Ask Bulldog

August 22, 2006 at 12:10 am (Uncategorized)

bulldogius.JPGNo matter what power tool you bring into the bedroom, you just can’t seem to satisfy your wife. Your boyfriend keeps requesting that you come home dressed as his third grade teacher and you don’t know how to feel about it. Your son appears to have an unhealthy obsession with barnyard animals and you need professional help.

You could turn to the Advice Diva or that insipid couple at Sexcetera, but what are they going to do for you? Wise-cracking know nothings, is what they are. It’s time to call in a pro. It’s time to unleash the dogs of naughty.

For those who don’t know Bulldog, here are the quick facts. She’s a feisty redhead, appears to enjoy matters of carnal quandary, and she can drink most of us under the table. To my knowledge, there is no subject that can make the lady blush. There is talk that Bulldog has designed a vibrator with such magnificent pleasure nodes, penises may be obsolete altogether in the very near future. Bulldog is a sexual intellectual of the highest order.

So, I urge you to unburden yourself. No, not that way, fiend. Zip your damn pants up. What I mean is, you should feel comfortable opening up to Lady Bulldog and seeking her guidance in all things sexual. Need a fancy new position to wow that stewardess? Ask Bulldog. Need a home cure for an itchy affliction? Ask Bulldog. Need to know the laws on sodomy and animal abuse from state to state? Ask Bulldog and strengthen your sexual muscle.

DISCLAIMER: Bulldog is not a medical expert. If you have items or animals lodged in a hard to reach orifice, contact your local hospital for emergency help. Pervert.

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70 Comments

  1. Firecrotch said,

    Dear Bulldog,
    I took you advice about the vibrators the last time I was shopping at the mystique boutique and bought the red one. After using it for a month, I figured out it was really a fire extinguisher. I am terribly attached to it now and I am not sure what to do. Any advice?

    Firecrotch

  2. K2 said,

    Only YOU can prevent crotch fires.

  3. Bulldog said,

    Dear Smokin’ Hole,

    I see no problem in becuming attached to the fire extinguisher. I myself have had a compelling urge to extinguish my hot loins with a few fire hoses. My only concern is how you plan on having it refilled. Please contact me personally for those instructions. You may need my personal help.

    BD

  4. Just Wondering said,

    Dear Bulldog.
    What would you do to your husband if you found out that he was cheating on you with someone else? Would the punishment be worse if the person could be classified in the dog species?

  5. Bobbie said,

    Very cute picture this morning.

  6. Bulldog said,

    Dear Have No Clue,

    I am not the jealous type but IF, by some freak of nature, my husband cheated on me, I would not be upset because he cheated on me. I would be upset because he did not include me in on the fun. The key here is to have an open mind- if you can’t beat him (which, under normal circumstances I would), join ’em. I have never been classified as “normal”

    As for the dog species classification, is there such thing as a “menage a trois” dog?

    BD

  7. Bulldog said,

    Dear Boobie,

    Are you making a pass at me? Are you a beaver muncher in disguise?

  8. Bulldog said,

    P.S.
    Just kidding Boobie. I know you what you like and it ain’t beavers!

  9. Horny Toad said,

    Dear Bulldog,

    Do you like girls? What about a menage a deux-just two girls.

    Horny Toad

  10. Bobbie said,

    BD,
    No passes today, I’m afraid. In someone’s fantasy, I am, but never had the desire.

  11. Bobbie said,

    BD,
    Because it’s you, I’ll let you slide today.

  12. Bulldog said,

    Dearest Boobie,

    If you let me slide, be sure it’s slippery ;o)

  13. Bulldog said,

    Dear French Frog,

    Although 2 is company and 3 is a crowd, I prefer a crowd. Not that I don’t like the one on one contact sport- that is definitely fun, especially if handcuffs are involved but I do prefer a manage a deux with the opposite sex.

    Excuse me- I have to go lick myself. I mean, wash myself. My fingers are sticky.

  14. Bobbie said,

    The slipperier the better and I’ll make sure that there are strategically placed handles to keep you from falling off. That short drop to the floor can be painful at times, especially in the wrong position.

  15. Brenda said,

    I recently purchase a vibrator, but I keep chipping my tooth. Any suggestions?

  16. Rampaging Chocobo said,

    …Whoah. Come on, chipping your tooth? Wrong equator, it seems! >_>;

    I got a question, Bulldog. Foreplay or hot, sweaty sex?

  17. Linda said,

    Why not both?

  18. LaFlamme said,

    Dear Bulldog
    Are you going to kill me for setting you up as a sexpert without notifying you of this beforehand?

    Leery in Lewiston

  19. Curious said,

    Dear Bulldog

    Every time I open this blog my husband gets excited. How can I tell which picture is exciting him — you, Lucy Lawless, or Martha Stewart? Just wondering … there must be some clue? I’d appreciate any advice.

