Solar sonnet

August 21, 2006 at 2:04 am (Uncategorized)

xena.jpgWhen I was a boy, I tried to come up with a dirty string of words with which to remember all the planets in our solar system. While good boys and girls were muttering: “My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas” all over the place, I was trying to work in words like “penis” and “vulva” and “urethra.” Fat lot of good it did me. I was a deviant child, but not a very poetic one.

Now, decades later, I’m faced with the same daunting task. Only now, the memory jogging half haiku has gone up three degrees in difficulty. With Pluto allowed to remain in the solar suburbs, three more orbiting bodies will have to be invited in. Specifically, Ceres, Sharon and Xena.

As usual when I can’t muster talent of my own, I’m putting it out to you space cadets. How can we possibly remember the new string of planets without a catchy phrase? I say we all take the day off from work to work on this problem. For the betterment of science, of course.

The new letters are: M V E M C J S U N P C X

Let’s be careful out there.

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95 Comments

  1. Mainetarr said,

    wow, too early, I will have to think about this one.

  2. The Friendly Buddhist said,

    M V E M C J S U N P C X
    Mastrubating
    Violently
    Elicits
    Moans
    Causing
    Jizz
    Stained
    Underwear,
    Porno
    Comes
    X-rated
    Have to work on the ending

  3. Brenda said,

    Xena’s moon’s name is Gabrielle, and I don’t need any acronyms to remember that!

  4. K2 said,

    We should go back to 8 planets. It’s almost like the solar system has gone PC — everythings’s a planet, and an A+ for all!

    By the way, the SJ dumped all their blogs today. Wonder if they’re gone for good, or if they’re revamping them, which I heard they were contemplating.

  5. Mainetarr said,

    No great loss on those blogs getting dumped. Let’s revamp and start over, see what happens..

  6. LaFlamme said,

    Wow. Great early offering from the Buddhist.

  7. K2 said,

    Nope, they’re back. Same old screw heads in Our View.

  8. LaFlamme said,

    How about that Whitehouse? “It’s best that the Sox lose.” What the hell is that?

  9. AO said,

    I was just reading his blog. I’m at a loss for words. He must be a little screwy after his surgery. Yeah, that’s it.

  10. LaFlamme said,

    I dunno, though. It’s an affliction among lots of Sox fans. I heard a lot of people yesterday giving up on the season because of this atrocious series.

  11. AO said,

    I’ll be the first to admit that I hate watching the Sox play the Yankees. I never watch. But, I never give up on them. We need pitchers. Badly.

  12. LaFlamme said,

    Speaking of Mastrubating Violently Elicits Moans Causing Jizz Stained Underwear, Porno Comes X-rated, where’s Bulldog?

  13. LaFlamme said,

    Timlin was great. Walked a guy, hit a guy, left the game.

  14. AO said,

    See? I don’t know because, I didn’t watch!

    I don’t know where the dog is. She’s gone missing. She’s a stray.

  15. LaFlamme said,

    Has anyone seen Bulldog since… the mystery creature?

  16. AO said,

    Ha. No, but I have recieved a few emails from her.

  17. Mainetarr said,

    I AM ON THE PHONE WITH BULLDOG RIGHT NOW!!!

  18. Mainetarr said,

    ***whistle whistle** Oh Bulldog…..where are you girl? Buuuuullllllldooooogggg……where are you?

  19. Mainetarr said,

    Don’t be shy BUlldog, you are still queen beeotch around here. Speak up!

  20. Bulldog said,

    Thank God I have an italian birdie telling me what’s going on in here while I’m licking my chops

  21. Mainetarr said,

    peep peep

  22. Mainetarr said,

    What were you doing while we were talking? It sounded like you were having way too good of a time. You know, I was happy to hear your voice too, but my hands stayed on the keyboard all the time, I swear.

  23. Bulldog said,

    Hey flame boy, what are you insinuating with that comment anyway (#12)? Does it mean that I make you cream your pants or that I always cream my pants…

  24. Bulldog said,

    MT, I can do many things at once. As a matter of fact, I was making a dip when you called (funny, it has white stuff in it too!!)

    Thanks for giving me the heads up on the bashing. I like bashing. I like spanking. I like typing with one hand….

  25. Mainetarr said,

    And I like you, Bulldog. You’re the bomb. What kinda dip?

