While you were sleeping

September 28, 2006 at 1:28 am (Uncategorized)

bedbugs_heritage_marina_hot.jpgFrankly, I don’t know how you live with yourself. Night after night, you lay in the dark with millions of mites, 20 gallons of old sweat, and a zoo of fungus beneath your drool dripping mouth. The fungi you sleep with dine on the dead skin you leave behind on the pillows, blankets and mattress. The mites eat the fungus and then they deposit feces all over the place. You wake with mashed critters and their stools all over your body. So extensive is this menagerie of flora, fauna and excrement, it can add two pounds to the weight of your mattress.

But don’t worry about all those things that skitter and crap along your skin while you sleep the sleep of the unconcerned. The bed bugs are probably worse. These creatures — there may be thousands of them in there with you — are a quarter inch long. They are oval-shaped, wingless and light brown. Only they turn a deeper rust color after slurping your blood while you sleep. The bed bugs have six legs, a squat head and large antennae. They have massive mandibles so that they might better clamp down on your sleeping flesh.

tick01.jpgThe soup of your bed is heated to a beautifully habitable 98.6 degrees. It’s a virtual jungle there in your sheets where you spend your most intimate and vulnerable moments. It’s amazing you don’t hear it squish when you lay down. Try not to think too much tonight about all the cracking and oozing and buzzing beneath your tired skin.

You really are quite nasty. Get the hell out of bed and take a shower, you disgusting thing, you. And don’t forget to brush your teeth. That’s it, get those molars way back there and don’t forget to brush your tongue. Just remember one thing while you’re at it: every time you flush your toilet, millions of germs from the bowl are sprayed across the room. You wouldn’t believe how many of them land on that toothbrush you put in your mouth every day. You really are kind of vile.

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65 Comments

  1. Daughtio said,

    Gee, thanks for that.

  2. jarheaddoc said,

    But I have learned to accept me for who I am and be comfortable with that, you judgmental prick

  3. Linda said,

    Mark, what’s all this “you you you”? If you can stand it, we can stand it!

  4. AO said,

    Gawd. This is disgusting. I’m never sleeping again.

  5. Arby said,

    Yuck!

  6. K2 said,

    Bed bugs are making a huge comeback. And they’re almost impossible to eliminate, since they feed only a few times a year, and hide safely the rest of the time.

    I have read that it’s better to NOT make your bed (see, mom?!?), since if you make it right after awakening, you lock in the moisture, creating a petri dish of nasties for the following night. It’s better to leave the sheets off, to air out the stagnation.

    Good night, and don’t let the bed bugs bite.

  7. Mainetarr said,

    Oprah had a show about cleanliness once where she had this woman who was a total pig on. The chick hadn’t changed her sheets in literally months!! Just imagine what was crawling around in there. They found dried dog poop between the sheets she was sleeping on. DRIED, mind you. So it had been there for a long time. That’s just gross.

  8. Oopsy said,

    I read in some newspaper ( :>) last week about the recent recurrence of bedbugs. You can pick them up in hotels and bring them home with you, and then, it is REALLY hard to get rid of them. The word was, dont put your luggage on the bed, where bugs might get in and take a ride home with you. And if you wake up after a night in a hotel with some itchy red spots, well, you guessed it…….

    As for the mites, what I cant see or smell I aint gonna lose sleep over. Now, I think I’ll go home and change the sheets! All that cat dander aint good for me.

  9. eden_eve said,

    Well thanks alot. I finally decide to make a come back and you ruin the only thing I enjoy since getting pregnant….Thanks Mark.

    Hi to all!!!

  10. jarheaddoc said,

    Just remember, handwashing is the single most important means of preventing the spread of infection

  11. LaFlamme said,

    Back in my single day, it was late night bar pick ups you had to worry about appearing in the sheets. Now this.

  12. K2 said,

    Plus, the dreaded cum razors. Man, who knew fructose could harden into a dagger?

    You can say ‘cum’ in this blog, right? Come on!

  13. LaFlamme said,

    I’m not sure. I’ll have to run it by the committee, get a ruling. In the meantime, you’re on probationary status wherein you have to come up with alternative terms for seminal matter. Such as jizz. Or spunk.

  14. Linda said,

    Let me cast my vote, it’s fine with me, he can say whatever he wants to say. Such creativity it’s just SO entertaining.

    I mean, this isn’t the SJ, you know?

  15. LaFlamme said,

    Ha! I was kidding. Say anything you want in here. Confess to deviant sexual practices, for all I care. In fact, I encourage it.

  16. oopsy said,

    Well, those late night bar pickups are probably carrying more into your bed than any little biting bug!

  17. LaFlamme said,

    Clearly, I’ve said too much already.

