Wishes and buts

September 30, 2006 at 12:20 am (Uncategorized)

jeannie.jpgIt happens every spring. The birds are out and the grass is turning green. Scantily clad women are washing cars and the last of the snowbanks have died screaming wet deaths. I’ve got the fever. I know what I want and nothing can stop me from getting it. Yet year after year, in spite of the craving that consumes me like fever, decades of springtimes have passed and I still don’t have a goddamn motorcycle.

I mean it. Every year when the mud dries and the pot holes have been fixed, I start looking around at the gleaming bikes and their deliriously happy riders. And every year, spring fades to summer and summer to fall and I’m still driving a machine with a roof, four wheels and doors.

For many years, I was just way, way too reckless to have a bike. I had the fever, but I was also smart enough to know that it was laced with immaturity and a tendancy to do the wrong thing. Who wants to get scraped off a curb and be forever known as the guy whose leg took three hours to find?

After that it was just not finanically practical. Then it wasn’t practical for other reasons. Now in the spring, I just go to the department stores and sit on the little toy motorcycles out front. A quarter buys me a minute of back and forth action and when I make vroom noises, I can almost feel the wind in my hair. Then the security guy comes and he’s a real dink about it. That bastard probably never got a puppy when he was a kid and that’s why he’s so mean.

So, I dedicate this space to all the things we’ve desired but never obtained. A pony, a model airplane, a real airplane. A ventriloquist puppet, a treehouse, a unicycle. A hot tub, a trophy wife, a bottle of Chateux Lafite. There’s always next year, my friends. Keep rubbing the genie bottle and maybe Barbara Eden will appear.

And while I’m at it, wasn’t Major Nelson an absolute moron?



  1. Linda said,

    What about if you had something and loved it unreasonably, and now you don’t have it any more? I had the best shower in the world for seven years. It was ridiculously big, you could practically walk around in it, plenty of room for two. The spray head was perfect and since we had a huge water heater, I could stay in as long as I liked. There were shelves for all my stuff, and I could bring a mug of coffee in with me and not get it wet. There was even a place to sit. It was a great place to finish waking up. Translucent glass walls, too, ideal for the claustrophobe.

    It was the perfect shower and if my bathroom were big enough, I’d build one just like it.

    Aside from that, I pretty much have everything I want.

  2. LaFlamme said,

    Dammit, Linda! Now you’ve added another item to my want list. Where is that damn genie, anyway?

  3. Mainetarr said,

    Hmmmmm, that’s a tough one. I really think I have everything I want now, but you know, a house in the country surrounded by trees would be nice. But, I am working on that as we speak. Just put a bid on a house Friday, so I guess I will get there sooner or later. I guess if I had a chance to rub a magic lantern (put that away Gil, that’s not magic and I’m not rubbing it again) I would wish for good health for me, my friends and family.

  4. Gil said,

    I told you MT that you have to rub it longer & faster to make the genie cum, I mean, come out. Then you get your wish.
    Put me down for bike as well Mark. Years since I had one, and that was a crappy one. Now I find that I am just too busy to justify spending that kind of money for something I can only use for a few months a year and that I never have time for anyway.
    Besides, it would eat into my hooker and crack fund.
    MT, did they ban you on the Sun Urinal again, or just remove your posts?
    Well, off to work. Gotta hit a place in North Conway so I don’t have to go there next week during the fair.

  5. K2 said,

    Motorcycle riders are 67 times more likey to die in a traffic fatality than automobile drivers. Gil, you play poker — you gonna fuck with those odds?

    Sure, they are fun. But they’re simply dangerous as hell.

    I really want one of those kick-ass synthetic putting greens that Tiger has, but they’re like over 10K.

    Also always wanted some horses. But I guess I’m just a neighsayer.

    And that ’73 emerald green four-door old diplomat-immunity-looking Mercedes on the Lisbon/Lewiston border. Only 4K. Yeah, ‘only’ . . .

    And Mark, no mention of the ‘copter? Huey LaFlamme and the Booze?

  6. AO said,

    Hell, I just don’t want to have to go and paint my mother’s garage today. Ah, well, duty beckons.

  7. K2 said,

    Hey, when you’re done, come over and stain my deck and stairs. I’ve been putting it off for, well, about two years now.

  8. AO said,

    Sure. I’ll be right over, K2. I’ll bring the fam damily. Just be sure to have lot’s of cold beer!