  26. K2 said,

    Mark, you know, I am still honestly disturbed by what Whitehouse wrote, regarding rooting for the Sox to NOT make the playoffs. I mean, I like Randy, but that is the most twisted sports psychology/psychosis I’ve ever heard. Are the players supposed to try to lose? Is he rooting for them to fail? Or will he be pissed if Ortiz hits another walk-off homer? All in the interest of NEXT year?!?

    And what about the Sox fans in the stands? What are they paying for? Defeat? Or kids who look up to the players? ‘My hero is a quitter.’ I’m a Yankee fan, but I still think Epstein is trying to put a quality product on the field, and the players are trying to win. Is Coca-Cola going to ruin their recipe this year to piss off its fans in order to fix the flavor down the road in order to get its fans back? C-r-a-z-y.

    In fact, I can’t think of one instance where I’ve ever seriously played anything and was not trying ot win. Even if you have no chance, you still TRY to win. That’s the beauty of sports — Never Say Die.

    But maybe Randy never actually played sports? His latest blog has me more than wondering. It’s even more blasphemous than when he insulted people who watch the Superbowl in bars. (People like me.) And then he later admitted that he didn’t even watch most of the Superbowl, ’cause he was busy entertaining kids and looking for more Chex mix. In my world, come Superbowl Sunday at 6:20 pm, the kids had better entertain themselves and the bar better be open. And fuck Chex, I want a beer.

  27. Bulldog said,

    K2, lighten up….. here’s something that’ll put a smile on your bong water stained face:

    M y
    V ibrator
    E xtracts
    M uscle
    J uices
    S aturating
    U nto
    P illows
    C ausing
    X anadu

  28. K2 said,

    Bulldog, I bet you take control. TOTAL control.

  29. K2 said,

    Listen you gutter slut, leave my bong out of this. Just because I like to suck on it, well, . . . oh, never mind!

  30. Bulldog said,

    smoke another joint dude…expand your horizone, take another hit. Hang on, give me that joint and I’ll MAKE you take another hit.

  31. K2 said,

    I love when you talk weed to me.

  32. Bulldog said,

    ah, there’s YOUR female gene coming thru- do you like big fat ones or long skinny ones?

  33. Bulldog said,

    joints, that is

  34. Mainetarr said,

    My money is on the long skinny ones for K2. Am I right, K??

  35. Bulldog said,

    Oh and K2, that’s Cum Guzzling Gutter Slut to you. Get it right.

  36. Bulldog said,

    sorry MT, I didn’t answer your question- I was making a green olive and cream cheese dip (don’t knock it ’til you try it)

  37. LaFlamme said,

    Wow. Such talk from such a delicate flower.

  38. LaFlamme said,

    I didn’t mean to insinuate that you treat yourself to the ageless joys of self-love with a doggy bone, by any means. Oh, wait. Yes, I did.

  39. LaFlamme said,

    Regarding Whitehouse: I have no idea. I mean, Sox fans are always throwing in the towel in like, the third inning if they are down. It’s their trademark. But resigning yourself to a loss and even welcoming it? That’s completely contrary to the meaning and beauty of sport.

  40. Bulldog said,

    delicate flower, my ass. I’m the thorn in your bush (or is it, I have a thorn in my bush).

  41. LaFlamme said,

    Ouch, man.

  42. Bulldog said,

    I haven’t given up on my sox yet. I have a Yankee fan living here right now (my brother) and believe me, he’s being a true Yankee asshole. I didn’t give up on them when they were down before, why start now?

  43. Bulldog said,

    Yea, I’ll make it hurt baby. Really bad.

  44. LaFlamme said,

    You ought to come to Lewiston more often. We could head to the Cage for a drink. *running*

  45. Bulldog said,

    you pinky flippin’ flame boy!

  46. K2 said,

    Listen you Cum Dumpster/Sperm Gurgler, I like ‘gorilla finger’ joints. Fat and long. Just like the black cocks you crave.

    Actually, I prefer bongs. Cleaner, cooler hits. But not so subtle in public.

    The key to a joint in public is to smoke it like it’s a cigarette. Hold it like a butt, pay no mind to anyone, and almost all of the time, no one will even know. Almost no one.

    Smoke if ya got ’em. . . .

  47. K2 said,

  48. AO said,

    I miss all the fun stuff. Bulldog, I also make a olive and cream cheese dip. Don’t for get to add the Garlic Powder!! It makes it ten times better! But, if you prefer, add some of K2’s “herb”. I’m sure a good time will be had by all.

