School zone

August 29, 2006 at 12:09 am (Uncategorized)



1. Waking up early. This will always be number one on my list of things I hate. If you’re a naturally late sleeper, few things compare to the hellish sound of an alarm clock reminding you that you have to get out of bed to go some place you detest. Entire childhoods are spent obeying that demonic alarm clock so you can go to school and obey a legion of demonic adults.

2. Fuggin cold. For the most part, I walked to school. But whether your hiking through the snow or waiting for a bus, it’s all part of the same purgatory. You’re subjected to extreme weather in order to get to a place you’d rather not get to.

3. Back to school shopping. You had to study in the middle of vacation to get up to speed with the year’s fashion. Who the hell every decided chamois shirts and those massive, metal belt buckles with the sliding fasteners were cool, anyway?

4. Book covers. I know most of you out there were probably Bob Villa’s of the paper bag book cover. Good for you, Bob. Where the hell were you when I was going through six bottles of glue and 40 bags just to get one half of one book covered. If asked today, I could not cover a book with brown paper if it meant the firing squad.

5. Cafeteria food. I don’t care if you bring a cold lunch or not. You still have to smell cafeteria food. And if you’ve ever been in a jail or prison, you will have noted that the smell there is the same as it was at your elementary school. I’m guessing this is no conicidents.

6. Indoor recess. Oh, sure. You’re going to succesfully cop a feel from that sexy, brainy chick from the third row during indoor recess. There is nothing quite like the smell of 30 or so wet kids trapped inside a classroom that already reeks of chalk dust and construction paper.

7. Gigantic classroom clocks that stretch spacetime. Seriously, those bastards seemed to run backwards some days. Einstein clearly should have created a third theory of relativity to explain the excrutiating pace of classroom time.

8. Valentine’s Day. Remember how you always made a super huge card for the first girl to develop breasts? But gave one of those cheesy, store bought junks to Valerie, the chick who smelled like mustard and who always answered the teacher’s questions and made you look like a tard? But then, when it was go time, you found that the breasts girl gave you one of the store bought junk cards, and so you understood that pain and started to realize how horribly you’d treated mustard reeking Valerie? Hated that.

9. Fitness tests. These things were always interrupting perfectly good gym class activities like dodge ball, floor hockey and kickball. Quick, boy! Climb that rope so we can prove to other countries how physically fit we Americans are? I wanted to smash that guy in the face with one of those red rubber balls.

10. Cursive. Why do we need it? My cursive still sucks, because Becky, the first girl to develop breasts, was always stretching when we were learning how to write it. If anyone has seen my signature, you will note that the two M’s at the end of my name appear as breasts. You can thank Becky for that.


A. Girls. There was simply no better place to be than school if you were a young man with blossoming curiosities.

B. Putting your head down on your desk as punishment. Golly, what a mean thing to do to a kid. I used to love putting my head down. I’d alternate between sneaking glances at Becky and dozing.

C. Four square. Great game. You could totally favor the girl you had a crush on and smash the ball into the square of guys you didn’t like.

D. Fire drills. Ah, sweet glimpse at freedom. Kind of a tease, though.

E. Hot teachers. I think I had maybe two in my whole school career. Still, the early construction of fantasies made that year very special.

F. Halloween. Strangely, I enjoyed Halloween around the Night of all Nights of the Year. Perhaps it’s because schools are inherently creepy.

G. Spelling Bees. For one reeson or anuther, I was a great spellur. And oddly enuf, this inpressed the gurlz.

H. Bike racks. Man, was anything cooler than riding your bike to school and then locking it up with one of those cheesy chain locks that would open up in a stiff breeze?

I. Snow days. Man! A reason to wish for snow. I haven’t experienced that since.

J. The last day of school. There is absolutely no joy that can equal that of the day of liberation, and just as the weather is turning nice. Cleaning out the desks, turning in books, putting chairs upside down on desks for the last time. Remember that final bell in early June that marked your freedom? It was a precursor to the euphoria you later sought in sex and substance abuse. Sweet. Very sweet.



  1. Linda said,

    I haven’t been able to concentrate on any reasons past #1. You are SO RIGHT — I remember sitting at the table with breakfast and the newspaper, actively in pain trying to hold my head and my eyelids up, not able to visualize getting from there to out the door and into my day.

    Wait, that was ten minutes ago … shit, it’s one of the constants of my life, I hate to get up early. Why do I do this??

