Blech!

August 24, 2006 at 12:50 am (Uncategorized)

A FRANK AND EARNEST LIST OF FOOD I HATE.

Onions: they sneak up on you. You’re happily chewing a mouthful of spaghetti when you bite into something that feels like it might be a human fingernail.

Peppers: same as onions, texture-wise, except they also taste like something poisonous from somebody’s ass.

Peas: gushy little bastards. I think peas are really just extremely orbical boogers.

Green beans: I have a motto: if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a bean. Seriously. Baked beans, lima beans, jelly beans, Mexican jumping beans, the Beans of Egypt. Hate them all.

Carrots: gushy and they taste like rabbit poop. I assume.

Pastrami: it’s a mystery. I love almost all forms of meat (place homosexual joke here). Pastrami, though, tastes to me like the bottom of a dead man’s foot.

Raisins: bat testicles!

Creamed corn: who the hell thought of creaming perfectly good corn? It’s like getting the goods after it’s been digested and passed through one orifice or another.

Mushrooms: it’s like eating something that grew on a sock.

Moxie: Not really food, but still. It’s like your grandpa spit in his medicine and then asked you to drink it.

Black olives: love the green ones, hate the black ones. Has nothing to do with race.

Venison: Deer meat tastes like Bambi’s rectum.

Pea soup: God awful! Chalky, foul tasting and outright vile. If given a choice, I would rather eat that shit the Exorcist chick spewed across the room.

Calamari: what is that shit, anyway? Squid? Octopus? Tastes like afterbirth.

Sweet potato: looks and tastes like Carrot Top, the comedian.

Rye bread: any bread that’s not white cannot be trusted. Possibly made of dog.

Oranges: all the work of peeling those stupid things and they bland and joyless. Probably similar to biting into the back of somebody’s eyeball.

Hot Pockets: nasty! I think they mush all of the above ingredients into some grotesque pocket and sprinkle the whole thing with belly button lint from a fat guy.

FOOD I LIKE BUT REALLY SHOULDN’T

Vienna sausage: sure it looks like a truncated penis and has the consistency of same. But I’m good for four or five of these suckers before I start hurling.

Baloney: there are times when I’d rather have baloney than filet mignon. Which is funny because I have absolutely no idea what or who baloney is made of.

Spinich: with butter and vinegar. Plus, I get to bang Olive Oyle.

Fiddleheads: they grown in swamps and I think moose pee on them. Absolutely delicious.

Onion rings: very strange, I know. I hate onions, but totally dig onion rings. I’m very enigmatic.

Steamed clams: one word: scrotum.

Ramen noodles: I still call them Oodles of Noodles. Poor man’s linguini.

Lobster: it’s basically an overgrown crab louse.

Sliced lime: with salt. So good, I once at half my finger while devouring a slice. The finger tasted like Vienna sausage.

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64 Comments

  1. Bobbie said,

    We had pea soup (with chunks of ham that refused to sink) for a meal. After seeing (and smelling) what we were having, I refused to it. The rule when we were growing up was that if you didn’t eat it for one meal, you had to eat it for the next. By the next meal, the pea soup looked worse than it did the meal before it. My parents finally caved about 3 meals into the ordeal. I have never tried it and I never will. I think it’s just disgusting.

    Brussel sprouts are another thing that I refused to eat growing up. They looked slimey and reminded me of tripe (something else that I refuse to eat). Should anyone in the family want brussel sprouts, they can order them when we go out to eat. To this day, I still refuse to buy them.

    Ditto with cauliflower. Reminds me of someone’s brain after it’s been bleached for a year or 2.

    Definitely no Rocky Mountain oysters for me. Disgusting, revolting, and gross. Another going out to eat thing.

    Never have liked liver and probably never will. Again, if someone in the family wants liver, they can order it when we go out to eat. The only liver allowed in the house is used for bait when the urge to go fishing hits.

    I have had tongue before and that wasn’t too bad. I wouldn’t eat it on a regular basis, but atleast I didn’t hurl when told what it was after eating it.

  2. LaFlamme said,

    I’m eating Vienna sausages right now. In really bad moments, I imagine biting into one and finding a big vein running right through the middle of it.

