Scandal sheet

September 15, 2006 at 1:39 am (Uncategorized)


I’ve been listening, people. You pretend to be interested in the high brow stuff, but you’re secretly monitoring the Entertainment Tonight news updates. And hey! What interests you interests me. So I did a little research and figured out what you’re all talking about. Because I’m a journalist, dammit!

North Colorado Punter goes Kerrigan
tonya.jpgFor the victim, the worst pain will not derive from the deep, jagged knife wound in his leg. The real agony has got to come from being compared, over and over in every television and print news account of the crime, to Nancy Harding. He will recover from the physical injury. He will never recover from classmates and potential dates referring to him as Miss Harding and asking him if he wants to rassle.
Anna Nicole’s son goes toes up
Ah, sweet irony. In the midst of life, we are in death. Or something. I keep thinking about Anna N’s boobs. They’re massive! I don’t know much about the Playboy centerfold turned trophy wife turned millionaire heiress turned reality television host turned mother to a dead kid. But she seems pretty real and I always like real. And holy shit, those boobs are something to behold. Do you suppose they have their own gravity?
Britney Spears spits out another kid
Bitch. She never returned my letters. And look at her now. Another pop icon turned into a baby Pez dispenser. Not bad for a virgin.
Somebody divorced somebody
I forget who. But I sort of knew it was coming. He was doing that thing with that other chick and the tabloids were all over it. She was becoming increasingly high maintenance and you could see a tantrum forever waiting in her eyes. And then there was that problem over the thing. Who am I talking about? Every HollyWeird couple who has ever divorced.
Place your celebrity gossip here.


  1. Mainetarr said,

    Hollywood Gossip
    Eddie Murphy engaged to “Scary Spice” from the spice girls.
    Jude Law and Sienna Miller on again.
    Whitney and Bobby-done. Whitney starts recording new material.
    Jennifer Anniston voted best dressed celeb.
    Jessica Simpson NOT seeing John Mayer.
    There really IS a Tomcat Suri. AND-she’s cute!
    Christy Brinkley files for divorce from Asshat Husband
    Anna Nicole so inconsolable she was given drugs to calm her and now she can’t remember sons death circumstances. Weird-very weird.
    George Clooney goes before UN, scolding them for failing to respond to genocide in Sudan.

    Sports Gossip
    Reggie Bush in danger of losing Heisman trophy–investigation alleges his family took more than $100,000 in gifts while at USC from would be agents. NCAA looking into it.

    Health Related Gossip
    Stop eating bagged fresh spinach, one dies, 60 ill from e-coli in the bags.
    Woman gives birth to 14lb 12oz baby.
    Bionic Arm now a reality.

    Anything I miss???

  2. Linda said,

    Suri Cruise. i was interested in that whole story until they had her photographed by Annie Leibowitz and ran a 22 page spread in Vanity Fair. Poor kid.

    Didn’t the No Colorado punter do a “Harding” and the victim compared to Nancy Kerrigan? or do I need that first schooner of coffee to understand it?

  3. Linda said,

    Looks like it’s just me and Mainetarr who care about the wacky world of Hollywood. And since I’m currently on Planet Flatland, it might be a quiet day! Unless you decide on more discussion of Anna Nicole’s extravagant endowments, or something else on that line. Which you probably will.

  4. brenda said,

    Anna Nicole so inconsolable she was given drugs to calm her and now she can’t remember sons death circumstances. Weird-very weird.

    The other person in the room was her lawyer, Howard K. Stern.
    We’ll never know the truth.

  5. Mainetarr said,

    Yup, he did. Stabbed him right in the leg. Asshat.

    I have to admit it, I bought the Vanity Fair and checked out the photos. They are beautiful and the baby is gorgeous, too. Annie Leibowitz is a bit of a douchebag, but the photos were great. The only thing that really pissed me off was on one page they showed a photo of Tom, Katie, Suri and Tom’s other two adopted kids, Connor and Isabella, then on the next page is a shot of Tom and Suri and the caption in the corner showed Tom saying “I always wanted to be a father”. I thought that was kinda shitty. I mean, hello, what are Isabella nd Connor? Chopped liver?

  6. Richie said,

    Who the hell are all these people you’re talking about ? I mena; is anything they’re doing having an effect on me, my pay checque, or my new car ?

  7. Mainetarr said,

    It’s all Hollywood bullshit, Richie, doen’t effect any of us. Just like a real life soap opera. Fun to sit back and laugh at them.

  8. Mainetarr said,

    Local gossip, UNH male student found passed out in women’s underwear in a video rental store, ID’ed as “Jack the Sniffer”, freak who has been breaking into dorm rooms stealing women’s underwear and possible attempting to attack one. The guy looks like a little punk. Lossseeerrrr!

