Wanker! An M. Night Shymalan production

September 19, 2006 at 12:09 am (Uncategorized)

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Remember that movie “The Hand,” with Michael Cain? Guy with a mangled paw gets a surgically attached hand from a man who was put to death after a life of crime. What follows is predictable. The hand still acts with the criminal mind of its former owner and leads Cain into all sorts of trouble. Like getting involved in the horrible “Blame it on Rio” in the middle of his movie career.
Anyway, the sequel is in the works based on the news story bellow. Or should be. I think a fine title for it would be “Woody,” but you Hollywood types may have better ideas.

Chinese surgeons have performed the world’s first penis transplant on a man whose organ was damaged beyond repair in an accident this year. The incident left the man with a 1cm-long stump with which he was unable to urinate or have sexual intercourse. “His quality of life was affected severely,” said Dr Weilie Hu, a surgeon at Guangzhou General Hospital.Doctors spent 15 hours attaching a 10cm penis to the 44-year-old patient after the parents of a brain-dead man half his age agreed to donate their son’s organ.
The surgical team claims the operation was a success. After 10 days, tests revealed the organ had a rich blood supply and the man was able to urinate normally.
Doctors have previously succeeded in reuniting men with their sexual organs after traumatic accidents or attacks, but the Guangzhou operation is the first in which a donor penis has successfully been attached to another man.
Although the operation was a surgical success, surgeons said they had to remove the penis two weeks later. “Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off,” Dr Hu said. An examination of the organ showed no signs of it being rejected by the body.

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49 Comments

  1. Montel said,

    Because of a severe psychological problem….? Geeze, if you’re gonna attach another pecker, let’s get one bigger than 3 3/4 inches. While more than the one inch stump he was left with, I’m certain he wanted to do more than piss with it. And so did his wife.

  2. Gil said,

    See Dan, there’s hope for you yet. Now if only they get your addsomeballstome operation scheduled, along with your recto-cranial inversion.

  3. K2 said,

    What a prick. I mean, it was. You know, back then.

    Ah, ‘The Hand.’ Haven’t seen that in at least 20 years. Although, I never frantically wave my hand at flatbed trucks to get them to pull aside. A lesson learned, Mr. Caine.

    Wonder if he ever flogged his bird dog with that nefarious appendage? And I thought switching to my left hand was cheating on myself, but a donor hand? . . . Timing the milking must be very difficult.

    And LaFlamme, I know you have ‘Educating Rita’ on DVD — with bonus footage.

  4. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    The article never establishes what sort of accident separated the transplant patient from his penis in the first place.

  5. Thaifood Teena said,

    You know, I have always felt a little strange about getting a transplant, although I am an organ donor. I couldn’t imagine a hand or face transplant. Yuk! I guess internal organs aren’t so bad because you don’t have to LOOK at it on a daily basis. A penis transplant? Ewwwwww. Who knows where that thing has been? If you got a transplant from a homosexual man, would your penis crave the butthole? I’m gonna puke…..

  6. Linda said,

    Mandy, this still doesn’t say exactly how, but it’s just a bit more info.

    http://english.people.com.cn/200509/22/eng20050922_210177.html

    “The patient, 44, suffered an accident after over-drinking a year before, causing the loss of his penis completely. He was in great pain in mind although his life was saved in rescue”

  7. K2 said,

    They should’ve attached a huge blue-veined black cock on that Chinese man — he, and especially his wife would’ve kept it, for sure. “O, dat a keeper!”

    How about a guy about getting a nut transplant, then when a he knocks a chick up, he can say it wasn’t his, and avoid all child support. Absolutely fool proof.

  8. K2 said,

    Shymalana Ding Dong?

    So, where do you go to college?

    Do you mind if we dance wif your dates?

    If I were you I’d be . . .

    Leaving!

  9. Linda said,

    K2, you fired up already today? Sure looks that way!

