Over my dead body

September 1, 2006 at 3:16 am (Uncategorized)


There is much concern about the mental well-being of the school children who found a human corpse in the woods behind their school. And rightfully so. Few things will force a child to confront the mother of all fears like an honest-to-God dead man rotting in the grass. They will have nightmares, no doubt. There may be some delayed psychological effects, akin to post traumatic stress. With any luck, some of the children will parlay their find into fame and popularity on the playground. If I remember the dynamics of the schoolyard hierarchy, something like finding a dead man and surviving the ordeal will earn a kid a great deal of respect. And rightfully so.

There’s a story about a young Stephen King and friends finding a body next to the railroad tracks. It is said that the ordeal shook King greatly, and may have stimulated his imagination into the beautiful machine that today makes him zillions of dollars. Of course, there is a fair chance that the story has been created or exaggerated just because it is nice and neat and people like explanations for why their celebrities are the way they are. Or maybe I’m just jealous.

Me, I have no such story. I never found the corpse of a stranger though I did spend more than a fair share looking for them. Whenever there was a report of a hanging man, an accident victim or the dead woman in the mangled car (neighborhood legend was that the car was at the dump and that they couldn’t remove her body because she had hit the dashboard so hard, she had sort of melted into it) my friends and I were off like flies. Yet, the only guy I knew growing up that stumbled upon a body was one who was out in the woods with his BB gun firing at what he thought was a scarecrow. It wasn’t. It was a dripping dead man. And as it is written in the schoolyard handbook, the boy got a weeks worth of solid fame for his experience. Not sure if he got any poontang out of it, but that’s a subject for a different day.

I suspect the tykes who found the dead man on Thursday will be okay by this time next week. A little unsettled, yes. A smidge horrified, of course. But there are surely places in the world where it is not so uncommon to stumble upon a body here and there. Wore torn countries, impoverished villages where disease is rampant, Wilton, etc. Where the mortality rate is high, the presence of a cadaver probably does not garner much attention.

But I digress. I open the floor for anyone with a good corpse story. Since many of us have not had this experience, stories involving nakedness, lewdness or outright debacuhery are also acceptible. We’ll just assume there was a dead guy off in the background somewhere



  1. darkamber said,

    I’ve never had any such experiences, but when I was in public school, one of the boys in my class was down at the railroad tracks with his cousin/best friend and another friend. He watched his cousin get eliminated by a train. I don’t think he took it too well.

  2. Mainetarr said,

    Here’s a story for you that Jarheaddoc and Mike in circulation can back up for me. When I was at Poland school, I forget which grade, we were all out at recess when we saw a plane flying low making funny noises. I remember playing dodgeball and looking up in the sky and watching the right wing of the plane fall off, in fire, above the school. Lots of papers started coming out of the plane, then we saw a couple of people (we could hear them yelling and screaming) jump out of the plane, without parachutes, again, on fire. The plane crashed in West Poland, left a huge crater in the ground. Everyone on board was killed in the crash and for years people would claim to find body parts. I never went into Tripp Lake again because someone said they found a glove floating in the lake with a hand in it. Looking back, that was probably a bullshit story, but I didn’t take any chances. I remember the teachers rounding us all up and sending us back in (we could hear the sirens leaving the fire dept and rescue sirens). No counseling, no talking to the teachers about what we had seen, just back to schoolwork. Bastards. That really screwed me up, made me afraid of planes for many many years.

  3. Bobbie said,

    You’re talking about the Navy plane that crashed. I remember hearing that they found some guy’s head up in a tree, still attached to his helmet.