  18. K2 said,

    Then a serving of man oysters for all the ladies, no charge.

    I took my wife out last Friday night for our 17-year anniversary of being together (we’ve been married nine), and her mother watched our kids here. When we got back around midnight, I undressed (easy, jd) down to my boxers (no tighty whities for this guy), and sat on my bed, only to feel my ass get soaked. I got up, and noticed that my side was drenched in a clear mystery liquid. Didn’t smell like pee, but it very well could have been — from the dog, kids or both. Of course, my mother-in-law had no clue. Fun.

  19. K2 said,

    I had two fraternity brothers get the clap from the same chick, a day apart. We all knew they had it when they went pee — AHHHHHHHH!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!

    By the way, LaFlamme, how is your white count?

  20. LaFlamme said,

    I haven’t counted yet today. takes me forever.

  21. jarheaddoc said,

    K2, you are SOOOOOO yesterday, so don’t flatter yourself. You are little more than a bucket of monkey spunk to me. And the reason your MIL had no idea about the ‘spot’ on your bed is because I paid her enough to lie to you. And I still had money left to pay the tolls to get home.

  22. LaFlamme said,

    Well, depending on what the phantom bed puddle really was, it may have added millions of new life forms to the already vibrant mattress ecosystem.

  23. jarheaddoc said,

    Some of the people on ship just did not get the message about wrapping their rascals and you guessed, Mr. Clap reared his ugly head. We used to sit them on the bench, outside sick call, with two needles in their hands, one of penicillin, one of probenicid, so that everyone would know what would happen to them should they not heed our adivce to wear a raincoat in the shower. One needle in each asscheek and it made a beleiver out of a good many of them.

    That and having their liberty secured.

  24. jarheaddoc said,

    I’ll give you a clue, K2: two words: snail trails.

  25. oopsy said,

    Vibrant mattress ecosystem – I really find that phrase to be a great example of descriptive writing. I wonder if the EPA has done any comparison studies?

  26. K2 said,

    Oh, I have two layers of foam on top of the mattres to give the microbes a better growth matrix. Of course, both foam spooge blotters are outside, bleaching in the sun.

    I’m not far away from buying one of those Tempur-Pedic dolls. Pure spage-age foam delight.

    And jd, I know you beat off into the fireplace, just to hear the *sssst* sizzling sound. I mean, that’s just plain weird.

  27. LaFlamme said,

    I’ve been involved with at least two women who were deathly afraid of sponges. Not the birth control sponges, but the standard, household kind. What’s up with that, anyway?

  28. Gil said,

    By the way MT, Sunspots pulled your remark. Lame. Are you kidding? they can’t take a little ball humor? Get it K2, “little ball”?

  29. K2 said,

    I had a feeling the Fun Police would bust the scene in there. Typical putts.

    Sponges aren’t very hygenic in the kitchen or S&M attic. Paper towels are more sanitary, albeit more wasteful. You just can’t fucking win, man.

    Actually, my wife made me get rid of my dishwasher — threw her right out of the house.

  30. K2 said,

    Oh, MT’s booted again, for sure. All because she asked me if my balls were wrinkled. It’s a fair question, really.

    As Dean Wormer said, “NO FUN OF ANY KIND!”

    BTW, d’you know that they chose him for that role, based on his performance in The Outlaw Josey Wales? The scene where he says, “Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining, Senator,” sealed the deal. Ivan Reitman was like, That’s our Dean Wormer right there.

    And his daughter in Animal House is Maggie in Caddyshack. The Irish accent is faker than Gil’s prosthetic phallus.

  31. Linda said,

    All my “standard household sponges” go in the microwave. They terrify me too.

    I’m telling you, they just can’t take a joke over at the SJ.

    And BTW now I know why jd likes his fireplace so much …

  32. LaFlamme said,

    Wow, did they really yank those remarks? That’s friggin lame, man.

  33. AO said,

    It’s the Sun Urinal. They are, for the most part, lame.

  34. K2 said,

    Yeah, it’s not like MT wrote, “Hey you golf fag, do you put balls in your mouth? Wake up with a 9-iron in your ass.”

    And even then, they should let it slide. I mean, golf is boring enough as it is.

    Now the question remains, who complained? Gee, I wonder who would do such a thing? . . .

  35. LaFlamme said,

    Furthermore, it had to be somebody who reads Sunspots. *snicker*

  36. K2 said,

    You’re just jealous of the content in there. Top notch, Danny, top notch.

  37. AO said,

    People actually read Sunspots? Huh.

  38. K2 said,

    Hey, I only wrote Cum Blots because my dad keeps giving me bags upon bags of golf balls that he finds due to his insatiable hunt for them on the course, and they’re taking up space in my basement. Then my attorney-friend in Winthrop gave me 20 golf shirts he didn’t want. I’ve already got enough shirts, but I took them to be nice. Now I just want to get rid of ’em.