  49. Linda said,

    Now THAT sounds good!

  50. AO said,

    Hmm…I’m just wondering how it would taste? I never liked brownies baked with K2’s “herb”…just too damn yuckky!

  51. K2 said,

    Hey, Herb is unto himself. I’ve never even BEEN to Thailand.

  52. LaFlamme said,

    Wow. Porn on the news. That would liven up droll broadcasts.

  53. AO said,

    K2, I’m not talking about “Thailand Herb”. He IS a Herb unto himself. Or, something.

    Porn on the Sun Urinal would be even better! Talk about livening things up. That paper needs to liven things up!

  54. Linda said,

    We’re never going to get porn on the SJ. Did you read that sappy Q & A about “creativity in the bedroom”? How to take a potentially interesting subject and take it straight to family-rated!

  55. AO said,

    That was in the SJ? Where? I missed it.

  56. Linda said,

    on line. click on b section on the left, top of the same column where the blogs are listed at the bottom. Then you will see an article named something like “creativity in the bedroom”. who wouldn’t click on that?

  57. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. The SJ has a column called “Sexcetera” but it won’t allow items that discuss oral sex. That makes sense. And let’s not forget that I was unable to use the phrase “balls of steel” as quoted by someone else. In the serial version of Asterisk, the top editor ruled that a boy saying “Jeezum Crow” was too vulgar.

  58. AO said,

    Oh, get out! “Jeezum Crow”..vulgar? WTF? The SJ needs to get a pair of those steel balls. What a bunch of weenies.

  59. Linda said,

    I wasn’t referring to Sexcetera, this was the Advice Diva. She did tell the writer he might have to find another bedpost to hang his handcuffs on. Really, would any of you guys write to someone called “advice diva” if you were having that sort of problem?

  60. LaFlamme said,

    If I were having that kind of problem, I’d put it to the blog for some sage advice and hardcore ridiculing.

  61. Linda said,

    Now that makes more sense than a frigging Advice Diva.

  62. AO said,

    And, you’d get both. Especially the hardcore ridiculing.

  63. Advice Diva said,

    Dear Advice Diva: My neighbors can certainly afford to buy their own groceries, but I have a hard time making ends meet so I plant a garden every year. As soon as my vegetables are ripe enough to pick, the neighbors sneak over in the night and rip off all my best carrots and zucchini. Should I try to catch them at it, or just let it go? I’m tired of working hard for their benefit. Bulldog

    Dear Bulldog: Why not try introducing them to dog bones? I find that dog bones are an excellent alternative to vegetables. They are available all year round, and the variety of shapes available may suit them better than your vegetables — especially in a bad growing year! They might just thank you for it. Good luck!

  64. Advice Diva said,

    (Not that Bulldog would write to me either, but I’m just sayin’…)

  65. LaFlamme said,

    Ah, this gives me an idea. Don’t you hate when that happens?

  66. Nadine said,

    My
    Vagina
    Emails
    Make
    Computer
    Jerkers
    Send
    Users
    Neatly
    Printed
    Cunt
    Xeroxes

    HA! Best I could do on a whim 🙂
    It’s kinda funny, but not enough dirty words…maybe another “cumming” later, heh.

    PS: Mark, I’m gonna out you if you don’t hurry up with my request *evil grin*

  67. Linda said,

    OMG, Mark has both an idea and a request. What to do first?

  68. Linda said,

    Nadine, that’s good. It’s been dry spell since the Buddhist’s contribution this morning.

  69. K2 said,

    Linda, no worries.

    You know, with Lininean taxonomy, it was always King (kingdom), Phillip (phylum), Comes (class), Over (order), For (family), Good (genus), Spaghetti (species); but I honestly remembered it back in high school as King Phillip Cums On Fat Girl’s Stomach. I guess I’ve ‘come’ full circle with this blog.

    How would the the SJ write about Jeezum Jim Jeffords? It’s not like you’re talking about ‘shrimping’ or ‘tossing salad.’ Or are you?

  70. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, cool. Acronyms from another field. I’ll take it.

  71. LaFlamme said,

    Nadine: not… the request. Anything, but that!
    Okay, I’m on it. Just don’t out me. I don’t want the bloggers to know about that… thing I did with that… thing.