  2. brenda said,

    I love getting up with a cup of coffee, watch the sunrise, and I especially love sending my son to school! Yaaay!!!!! I need to make sure you guys don’t talk him out of liking school!
    However, when I worked in a school in CA, I saw teachers do to kids stuff I wouldn’t put up with, I’d leave & refuse to return, if I were the student.
    Report it? It was in accordance with the administration’s training- they use the “Fred Jones Techniques of Classroom Management” — and according to that training- I was told that they WANT teachers & aids to get in the student’s personal space, and to lean over & let them smell the bad coffee breath. etc. It was about Control, not Respect. Yeah, that’ll make them do better in school….
    (I think that if we have mutual respect we wouldn’t need to be so concerned with controlling people….. except the insane, I suppose)

  3. K2 said,

    Things I hate most: shitty teachers, overzealous assistant principals (Mine was Mr. Stoner — no shit, and man was he a fat bastard), and fashion/socioeconomic cliques. Why did I wear Alligator shirts with the color up? Duh.

    Things I loved: good teachers (very few of them, unfortunately), girls and their perky and firm bumps, ski club, and gym class — minus the calesthenics and fitness test crap.

    For the most part, I hated junior high, and especially hated high school. Best time I had was in college, although I would never in a million years pledge a fraternity again. (Back then I needed to ‘belong’ — how gay.) Actually had too much fun, thus bye-bye med school. Selah.

  4. Mainetarr said,

    I loved high school. I was all misty at graduation, not because I was graduating, but because I wasn’t going back to school. I had a fuggin blast in school. I figured out freshman year that the best way to meet people was to be on the school newspaper and interview everyone. So sophomore year, I joined and interview all the “star” senior football players (oh la la), interviewed anyone who drove a hot rod car and so on. I met everyone. People were coming to me to be interviewed. Me no stupid. I had one teacher I’ll never forget, either. He was great, I think he was a stoner in his off time, but he always treated me like I was a genius (which I am FAR from) and made me love his (what would have been b-o-r-i-n-g) history and sociology classes. Because of him, I enjoy history today. Good man, he was.

  5. Bobbie said,

    I had a few memorable teachers while I was in school-Mr. Hannaford, who actually made Latin fun (I still remember him running around the room yelling what the Latin word for run was and then taking a header into a filing cabinet. Without missing a beat, he gets up, checks the rapidly growing goose egg on his forehead and then proceeds to tell us the Latin word for fall. To this day, I can remember neither of them.)

    A ninth grade teacher (at the time) who went thru an entire class with his fly unzipped. He disliked the subject matter as much as we did, but he made his classes interesting. To this day, he still gets embarassed should you mention that incident.

    Three English teachers-one because she flirted all the time with the boys in the class and the other two for what they taught me.

    I can thank a History teacher because I enjoy history to this day. I still remember some of the antics that went on in various classes simply because of the type of person the teacher was. Steamboat Willy, the precursor of Mickey Mouse.

    Mr. Plummer (the principal from 5th grade) from middle school, simply because he felt that it was only fair that since my grandmother’s fudge had raised so much money for the class trip to Boston that I be allowed to go even tho we had moved by that time.

    Can’t forget Mr. Beckett, either. No matter how many years between the visits, he still remembers me. I still haven’t figured out whether that’s good or bad!

  6. Bobbie said,

    I have no choice about being a morning person-I’m the family alarm clock, whether I want to be or not.

  7. Mainetarr said,

    Hey Bobbie, I had Mr. Hannaford too, and was a shining memeber of his Polar Bear Club, remember that?

  8. Daniel said,

    I used to hate school, when it was chore and a job and something to get through. All of elementary and middle school was like that, along with my Freshman year of high school.

    Then I discovered something: It didn’t matter. I was smarter than most of my teachers, and didn’t have to pay attention in class. I started sleeping in class, and still got straight A’s. I started not handing in assignments, and only taking tests, and I still maintained a B average.

    Then I started doing goofy stuff. Like showing up with a tin foil helment to stop the government from reading my thoughts.

    My teachers all hated me.

    Being in college now? I love it, all I do is take writing and philosophy courses, the two things I love best.

  9. LaFlamme said,

    Ha! Izods! I never wore one. Had an izod shirt once and tore the alligator off. Hey, it was a worthy compromise. The shirt itself was keen.

  10. Bobbie said,

    Yes, I remember Mr. Hannaford’s Polar Bear Club.

  11. K2 said,

    Actually, there was an Izod factory store in Binghamton that we used to go to. Yep, rejects. At the time I thought my mom was a cheapskate, but now I realize it was smart shopping — minus the Alligator logo. Might as well had ‘I suck cock’ embroidered on my shirt.

    At least I didn’t mention my Ralph Lauren stage. Oof. WHAT was I thinking?!?

    Next winter, if you see me in my kick-ass weed-green North Face jacket — it’s a reject from the factory store in Freeport. Me learn lesson long time.

  12. Linda said,

    The shirt was — keen, Mark? 🙂

  13. K2 said,

    Keen, queen, queer — it’s all gay.

