Tickle me, please

September 20, 2006 at 1:52 am (Uncategorized)

elmo.jpgPlay with whatever you want, people. But if you plan to pick up the anniversary issue Tickle Me Elmo, I’m afraid I won’t be able to hang out with you anymore. I’ll defend to the death to play with whatever you want, sir or madam. But really. That giggling, thrashing, furry red thing is a tiny pedophile with a wide smile.Elmo gives me the creeps. A friend of mine bought one for her niece a few years ago and she tortured me with it for days. Touch Elmo just lightly and he’ll start squirming in apparent ecstasy. “That feels GOOD! Squeeze me again!”

And that voice. It’s an old man voice. I earnestly expect Elmo to squeal: “There’s a quarter in my pocket! Reach down and get it and you can keep it! Deeper… Deeper…” at the slightest provocation. Or maybe: “What we just did needs to be our little secret!”

Here’s the thing. Toys that are supposed to be cute are creepy. Toys that are supposed to be scary usually aren’t. Like that little Chuckie doll who hacks people up with a butcher knife bigger than he is? He’s a pint-sized pud whacker whom I would happily punt into the fireplace.

Much scarier are the antique dolls you find in flea markets all over the place. The porceline skin. The flat, dead expressions. The eyes that roll up or down. And that clown in Poletergeist. Or the tiny savage that tormented Karen Black in “Trilogy of Terror.” Or that inflatable doll way, way back in my closet. Why does she always look like she’s saying: “Ohhhhh!”

I’ve said too much.



  1. Daughtio said,

    I just saw Elmo TMX on the news tonight, and I kinda think he’s cute, lol…I’m not even an Elmo fan. I just love how he falls to the ground laughing, smacks his knee, hits the ground, and then he even stands back up all by himself. Can you get me one for Christmas, pleeeaaase??
    No, seriously though, I think Elmo’s a little over-rated. And to tell you the truth I think I know more kids who were afraid of tickle me Elmo than ones who actually liked it. My brothers had one…and now I think it’s at the bottom of some closet.
    And yeah…that clown, ahh! I hate em ALL!!

  2. Mainetarr said,

    I’m not a big clown fan either, they are creepy, especially clown dolls. I just imagine they would hide under your bed and grab your foot when you walk by.

    My favorite childhood toy, which is now packed away in the basement, is my Mrs. Beasley doll. She wasn’t creepy at all. You know what else I thought was creepy? Those masks everyone used to hang on their walls. The oval, boarderline clown-like face, what the hell were they called? I forget, they are what you would see at the theater. Those are creepy!!!

  3. K2 said,

    I guess the Tickle-Me Pee Wee Herman doll is stuck in R&D.

  4. Mainetarr said,

    I bet you have a tickle me pee pee doll don’t you K2?

  5. K2 said,

    It’s so crusted over I don’t dare touch it. Well, maybe one last time. . . .

  6. Linda said,

    Toys like Elmo are kind of stupid. An ordinary doll or stuffed animal — you make up the story. The play comes out of your imagination. If there’s anything twisted, at least it’s all you.

    But Elmo — run him through his repertoire once or twice, then what? Bo-o-o-ring.

  7. Linda said,

    Off topic but — hey Fred, are you there? I went to the Farmington Fair yesterday. I saw alpacas, llamas, sheep, goats, pigs, cows, oxen, and some little horses. Bought some yarn, what else is new? Ate some junky food, passed on the bloomin’ onions though. I stepped in cow shit, felt like a city slicker. I watched some oxen (I think they were oxen) pulling heavy weights. The men hit them with sticks and hollered at them, really mean sounding. Wouldn’t they listen better and pull better if the men talked to them nicer?

    Anyhow it was fun I guess. A couple of years ago I won some ribbons, maybe next year I’ll enter some more stuff and win again. Then it would be more fun.

    How about you, Fred — did you have fun at the fair?

  8. AO said,

    Huh. A Tickle Me Mark LaFlamme doll. What WILL they think of next? 🙂

  9. Linda said,

    Yeah, that’s going straight to the back of the closet. Scary!! 🙂

  10. K2 said,

    I thought he was already in the closet.

  11. FRED said,

    I sure did! Especially the blooming onions.I`ll be eating the damn things till Christmas probably,they keep coming back LOL The cow poop is healthy,at least thats what I was always told. Anyone get merdered yet?I don`t like it when the teamsters thump on their cattle.Yelling at them is ok! Got to get their attention.It was sooooo hot we left early .Try it again some evening when its cooler.

  12. Linda said,

    Haven’t heard of anyone getting killed at the Fair yet this year.

  13. LaFlamme said,

    If you don’t like clowns, you probably won’t like my Halloween costume this year. Way to reveal that, MT. You just know I’ll be banked out at your back door in that get up. Put that gun away, for chrissakes. It’s just a clown.

  14. Mainetarr said,

    I’ll open the door and let the dogs out, they don’t like clowns either. Remember that picture of Bailey’s fangs? That will be the last thing you see before they sink into your clown ass.

  15. LaFlamme said,

    Good point. Good point. But if Milo ate a clown, it would surely taste funny. *HONK*

  16. K2 said,

    Clowns do suck. But a clown that mimes? That’s when I kill.

  17. AO said,

    Mimes suck.

  18. Anonymous said,


  19. Linda said,

    Not me! Not me!

  20. K2 said,

    Boy, I wish I had the cojones to hide behind the Anonymous moniker whilst insulting others. Just so masculine. . . .

    Still, what is the air-speed of an unladen swallow?

  21. Anonymous said,

    Anonymous sucks.

  22. Mainetarr said,

    A seventy-five-year old year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.
    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow.”
    The next day the seventy-five-year old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as he had received it on the previous day.