  9. Gil said,

    Redneck, mullethead Dog Chapman arrested. I personally can’t stand the guy, but I believe that he did us all a favor going into Mexico (the country, not the town), and bringing back that douchebag to stand trial. Note to Dog – check foreign laws before playing cowboy.

  10. Jerry said,

    Yeah, who does Chapman think he is, George Bush?

  11. LaFlamme said,

    Ahhhh, crap. I see now the error of my ways. Indeed, the punter who was stabbed in the leg would be compared to Kerrigan, not Harding. I’m dumb. Then again, Kerrigan was no picnic, either.

  12. Mainetarr said,

    oh, ha ha ha boy, you’re clever Jerry.


  13. Mainetarr said,

    Old Horse teeth Kerrigan. Jaysus, you ever see so much teeth on a face before?

  14. LaFlamme said,

    Didn’t she turn out to have a silver spoon up her ass or something? I remember she went from victim to pain in the ass very quickly but I can’t remember why.

  15. K2 said,

    Well, don’t forget, Kerrigan missed the gold medal by 0.02 points, if I’m not mistaken. Yes, she has an equine mouth like John Elway, but she didn’t deserve a nefarious crow bar to the popliteal region.

    “Skating away, skating away, skating away, on this thin ice of a new day. . . .”

  16. jarheaddoc said,

    Dog the Bounty Hunter, what a bunch of shit. Have you ever seen those stupid fucks assault a house? Doing bounty hunter work in the States is one thing, but once you cross those international borders, you better be able to flash your FBI badge and Don’t Throw Me In Jail Letter from the Department of Justice. Maybe he forget them at home, and maybe it’s just a ‘huge misunderstanding’

  17. Mainetarr said,

    Hey, I never said she deserved it K2, I was just making an observation. Didn’t mean to sound like an icy beeotch. Ha! I got nuthin.

  18. LaFlamme said,

    The more civilized thing to do would have been to give Kerrigan a yeast infection or something. Crabs? That’ll disrupt your skating routine.

  19. AO said,

    Ha. Tanya Harding looks like she’s having a hard time farting in that pic.

  20. LaFlamme said,

    By golly, you’re right. She does. Something tells me she never has a problem with that, though.

  21. AO said,

    I’d hardly think so.

  22. K2 said,

    MT, don’t even start on Scott Hamilton, be-otch. . . .

  23. K2 said,

    So, ummm . . . with yeast infections . . . does it . . . you know — bubble?

  24. LaFlamme said,

    You got me. All I know is that one cure involves tying it up with one of those little, yellow twist ties.

  25. Mainetarr said,

    The Black Dahlia opens today. Looks like a good movie. Scarlet Johanson and Josh Hartnett star in the remake. Real life couple playing a couple on screen. More Hollywood gossip. Ha!

  26. LaFlamme said,

    Bat piss! I mean, I have no interest in that movie, strangely. Check out this reaction to the 911 review. I thought I was in for it.

  27. Mainetarr said,

    K2, you’re gross.

    Scott Hamilton, HA! Look up “light in the loafers” and there he is. Hahaahaha! But he is a nice guy. Fairy nice.

  28. LaFlamme said,

    Let me start first by saying that I’ve been a fan of your column for quite some time.
    Your words add a certain je-ne-sais quoi to the bleak monochromatic pages of the sun-journal.
    (Well, maybe not always so bleak and monochromatic, but it sounded better that way)

    I read your recent review of the film World Trade Center in this past Sunday’s B Section and simply had to write.
    Thank you!
    My sentiments exactly.
    It was a nice relief to see that I wasn’t the only one frothing around in some soupy saccharin mess (which on better days resembles a movie theatre) while watching Oliver Stone’s latest effort.
    Bad art is bad art, no matter what way you slice it…..perhaps even doubly so when said art holds a high responsibility of marking/noting/using the prime social/political/everything event our nation has seen since…..well, yeah.
    So thanks for seeing it for what it was, and having the gall to write about it!

  29. Mainetarr said,

    Bat piss? Speaking of Bats, I saw a Biography last night on Julie Newmar (Catwoman from Batman). Wow, she was purrrfect. Gave me a whole new impression of the actress.

  30. K2 said,

    But did catwoman have all of her shots? Definitely due for a distemper and possbily a feline leukemia.

  31. K2 said,

    And Catman definitely doesn’t work. Scatman, maybe. . . .

  32. AO said,

    So. Who wrote you that letter, Mark? Anybody we know? And, kudos to whoever wrote it.

    K2, You ARE gross! But, that’s why I’ve always liked you. Funny & gross. Good combination.

  33. Bobbie said,

    Even tho she only made a brief appearance near the end of the movie, Julie Newmar did a good job in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. The movie just wouldn’t have been the same with, say, Rosie O’Donnell, in that part.