    Curious

  20. LaFlamme said,

    Ooooh, good question. I’ll leave it to Bulldog. But if your husband is excited by Martha Stewart’s body with my face on it, you have problems. Big problems.

  21. Horny Toad said,

    Is that a cigar in your mouth or something else, Martha Wannabe?

  22. Bulldog said,

    Dearest dearest Brenda,

    Child, I recommend that if you want to practice, do it on a banana. Be sure to peel it first. If there are no teeth marks on the banana, then you know you’re doing it right. Please refrain from practicing on your vibrator. The only teeth marks that should be on it are my dog’s.

  23. Bulldog said,

    Dear Rampaging Coockoo,

    Is there a choice?

  24. Bulldog said,

    Dear Curiously Lost,

    I do believe that your husband may have somehow set your vibrator up to work when you get on this blog. I suggest you stop screwing around in here and start screwing him. Batteries are expensive.

  25. Bulldog said,

    My dear DEAR Leering Flame Boy,

    Now, why, prey tell, would I be upset with you? I consider it a complement that you would consider me, the thorn in your ass, the “sexpert” as you so aptly put it. Although I would have liked to have been warned of the barrage of questions being asked of me, I LOOOVE a challenge and doing spontaneous things is right up my alley.

    Just be careful where you walk. There may be a steaming pile just waiting for you.

    Hugs and Kisses,
    Your Delicate Flower

  26. LaFlamme said,

    Naw, naw. You ain’t fooling me. I’m taking the day off and going into hiding.

  27. Anonymous said,

    Dear Bulldog, What’s the story behind you and peanut butter?

  28. Bulldog said,

    Dear Anonyass,

    There is no story behind me and peanut butter. Just because of ONE night with a guy that dressed up as the stupid Planter’s Peanut guy, I’ll never live down the fact that I put peanut butter on EVERYTHING. Although I do- everyone knows that dogs love peanut butter.

  29. Anonymous said,

    How did you ever get all of that peanut butter off? Lick it?

  30. Bulldog said,

    Dear Anass,

    How else would a dog get it off? Rub it in the dirt?! I am also fond of whipped cream (the stuff that cums in a can). Do you think I’d waste the stuff by washing it off with a face cloth?!

    Next question.

  31. Horny Toad said,

    Bulldog,

    do you know what is black and comes in a white can?

    Michael Jackson.

  32. Herb said,

    What would have happened if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
    We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

  33. Herb said,

    What’s the cheapest meat?

    Deer balls, they’re under a buck.

  34. Anonymous said,

    A man walks into a bar and says “Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack”. The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says “Another”.
    The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says “Another”.

    As the bartender pours the third glass he says, “Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?”

    The man says, “Ten years, ten years I’ve been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her.”

    The bartender says “Geez, what did you say.”

    The man says ” I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!”

  35. K2 said,

    Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat’s milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.
    This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He’s 24 years old now.”
    “Yes, I remember him as a baby,” says the other mother, cheerfully.
    “He’s a martyr now, though,” mum confides.
    “Oh, so sad dear,” says the other.
    “And this is my second son, Kalid. He’s 21.”
    Oh, I remember him,” says the other, happily. “He had such curly hair when he was born.”
    “He’s a martyr, too,” says mum, quietly.
    “Oh gracious me,” says the other.
    “And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He’s 18,” she whispers.
    “Yes,” says the friend enthusiastically, “I remember when he first started school.”
    “He is a martyr, also,” says mum, with tears in her eyes.
    After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”

  36. Anonymous said,

    Q. What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu?

    A. You get Bullshit.

  37. LaFlamme said,

    Wow. You people are SMOKING hot!

  38. Mainetarr said,

    A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, “Open the safe.”
    She says, “This isn’t a real bank, it’s a sperm bank.”
    He says, “Open the safe or I’ll shoot.”
    She opens the safe, and he says, “Now take one of the bottles and drink it.”
    After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
    He says, “Now you see? It’s not so difficult, is it?”

  39. K2 said,

    No, I’m smoking a bong.

  40. AO said,

    For you, K2,

    Smoking my bong
    Can make me, oh so gay
    Smoking my bong
    Can make me go astray

    Smoking my bong
    Smoking my bong
    Smoking my bong
    I’ll be smoking my bong

  41. AO said,

  42. Anonymous said,

    Linda is driving into aWilton and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, K2 runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.
    “Oh my God!” she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff’s car parked in front of the Dunkin Donuts.
    “It figures,” she says as she storms inside.
    The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who’s sitting at the bar with his drink.
    “What kind of sick town are you running here? I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal…. and then …I come in here …and see LaFlamme in the corner jacking-off right in public!”
    “Well, ma’am,” the sheriff slowly replies, “you don’t expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?”