  4. hello to K2 ;~) said,

    60’s Hits Revisited

    It was fun being a Baby Boomer…until now. Some of the artists of the ’60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate the Baby Boomers:

    1. Herman’s Hermits—Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker.

    2. The Bee Gees—How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

    3. Bobby Darin—Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash.

    4. Ringo Starr—I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

    5. Roberta Flack—The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

    6. Johnny Nash—I Can’t See Clearly Now.

    7. Paul Simon—Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

    8. The Commodores—Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

    9. Marvin Gaye—Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

    10. Procol Harem—A Whiter Shade of Hair.

    11. Leo Sayer—You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

    12. The Temptations—Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone.

    13. Abba—Denture Queen.

    14. Tony Orlando—Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

    15. Helen Reddy—I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

    16. Willie Nelson—On the Commode Again

    17. Leslie Gore—It’s My Procedure and I’ll Cry If I Want To.

  5. K2 said,

    Hey, Gordon Lightfoot wrote ‘The first time ever I saw your face.’ Gordon may be cheesy, but, man, he’s got some great fucking tunes. ‘Early Morning Rain’ is one of my all time faves.

    I had two ex-friends come upon their loser friend’s dead girlfriend in his house when they were watching it for him while he was away. She died from an embolist when she shot up crushed percocets or something. (She was a ‘recovering’ heroine addict.) Needless to say, they didn’t want to get involved, so they left her there to rot for a week — in the heat of sumer — while the scumbag boyfriend toured the country. They did call him and told him, and he said ‘Leave her there. I’ll deal with it when I get back.’

    Pretty nice guys, huh? That’s why they’re ex-friends. Just incorrigible.

  6. K2 said,

    Oh, and hello to ‘hello to K2 ;~)’, whomever you are.

  7. Linda said,

    OK mate, sounds like you think you know Wilton. Didn’t you try to find it once and got lost? Isn’t that how the story went?

    We may be a Haunted Palace over here but we do know how to have fun. We have just about our fair share of cadavers in the woods, beast maulings, and so on — no more, no less. Lots of good secret places and spooky night sounds. It may be duller than ditchwater, but there are worse things.

  8. brenda said,

    iN CA I used to go around the playground & pick up beer bottles, thinking someone shuld do this before the kids come play in the playground, in Maine you have to check around for bodies! Or weapons & ammo!

    really though, in CA there was a boy shot to death in the basketball court, for no reason. Here in Maine. I see kids all colors playing basketball, no problem of getting shot for wearing red or blue in the wrong street, it’s better here.
    digressing to another basketball observation: the Somalian boys seem to play Tackle- Basketball! Nobody minds aggressive fouls at all! But that’s great, because there’s no guns or knifes, they just are playing.
    I once saw a teenage boy lean protectively over a toddler who had wandered onto the court just as the ball was coming in that direction-so he wouldn’t get trampled. wow, I wish I had a video camera, it was awesome to see. A small act of heroism meant so much to me.

    oh shit, my avg reports a virus, gonna restart. Bye!

  9. jarheaddoc said,

    Ah yes, the P-3 Orion that came apart in midair. there is an entire website devoted to just the planes that have gone down. I remember talking with the navy investigators, who had this cheesy little paper airplane that they showed me. I never realized it at the time, but there was a crease where they had folded the model so many times, evidently from people telling them the wing had folded. I said no, it just came off. The guy asked, ‘came off?’ I answered, “yeah, like this,” and tore the wing off.

    Now, here’s my dead body story. A dog not too far up the road from where I grew up found a skull in the woods and brought it home to chew on. The owner found the dog chewing on it and called the cops.

    I had been about two feet from the body a day before that but didn’t know it. See, I had two reasons for being in the area: it was a good place to collect returnable bottles and I had a Penthouse stashed under a rock up there. I went back up there about two weeks afterwards and my Penthouse was gone. Fuckers took it when they combed the area.

  10. jarheaddoc said,

    A fellow Navy corpsmen walked into a room and found one of his patients dead and panicked. He didn’t know what to do, so he went and got the guy’s food tray and propped the recently departed up so that it looked like the guy had died while eating lunch. The food wasn’t that bad, really. I think he got busted at least one pay grade for it, but it’s funny as hell to think back about it

  11. K2 said,

    I bet that Penthouse with chock-full of crusted DNA evidence.