    “Where’s the sample?” said the Doctor.
    “Well, doctor, it’s like this,” the man explained. “First I tried with my right hand, but that didn’t work. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still no joy. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.”

    “I see..” said the Doctor dubiously. “Then what did you do?”
    “Well, I asked my sixteen year old neice to lend a hand, but she failed too, even when she took it between her legs and squeezed it really hard.”
    “Her legs!” exclaimed the doctor, appalled.

    “So I went next door to Eileen, and she tried too, first with both hands, then both armpits in turn and she even tried rolling it between her knees, but still nothing.
    “You asked your neighbour?” cried the shocked doctor.

    “The old man replied, “Yes, but no matter what we tried we still couldn’t get the fucking jar open!”

  23. Mainetarr said,

    Montel sucks. And he swallows.

  24. Mainetarr said,

    Hey K2, at least you don’t swallow. Could have been worse. Ha!

    So, anyone get killed at the Farmington Fair yet?

  25. Mainetarr said,

    So, I;m a little chatty tonight, sorry I can’t help myself. I took Milo over to the Sun Urinal tonight to see all the surprised looks on everyone’s faces. They have been watching him grow since he was weeks old. From 4 1/2 pounds to 80+ pounds. Unreal how much he has grown.

  26. AO said,

    Have I forgotten something? Was there ever a murder at the Farmington Fair? If so, when?

  27. LaFlamme said,

    I thought MT would provide the answer to that one. The rumor is that a gang of Farmington yoots wants to join a gang of Lewiston yoots. Part of the initiation involves killing someone at the Farmington fair. Word got around and now many people are afraid to go.

  28. AO said,

    Well, thanks for the update. I don’t think the rumor would keep me away.

    My Cousin Vinny, classic.

  29. Linda said,

    I love that movie — “yoots” — too funny!

  30. Linda said,

    I don’t know if there are any firefighters or paramedics among us tonight — jd working maybe? — but thanks to all of you on behalf of my niece in Portland. She had a bicycle mishap and scraped up her face and hands, and some firemen who happened to be in the area picked her up, called some paramedics, and got her patched up. most important, they were very good to her and reassured her and drove her home. Everyone in the family is grateful. It matters, you know?

  31. AO said,

    Wow. I’m glad to hear that she’s alright. It’s a good thing those firemen happened to be in the area. Lucky!

  32. Daughtio said,

    You’re seriously being a clown? *eek* I gotta see pictures!!

  33. AO said,

    I’m betting on Penny Wise.

  34. Linda said,

    thats a scary thought

  35. LaFlamme said,

    Not a clown exactly. But clownish.

  36. Linda said,

    Oh Mark, you are just walking into abuse with that one. I’ll leave it alone, but SOMEBODY will take a shot, don’t you think?

  37. AO said,

    I would but, I don’t want to offend anyone. Besides, Mark and I are both big Penny Wise fans ’cause…we all float down here.

  38. Mainetarr said,

    Sorry, I would have explained about the Fair, some kids from Livermore Falls that were planing on going are now staying home. It’s quite serious. I talked to one of the harness drivers tonight and it’s all the buzz in the paddock. They are none too happy about it. I would have told you that a couple of hours ago but I went to an Auburn/Gardiner football game at Walton Field. My Godson was playing and they played their third consecutive game without letting their opposition score a single point. That’s right, I’m a proud Auntie Gail this evening folks. I barely have a voice left, I rooted so hard. What a game!! Smoked em-22-0. Feels kinda weird, though, rooting against my old school.

    I will keep our little secret about your costume, LaFlamme. But I am going to take 100’s of pictures and e-mail to the bloggers. (I can’t believe he is dressing up as a mime!)

  39. Mainetarr said,

    And I have opted to stay away from the fair, as have my Godchildren. I mean, if there is an obvious threat, why chance it? I know that you can’t live your life in fear, but there are more fairs yet to come, so skipping one won’t leave much of a dent in the fair season. I will just go to Cumberland twice as much.

  40. Linda said,

    Fryeburg. That’s the only other one I’ll probably go to.

  41. K2 said,

    T-shirt: ‘I went to the Fryburg Fair and all I got was a bullet to the brain. (And my apple pie took second place.)’

  42. AO said,

    Don’t EVER go to Fryburg on a Saturday. You’ll wish you DID get a bullet to the brain!

  43. Linda said,

    Nah. Thursday.

  44. Mainetarr said,

    Best day at Fryeburg, Tuesday-it’s senior citizen day, white hair as far as you can see, but very few kids, makes it easy to get around. It’s a good day for adults with no little ones in tow. We usually go and bring radios so I can go to the FTD floral show and Chris can go gamble. Works out perfect, we just call each other when we are done.

    I seriously plan on parking my ass on the fence at Cumberland next week. I should be off crutches again by Wednesday, if it’s not raining, I will be sitting outside betting on the ponies. Ahhhh, life is good.

  45. LaFlamme said,

    T-shirt: I went to the Farmington fair and all I got was dead.

  46. Gil said,

    T-shirt: I went to the Farmington Fair? What the fuck is a “Farmington”?

  47. Linda said,

    Franklin County don’t get no respect.

  48. Mainetarr said,

    I heard they have a game there, if you throw a ring around a bottle you win a tickle me pee pee Elmo.

  49. LaFlamme said,

    A perfect traditional game for a child and his Uncle No-Pockets.

  50. Gil said,

    If you throw a ring around my Elmo, I’ll tickle your furry red critter.

  51. Gil said,

    See, now, there was no call for a comment like that. Sheesh, some people.

  52. Gil said,

    What’s that? A fight at the Farmington Fair? C’mon boys, let’s get ready:

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