Splinters

September 23, 2006 at 11:20 pm (Uncategorized)

picture296.jpgSo today, I did the unthinkable. I voluntarily allowed myself to be dragged from one chick store to another. In fact, the whole excursion was my idea. I moved from rack to rack with unrestrained delight and thumbed shirts and blouses with glee. Not once did I complain loudly or try to burn the mall down. Have I gone meterosexual? Am I a blossoming young woman? Am I gay?

Settle down, pumpkin. None of the above. In fact, I’ll openly admit that I became sexually attracted to more than a few mannequins around the stores. Is it me? Or are mannequins hotter than ever these days? Especially the ones that dress all slutty. Those nasty, nasty whores.

But I digress. My flight into effeminacy stemmed not from some hormonal imbalance but from the nature of the season. Halloween is just down the road and around the corner and I find myself in need of a red and white striped shirt. Men don’t wear this particular style of shirt and so I took my chances in the lady stores.

The girly stores are fascinating places. In addition to all the slattern mannequins, there is techno music, spicey aromas and women pressing clothing against other women’s bodies. They spin and ogle each other with the help of five way mirrors. They caress each other and make comments about body lines and busts. These stores are orgies about to happen. So you see, I’m not a meterosexual or burgeoning chick. I’m a lesbian.

But I digress again. I guess what I’m here for is to ask is, shopping? Love it or hate it? And on a completely unrelated topic, do you think it would be a mark of derangement for a grown man to have sexual relations with a store mannequin? A quick response would be appreciated.

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34 Comments

  1. Bobbie said,

    Most days, I can do without shopping, but if it’s a special occasion or the likes, I enjoy it.

    As for your second question, it doesn’t seem strange at all, especially since the question came from you, Mark.

  2. Linda said,

    I’m not sure the mannequins would have the ideal flexibility. Are you mixing them up in your mind with blow up dolls? More of that “fevered fist of imagination”?

    You’ve described shopping pretty well, clearly you are a trained professional observer. Those are all the things I like about it too.

  3. LaFlamme said,

    Ha! You lie. I know nothing of shopping. The whole process seems somehow tribal to me.

  4. Linda said,

    You got the tactile part right. It’s a lot about touching stuff.

  5. LaFlamme said,

    See, I never understood that. Woman are always touching, rubbing and pulling stuff out away from the racks. Guys tend to just sorta look until they decide to pick something up and carry it to the counter. We don’t tend to interact with strange clothing. What’s the psychology there, do you suppose?

  6. Daughtio said,

    Ha, I really hope Corey was with you!

  7. LaFlamme said,

    Oh, yeah. I wouldn’t even be able to find the chick stores on my own.

  8. LaFlamme said,

    Wow, man. Has anyone seen the Steve Irwin video yet? I don’t think the sight of it is as bad as what he says at the very end. Does he say what I think he says?
    http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1945368730233675374&q=steve+irwin&hl=en

  9. jarheaddoc said,

    Asshole

  10. Linda said,

    Psychology? Probably not too complex. Does this feel good? if I put it on, will I feel good?

    During the last ten days I’ve visited two new babies in the family. Sat in a rocking chair with each of the babies and rocked them while they slept. Even though they aren’t my babies to take care of, I was shocked at the reminder of how intense that feels. Sitting here now at home with no babies, I can still almost feel it.

    So when you ask, why do women touch stuff? I think of that. We like to touch stuff therefore our babies are nurtured and survive. I don’t know, been reading jd’s ideas too long I guess. Hi jd, I mean that in the nicest possible way, you know.

  11. jarheaddoc said,

    This might help you with that mannequin fetish, Mark. One bears the name of my ex-wife, but trust me, the guy who made the doll got it right: the damn thing doesn’t talk back to you unless you want it to.

    http://www.realdoll.com/

  12. Mainetarr said,

    I LOVE SHOPPING!!!! There is nothing better than a little retail therapy. That is one of the reasons why this is my favorite time of the year. Not only is it beautiful outside, but it’s time to change over my wardrobe. That’s the best part, because all of last years fashions get passed over to a couple of my buddies and I get to go shopping and refill my closet. It’s tradition. A good buddy of mine does the same thing, only we never shop together so that when we are done, we can compare finds, trade off stuff or go out and grab the exact same outfit our friend bought. It’s fun! And, our single mom pal makes out like a bandit. Win-win. Shopping rocks.

