A gay old time

August 20, 2006 at 12:01 am (Uncategorized)

martha_stewart.jpgI have this friend who’s seemingly macho in every way. He’s built like a barn, digs sports and beer and looks at cleavage whenever he can. It’s only when confronted with a decorating matter that this manliness starts to show holes. Picture a giant of a man resting the backs of his wrists against his hips, frowning at the atrocity and sputtering with great effeminacy.

“Oh, no no no! Avocado will NOT do in this room. Darling, please! Get me some robin’s egg blue before I pass out. Gawd, it’s awwwwwful!”

My otherwise studly friend can design the hell out of a room. Instinctively, he knows that the ottoman should not be angled toward the hutch and that the armoire doesn’t belong there at all. And that Persian rug with those drapes? Darling, please!

Mr. Martha Stewart here refers to this as his gay gene.

They say everybody has one. The construction worker and overall manly man has an odd fascination with flowers. The trucker driver and arm wrestling champ is hooked on Lifetime for Women. The boxing champ enjoys sitting around in fuzzy slippers and petting his Siamese cats.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

My gay gene involves an outright loathing of clutter. I’m sort of a neat freak and I just love clean, clear surfaces. So dress me in something frilly and send me out to the opera, why don’t you.

I’m not quite certain how this works for women. In keeping with the elegant symmetry of nature, it is natural to assume that all women have traits contrary to the traditional notion of femininity. The delicate dancer also enjoys professional wrestling and poker on the weekends. The poetess and quilt designer likes to ride her Harley and sometimes smokes a cigar.

Traditional roles for men and women have been undergoing broad changes for years. Homosexuality is more socially accepted if not outright in vogue. It’s no longer easy to label a person based on his or her habits and hobbies. If you’re a typically virile he-man yet you like to cook soufflés, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just don’t wear an apron, for the love of God. There IS a matter of going too far.

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61 Comments

  1. Nadine said,

    I love football and always told my dad (who already had 3 sons before I came along), that if I had been a boy, I would be a pro ball player today.

  2. LaFlamme said,

    Now there’s something I did not know. You’re an enigmatic one, Nadine.

  3. Bobbie said,

    I enjoy watching football and auto racing. Watched the Broncos beat the crap out of their opponent tonight (35-3) and tomorrow, it will be record time for the Nascar race.

  4. Bobbie said,

    Sorry about the score. It was 35-10, Broncos. They put a major hurt on Tennessee tonight. Very glad to see that the Patriots won tonight as well.

  5. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. But were you chewing tobacco while watching the game? Scratching yourself? Shaving? Those would definitely qualify.

  6. The Friendly Buddhist said,

    High heels and garters
    Cigars and some power tools
    Together? Why not?

  7. Linda said,

    Until recently I worked in an office with 16 women and 5 men. Nearly all the women are football fans, and on Fridays and Mondays the lunch room would be nonstop game talk. (The rest of the week we talked about our dogs, cats and horses.) Exactly none of the men were big football fans. Interesting.

    And Gil, I like power tools but no cigars. Sheesh, why not just sign it S. Freud?

  8. "The Weasel" said,

    Hmmm…. Dan = Gay Jean

  9. Linda said,

    Or, the other way around, right?

  10. Bobbie said,

    I like an occasional cigar too. I was smoking yesterday and definitely scratching. Shaving is reserved for thse night when I have the energy and nothing better to do.

  11. Fat Bastard said,

    He’s built like a barn, digs sports and beer and looks at cleavage whenever he can. It’s only when confronted with a decorating matter that this manliness starts to show holes. Picture a giant of a man resting the backs of his wrists against his hips, frowning at the atrocity and sputtering with great effeminacy =Weasel

  12. K2 said,

    I’ve got the Chatty Kathy gene. (No! Say it ain’t so, K2.) T-o-t-a-l-l-y gay.

    I’d also say my wife is tougher than me, in a figurative sense. She handles the proverbial storms better than I do. Reagrdless, I now defer to Dylan’s ‘Just Like a Woman.’

    Pats win, Vikings beat the Steelers, no signifigant injuries, no players arrested, life is good.

    Rain, rain, rain . . . the weather’s fine.