  12. K2 said,

    ‘with’? Me mean ‘was’

  13. K2 said,

    Me in hurry. Me silly.

  14. jarheaddoc said,

    I can truthfully state that I did not leave any evidence behind on the magazine, K2. The ground, however….

  15. brenda said,

    they probably assumed the dead guy, or someone responsible for his death, had brought the penthouse & it was some sex crime!

  16. Mainetarr said,

    You’re gross, you know that Ray? Just plain gross.

  17. brenda said,

    who is Ray? Jarheaddoc’s real name? or K2?

  18. Mainetarr said,


  19. jarheaddoc said,

    And you are just plain jealous, Gail.

  20. jarheaddoc said,

    Brenda, just how in the hell is post #8 relevant to today’s subject?

  21. Mainetarr said,

    I’m jealouse that I can’t whack off in the woods to a Penthouse magazine? Put down the crack pipe, drama queen. You’re insane.

  22. jarheaddoc said,


  23. Linda said,

    Certainly this conversation will make me think twice before I touch anything in the woods. Until now I thought poison ivy was the worst possibility. Hazmat suit anyone?

  24. Mainetarr said,

    Hey, check your e-mail, Melissa in my office had a question for you about Scott that you work with so I had her e-mail you with it.

  25. Linda said,

    MT, if #24 is for me, I can’t check hotmail from here (firewall — hospital network you know), and I don’t have your email address at hand to send you my work address. Mark has my work address, and I think AO.

    If #24’s not for me — never mind!

  26. D from work said,

    I’m wondering if the school children who found the body are going to be worse than the kid who got tricked into watching that scary video that p.o.’d lots of people. ??

  27. LaFlamme said,

    Gordon Lightfoot cheesy? I love the man. “Sundown, you better take care, if I find you’ve been creeping round on my back stair. Sometimes, I think it’s a sin, when I get feeling…”
    That is all.

  28. LaFlamme said,

    The only time I’ve had to go to Wilton was for the murder of an old-timer, who was beaten to death by a couple hard boozers from next door.

  29. Mainetarr said,

    No, that was for JD, Linda.

    That scary video was freaking funny, I don’t give a crap what anyone says. There will be no scarring from it, I am sure his peers will play much worse tricks on him as he goes through life. Lighten up already.

  30. LaFlamme said,

    My gawd. Is D still belly aching about that kid who watched the scary video? I heard that boy is now an honor roll student and dating half the cheerleading squad. D needs an enema full of get over it.

  31. brenda said,

    I agree with D- it’s sadistic & more emotional harming, but I figure if he’s got sadistic parents he might as well know it, no sense trusting them.

    answer to jd:
    I wrote #8 because my thought, when I heard about the body found by the school playgrounds, was that someone ought to LOOK around where kids are playing before they set the kids there. I used to do that when my kids were in school , and I’d find lots of beer bottles on the playground, then I went digressing about the comparisons/ differences of raising kids in CA & Maine…..
    so what?

  32. Linda said,

    Who is D? Anyone we know?

  33. LaFlamme said,

    Nope. We haven’t heard from D since he or she first started whimpering about the cruelty of that video. Were you around for that, Linda?

  34. AO said,

    Dead bodies? Nah. Dead squirrels? Yes!

  35. Linda said,

    I don’t think so. It probably feels like a lifetime,but I’ve only been here since you moved to wordpress.

  36. LaFlamme said,

    I wish I still had the link to that video. Anyone have it?

  37. AO said,

    I’m the one who sent it to you but, I can’t remember where I found it. Sorry.

  38. LaFlamme said,

    So, YOU started that whole thing, and got me in trouble with child welfare.