  14. LaFlamme said,

    Spiffy? Swell? Groovy?

  15. AO said,

    I’ve heard those Izod alligator’s bite. You were smart to rip it off, Mark.

  16. K2 said,

    I like the term ‘alligator arms.’ Two meanings: 1) a receiver over the middle not extending for a catch ’cause he’s gonna get nailed; and 2) the act of not reaching for the check when eating out in a group.

    I think Izod is a croc, anyway.

  17. jarheaddoc said,

    I was either an in between or a dork, depending upon the view of the person standing across from me. I never fit in then and I don’t always fit in now. I didn’t understand then, but I don’t care now. fuck ’em if they can’t accept me for what I am. I can be in your face and drive you nuts or I can be sweet as pie. I can even like you even if I disagree with you about everything.

    The only teacher from high school I really recall is an English teacher. She read a lot of what I wrote. I purposely took the exact opposite tact of what she wanted on a final exam and I had to hand write it. I think I got an A on it simply because my handwriting is shit.

    I pissed my college English professor off by calling her on her attitude in class, in front of everyone, but it worked, and she lightened up afterwards. Still got an A in it.

    And why is it that I can recall way more physics now than I could when I was suffering through the goddam class? Real world examples, I guess.

    High school was just a very long stop until I could run off and join the military. I hated it. And I still don’t like to get up any earlier than I have to.

  18. jarheaddoc said,

    Alligator, crocodile, there’s very little difference if one of them is chomping your ass.

  19. Gil said,

    Totally unrelated
    Blog update (finally)

  20. LaFlamme said,

    Anyone else drop out of high school in there senior year? Show of hands.

  21. Mainetarr said,

    Remember going shopping for jeans and belts at Barefoot Trader? If you didn’t have one of those stupid canvas belts, you were a loser. We lived in Poland and my mom didn’t drive, so her and my neighbor would get a Sears catalogue in June/July and order all of our clothes out of it. That sucked. I didn’t even really get to pick out my own clothes, which explains all of my gay school pictures. Whatever. I was just happy to have new clothes back then and didn’t realize what a tard I was because most of the kids were in garanamials much like myself. At least on my block anyways. Ha! I remember the worst was when my mom ordered me polyester pants and elastic waisted pants. That sucked so bad, but when I found out my buddy down the road, Karen, had met the same fate, it wasn’t so bad. The worst part of school for me was the bus ride. It took forever. We had a million kids on our bus, for two years we had the coolest bus driver in the world, then his route got switched and a great big asshole took over. He was a big hairy bastard we called Sasquatch, and he smelled like sour milk. He used to smoke cigarettes and cough so bad we went off the road once. That was, no doubt, the worst part of elementary school.

  22. Gil said,

    My school days went along the lines of Daniel’s. Worked my ass off thru elmentary and junior high, figured out about halfway through 10th grade that I too could pass without any real effort. The rest is a bluish-gray smoky haze, intermingled with a few psychedlic days, and a few alcoholic stupors. Still managed to not only graduate with a decent grade average, i actually BS’ed my way on to the student council. A stoner friend (Dan, ironic kind of) and I decided to try and see if we could infiltrate the Student Council and bring it down from within. We made it in, and then realized that they actually had a lot of meetings and work, and then we lost interest.
    Sorry Mark. I grew up in sunny Florida, no snow days that I can recall. I do remember being sent home when the A/C failed so that we wouldn’t roast.

  23. Daniel said,

    Junior year, half-way through. Moved to Texas the next Fall to start college.

    Most of my old classmates still think I dropped out to do heroin, like my best friend told them I did.

  24. Linda said,

    I lived about a mile away from school but in the fourth grade — a dream come true — we moved across the street from my school. No more stopping to play marbles on the way, so I hardly ever got to school late and dirty after that. School was infinitely better for me after that: the nuns hated late and they especially hated dirty.

  25. Mainetarr said,

    Was this the time period in which you “lost your marbles” Linda? Just kidding. I believe I lost my marbles in the seventh grade.

  26. jarheaddoc said,

    Gotta have ’em to lose ’em, MT

  27. Linda said,

    Yeah, back in the day I had a whole sack of marbles. Gone, long gone. And hardly missed, if it comes right down to it. But I did love grubbing around in the mud and winning all those special cat’s eyes and aggies, I was a marble prodigy.

  28. jarheaddoc said,

    I never understood the game, to be honest with you, though I always liked the shapes inside. I think that ‘how things work’ gives a very good explanation of how those things are made.

  29. LaFlamme said,

    Back in my neighborhood, we played marbles with crack rocks.

  30. jarheaddoc said,

    Riding my bicycle to school was always fun for me. I could race like hell and get there before the bus and always thought that was the coolest thing in the world. I could also pick up enough returnable bottles along the way to buy a half-liter bottle of Coke and chug it down before school.