  10. K2 said,

    You can’t have a blog about cock transplants without me going a wee bit overboard, Linda. I mean, cock humor was all the cavemen had before they developed spoken language. Before they knew how to say, “Two Jews walk into a bar . . .” all they had were cock tricks — a ‘chicken leg’ here, an ‘peach pit’ there. That may be why Neanderthal man died out — inferior cock-trick humor. The riddle has been solved.

  11. Linda said,

    Yeah, good thing we are so much more evolved, eh?

  12. K2 said,

    Talk about standing erect.

  13. Linda said,

    Arrrgh, matey, ’tis a busy mornin YE are havin’!!

  14. Gil said,

    What the f**k is Linda talking about? More info here
    http://talklikeapirateday.com/wordpress/
    My cutlass is fargin huge matey, Gar!

  15. LaFlamme said,

    He lost his pee pee in a mishap during a night of drinking? What do they drink over there, battery acid?

  16. LaFlamme said,

    So, I wrote a column about car dealers, a longer version of the previous blog. The remarks about dealers looking (and acting) like over the hill porn stars was shot down like a scud missle.

  17. Thaifood Teena said,

    And this surprises you? You couldn’t say balls of steel, they’ll never let you say porn stars. But, we were out shopping for a car last weekend, and talk about a cheesy looking bunch. One guy was sweating so much I thought he was going to pass out. And he talked so friggen fast I couldn’t understand a word he was saying. I even looked at him like he was speaking in Chinese so he would maybe take the hint and slow down, but he didn’t catch on. Meathead. You know, when I want help, I’ll ask. No need to follow me around like a cat in heat. Pisses me off. That furniture superstore in Lewiston is like that too. I have sworn them off forever because of it, AND I tell everyone I know to stay away from there. Friggen sharks, they start circling around you the minute they walk in the store. I think they are car salesmen that couldn’t make it in the auto world and relented to furniture.

  18. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. The people we dealt with were actually great. I know there are good dealers out there. But I’ve gotta go with the average. Most of them have cheesy mustaches and always have their hands in their pockets. Out of work porn stars. Ba da bing.

  19. K2 said,

    Hey, I thought this was a blog about severed penises?!?

    Best severed-pecker scene has to be Caligula, when the bad-ass dude slices a tortured servant’s weiner off and feeds it, like a Snausage, to a nearby pit bull.

    Bad dog! I said no ‘people’ food!

  20. K2 said,

    Oh yeah, is that photo an Middle-Earthen Ent dick? Man, that’d be a load of pollen. . . .

  21. LaFlamme said,

    I remember one low budget mafia flick where the rat’s pecker was hacked off and then stuffed into his mouth. He was then tossed into a big vat of boiling water, as I recall. No idea what movie that was.

  22. K2 said,

    How about Erin Morin in ‘Galaxy of Terror.’ The space babe opposite Erin gets raped by a gigantic purple worm. No symbolism there, I’m sure.

    Erin? Oh, she got her head squashed in the end like a watermelon at a Gallagher show. Very messy, and no Al to clean it up.

  23. AO said,

    Wow. Poor old wanker.

  24. LaFlamme said,

    You never really hear of penile mishaps. That’s because we’re taught at a very young age to protect that part of the body at all costs.

  25. AO said,

    I’m wondering what happened to this guy? What the hell did he drink? And, why did they implant such a small “one”?

  26. AO said,

    A Wee Willy. Think they could have given him a BIG Johnson. And, hey, they could have made it dog chewed!

  27. LaFlamme said,

    Speaking of such, where the hell is Bulldog?

  28. Linda said,

    Mark, you NEARLY never hear of penile mishaps, which is why the legendary Bobbitt contretemps created such a ruckus.

  29. AO said,

    I spoke to Bulldog a few weeks ago. It was so good to hear her voice! She’s busy working.

  30. K2 said,

    AO, tell that slut Bulldog we miss her.

  31. AO said,

    Hey, K2, I’ll bet she misses you too. And, I’m sure she has a few “choice” names for you too! But, next time I chat with her, I’ll let her know. 🙂 Did ya get my email? It’s on topic with the blog!