  13. Mainetarr said,

    I love football, horse-racing, hockey (got to chat in French with a Maniac at Central Maine Orthopaedics last Tueday), golf-pretty much all sports. I was a total tomboy as a kid, still love to ride dirtbikes and motorcycles. I love cars, hot rods are the best. Just went to a “crusing” night in a hot rod last week. I grew up in Poland, not a ton of kids in the neighborhood, mostly boys (not that it was a bad thing or anything) so it was do what the boys do or play alone. But, I love shopping, getting my hair and nails done, perfume, flowers, and much like Mark, I am a neat freak-boarderline OCD. It’s a good mix. Kinda like the French/Italian mix. It’s a good thing, as Martha would say.

  14. K2 said,

    Yeah, the French and the Italian armies can’t fight worth a damn. (Before you bitch slap me, I’m part French, albeit only like 1/6 — thank god.)

  15. AO said,

    We’ll have to start addressing Weasel, “La Weasel”.

    You’re right, K2. You DO have the Chatty Kathy gene.

  16. Linda said,

    K2, you are the scientific writer, can you do the math and tell me how it works out, ancestor-wise, that you are one-sixth French? Not to nit-pick or anything. Well, yes, I guess I am nitpicking, just for something to do you know. I mean, people usually say one quarter or one eight. I never heard anyone claim to be one sixth of anything.

  17. K2 said,

    Well, I’m half Slovak (3/6), and the other half is roughly 1/3 English, 1/3 Irish, and 1/3 French. I’m sure I’m more one than the other, but I’ve never been to bothered to look into it. Regardless, I do know I’m exactly half Slovak, so that trumps the others in my book.

  18. Linda said,

    I don’t know, K2. My house may be cluttered, but I’m not going to be satisfied until I work out how many generations back you’d have to go to divide your national ancestry into sixths. I know, you said “roughly”, but that’s just me.

    Let’s see, 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great-grands, 16 ggg’s, 32 etc — nothing yet that divides by 6.

    Sorry, thats just my own OCD. All things considered, I’d rather have the type that gives me a clean house.

  19. LaFlamme said,

    I am a third chow, a third wolf, and a third human. Who am I and where did I die?

  20. Robin said,

    Holy nitpicking Batman. Give K2 a break already. Is it that boring in Wilton today that you have nothing else to do but nitpick?

  21. Linda said,

    No, I have plenty to do, just yanking K2’s chain over the French army thing.

  22. FRED said,

    Hey K2 exactly what is” SLOVAK” My in -laws tell me HLADIK IS Czech,.Whats the difference? We did join the Slovak club .Just one big yawn!

  23. Mainetarr said,

    What’s going on in here today? Seems pretty quiet. I am watching A&E, they are talking all things psychic. LOL

    In the Enquirer there is an article about the odds of who will come out of the closet next, speaking of gay genes. Here are the list and odds.

    Oprah Winfrey- 6-1
    Keanu Reeves- 2-1
    Troy Aikman-10-1
    Condoleeza Rice- 8-1
    John Travolta-30-1
    Vin Deisel- 4-1
    Anderson Cooper- 20-1
    Payton Manning- 7-1
    Jake Gyllenhaal- 5-2

    Looks like Keanu is about to have a press conference. LOL

  24. Linda said,

    Oh man, not Vin Diesel! Say it ain’t so!

  25. K2 said,

    Fred, if you have a second: http://www.slovakia.org/history.htm

  26. LaFlamme said,

    Keanu would surprise no body. Vin Diesel? Well, that’s just a pretty image, isn’t it.

  27. Mainetarr said,

    It didn’t say they were confirmed gay, just odds on who would comeo ut of the closet. personally, I think Anderson Pooper, uh, I mean Cooper is gay, but odds of 20-1 mean he will probably not come out. I love the guy, any son of Gloria Vanderbilt is ok in my book.

  28. LaFlamme said,

    Are the guys from “Will & Grace” gay? Or just really, really, really, really good actors?

  29. AO said,

    The guy that plays Will isn’t gay. But, I don’t know about the other one. My guess would be…..YES!!

  30. AO said,

    Wow. It’s very quiet in here today. Mark and Weasle must be off decorating a room or, baking a cake. Nah…I’ll bet their off looking at cleavage.