  13. Gil said,

    Window shopping in the Reeperbahn in Hamburg, comparison shopping in the “coffee shops” of Spain and Amsterdam, those are the only kind of shopping worth doing.

  14. LaFlamme said,

    Shopping for love dolls online: priceless.

  15. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, you abandoning shrews. I’m off to the fabric store. They have some FABulous swatches on sale!

  16. Linda said,

    “Abandoning shrews”? Now I’m starting to worry about you! Did you learn that kind of talk out in the boutiques?

  17. Linda said,

    Now about Play-Doh. I know it’s no use to complain to any of you b team people about the Play-Doh article because you all didn’t write it. But — I think the article was seriously flawed in NOT EVEN MENTIONING that there is a new limited edition Play-Doh scented perfume, in celebration of, what is it, the 50th anniversary?

    Play-Doh perfume. Watch for it, Mark, they’ll surely be spritzing it (like that word?) in the lingerie shops and fabric marts. You WILL recognize it when it wafts your way, won’t you?

  18. AO said,

    Who’d want to walk around smelling like Play-Doh? DOH!

  19. Linda said,

    Yeah. They really do have that perfume though. I wonder why?

  20. LaFlamme said,

    Huh. If I became attracted to a woman wearing Play-Doh perfume, I’d wonder about myself. Of course, I wonder about myself all the time as it is. Forget I said anything.

  21. Martha said,

    Just popping in to say hello… Did you think I’d forgotten all of you? I haven’t.. just been busy.
    I love to shop, just never have any money for it. My second favorite thing to do at the mall is people watch. Actually, that’s one of my favorite things to do anywhere.

  22. Mainetarr said,

    I was going to say something like that….what kind of sick bastard buys his wife Play Doh perfume to make her smell like a little kid? Some closet pedophile, that’s who. WTF, if you buy three and send in the box tops you get a teddy bear to lure the kids with too?

    Speaking of perfume and shopping, I got a great deal on Bill Blass at Burlington Coat Factory this weekend. Mark, did you ever end up there? I swear, that’s where the guys in Motor Booty Affair get most of their costumes. THey may have that shirt you’re looking for. I will keep my eyes open, too.

  23. Mainetarr said,

    Hey Martha, nice to see you.

  24. LaFlamme said,

    Embarassingly, the only store that has a shirt close to what I need is Deb’s.

  25. Linda said,

    Hi Martha!

    Do they have it in your size, Mark?

  26. LaFlamme said,

    I didn’t try it on. Hey, maybe I should have. I’ve never been in one of the girly dressing rooms. Do they have fully stocked bars in there?

  27. Linda said,

    Oh yes, and massages are offered in the finer establishments, right, girls?

  28. AO said,

    I have a red and white striped shirt.

  29. Martha said,

    Hi Gail and Linda…. What’s new with everyone up there?… Mark hanging out in girls dressing rooms.. oh, wait.. that isn’t new.

  30. LaFlamme said,

    Whoa, whoa. You have red and white stripes? Not up and down but across? Long sleeve?

  31. JmDx said,

    Um……may we ask what your going to be on Halloween that requires a red and white horizontally striped shirt??!!

  32. Mainetarr said,

    Just wait till you see this getup. This is going to be a great costume.

  33. Gil said,

    Waldo?

  34. brenda said,

    good morning. fabric & clothes shopping-
    I do touch, move it around, hang it here & there so I can compare, match, & imagine,….. I have this process I have to go through in the decision process, I’m designing & planning right there in the store, and what annoys me is when the salesperson comes & starts putting things back in their places before I’ve finished, I usually do put it all back myself, unless the salesperson makes me mad. If the salesperson does that, then I don’t spend my money there that day. I’ll think about it though & maybe come back later if I saw something that really sticks in my mind.

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