  39. jarheaddoc said,

    So sometimes I wonder if you’re still putting weird and illegal substances into your body, that’s what, Brenda. Maybe you coulda explained yourself a little better instead of using that vague crap

  40. jarheaddoc said,

    Ya know, Linda, considering the amount of time you claim (sic?) to have spent down under and all the weird creatures in that ecosystem, the Maine woods oughta be pretty safe. Just be careful of any tree houses you may run into, they could be populated with urban outdoorsmen.

  41. Bobbie said,

    When I was working at a convienence store, they found a dead body beside the store. One of the local drunks fell in the middle of the night and cracked his head on a rock. No one else in the store would wait on him unless they really had to because he smelled gross, so I usually ended up waiting on him. After talking with him a few times, I found out that he was a really nice guy and life had just dealt him a crappy hand to work with.

    A side note to this is that a day or so before, two of the girls that I worked with at the time were saying that they wished that the guy wouldn’t come in anymore because of his lack of hygiene. I told them that they needed to be careful what they wished for because they might just get it. They didn’t understand the comment at the time, so I explained it to them the day that they found the body-they were wishing that the guy wouldn’t come in any more and now that he was dead, he wouldn’t be coming in ever again. That changed their attitude very quickly.

  42. Linda said,

    jd, what do you mean by “claim”? are you doubting me?

    And while there are strange creatures in Australia, I lived in New Zealand where there are not. Except strange bugs.

    And I’m not scared of the woods, or of outdoorsmen.

  43. Oopsy said,

    I used to own a small hotel/rooming house in PA. We had a couple of monthly borders. One was a sweet old man who played the violin occasionally. A time came and my husband and I realized we hadnt seen him for three days. AND, we hadnt been up on the top floor of the building for three days. You guessed it – hubby went up and opened the room and there was three-day dead old violinist. Warm room, no AC. YUCK.

    I REALLY pittied the policewoman who had to come, and then I REALLY REALLY pitied the funeral home guys who somehow had to get that body into a body bag – it was dripping, so I hear. Took a week of disinfecting to get the smell out of the room (and I didnt do that, either). I was a chicken about the whole thing.

  44. Anonymous said,

    your not scared of anyone cause you intimidate everyone linda,remember

  45. AO said,

    This is a link to the video Mark was talking about earlier.

  46. Linda said,

    Clearly not.

  47. Blumpkin said,

    ah crap……Brenda is at it again

  48. LaFlamme said,


  49. Linda said,

    AO, I must be a terribly unsympathetic person or maybe it’s just the Sudafed talking, but I thought that video was a riot.

  50. LaFlamme said,

    A dead violinist? There’s gotta be a joke there.

  51. LaFlamme said,

    The video IS a riot. I gotta watch it again.

  52. LaFlamme said,

    Ahhhhhh, man. I was cracking up even before the evil woman appeared on the kid’s computer screen. Sheer hilarity!

  53. AO said,

    Well, I know it isn’t keeping with the blog “topic” but, if anybody has a problem with it they can blame Mark. He asked me to post it. And…it is a friggen riot!

  54. Linda said,

    So, what are we going to play tonight? jd, are you fielding either of your selves tonight, or scratching? Everyone away for the weekend already?

  55. LaFlamme said,

    Spin the bottle? Naked Twister? Foreplay? Or just the usual quarters?

  56. Linda said,

    Losing your marbles?

  57. LaFlamme said,

    I’ve never played that. How does it go?

  58. LaFlamme said,

    It takes a very steady hand… don’t touch the sides… there goes his funny bone.

  59. LaFlamme said,

    Connect Four!
    Where, I don’t see…
    Here. Diagonally.
    Pretty sneaky, sis.
    You wanna go smoke some dope and watch porn?
    Do I!

  60. Linda said,

    Just joking. I gave an extremely boring marbles lesson the other night, but in my defense, somebody asked me how to play marbles. I won’t subject anyone to it again, not even if you ask. Not even if you beg in fact.

  61. LaFlamme said,

    Light bright, making things with light
    Outta sight, making things with light bright!
    Everybody now!