  31. jarheaddoc said,

    Were they even called crack rocks back then, mark?

  32. Mainetarr said,

    I am 39 and still have never seen a crack rock. (thank God)

  33. Mainetarr said,

    Marbles, poppers-the big marbles. I had all kinds of those, but I can’t, for the life of me, remember how to play marbles. How do you play? Someone, refresh my memory!! I wonder how many kids stuck marbels up their noses or in their ears.

  34. LaFlamme said,

    Haven’t seen a crack rock! Then what was that shit you were smoking when I dropped you off at rehab, MT?

  35. LaFlamme said,

    There was no crack back in my day. You’re right, Jarhead. The CIA didn’t do it’s thing until the mid-80’s, after I’d already decided that liquor was quicker.

  36. Linda said,

    Same principle as curling, or maybe croquet. only you get to kneel in the mud. Scrape a hole out with one heel (there’s another nice mess) and draw a circle around it. Get back and use a crooked finger to (a) bean the other guy’s shooter out of the bulls eye — you get to keep the marble — and (b) get your own in the pot for points.

    That was marbles in Rumford, anyhow, way back then.

  37. Mainetarr said,

    Salmon, I was smoking salmon. Yeah, that’s it. And you must be confused. I was VISITING you at rehab, not getting dropped off you stoner.

  38. LaFlamme said,

    Ah, shit. That’s right. Thanks for the Jolly Ranchers, by the way.

  39. Mainetarr said,

    A guy I used to work with went through a nasty divorce and ended up on the psych unit at St. Mary’s. Being a concerned friend, I brought him his favorite treat, a can of cashews. He said, “WTF, nuts for the nut?” I laughed so hard I cried, but so did he. I never even thought about that before bringing them in. And if I remember correctly, I brought you in bologna, because your so full of it.

  40. LaFlamme said,

    If I ever end up at St. Mary’s, all I’ll want is some rope.

  41. Nadine said,

    Lewiston High School
    marches on today

    our flags and colors
    streaming all the way

    we all love you
    more then we can say

    so give a cheer
    for a school so dear
    as L.H.S.

    Weird, I can’t believe I remember that…I DETESTED high school — was the strange, loner, goth-girl. Didn’t come outta my shell ’til college. I love to learn though. I still take a class here and there when I can.

  42. LaFlamme said,

    Party hearty
    rock and roll
    drink Bacardi
    smoke a bowl
    something something
    something alive
    Cus we’re the class of ’85

  43. Mainetarr said,

    Hee hee, I was the class of 85 and remember that one as well as you do. It’s come alive, but I can’t remember the something something line either.

  44. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. Those neurons are long gone.

  45. LaFlamme said,

    What was your class song? We were the purple panthers so naturally, it was “Purple Rain.” *cough* Gay!

  46. Linda said,

    Those were simpler times, right?

  47. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. No computers.

  48. "The Weasel" said,

    I hate “Mutant Beast” stories at school. Cut the crap Laflamme.

    Hi MT 😉

  49. Chris-to-the-tine said,

    Hey Nadine…were you around for this version of the LHS song?

    Beer! Beer! for Lewiston High
    You bring the Whiskey, I’ll bring the Rye

    Send the freshman (something or the other I can’t remember)
    Don’t let the sophomores (another something I can’t remember)

    Juniors never stumble, seniors never fall,
    We sober up on good alcohol

    When we yell, we yell like hell (lots of yelling at this point)
    For the glory of Lewiston High School.

    Yep…we used to sing that on marching band trips. Because I ran with the cool crowd like that.

  50. Chris-to-the-tine said,

    Send the freshman out for some gin. That’s what it was

  51. LaFlamme said,

    Chris-to-the-tine just gave us all liver damage with that song. Thanks alot, man.

  52. Mainetarr said,

    Hi Weasel! 🙂

  53. brenda said,

    response to #20: yes, me. for my 18th birthday, I took the HS equivalency test & scored over the 95% on most sections, the counsellor wanted me to apply to Univ of Maine, but I was in a hurry to get an apt of my own, work, and have sex- I was 18 and wanted to be an adult. [I worked at Dunkin Donuts, then Healthtex (sewing factory) that year and later when I was 19 to 21 various factory jobs, including Bass Shoes.]
    But I didn’t pay the $10 for the test certificate for some reason I can’t fathom now- so the results were destroyed & I took the GED to get into the Army a few years later.
    amazing that a person can test so well but be so bad at life decisions….. it’s hormones, that’s what it is.

  54. brenda said,

    ps: yes, I did get my own apt and had lots of sex, much better than school.

  55. Jennifer Froom said,

    Google is the best search engine

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