September 29, 2006 at 1:03 am (Uncategorized)

kid_20and_20beer_small.jpgThere’s a story that goes around my tiny and demented family about my first drinking experience. Apparently I was around three years old and some yahoo had me drink scotch for sheer entertainment. As the story goes, I immediately went out and crashed my Big Wheel and then tried to get three bigger boys to fight me. Ah, is there anything so adorable as a toddler with a buzz?

The following story was sent in by AO. It reminded me of the various things my brother subjected me to when we were kids. He never got me liquored up, anyway. Drunken bastard was too cheap with his stolen hootch to share with his younger sibling. I’m still bitter about it.

Three-Year-Old Found Passed Out Drunk

Girl’s 14-Year-Old’s Brother Arrested After Incident
The girl was unconscious when she was taken to a hospital after her
sister called police Monday night, police spokesman Lt. Greg Reinhardt said. “The child could have easily died,” he said.
She was recovering and had been released to a children’s home by Wednesday morning. The girl’s teenage brother was arrested Tuesday on suspicion of child endangerment, Reinhardt said. He said neglect or abuse appeared to have caused the girl’s condition, rather than accidental alcohol poisoning. Police would not release further details on the boy and any court proceedings because he is a juvenile.
The girl’s blood alcohol level was 0.12 percent, authorities said. Minnesota law considers drivers drunk when their blood alcohol level Is 0.08 percent.
About one ounce of 40-proof liquor would cause that blood-alcohol level in a 3-year-old child of average weight, about 28 pounds. Kirk Hughes of the Minnesota Poison Control System said one ounce would
be about two mouthfuls for such a child. Reinhardt said police don’t know what kind of hard liquor the girl drank. Reinhardt said the girl’s mother was not home at the time.



  1. Bobbie said,

    It does make you wonder about that family. How does a 14 year old have access to
    the booze when mom is away? What does it say about the family if the 14 year old thought it was funny to see his younger sister drunk? Atleast the middle child had enough sense to call for help.

    Interestingly enough, there is no mention of dad. Will mom’s excuse be that she is a single parent working 3 jobs to support her family, but has no time for them? Only time will tell.

  2. Mainetarr said,

    What a kid, huh? I bet he likes to hurt animals and start fires too. You have a good point Bobbie. I wonder who will be blamed for this.

  3. Gil said,

    My mom was a single mom raising three kids and working a lot to support us and we managed to find the booze all by ourselves.

  4. jarheaddoc said,

    There is absolutely nothing funny about an underage person who is drunk

  5. K2 said,

    The kid’s a frickin’ lightweight. My 3-year-old has a warm, double rye whiskey every morning before Little Ensteins. And my 1-year-old? She’s more into apéritifs.

  6. K2 said,

    Cripes, everybody’s passed out in here. Can’t handle our roofies, can we?

  7. K2 said,

    Is it just me, or does Guay’s accuser look like the fat kid in ‘The Goonies’?

  8. LaFlamme said,

    I’m with Gil. Back in the day, parents didn’t have to lock their liquor away in gun lockers and rig them with complex alarm systems. For all you get from this story, the 14 year old could have spotted a couple wine coolers way back with the mayoniasse.

  9. AO said,

    Do ya mean Chunk, K2?

  10. LaFlamme said,

    Dammit, I never saw the Goonies. I can’t play.

  11. Linda said,

    THAT’S who she looks like! Didn’t someone say she was hot? So then, is Chunk hot?

  12. LaFlamme said,

    Hot or not, I’m taking bets that within a month, paper work will be filed to begin the process of a civil suit.

  13. AO said,

    You’ve never seen this, Mark”

  14. jarheaddoc said,

    In order, one of Dan’s personas called her a whore looking for a bigger paycheck, my mind does (fuzzily) recall Chunk and the likeness, and no bet: even OJ was civilly responsible.

  15. jarheaddoc said,

    Personally, I would have gone with a likeness of an adult cabbage patch kid.

  16. LaFlamme said,

    Ah, yes. I DO remember the Family Guy spoof of the Goonies. Were the two Coreys in that? Haim and Feldman?