    And the Lewiston coach hasn’t returned my phone call from yesterday. I’ve got to make some more calls tomorrow.

    I’m like Elaine trying to unload muffin stump here.

  39. AO said,

    K2, maybe you could unload some of your balls on my husband. He’s not that big of a golfer but, he does like to chuck golf balls at bats. Not baseball bats but, the winged creatures.

  40. LaFlamme said,

    …K2, maybe you could unload some of your balls on my husband…
    Claaaaaaaaaaassic

  41. MT is the AntiChrist said,

    I did, I had those remarks removed. I have the pwer to do that, as you can see, and I’ll do it again until every last one of you is banned and only my views get through! You turned your backs on me and this is the only way I can get back at each of you. I’ll get you and yor little dog, too!

    Dan

  42. MT is the AntiChrist said,

    Crap, pressed enter bfore I erased my name

  43. Linda said,

    He throws golf balls at bats? that sounds helpful.

  44. LaFlamme said,

    The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

  45. AO said,

    Dan, Dan, Dan. Will you never stop? Come on over and I’ll let my husband use you for bat practice.

  46. AO said,

    Linda, it’s really helpful when you’re trying to dislodge a bat from a wall you can’t get near because you have too much crap in the way. His crap, not mine.

  47. K2 said,

    Wait a second, AO. Bats are our friends. They eat mosquitos. Up to a hundred a night. I adre flying mammals.

  48. AO said,

    I don’t have a problem with them when they’re outside eating mosquitos but, I DO have a problem with them flying around inside my house.

  49. jarheaddoc said,

    How the hell do those things get in your house? How the hell do you stay warm with that many holes in your house?

  50. Linda said,

    I only ever had one bat in the house. My dog and I raised such hell about it, that none have dared to enter since. Or else my husband found them first and got them out, not sure which. I get the bugs out, he gets the bats out. It’s how we’ve stayed married so long I guess.

  51. Linda said,

    Yes what’s up with that? do you have some kind of bat bait in there?

  52. K2 said,

    Sonar, so good.

  53. AO said,

    Well, you see, JD, down here in the projects, we get ourselve’s lot’s of critters. Bats, rats, roaches. Not to mention the crack heads.

    I don’t know how the hell I get them. Lot’s of woods around my house. If anyone has an explanation, I’d LOVE to hear it. These things are driving me batty. ūüôā

  54. jarheaddoc said,

    Maybe they just want to nest in your hair, with the rats

  55. Linda said,

    My barn is full of bats and swallows and spiders. I never go in there. And if you walk through “downtown Wilton” at dusk, you do have to duck the flying bats. that’s the only time I ever wear a hat.

  56. LaFlamme said,

    And the bat’s in the cradle with the silver spoon. Little boy blue and the…
    Obviously, I have nothing intelligent to contribute to this conversation.

  57. AO said,

    Maybe they just found out that your hole-tel was full.

  58. For AO, from the buddhist said,

    Squeaking, flying rat
    Rabid, scary, full of lore
    Get out of my house

  59. Gil said,

    Here ya go K2, Tim explains religion, I think
    http://www.americanfilms.com/play.cfm?clipid=1067

  60. AO said,

    Thank you, buddihst. I needed that because, I have yet another bat in my basement. Bastards.

  61. LaFlamme said,

    Christ, are you still with us AO? Did you get et?

  62. AO said,

    Nope, not yet.

  63. Mainetarr said,

    The antichrist? Screw you, you fat bastard. Go back to Dunkin Donuts you freak.

    Bats in the basement suck. Fuggin flying mice. I hate bats. I was driving my motorcycle, years ago, and hit a bat. It was on my chest, flapping around as I was flying down the road. Almost killed me, that gross little turd. Have I mentioned I hate bats?

    So, my comments on the Sun Urinal got pulled, eh? They still show up for me on my end over here. Man, they just can’t take a joke. Not like I asked if they were hairy or anything. I am surprised I didn’t get a nasty e-mail from Eric. Did they my comment to Gil too? What, I can’t hook up with Gil in the corner if I want to? Geesh, they need to lighten up. Ah, to heck with them. Come here Gil….there are corners we can sneak away to in the Lost Sole, too. That way we can talk balls and not get censored.

  64. Mainetarr said,

    oops, did they pull my comment is what I was trying to ask? I got all excited about the ball talk and lost my head (no pun intended).

  65. Gil said,

    Yeah, they pulled all your comments. Those candy-asses couldn’t handle an innuendo, and it’s obvious someone must have told them what it meant. I mean, they obviously don’t have any balls, so why would they get a ball joke?

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