  43. AO said,

    The Houston Zoo was transporting a large female gorilla to New Orleans’ Audubon Zoo. Just outside of Lafayettte, the gorilla begins to go crazy, making it difficult to drive the transport truck. The zookeepers realized that the gorilla was in heat and pulled off at the next exit to try to figure out what to do to calm the gorilla down.
    One of the zookeepers suggested that they find someone to mate with her to hold her over until they could make it to New Orleans. Just then, ol’ Boudreaux comes walking down the street toward the truck. The zookeeper approached Boudreaux and said, “Excuse me, sir, but I have a proposition for you. How about $50 to mate with that gorilla in the back of our truck?”

    Boudreaux began to scratch his head and thought about the proposition for a minute. Boudreaux then said “I’ll do it, but I got three requests.”

    The zookeepers asked what his requests were.

    Boudreaux replied, “First … nobody gonna watch because it is kinda embarrasin. Second, don’t tell my mama — she’s a good Catlick, goes to church every Sunday, and would not like to hear about dis.”

    The zookeepers then asked, “That’s fine Boudreaux, but what is your third request?”

    Boudreaux hesitated a while then said, “Ummmm, can dis wait ’til Friday? Dat’s when I get paid.”

  44. Rampaging Chocobo said,

    I Am Not Here Because I Am Not All There

    One of the newest slogan t-shirts at Wally World.

  45. Bulldog said,

    I’m just smokin’

  46. AO said,

    GPC’s or Misty 120’s?

  47. Mainetarr said,

    From the looks of the blog, I’d say she smoking something a little bit stronger than GPC’s. I have never seen a Bulldog smoke. LOL

  48. Linda said,

    Shit, Mark, that was YOU in Dunkin’ Donuts?

  49. Mainetarr said,

    By the way, that’s a beautiful pink outfit you have on Bulldog.

  50. AO said,

    Must have been Dan who posted the Dunkin Donuts joke.

  51. AO said,

    Isn’t Bulldog’s tiara different than the one in the photo?

  52. Anonymous said,

    Naw, it was sheila

  53. Linda said,

    A husband and wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you’ve got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

    A guy pulls up and says, “How much?”

    “A hundred dollars.”

    “Damn. All I’ve got is thirty.”

    “Hold on,” she says and runs back to the husband. “What can he get for thirty dollars?” “A handjob,” he replies.

    She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

    She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”

    She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, “Honey, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

  54. AO said,

    Haaaa! That’s one of the funniest jokes I’ve ever…read! I’ve got to send that one on to my Humor Summary Guy.

  55. Mainetarr said,

    It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
    “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”
    He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.”
    The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

  56. Anonymous said,

    A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, “Can I smell your pussy?”
    The woman looks at him in disgust and says, “Certainly not!”
    “Hmmm,” he replies. “It must be your feet, then.”

  57. AO said,

    Clinton bumps into a new intern in the hall. He stops, stares at her a moment and then asks “are you new here?”

    The intern replies “Why yes, I am, this is my second day.”

    “I thought so,” said Clinton, “I didn’t think I had come across your face before…”

  58. A dog joke for Ann said,

    On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him on board the airplane.
    About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. “Are you okay, sir?” asked the stewardess
    “Yes, I’m fine,” said the man.
    Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. “Are you sure you’re alright sir?”
    “Yes,” said the man, “but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.”
    “What’s wrong?” asked the stewardess. “Is he not house trained?”
    “No, that’s not the problem. The problem is he’s not weaned yet!”

  59. Herb said,

    A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”
    A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
    The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
    The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
    Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”
    “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
    Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
    He returns the following week, but this time the owner see’s him coming and runs to the kitchen.
    He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
    “Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
    The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here?”

  60. Mainetarr said,

    A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.
    The hooker says, “wheres my money?”
    The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
    It says “gets paid for sex.”
    The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
    It says, “Eats bush and leaves!”

  61. They're all Bastards said,

    A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
    The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
    The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
    The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
    The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

  62. AO said,

    A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

    “Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

    “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

    “That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

    The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

    The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”

  63. Yes they are said,

    How can you tell if your husband is dead?
    The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.

  64. Mainetarr said,

    There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party… Then he had a bright idea.
    When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
    “What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.
    “A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my pants!”

  65. LaFlamme said,

    Man, it’s gonna take me all night to catch up on these bon mots.

  66. Mainetarr said,

    Number 38 made some guy laugh so hard, he had to call and tell me what a sick bitch I am. hee hee

  67. Yes they are said,

    What ever happened to Bulldog?

  68. Anonymous said,

    wow, I look forward to reading all these, but I have to watch “outsiders” first. SO disturbing tonight.

  69. Bobbie said,

    The Pregnant Person enjoyed the column today. Since she didn’t have time to read the blog, I read her the jokes. She was laughing so hard over some of them. She wanted to let everyone know that it figures that her mother has friends who are warped enough to actually put this stuff down in a blog for all the world to see.

  70. Bulldog said,

    DAMN! I missed out last night! Well, not really but well, you know what I mean. Had an emergency sex therapy, that’s why I wasn’t here. Great jokes though. I see all of you have benefitted from our little sex talk. My work is done (for now)

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