  17. AO said,

    No idea.

  18. LaFlamme said,

    But back to kiddie drinking. Aren’t old-school grandmas known to treat the young one’s toothaches and other maladies with good old whiskey?

  19. AO said,

    The old Italian’s used to feed babies wine if they couldn’t sleep. Or so I’ve been told.

  20. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, better than Nyquil. That shit will give you Kafka dreams.

  21. AO said,

    Nyquil is bad stuff. It keeps me awake instead of putting me to sleep.

  22. LaFlamme said,

    I knew a guy who drank Robitussen cough syrup recreationally. He sweat like a bastard and couldn’t form coherent sentences, but you never heard the dude cough.

  23. AO said,

    I don’t even like to take that crap when I am sick. Gawd, just the taste of it makes me even sicker. But, hey, what ever gets you by.

  24. K2 said,

    In an early scene in Dicken’s ‘A Tale of Two Cities,’ a wine cask gets accidentally spilled in the street, and all the French peasants run to it and take rags to soak the wine out of the cobbletone crevices — and one mother rings out the wine into her baby’s mouth.

    If it was okay during the French Revolution, then it’s okay now. I think. Maybe. Okay, probably not.

  25. Bobbie said,

    If you look at most medications, you will find that they contain approximately 10% ALCOHOL, which includes medication for children. The stuff to numb the gums usually has alcohol in it as well. We are legally starting our kids out to be drunks, whether we realize it or not.

  26. K2 said,

    I got loaded on vanilla extract many a time.

  27. jarheaddoc said,

    But that’s MEDICINAL alcohol, Bobbie, not recreational (sarcasm intended and most probably understood anyways)

  28. Linda said,

    Anybody else old enough to remember paregoric? In the old days they’d rub it on babies’ gums for teething, or even spoon a little in sometimes. Morphine, camphor and anise oil. Tasted lousy but smelled SO GOOD.

  29. jarheaddoc said,

    I can recall some stuff called Uncle John’s that my mother gave me and it made me yarf everywhere. I have not trusted any medicine that comes in a brown bottle since. They are obviously hiding something if they have to make the containe opaque

  30. Linda said,

    Uncle Johns — dark mustardy brown color? Very strong smell? I remember it. Yarfing was never part of my physical strategy, but I bet it was REAL attractive in a regurgitated puddle. Yuck, now I don’t think I want any dinner.

  31. AO said,

    When I was a kid my mother gave me Cherocol D. I loved that stuff! I think they had to ban it because of some of the ingrediants.

  32. jarheaddoc said,

    Glad I could help you with your diet, Linda.

  33. K2 said,

    God, I love morphine. So numbingly wonderful.

    I actually have my great-grandfather’s morphine license from the early 20th century. A doctor, he died from catching the Spanish flu from patients in 1918.

    So, who else got caught stealing their mom’s Percocets back in the day? Little tablitos of goodness, those dolls.

    And T.O. can’t handle Vicodins? What a sally gaggle. You need at least three to four of those for proper effect.

    Not that your liver appreciates it. Damn pharmaceutical companies knowingly throw in all that acetaminophen to punish abusers’ livers, especially those who drink on ’em.

  34. AO said,

    I prefer “mother’s little helpers” , K2.

  35. Linda said,

    I never found anything in a pill form that I liked better than the little helpers you inhale.

  36. AO said,

    Linda, snort or inhale? Ha.

  37. Linda said,

    Well I’ve had much better luck with the latter.

  38. Linda said,

    OK now I am pissed off. I just read that dumbass Congressman Foley was CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSE CAUCUS ON MISSING AND EXPLOITED CHILDREN. Can you believe it? Yes, I’m sure you can. Friggen hippocrite. Resignation is nowhere near bad enough.

  39. Bobbie said,

    Unless someone else other than the parents of the boy decide to pursue this matter, nothing else will be done to Foley because he has resigned.

    I knew a guy who would take up to 20 Vicodin at a time and then down a fifth of Canadian Mist (if not more) on top of that. It took quite a bit to mess him up.

  40. AO said,

    Is he still alive?

