Messin’ with Big Bob

September 16, 2006 at 2:35 am (Uncategorized)

bob.jpgMeet Bob. Bob is looking cool. And with a call to Enzyte about natural male enhancement, Bob is living large. In a few short weeks, Bob has a big, new spring of confidence. A generous swelling of pride. And the one thing every man deserves: A little well-earned respect from the neighborhood. In short, Bob is hung like a gorilla but nobody wants him because with that dopey grin, he looks a little bit like someone who just made love to a goat after killing an entire family of farmers.

And so forth. When the first Enzyte Bob commercial hit the airwaves, it was genius. Then they kept trying to build on its momentum and they… shall we say… fell flat. A common advertising mistake. You saw it with Bush’s Beans and their betraying golden retriever. A dog uttering “roll that beautiful bean footage” was mildly funny for a time. Then they kept that mutt talking and you wanted him to go the way of Old Yeller.

Then there was that retarded looking kid who kept his office job because he ate so much cereal, he never heard his bosses when they fired him. Ha ha ha! Belly laugh. After four or five follow up ads, you wanted to burn the entire bigfootwildboy-bigfoot.jpgoffice building to the ground.

Now you’ve got Bigfoot and a crew of Jackass types who play jokes on him. They bathe his sleeping hand in warm water and make him pee. They loosen the cap on his salt shaker. They rub ink on binocular eye pieces and then trick the monster into using them. Sheer hilarity. But how soon will Bigfoot become Enzyte Bob?

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71 Comments

  1. K2 said,

    Enzyte Bob was genius? I don’t think I’ve ever so wholeheartedly disagreed with you, LaFlamme. Those fucking stupid-ass commericals were never anything but absolutely obnoxious. And his hideously ugly wife looks like his mother. (Paging Oedipus?) Some of the most disturbing commercials of all time, that Enzyte shit, the first time, the last time, every time they aired.

  2. brenda said,

    that’s a lot of anger over some dumb commercials

  3. K2 said,

    Anger? No, it’s my opinion, presuming I’m allowed to have one. I hate most commericals, but few more than the Enzyte ones.

    Is that okay with you, Ms. Cukoo?

    PS – Go fuck yourself.

  4. brenda said,

    I meant the writer of the blog, who wanted the dog dead & the office burned down. Just literary license, I know.
    You got a thing about old clocks?
    ps, sorry, I’m not horney right now, and wouldn’t need your permission or suggestion- thanks anyway.

    now that you mentioned it, you do seem to have a lot of anger though, k2, it’s only a blog….

  5. K2 said,

    I repeat, I repeat: Go fuck yourself, brenda.

  6. Linda said,

    Careful, Brenda — I think it hurts Mark’s feelings when we say it’s only a blog.

  7. brenda said,

    no thanks, k2. I need a shower first.

    šŸ˜‰

  8. brenda said,

    Linda you may be right, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I think he’s pretty strong and can handle it. I must like the blogs because I keep coming back.

  9. jarheaddoc said,

    I liked the Quizno’s commercial with the baby named Bob. However, after two, the kid was done, needed a nap or a diaper change, something like that. ain’t been back since. Glad to see he could end his career on a high note

  10. Linda said,

    How long ago were the Quizno’s commercials, it couldn’t be the same Bob, could it?

  11. K2 said,

    The Quizno’s baby’s voice is Bill Murray’s youngest brother. Can’t remember his name, but he was in ‘One Crazy Summer’ with John Cusack, Demi Moore, Bobcat G. and Miles/Booger. A good movie for teens — back in the ’80s, that is.

  12. K2 said,

    Of, course, I can’t verify that on Google. Uh oh.

  13. Bobbie said,

    What I disliked most about the Quizno’s commercials were the Chernobyl rats. I still refuse to eat there.

  14. newsflasher said,

    PORTLAND, Oregon (AP) — When Susan Kuhnhausen returned home from work one day earlier this month, she encountered an intruder wielding a claw hammer. After a struggle, the 51-year-old nurse fended off her attacker by strangling him with her bare hands.
    …. after an investigation, police now say the intruder Kuhnhausen strangled was apparently a hit man hired by her estranged husband — Michael James Kuhnhausen Sr. — to kill her.

    wow. her bare hands.

  15. Linda said,

    wow. a hit man hired by her husband. I guess he didn’t dare do it himself.

    And BTW, I say, good for her

  16. K2 said,

    I heard she was like 5′ 3″, 260 pounds. The hit-man never had a chance.

  17. K2 said,

    And talk about a Polish hit man. . . .

  18. Gil said,

    Methinks thou dost hate the commercials too much K2. Wassamatta? Enzyte not working? A little “Bob” envy going there?