  32. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. I really miss that whore.

  33. LaFlamme said,

    Slattern.

  34. LaFlamme said,

    Tart.

  35. AO said,

    Yeah, that’ll bring her back! Jaysus!

    I LOVE YOU BULLDOG!!

  36. Mainetarr said,

    Can I get off topic for a second here, and back to the Faith blog? I am too fuggin lazy to go back to that one, but I need to get this out so that I can get a reaction from Montel and Brenda. Remember those cartoons that appeared in a Dutch paper that made fun of Muslims? NBC refused to run them on the nightly news because they didn’t want to offend Muslims. Ok, so that was nice and all, but guess what NBC is doing now? During sweeps week, they are planning on running Madonna in concert and showing her “nailed” to a cross, something she routinely does as part of the show on this particular tour. Those bastards will run that and offend Christians, but they won’t run cartoons because they don’t want to offend Muslims? What the fuck are they smoking?

    Ok, back to dick talk. You know how much I love to talk dick. Wouldn’t it be creepy if they attached a great big black schlong on a teeny tiny Asian man?

  37. Herb said,

    There is turmoil in my favorite country, Thailand. What shall I do?

  38. Asshat said,

    Go fight Herb. Do it for the children.

  39. Mainetarr said,

    Gil, what say you on this NBC controversy?

  40. AO said,

    I say, BULLSHIT! Again, what the fuck? Pick your side, don’t waver.

    Okay, with that said, goodnight I have a sick child. Gotta get her to bed.

  41. LaFlamme said,

    NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. (AP) — A doctor has pleaded not guilty to
    stealing a hand from a New Jersey medical school cadaver and giving
    it to an exotic dancer, authorities said.

  42. Linda said,

    Are you making that up???

  43. LaFlamme said,

    No, no. A buddy from DC just sent it to me.

  44. LaFlamme said,

    Ahmed Rashed, a 2005 graduate of the University of Medicine and
    Dentistry of New Jersey, was charged Monday after voluntarily
    returning from Los Angeles, where he is in a residency program,
    said his lawyer, Hassen Abdellah.
    Rashed, 26, is free on $1,000 bail.
    The dancer, Linda Kay, kept the hand in a jar of formaldehyde in
    her bedroom. Friends have said she called the hand “Freddy.”
    Police discovered the hand, along with six human skulls, at
    Kay’s home in July, after being called there on a report that a
    roommate was suicidal. The roommate was not home, but Kay was.
    Kay, 31, has pleaded not guilty to unlawful disposal of human
    remains. Her mother has said she believed the skulls were bought
    from a mail order catalog.
    The left hand was taken in May or June 2002, according to an
    investigation by the school and South Plainfield police, said
    Middlesex County Assistant Prosecutor Judson Hamlin.
    Medical school spokeswoman Anna Farneski said in a statement
    that the investigation is ongoing.
    The charge against Rashed carries up to 10 years in prison.

  45. Mainetarr said,

    Amhed Rashad? The football player? Just kidding.

  46. K2 said,

    Hey, you leave Bobby Moore (Ahmad Rashad) out of this! One of the all-time Viking greats.

    And MT, d’you miss my post, #7. I had hoped that “dat a keeper’ would make you snort your coffee through your nose.

  47. Mainetarr said,

    K2, it did crack me up when I saw that yesterday. I should have said something. I was home sick yesterday, real sick (not the I could have pushed myself to go to work sick, I’m talking in the bathroom all day sick) and was a little off. I am back to normal, or at least as close to normal as I get, today, so look out you fuggin pothead. Speaking of Chinese men, did you know that 75% of Chinese men have Cataracts? They other 25% drive Rincolns.

  48. Mainetarr said,

    I meant the other ***

    Maybe I’m not 100% quite yet…….

  49. K2 said,

    Oh, the all-exits-no-waiting/green-apple-two-step malady. A humble time in the life of a human. Hope you’re feeling better.

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