  72. Nadine said,

    Mark, I would NEVER! The nerve! Haha, just messin with ya.

    I have a lame chain for the planets that I used in school, and I know all the presidents up to garfield using this:

    When a junkie makes money, and journeys in a van; his typical pot tastes fairly potent, but life just gets harder garfield

    I know, weird, but it works!

    Still workin on the sex words…

  73. Nadine said,

    EDIT: I DO also know the presidents after garfield, that is just how I learned the first ones in school

    …sheesh, I need another hit, haha

    “think (un)sexy thoughts, think (un)sexy thoughts…” — Homer J. Simpson D’OH!!!

  74. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, that’s damn cool. I have no idea the order of the presidents. Is it Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Monroe, Madison to begin with?

  75. Mainetarr said,

    Here’s what I learned in school

    Share your lunch
    Share a ride
    Share your feelings
    Deep inside
    But never share
    your hat or comb
    Or lice will make
    Your head their home

  76. LaFlamme said,

    What the hell is that? And what about Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge? What the hell does that connotate?

  77. Nadine said,

    honestly, i dont think so, i think the “money” was just to help it make sense – like “in a van” = van buren. I think its adams, jefferson, monroe, adams…haha, someone smarter will know!

    Man, I feel old now…and my b-day is next thurs! *plug*

    Waahhhh!!!

  78. Nadine said,

    My
    Vagina
    Exercise
    Makes
    Climaxing
    Juicy
    Sex
    Utterly
    Nipple
    Pinching…
    Certainly
    X-rated
    (that damn “x”! :P)

    ok, I’m done now, my brain is tired…and I suddenly have the urge to put in a “movie” *ahem*

  79. Linda said,

    Mainetarr, I love it! I never learned that in school. I thought sure it was going to have a different ending.

    And Nadine, yay!!! birthday. having a party?

  80. Nadine said,

    nope…takin my son to OOB tomorrow and stayin for 3 nights though!

    Gonna miss me? 🙂

  81. Mainetarr said,

    You betcha Nadine! Hope you have a good time though.

  82. Nadine said,

    I don’t remember MTs string…what is it?

    And Mark, I think it’s the piano keys????? Maybe??? I remember hearing that one. well, must not have worked too well if we cannot even recall what they freakin stand for — haha!!

    OMG, I just got the “slow down cowboy” msg for posting within 15 seconds of myself!! That’s too funny!

  83. Nadine said,

    MT!!! Give it up! What does that string mean?? Oh, wait, it’s the saying itself. Oops, I’m really dumb tonight, haha. Nevermind

  84. Dave said,

    Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge is not what you think Mark – friggin pervert.

    It’s the notes on the treble clef lines. E, then G, B, D, and F.

  85. Dave said,

    Are some new planets or something? Is Pluto still a planet?

    I’m so confused.

  86. Dave said,

    Are sthere ome new planets or something? Is Pluto still a planet?

    I’m so confused.

  87. LaFlamme said,

    There are many who believe Pluto is NOT a planet because it is A) very wee b) out there beyond the gas giants near the Kuiper belt and c) erratic in its orbit. But the astro society came up with a new definition that allows Pluto to stay in the solar family. In doing so, it opened the door for other bodies that fit the definition. Specifically, Ceres, between Mars and Jupiter, Charon, Pluto’s twin, and Xena, which really IS in the Kuiper belt. The problem with this new definition is that we’ll probably have a hundred planets within a decade. The textbooks won’t be able to keep up. It would have made more sense to narrow the definition and boot Pluto. But the purists couldn’t bear it.

  88. Anonymous said,

    M unching
    V aginas
    E very
    M onday
    J ust
    S pawns
    U nknown
    P leasures
    C lit
    X traordinaire

  89. Anonymous said,

    Linda will get blamed for the above post, but it wasn’t her.

  90. LaFlamme said,

    Suuuuuuuuuure, it wasn’t.

  91. Anonymous said,

    My
    Very
    Experienced
    Mistress’s (Mistress is)
    Just
    Straight
    Up
    Perky
    Cock
    Xpert

  92. Anonymous said,

    Besides, I think Linda is in bed by this time of the evening.

  93. Linda said,

    I swear, it wasn’t me!! Wish I had that talent

  94. Anonymous said,

    Don’t worry, Linda, I know it wasn’t you. I’ll let you take the credit though if you want.

  95. trapp1 said,

    Array

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