  19. Gil said,

    K2, the voice of Baby Bob is actually this guy

    Ken Hudson, the one with Steve Busccemi. Now that would be scary, a baby with Steve Buscemi’s voice.
    Here’s another shot of him from Groundhog’s Day

  20. K2 said,

    Yeah, good call, Gil. I get that guy confused with the youngest Murray brother for some unknown reason.

    No, literally, that Enzyte commercial hits me on such a profoundly negative level. Literally my most hated commercial in years.

    And yes, I hate commercials in general. I always mute them on my TV, and I only listen to satellite radio, since radio ads are unbearable on any level. I mean, really, who want’s to be sold to when you’re not shopping? And even then, when I am forced at gun point to shop, less is more.

  21. LaFlamme said,

    *sobbing helplessly into hands*
    *which beats sobbing helplessly into crotch*
    *again, I got nothing*

  22. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah, maybe genius was a little strong. I probably meant “mildly amusing.” I think what I liked about the very first Enzyte bit wasn’t the cliches for penile enormi, but the 1950’s, almost Stepford feel of it. Just a tad creepy. Then they tried to milk it and that was that.

  23. brenda said,

    I never saw this commercial you are talking about- now you got me curious.

  24. jarheaddoc said,

    I think that stupid smile on Bob’s face is actually a look of pain from the priapism that is one of the side effects of the drug. I’ll bet if he popped a nitro he’d die with that stupid fucking look on his face, too. It reminds of the look that Daffy Duck had on his face in one of those cartoons, after he had been whacked on the head with a big damn hammer: eyes wide as saucers and all his teeth showing. fucnny in the cartoon, stupid in the commercial.

    So you got laid, get over it.

  25. K2 said,

    I don’t know, I stand with ‘disturbing.’

    And doesn’t anybody miss the days when psuedo-macho males, such as Dick Butkis (no pun intended), didn’t get on national TV and say to the masses, with an unimbarrassed face that, “I can’t get a boner anymore, so I took this pill. . . .” Yes, I’m a liberal, but at some point, keep your fucking flaccid cock troubles to yourself, limp asparagus boy.

  26. jarheaddoc said,

    I had origninally typed something like that, K2, regarding sports figures, but for some reason self-edited it for the above comment. I find it to be quite PC that celebrities and sports figures, like bob Dole, have finally admitted that they had ED and can be comfortable talking about it on tv. What a bunch of shit. Do you see his wife talking about yeast infections?

    And do the men group hug and pray for a boner?

    That commercial is really just showing that we, as a country, need to rediscover our own shame and keep some stuff to ourselves. What used to be private between a patient and a doctor is now on the internet: “I have hemmorragic vaginitis and thrombosed hemmorhoids and I want a cure, right now!”

    We have no shame whatsoever anymore. I know this because what K2 and I had was smeared all over this blog and we even joined in. Shameful, shameful, shameful

  27. AO said,

    I still want that blender back, JD. šŸ™‚

  28. jarheaddoc said,

    Like I said, it’s in pieces and- can we just work something out money wise? I have my own shame, after all.

  29. Bobbie said,

    Besides, you probably don’t want to know what JD’s been doing with the blender.

    New (read: used) keyboard works pretty good so far. I’ll just have to write some letters back in because they’re kinda faded a bit. The keyboard even has the wrist rest on it, so that will be good for me. Not a bad deal at all-2 keyboards for $3 bucks ain’t bad at all.

  30. Bobbie said,

    Where did you find the photo of the bigfoot from The Six Million Dollar Man, Mark? I thought that photo looked familiar.

  31. AO said,

    Okay, JD, I’ll take the money. I’m still a tore up over you and K2’s break up, though. You two were so good together. šŸ˜¦

  32. jarheaddoc said,

    Uh, let’s see, buck fifity for the scrap, stamped envelope is forty-five cents, that’s a dollar and five cents. You take check?

  33. AO said,

    Sure…ha.

  34. jarheaddoc said,

    It’s in the mail, postdated to 01/01/2010. Thanks

  35. AO said,

    I’ll be sure to look fo it. Boy, snail mail is really slow, huh?

  36. Mainetarr said,

    I LOVE the commercial with the two fat old ladies, but they sound like two redneck guys. It’s a credit card theft commercial, the guys stole their credit cards and bought a motorcycle, ” and it be like waaaaaaa”. “No, it was brooooooommmm” “Shoot, sounds good cuz it’s free” That freaking commercial cracks me up everytime.

  37. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah, that’s a good campaign. So is just about everything the Geicko people do. Did I ever mention I once wanted to study advertising? I was fascinated with the psychology of it and the subliminal shit Coke and the tobacco companies used to do. Then I decided to be a do-nothing asshat for most of my 20’s, instead.

  38. Linda said,

    Mark, you could probably sell ice to the Eskimos.

  39. Linda said,

    MT I think I like those identity theft ones the best too.

  40. K2 said,

    I admit, are there are some goodins out there — but they’re few and far between. The ESPN commercials are pretty damn funny, I think.