  3. Mainetarr said,

    My neighbor, Kip, grew up on Vienna Sausages and every year at Christmas, I drop a couple cans in his stocking. They look like little fingers and smell like cat food. Anyone that knows me, knows I love to cook and I am not very fussy. Chris, on the other hand, will eat only two vegetables, potato and corn. That’s it. My gross list:
    Liver-the smell of it cooking makes me gag
    Turnip-bland bland bland
    Lobster-just yukky
    Corned beef hash-dog/cat food disguised as breakfast food
    Tripe-Gak!!
    Canned Ravioli-that just ain’t right.
    What do I like that no one can believe?
    Crab-waaaaaay sweeter than Lobster
    Steamed Clams
    Spaghettio’s (haven’t had them as an adult, but loved them as a kid-I used to get them at the neighbors house)
    Calamari-cooked correctly, they can be delicious
    Onions, peppers and mushrooms, oh my!

  4. Mainetarr said,

    Today’s the day astronomers decide if Pluto stays a planet or not, by the way.

  5. jarheaddoc said,

    No can do list:

    Olives-none. Period

    Tomatoes-Not unless they’ve been turned to soup or sauce

    Lobsters-Bottom feeders of the ocean. I can eat them only with a lot of beer and a steak

    Livers and onions-Only if I were a prisoner of war and the asshole out of a dead rat had been taken first

    Venison-Uh, pass. Moose, however, is great, though it turns my turds green.

    Red flannel hash-Insert favorite euphamism for vomit here

    The good stuff:

    Meat: Please butcher something else so I can char it and slap it on my plate.

    ‘Shrooms: The King of Fungus! And good for you, too!

    Coca-Cola: Fuck Pepsi. I should be in a diabetic coma, the amount of the stuff I drink.

    Tobacco: Must be good for you in some way, shape or form, considering how much the fucking government taxes it

  6. K2 said,

    Wow, LaFlamme, you’re a dietary pansie. No oinions, beans, carrots, peppers, etc.? What does your husband eat?

    There’s not much I hate, food-wise, but egg plant is the anti-christ of vegetables.

    Liver is out too. Totally gross.

  7. Gil said,

    There’s not much I won’t or haven’t eaten (food-wise, calm down and for God’s sake pull up your pants). I dislike a lot of things, liver and any type of greens, but I suppose I’d eat the ass of a moose if I was hungry and had enough hot sauce to put on it.
    Bottom of the list:
    Greens – spinach, collards, turnip, etc – if I wanted to eat stewed grass clippings, I’d get them for free from the yard.
    Liver – tastes like dried poo (I imagine)
    Bizarre veggies – Rhubarb, turnips, radishes – seriously, I don’t think you’re really supposed to eat this kind of crap, that’s why it taste like shit, to prevent you from eating it.
    Steamers – nothing wrong with them really, but once you puke from a certain food, you never want them again.

  8. Gil said,

    K2, fried eggplant is the proof of a God/sentinent being/flying spaghetti monster, how something so bizarre can taste so good when cooked correctly.

  9. Richie said,

    There are three basic food groups: Meat – in the form of various things such as steaks or burgers / Potatoes – in various formats / Beer – as in liquid being poured down throat.
    .
    Beyond that, everything else is just so much . . . “french-ness”. Real men only concern is “kill it and grill it” – can they get it ON the grill without too much trouble ?

    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
    “How does Popeye keep his tool from getting rusty ?
    Why, he keeps it in Olive Oyl, of course.”

  10. K2 said,

    It’s one of those things: My mother made egg plant parm at least twice a month when I was a kid, and I fucking hated it.

    To be honest, though, I haven’t given egg plant a fair shake in two decades.

    By the way, radishes rock. Spicy, crunchy cellulose. 25 days from seed to radish. A garden staple. Except this year, where the weeds have officially declared victory. Something had to give this summer, and it’s my gardens. *sigh*

  11. lost shoe said,

    I disagree with EVERYthing in the above “foods I hate” list, I love em all.
    Onions are the first ingredient in everything edible. Peppers do NOt taste like somebody’s ass! ?? What’s wrong with you? You know somebody whose ass tastes like peppers? mmmmm.
    et cetera, it’s all good.

  12. K2 said,

  13. Linda said,

    Eggplant. Also known as aubergine. Don’t you love the way it looks and feels?

  14. Linda said,

    I mean the whole vegetable of course. So purple and smooth, kind of dense and unexpectedly heavy. I just really like eggplants.

    Cooked? not so much.