  31. AO said,

    There’s just something SO disturbing about the picture above. Must have something to do with the blonde hair with the dark roots. Yeah, that must be it.

  32. Linda said,

    I dont think that’s it, AO — I’m surprised you can’t see it — the layer cake is crooked!

  33. AO said,

    The cake? Ya think so? Or, it could be that fugly orange dress. It just soo clashes with the hair.

  34. Linda said,

    Is it possible to be gay and wear such a clashing dress? Yeah, probably

  35. AO said,

    Look at the face. Of course it is! And, smoking a stogie at the same time. Very much a fashion faux pas.

  36. Linda said,

    I’ll only believe it’s Martha when I see some actual crocheting. Remember that godawful poncho? Really the orange dress looks pretty good compared to that

  37. AO said,

    No, I don’t remember the poncho. I hate Martha. Try to avoide her at every turn. I find her very scary!

  38. Anonymous said,

    OMG, when she got out of prison she was wearing a terrible crocheted poncho that she made while she was inside. If nothing else, that was a crime that deserved incarceration. She’s not my cup of tea either.

  39. Linda said,

    Oops, cleaning up again

  40. AO said,

    Linda, is that you?

  41. AO said,

    Ha. Guess so. You know what it is about this picture that disturbs me so much? He looks like that flaming guy…what’s his name? Big moustache…very garrish clothes..very gay. I can see his face but I can’t remember his name…DAMN!

  42. AO said,

    RIP TORN!! That’s why this picture is bothering me so much! He looks like Rip, flucking Torn! Or, is it “Thorn”? Either way, I’ve finally nailed it. Wonder if he has any glitter? I know Rip always did.

  43. Linda said,

    Rip Torn. Not a bad porn flick name. And yes I do see the resemblance!

  44. Nadine said,

    I think you mean Rip Taylor — Rip Torn was the boss man in Men In Black. Rip Taylor is the confetti, flashy guy.

  45. LaFlamme said,

    Wow. You’s guys are making fun of my dress now?

  46. Mainetarr said,

    It’s really not your color, Mark. It kinda washes you out a little. I would stick with the pinks and mint greens you usually wear. Queer Eye for the Straight Writer.

  47. Linda said,

    And really, Mark, since you don’t believe in aprons — I hope you are standing well back from that whipped cream. With a more feminine shape that you are used to, you run the risk of wearing your baking ingredients if you don’t keep an eye on your frontal location.

  48. Mainetarr said,

    Looks like a big pumpkin on old Marth’s shoulders. Notice the tanned neck and the contrasting white head? That’s quite a melon you got there LaFlamme.

  49. LaFlamme said,

    Does the outfit make my butt look big?

  50. Asshat said,

    It makes your head look big. Hope you didn’t get that cigar from Clinton, either. Did it taste fishy?

  51. LaFlamme said,

    Guh ROSS!

  52. Mainetarr said,

    I bet Treehugger had something to do with you smoking that cigar. He is such a bad influence.

  53. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. I pick up three or four new vices every time I see him.

  54. Mainetarr said,

    Me too. LOL But his dog leaves my dog treats on the back porch, so not everything I get from his is a “bad thing” as Martha would say. Is it true Martha Stewarts maiden name was Farcar? Martha Farcar?

  55. LaFlamme said,

    I heard it was Fokker.

  56. Mainetarr said,

    Farcar must be the Maine version. HA! How did you get your roots so dark, or was that Martha?

  57. LaFlamme said,

    I dunno. Treehugger does my hair.

  58. Linda said,

    Multi-talented, that Treehugger.

  59. AO said,

    With what? A skill saw?

  60. Brenda said,

    Hey, Martha’s prison gift poncho was great! Showed someone going from rich & famous into a humiliating situation, paying the consequences of her choices, & humiility. Makes her more real. Started a fad. I love the idea that it came from a prisoner & not hoity-toity “high- fashion” designers. I’d make crocheted ponchos too if it didn’t take so long to finish; I like to start & finish something in the same day. It was a gift of affection, someone liked her enough to do give her a hand made poncho.

  61. Brenda said,

    Linda & K2, here’s how you divide ancestry by thirds, it happens all the time: drop the non-white (Native American) grandparent ….. it was government policy in our grandparents’ days.

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