    But I still stand by my ‘who-the-fuck-wants-to-be-sold-to? angle. Not me.

    And jd, I am so over you. Partially because the restraining order mandates it. A thousand feet? Might as well be a heart-break mile.

    Oh, your chancre is oozing. Maybe blot that sucker with a napkin or somepin. Ointment three times a day or it’ll never heal, I’m telling you.

  41. Linda said,

    You know jd, we were just trying to be supportive of you and K2, not pick over your dirty laundry for the hell of it. I hope you felt that. The last thing we want to do is take sides, that’s so 90’s. We have to admire the way you two are getting on with it, staying civil. And I know it’s trite, but I’m just glad there weren’t any kids involved. (There weren’t, were there?)

    It’s not always such a bed of roses between K2 and Gil. How those two ever got together in the first place is what baffles me.

  42. Bobbie said,

    I guess we should all be thankful that there weren’t any kids involved in that break up. Can you imagine what they’d look like?

  43. AO said,

    Has anybody seen the new Mt. Dew commercial? The one with the guy falling off a cliff?

  44. K2 said,

    Alcohol and ether, Linda. Alcohol and ether.

  45. AO said,

    K2, can you get the blender back to me?

  46. Bobbie said,

    Remember, you don’t want ot know what it is that they did with the blender. Better to get yourself a new one.

  47. K2 said,

    AO, the motor is shot and the blades are dulled from jd’s habitual sphincterization treatments. But hey, if you want it back . . .

  48. AO said,

    Ha…forget it, K2. You two can divide it up between the two of you. Just buy me a beer sometime, okay?

  49. Linda said,

    AO, let me give you my blender, I never use it and it’s in a much more hygienic state than the one you gave to the “happy couple” that was.

  50. AO said,

    Not only did I give them a blender but , I also gave K2 a very special bong. Hmmm…guess he’ll never give that back, either.

  51. Linda said,

    No, I doubt you’ll ever see that little item again AO.

  52. Linda said,

    Wait — a present for the couple, and a “side present” for K2? A little favoritism?

  53. AO said,

    Well, K2 has always had a very special place in my heart. He just seems to have such a “flair” for life. And, he’s just so damned funny. šŸ™‚

    Red Sox’s are winning right now, 5-3. I can’t watch! I hate the damn Yankee’s!

  54. Linda said,

    So much for the Sox leading …

  55. LaFlamme said,

    Yep. Classic nail biter.
    By the way, Linda. You blogged last at 10-44. Radio code for “possible mental subject.”

  56. Linda said,

    I’m denying it.

    Well I would, wouldn’t I?

  57. Bobbie said,

    Check it out for yourself, Linda, before you go believing Mark. He may just be pulling your leg tonight.

  58. AO said,

    5-5. I have no friggen nails left!

  59. Linda said,

    You know, I’m in CT where you can’t count on the people around you to be Sox fans. They are at least as likely to be Yankees fans. Last time I was here, I met a couple who had a baby girl named Mattingly. I asked the father why Mattingly, and he said, we are big Yankees fans and Don Mattingly is my all time favorite, and we just liked the sound of the name, so that’s what we called our daughter.

    At least back home the odd people who favor other teams are few and are easily identifiable as weirdos. Oh, I’m not hurting anyone’s feelings with that, am I??

  60. Linda said,

    Wily Mo strikes again.

  61. AO said,

    And, I only know the score because I’m getting an update from my daughter and husband. I can’t watch. HATE the flucking Yankee’s!

  62. AO said,

    okay, 7-5. SOB! Take that anyway you want to.

  63. Linda said,

    I see from the MSN home page that Hawaii has the longest life expectancy of all the states,and Mississippi the shortest. Maine is #20

  64. AO said,

    7-5. Bummer.

  65. brenda said,

    in Maine it probably makes a big difference whether you live in a city or the country. I don’t know – that could go either way- healthier, cleaner, more active in the country? Or too harsh, with all that snow shovelling, etc? Easier to get resources in the city?

  66. Gil said,

    I have a question for all of you Sox fans. Does this mean that the curse is back? Or does it mean that the Sox still suck? AH-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, etc, etc…

  67. LaFlamme said,

    I’d like to go on the record as saying the whole Red Sox avalanche began with that sweep to the lowly, but still feisty Kansas City Royals. I’m just saying.

  68. Gil said,

    Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
    Hoo-ha-ha
    Oh, stop, I can’t breathe

  69. AO said,

    I’m hanging with Gil. (Hope he doesn’t mind!)

    Sox’s won the first game today!

  70. K2 said,

    AO, that was a bong? I though it was a penis pump. No that I needed one. . . .

  71. K2 said,

    Now my virtriol against Smiling Bob is affirmed: http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/09/21/enzyte.indictment.ap/index.html

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