  15. Oopsy said,

    I tried to post this an hour ago – and somehow it ended up on an old day’s blog…. :>)

    I am soooo glad that there are other idiots out there who dont like lobster. People look at me like I crawled out of some hole when I pass on the L-food. I’m not much for any shellfish, actually, altho I do like scallope. BUT PLEASE – NO RAW CLAMS OR OYSTERS!! Messy slimy things remind me of innards, and I dont eat them either!!
    On the veggie side, I now eat a lot of things I didnt think I liked as a kid – broccoli, cauliflower, lima beans, cabbage come to mind. BUT … I still HATE brussels sprouts and turnips/rutabagas. YUCK. I’’m with Mark about the onions – cant stand them raw, but I like them cooked, and in fact when I am cooking, most anything I make for Main Course comes with fried onions in it. :>)

    And, when I was growing up my mom thought i was allergic to eggs cause I hurled them. So I never had to eat them. As I got older I realized I couldnt be allergic – I mean, I LOVE French Toast and quiche. So, it comes out that I just really DONT LIKE EGGS – in most forms (french toast, quiche, and omelettes full of “stuff” I love)

  16. LaFlamme said,

    Corned beef has shoot be on the list of foods I like but shouldn’t. It DOES look like cat food. Even smells like it. It’s chunky like puke. In fact, it may BE puke, propped up with various herbs and spices. Love the shit.

  17. Linda said,

    Brussels sprouts boiled or steamed don’t work for me. But roasted or grilled, with olive oil, pepper and sea salt … yum. Actually, most anything that you can grill with oil, pepper and salt is pretty easy to like, I think.

    MT, I’m trying to imagine you eating spaghetti-o’s and having a hard time. Did you like the kind with the meatballs? or little hot dogs?

    Vienna sausages have some bad memories for me but my dog loves them.

  18. Mainetarr said,

    Just plain old spaghettio’s. My neighbors grew up on that garbage. My father would roll in his grave if he knew I ate that crap, he made just about the best pasta-anything in the world. His sauce was incredible. I come close with my sauce, but no one has duplicated his to date. With the exception of my Aunt Suzie, his sister in Lynn, MA, he was the best cook I have ever known. As a kid, we would call each other’s houses to see who was having what. Needless to say, most times my neighbor ate at my house. Their house is where they ate SOS, corned beef hash, vienna sausages, all things canned, and tv dinners. Yuk. But the mom there made the best chicken wings(dipped in Maries blue cheese) and homemade baked beans I have ever had.

  19. LaFlamme said,

    What? Spaghetti-o’s without the little hot dogs? Unspeakable!
    You know what I could go for? Beef stew.

  20. Mainetarr said,

    Beef stew you say?? Well..it just so happens……..

  21. Mainetarr said,

    By the way, who are Frank and Ernest? From the comic strip?

  22. AO said,

    Mmmm…corned beef hash with ketchup. Good stuff.

  23. LaFlamme said,

    Frank and Earnest are a homosexual couple who live under a bridge. Nice people. Nice people.

  24. LaFlamme said,

    Corned beef has on toast with poached eggs on top.

  25. jarheaddoc said,

    That is like covering a pile of poop with gold, mark. Shit on a shingle. go eat a sausage

  26. AO said,

    Corned beef hash with fried eggs, bacon, wheat toast, OJ and a good cup of coffee! The perfect breakfast! Have I missed anything?

  27. LaFlamme said,

    Nice! Very nice. Except for the wheat toast. Make mine Texas toast and you’ve got yourself a date.

  28. AO said,

    I think I’ve met Frank and Earnest before. They are a lovely couple. I LOVE what they’ve done to their space under the bridge. The color scheme is to die for!

  29. LaFlamme said,

    Absolutely. They have gay genes both for decorating and whatever that other stuff is that gay people do.

  30. LaFlamme said,

    Anyone else notice a dearth in breakfast spots around here? I’m an Uncle Moe’s fan.

  31. jarheaddoc said,

    Regarding #26, AO, you certainly did forget something: the fucking trash can to toss the corned beef hash in. Feed it to the dog. any animal that will eat its own shit will eat that.

  32. AO said,

    Uncle Moe’s is good. But, I haven’t been there for a few years. I love going to Denny’s. You can get breakfast there anytime of the day. I love breakfast at night!

  33. AO said,

    So, JD, I take it that you…hmmm….hate corned beef hash?

  34. jarheaddoc said,

    Holy shit, the crap my father used to make with anything left in the fridge really, and I mean I am in therapy to this day over it, really, really reminds me of ruptured esophageal varices

  35. Linda said,

    The only time I ever ate corned beef hash was when I was pregnant and my body was crazy. I saw a picture ad for corned beef hash in the subway, and was overcome with craving for it, even though I’d never tasted it. At my stop (Maverick Square, East Boston) I BOLTED off the train and stopped at the neighborhood market to buy some canned hash. Ate the whole can and barfed the rest of the week. Never had the urge since!