  62. LaFlamme said,

    No boot fing. Are we playing for keepsies?

  63. Linda said,

    I got a first-person report today from someone who was on that plane that had the tires catch fire in Miami (I think it was Miami). She was going on a vacation to someplace — Capri maybe? I forget that too, I am a little overmedicated tonight — anyhow she was going to visit her boyfriend who had been in some island resort for a while, and the flight was diverted, then the tires caught fire, and when she finally got where she was going, her boyfriend had a new girlfriend. Hows that for an ill-fated vacation?

  64. Linda said,

    Keepsies, definitely.

  65. LaFlamme said,

    Dayum, man. Sounds like she picked herself a winner.

  66. Linda said,

    She was surprisingly over it. Came straight home. I’d have stayed — both to enjoy the island and to create some misery for the creep and creepette.

  67. LaFlamme said,

    Sonsabitches. Make them play and eye-hand coordination video game and have an evil, screaming ghoul pop out at them, I say.

  68. Linda said,

    I was thinking of something more … well, verbal … but sure, a shocking ghoul might work. And THEN the verbal slice and dice.

  69. Amber said,

    I know. Sick this Jarheadoc on them. He sounds like the worst kind or torcher. By the way Mark, I love your articles! I’ll try to stop in again.

  70. LaFlamme said,

    What’s this? A newcomer?

  71. Linda said,

    Must be a “lurker” since she seems to know you and jarheaddoc.

  72. LaFlamme said,

    A stalker! It’s about damn time.

  73. Dave said,

    yeah – i’m here, and off-topic… as usual.

    Just wanted to mourn the closing of Ponbriands Hardare in New Auburn.

    You could walk in, talk to a human almost immediately, and get advice/product suggestions necessary to complete your task.

    They were great.

    Now we’re stuck with the morons at Home Depot and Lowe’s.

    I’m pissed. We need a TIF to help out folks like Pontrbriands, not Lowes and/or Home Depot.

  74. Gil said,

    Lowes, Home Depot, Walmart, etc, are this generation’s Sears, Monkey Wards, JC Penney. And Pontbriands I’m sure ran some smaller competition out when they opened. It’s the nature of the beast.
    On topic, I’ve seen a fair share of dead bodies, none of which went quietly in their sleep. The one that effected me most was my friend Cricket. Age 15, playing with a revolver he had stolen. Apparently Cricket didn’t know which way the chamber cycled when the gun was cocked. Surprisingly, I was more devestated seeing him lying in a casket than I was seeing him after it happened.

  75. LaFlamme said,

    Wow, man. That’s ugly. I had a friend who went that way, but her’s was intentional, and I didn’t see her until the mortician did his thing.

  76. Amber said,

    Wow, man…GAG!

  77. misfitgirl said,

    Mark– Not to be a complete idiot, but do you have a link to the news story? Did it take place in Maine?

    [waking up from the long and busy weekend and finding herself VERY behind]

  78. LaFlamme said,

    Which story, Misfit? The school kids find body piece? Try a Google news search for westbrook body school. That oughta turn it up.

  79. misfitgirl said,

    That would be the one. You will notice the Portland Press Herald doesn’t actually carry any local news, so of course I didn’t hear about it from them. ūüėõ

  80. LaFlamme said,

    I’ve heard that, actually. Here’s an abridged version, anyway.

  81. D from work said,

    That was actually a different D at work who was bellyaching about the video. I thought it was hilarious. I merely brought up that video because here we go again wondering about the mental well being of some kids.

  82. LaFlamme said,

    What? There are two D’s from work? Very distressing.

  83. Janice said,

    That was my brother that was found dead in the woods at Saccarappa Elementary School in Westbrook on August 30th by some 2nd grade students. Our family has yet to recover from the tragedy. I stumbled upon this website looking for information about the case. Please remember these “dead” people had families that cared about them.

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