was cleaner than a human’s mouth. I want to say that the human won, but please feel free to correct me if I am wrong tonight.

  59. AO said,

    Nadine, K2 would LOVE that. Does it come with a bong?

  60. Bobbie said,

    It’s probably supply your own, AO.

  61. AO said,

    GAWD…I HATE dog slobber. I love the little critters but…gack…hate their slobber. I’m glad to hear that a humans mouth is cleaner than a dogs because, I’d much rather kiss a human (Harrison Ford???mmmm!) than a dog. Allergies, you know.

  62. jarheaddoc said,

    Boy, that Sweet Polly PureBred sure brings back some memories…. Shit, I pressed enter before Ir ealized I’d typed that

  63. AO said,

    Huh, she really did it for you huh, JD? I never could understand what she saw in Underdog. What a weenie.

  64. jarheaddoc said,

    Jesus, I never understood her name until i was probably 38 or so, then it was epiphananiclly debillating to realize the meaning had been right under my nose all those years.

    Yeah, Underdog was a weenie, but that’s what being a Superhero is all about, hiding your strong side and letting the world shit on your weak side, so you can beat the piss out of the world. I would say that superheroes are the worlds only proven cases of multiple personality disorder, regardless of what the voices in my head tell me.

  65. jarheaddoc said,

    But if I were to choose a female cartoon character, it would have to be the Mom from Calvin and HObbes.

  66. Linda said,

    “Choose”?

  67. Linda said,

    I think I’d “choose” Spiderman. I like the way he … levitates.

  68. Bobbie said,

    AO,
    Would you check your e-mail in a minute or 2? Thanks.

  69. AO said,

    Well, since you put it that way, JD. Clark Kent was also a weenie. He let Lois Lane shit on him all the time. Little did that bimbo know, he was the “ONE”. Just like Sweet Polly PureBred. And…Hmmmm…Very Interesting choice of female cartoon characters. Hmmm…I’ll have to think on that one a while. But, Calvin and Hobb’s RULED! My nephew and I shared a love of that strip. I’ve always held it close to my heart. Nothing better.

  70. AO said,

    Will do, Bobbie.

    Linda, I always liked the way that Superman…”soared”.

  71. Bobbie said,

    I’ve always enjoyed Calvin and Hobbes as well. Thankfully, I never had a child with that wild an imagination! Makes you wonder about the guy’s childhood.

  72. Linda said,

    Clark Kent had a real passive-aggressive thing going with Lois, didn’t he. He seemed to like it when she treated him like crap, then he’d do the superhero thing and just when she was all hot for him, he’d bug out and be Clark again. Jerk

  73. Linda said,

    Yeah AO in the movies he soared, I was thinking of the comics. You didn’t get the soaring effect on paper

  74. Linda said,

    Gotta hang up for a while.

  75. AO said,

    No, he didn’t, did he? It’s probably because the LSJ edited any “soaring” he would have done.

  76. Bobbie said,

    Don’t you hate it when they do that you?

  77. AO said,

    Yeah. It takes all the fun out of…fantasy land.

  78. Bobbie said,

    I know what you mean! LOL

  79. Linda said,

    So who do you think is stronger — Underdog or Superman? 🙂

  80. Bobbie said,

    Underdog, especially after he’s taken his little “pill”.

  81. Bobbie said,

    Gonna call it a night now. Have a good one.

  82. Linda said,

    I’m betting Superman soars better though.

    ‘Night!

  83. Martha said,

    Wow, have I EVER been out of the loop. I’ve read all the blogs since “anyone up for a swim” in one sitting.
    I went to high school with Uncle Andy and Big Gare.. Gary’s first wife and I were good friends for a long time. And I love his kids.
    Don’t have a lot else to say.. Just thought I’d pop in for a bit tonight. I took off from work because my truck was in the shop.. 25 miles is a long walk. It cost me over $400 to get it inspected. Had to work out some fancy financing to do that, but its done. So, tomorrow its back to the grind. Guess I need to check out LSJ blogs and see what’s going on over there.
    Dan had better not be using the name Tom Powell. That was my dad’s name, and I’ll guarantee he’s put Dan in his place in a hurry. He would never have voted for a democrat if they were the only one running.
    Speaking of flying, with the “fancy financing” I may have actually lessened my monthly outgo a bit, so now I need to see if perhaps I can take a trip to Texas for Thanksgiving. And, yes, I’ll fly if I can. I enjoy flying.

  84. AO said,

    Martha, What year did you graduate? And, from where? Ha. You may know my husband.

  85. Martha said,

    AO, I graduated from EL in 72.

  86. AO said,

    Ah, my husband graduated in 76. But, I’m thinking I may have had a sister that graduated that year. Or, my brother.

  87. Martha said,

    Interesting… I don’t expect you to give me their last name on the blog, but if I knew I’d look in my yearbook.. yes.. I still have it. 🙂

  88. Martha said,

    I think I’m heading for bed.. Night, to those who are still here. I’ll try not to stay away quite so long next time.

  89. Bulldog said,

    If my son were here right now, he’d say legalize it! and my opinion is the same.

    Back in the day, when WBLM was cool and on 108 (actually it was 107.5), us party animals used to believe that WBLM used to stand for We Believe in Legalizing Marijuana.

    I don’t smoke the stuff anymore. I can’t. It turns my stomache. But, I don’t mind being around it. Second hand smoke from that is good for you, right? huh? what?

  90. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, I remember that WBLM acronym. And ADIDAS stood for “all day I dream about sex.”

  91. Bulldog said,

    OMG. I forgot about the ADIDAS one! I hate my notebooks at school plastered with those things! brings back memories (or at least the ones I can remember after smoking so much pot in my “early” years)

  92. LaFlamme said,

    Me, too. I used to draw little marijuana leaves on my notebooks. Not that I was in school very often.

  93. K2 said,

    I used to had a ‘Save the Bails’ illustration on notebook. Got in trouble for it too.

    Great, a blog about reefer and I miss it. It’d be one thing if I was so baked I forgot how to use the computer; but no, I go to Missouri and miss out on the digital marijuana discussion. *whimper, sob*

    Of course, I did smuggle a couple kind nugs past Logan’s security, and it was during the high alert on Thursday. I was not about to attend a family reuniion without a small stash of herbal goodness. No frickin’ way, Mr. Chertoff.

  94. K2 said,

    And LaFlamme: A stoner? I resemble that remark.

  95. AO said,

    Jeesh, K2. Hope you didn’t have to hide your “nugs” in a body cavity.

  96. Brenda said,

    Anybody been to the Legalize MariJuana office on Lisbon street, near Chestnut st? it is between the 2 Somali stores. Lots of info.

  97. K2 said,

    AO, no, but let’s just say security would have had to fondle my ‘package’ to find my package. I only brought a little bit, and only smoked half of it. Gave the other half to my cool uncle. I wasn’t about to push my luck and bring the leftovers home.

    Of course, I never smuggle a device. So I blazed out of a beer-can bowl. Looked like I was free-basing or somepin. Necessity is the mother of invention/infusion.

  98. Brenda said,

    when I was 16 years old I brought a little bit of hashish with me from Germany. I’m not tellin you how. mmm smelled so good. I haven’t seen or smelled that since, the seventies….

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