  36. jarheaddoc said,

    Because I know you’re wondering what the hell those are, I will tell you: the veins in the esophagus get backfilled with blood from years of alcohol abuse, and when they rupture, you can be dead before you hit the floor. think of them as the varicose veins of your esophagus

  37. jarheaddoc said,

    And the stuff smelled like the vomit from someone with a GI bleed.

  38. LaFlamme said,

    So, THAT’S what those veins are in my esophagus.

  39. Linda said,

    Please don’t explain #37 jd. I know what you mean but if anyone doesn’t, leave them their dinner.

  40. AO said,

    JD, ya just gotta try the canned stuff. It’s the best.

    Linda, I ate so much broccoli during my first pregnancy that, just thinking about it makes me green. Ewww…broccoli.

  41. Linda said,

    I had some awesomely good meatballs tonight, and other good stuff, at a dinner party.

  42. jarheaddoc said,

    Ya know, Linda, it really doesn’t matter which end the bleed comes from, shit or puke, it is just fucking nasty. There is no amount of vick’s in the world that will clean that smell from either your nostril or the memory cells in your olfactory nerves.

  43. jarheaddoc said,

    Meatballs: made by people who don’t know how to make a good hamburger and drown their wretched lack of skill in tomato sauce. I can eat them by the dozen

  44. Linda said,

    Nasty it is — I’ve experienced both though definitely not as “up close and personal” as you have. Don’t know how you do it.

  45. jarheaddoc said,

    The best way is to get someone else to ride in the back with the poor dying bastard you were sent to pick up. RHIP: rank has its pricks

  46. AO said,

    Well, there goes my appetite.

  47. Linda said,

    Besides the meatballs, I heard a 14 year old play a killer saxophone (A-train) and also spent time with my favorite 80-year old man in the world. He says whatever he thinks, his best line to me tonight was — “You went to THAT college? I didn’t think anyone from Rumford could get into a good college like that. Well, you seem smart enough, but …” I said, but what? He said, well you married this guy, you don’t seem that well suited, how long have you been married to each other?

  48. jarheaddoc said,

    Glad I could be of service.

  49. BOHICA said,

    And so we segue into Linda’s nightly agenda

  50. AO said,

    Sounds like a fun night, Linda. It’s always fun to listen to old people speak their minds. Lot’s of wisdom and always peppered with sarcasm.

  51. Linda said,

    Yes, I like it when people say exactly what they are thinking.

  52. BOHICA said,

    Always happy to help

  53. AO said,

    Thanks, JD.

  54. Martha said,

    Speaking of meatballs.. I’d give a whole lot for a Georgio’s meatball sub.. I haven’t had one in YEARS….
    I agree with Mark on the onions and peppers.. especially about the texture thing. To me, biting into an onion is like biting into a mouthful of grit.. sets my teeth right on edge.
    I despise anything in the cabbage family… YUCK!! just plain nasty. Most other veggies are ok though. I like most meats and seafood. I’ll take a pass on the liver, although if forced, I’d take pork liver over beef.. To me beef liver tastes like a cow barn smells.

  55. LaFlamme said,

    Cabbage sucks, as does cole slaw.

  56. jarheaddoc said,

    Did you lose the coin flip to see who would write that, AO?

  57. Linda said,

    If I had something to say to you, I’d say it myself. Under my own name.

  58. Ray said,

    Target’s up, fire for effect

  59. Linda said,

    I said IF.

    I’m not into it.

  60. LaFlamme said,

    I appear to have missed something.

  61. jarheaddoc said,

    We-me, Linda, Ao-were having a pretty good discussion about the blog topic before Linda segued meatballs into what happened at a dinner party, hence the BOHICA comment about Linda getting to her agenda for the night. AO and linda responded in kind (meaning a sarcastic and snippy shot back) to what I had posted as BOHICA.

    The posting as BOHICA was in reference to remarks Linda has, in the past, made about herself (usually) having an agenda for her presence on the blog.

    Comments #56-58 are my responses and have evidently been viewed as either a line in the sand or the throwing down of the gauntlet. Take your pick.

  62. Tamara aka Daughtio said,

    Let’s see what I agree with you on.

    I hate: onions, peppers, carrots (cooked), raisins, creamed corn, moxie, venison, pea soup, calamari, sweet potato, rye bread.

    Foods I like that you do: vienna sausage, baloney, fiddleheads, onion rings, steamed clams, ramen noodles, lobster.

    For the most part…like father, like daughter =)

  63. K2 said,

    LaFlammette Junior?

  64. Charles Davies said,

    Google is the best search engine

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