  41. LaFlamme said,

    Ah, we’re talking Valium and Vicodin? Where’s the party?

  42. K2 said,

    I’ll take the oxycodone in percs over the hydrocondone in vics anyday. Or so I’ve read.

    And for the record, I’m officially against purple weed, unless it’s from the source in Hawaii. Just never had any good Northeastern-grown purple. Junk, plain and simple.

  43. Daughtio said,

    Dadio…are you getting my e-mails?!?!

  44. LaFlamme said,

  45. LaFlamme said,

    AC broken at SJ. Very hot. Starting to hallucinate. It’s a nice break in the day.

  46. Daughtio said,

    You get em yet?

  47. K2 said,

    Oh, he’s got ’em. Crabs, right? No? Oh, never mind.

  48. LaFlamme said,

    Not in twenty years! I mean: what?

  49. Mainetarr said,

    Linda, I have a bottle of paragoric that was in my parents medicine cabinet. That is what, I was told, was used on me when I was teething. No wonder I am brain dead.

  50. Mainetarr said,

    After calling my Aunt, she also told me it was used to treat belly aches and diarrhea, too. Looking it up on google, it says it was used to calm fretful children. I bet it calmed them.

  51. LaFlamme said,

    I am a fretful child.

  52. Mainetarr said,

    Oh, you are fretful alright. You find your striped shirt yet?

  53. LaFlamme said,

    Friggin, no. Got some leads. AO’s drug supplier has something that might work. There’s a shirt at Deb’s that might work. And one online that might work.

  54. Linda said,

    Do you go through this every Halloween? I mean is it part of the fun for you?

    I’m just asking.

  55. Mainetarr said,

    He’s a freak, no question about that, Linda.

    BTW Mark, Treehugger thought we were the ones who did up his house. LOL

  56. Gil said,

    K2 you need to try some good old Gainesville (Fla) green. Hardcore creeper that will leave you drooling, or so I’ve heard.

  57. Gil said,

    And here’s what happens when the kid gets a little older thanks to alcohol
    Liquor gives ya rhythm.

  58. Bobbie said,

    The guy is still alive, but has since moved on to other things like percocet (he can go thru 240+ in a week), transdermal patches and whatever his wife is willing to share with him over the course of the month, like time released morphine pills. His major complaint? Severe arthritis, which I know can be quite painful, but he’s also found a doctor in the LA area who is willing to feed his (and his wife’s) addiction to prescription meds without any questions.

    On another note, spent some time sitting in front of a really good bonfire last night relaxing with friends. Got to meet some nice people and a good time was had by all-we even made s’mores.

  59. K2 said,

    Bobbie, have that fellow send half his meds to me, c/o LaFlamme. Thanks.

    Gil, first, that kid frickin’ rocks. Too cool. I’ve got both my kids on the keys, not that they can play anything yet, but, man, do I hope they become musicians on some level.

    Second, I had GG back in the day. Had a roomate in the fraternity who was from the Orlando area. In fact, it was the neighborhood they filmed ‘Parenthood’ in. Kid looked exactly like Balky, so his nickname was — Balky. Ended up loosing his marbles for the most part and ended out in one of RIT’s sports fields one night, in his truck, having a nervous breakdown. He came back, but eventually dropped out. A smart, funny kid who just had some serious issues.

    Anyhow, he was a heavy doper, and he scored me some in ’89, I think. Me like long time. Again, when you find some, send half to me, again, c/o LaFlamme.

    And somebody remind me again why grass is illegal?

  60. K2 said,

    I read the Star Tribune for Vikings news, and saw an update on this story:

  61. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, I stand corrected. This mother might not be up for the Florence Henderson award.

  62. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, NOW I know why people keep sending me bales of weed in the mail. I haven’t had a coherent thought in days. I see in chocolate.

  63. Bee said,

    I finally had to write to thank you for all of you descriptive memories that I have to chuckle and see you that teenager from my home town. I never hear you talk about the ole 7eleven or scum field hehehehe…..did i miss it? I thank you for the wonderful piece about our common departed friend in the everafter too!!! You continue to make my morning coffee extra enjoyable. Do you still hear from R.G or K?

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