    Of the 3 Catwoman on Batman, Julie Newmar was the best one. I’ve heard that she and Mr. Belushi have now settled their neighborly dispute and agree to disagree.

  34. Bobbie said,

    Julie Newmar, Lee Merriweather and Eartha Kitt. It would have been interesting for Batman to have had the first interracial kiss with Catwoman (Eartha KItt) instead of letting CPT Kirk and LT Uhura have that honor.

  35. Linda said,

    That WAS a pretty nice letter, but the otherwise articulate writer might have taken a guess at what Mark’s words add, instead of the ambivalent “je ne sais quoi.”

    Like maybe … three alarm chili sauce? or to stick with the French theme, garlic and butter (I’m thinking Paula Deen)? or to get away from food, electric orange? or 200 volt electric charge? See what I mean, you could say a hundred things about what Mark’s words add, instead of saying he or she doesn’t know what to say.

  36. LaFlamme said,

    Dammit, you’ve made me hungry, Linda.

  37. LaFlamme said,

    But if you’re thinking of going out to Center Street in Auburn for some zesty Arby’s food, forget it. Sucker just burned down.

  38. Linda said,

    No way! what else is new over there?

  39. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, it didn’t burn down. But the roof is toast and all of the food inside. So, yeah. Forget about Arby’s.

  40. Linda said,

    OK, I already ate, great Italian food and we had a basket of the best bread ever. Sorry.

  41. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, now I’m wicked hungry.

  42. Linda said,

    Well it’s not like you were planning to eat at Arby’s were you? You ought to be able to find something nice to eat somewhere.

  43. brenda said,

    I’ve been eating really well lately, between the garden & the tuesdays’ Farmer’s Market, I have sooo much fresh veges and only myself to eat them, my son barely touches anything that grows in a garden, except corn.
    I have HOT peppers! everyday!

  44. LaFlamme said,

    I want KFC, but I never know how to friggin order over there. Double mash this, subsitute that, no dead rat in the cole slaw, etc.

  45. Linda said,

    Choices, it’s the American way.

    I was in a supermarket today and I remembered that I needed some red thread to sew some buttons on. Thought they might have some, so I asked at the service desk. The woman paged somebody else to ask, and that person didn’t know what thread was. “You know to sew something with”, she said into the phone. “No, to SEW something. Like clothes. No, THREAD. To SEW with.” The person on the end of the phone apparently never heard of thread. So I had the choice to go somewhere else or to leave the buttons off.

  46. AO said,

    Arby’s? Really? My son’s favorite fast food place. Mine too. But, no place beats KFC’s mashed potatoes. THE best !

  47. AO said,

    But…there’s a fire station right across the street from Arby’s. What? Why so much damage?

  48. Bobbie said,

    The firemen had to finish their meal from Arby’s first before they could answer the call.

    In all seriousness tho, it’s like calling for an ambulance when you’re right across the street from the hospital and it takes 10 minutes for the ambulance to reach you. Luckily, the poor guy wasn’t bleeding to death at the time.

  49. Daughtio said,

    Ha!! I was just saying that the other day…Kyle wanted KFC and I said “Ugh, I hate ordering there, it’s so confusing!!” Are you sure we’re not related? ;0

  50. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah, Daughtio. What’s up with that? We hate the same foods and we both have that morbid streak. Who’s YOUR daddy?

  51. Daughtio said,

    Haha, you can’t get outta that one. Oh, AND we both hate ordering…at any restaurant. Bleck!

  52. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. And ice cream. Can’t order the shit. “I’ll have a… cone, thingy. With that chocolate flavored… stuff.”

  53. Daughtio said,

    Yeah…lucky for me I’m not a big ice cream eater. At DQ I always get a “Small Strawberry Cheesequake Blizzaed” MmMm…

  54. Daughtio said,


  55. K2 said,

    Is anyone else taken aback by BJ’s Dairy Treat on Sabbatus St.? I mean, ‘BJ’ and ‘Dairy’ should never be used in conjunction.

    “Hey kid, you want clumps with that?”

    “Mommy, this ice cream is salty.”

    “Are those red sprinkles or blood clots?”

  56. AO said,

    K2, I’ve always wondered why anybody in their right mind would name a business BJ’s. Well, unless it was a porn shop, of course. 🙂 I have taken my kid’s there for ice cream before and, they never complained that it was “salty”!

  57. brenda said,

    I licked up a pumpkin soft serve from there on my way home after my last dr’s visit.

  58. LaFlamme said,

    Classic reference for those adorable photos of kids with ice cream dripping down their chin.

  59. K2 said,

    It’s like the old Carl Junior’s ads out West: Something about “If it’s (their burger) not all over your face, it ain’t in the right place.” I mean, what licentiously sick marketer got that one off the ground?

  60. brenda said,

    that was a good idea for the commercials


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