  9. K2 said,

    I just cracked a warm Heineken. Figured I’d change the oil in my riding mower, and that kind of work demands barley juice.

    Work on. . . .

  10. LaFlamme said,

    I’d settle for an on-road/off-road bike like I had eons ago. Tool around the pits and trails and only occasionally ride the streets with it. You’ll increase your chances of tailbone injuries that way, but you probably won’t die.

  11. LaFlamme said,

    Oh, sure. If you’re talking major league wants, I can come up with a few. A boat would be nice. I don’t know shit about boats, but I want one like your standard rock star has. Maybe Tommy Lee will sell me his.

  12. LaFlamme said,

    A fantastically creepy castle would be cool, too. See Young Frankenstein for further details.

  13. Linda said,

    A creepy Transylvanian castle. Just think of the parties you could throw!!

  14. LaFlamme said,

    Better believe it. You can check out any time you’d like. And whatnot.

  15. Mainetarr said,

    Well, I guess the more I think about it, the more I would like a barn full of really good race horses. That would be the ultimate.

    Gil- I am banned again. Ha! My feelings are so hurt, I just don’t know what I’ll do!?! Fuggin Sun Urinal. It was pretty funny though….

  16. Linda said,

    It’s probably the most fun that Sunspots blog has ever seen. And I’m glad I got to read it before it disappeared.

    SJ / SU doesn’t really have the blog thing going on. Brief flashes of mania followed by long stretches of tedium. We’d LIKE to play nice with them but they make it kind of hard.

  17. AO said,

    Jeezum, whenever you feel like you’ve got it bad, think about this poor guy.


  18. Linda said,

    That was one unlucky man!

    Garage all painted, AO?

  19. AO said,

    All painted except for some trim. I was going to head out to K2’s and stain his deck but, it’s starting to get dark and chilly. So, he’ll have to wait till another day.

  20. Gil said,

    I’m pretty sure that K2 has stained his own deck a time or two.
    Whatever that means

  21. AO said,

    I’m sure you’re right, Gil. Hmm…makes me wonder what else he’s stained?

  22. K2 said,

    AO, you bitch (kidding), you made me feel lI had to work to, so I went out and rented a pressure washer to prep my deck, and the damn thing was broken! Had to return it and get another one. I was very pleased with that situation. So pleased, I threw an empty beer bottle in my rage, and it hit the car and put a ding in it. Anger really gets you places in this world. At least it’s on the utlitarian Subaru, and not our new Honda. Still, god fucking dammit.

    I’ve been outside for hours cleaning my deck and the god-awful vinyl siding. Damn north face gets all mossy like Gil’s sphincter. I’m more soaked than LaFlamme’s panties.

    Anyhow, I had a the impulse to wash the deck, stain it, and then rinse-no-vac our elephant-placental-afterbirth carpet. Needless to say, all I got done was the power washing, and technically, I ain’t even totally done with that yet. As Homer once said, ‘Never try.’

    This is all AO’s fault, I want you to know.

    And MT, you’re banned again? Man, they really have some senstive vulvas over at the SJ.

  23. K2 said,

    My grammar bad long time.

  24. Linda said,

    K2, you got an elephant in the middle of your living room? And I thought there was nothing you wouldn’t talk about.

  25. shoe horn said,

    he said an elephant- placenta- afterbirth – someone had a baby elephant born there?

  26. AO said,

    Aww, K2, sorry to hear about the car.

  27. jarheaddoc said,

    K2, a term that applies to the people over at the SJ is hemmorrhagic vaginitis. You know enough medical terminology to understand it.

  28. LaFlamme said,

    So I went to an apple orchard this afternoon and came home with three mice. Don’t ask, man. I’m just not used to the wholesome shit and I never know what is proper behavior.

  29. Linda said,

    Mice — like bats but without the wings?

  30. AO said,

    I went to a tree farm once and came home with a mouse. Bat’s, mice=yuck.

  31. Linda said,

    Well I saw a snake today, but it was a little one; and some loons. That’s all the wildlife tales I have to tell.

  32. Gil said,

    I took my bald-headed mouse to the cathouse once and…
    I got nothing

  33. shoe horn said,

    on yahoo photos there’s a pic of a snake full of fresh pregnant ewe, can’t move, can’t even shut it’s mouth- have you seen it? yuck

  34. AO said,

    I STILL have a bat…somewhere in my house.

    Gil, sounds like a personal problem to me but, I may be wrong.

  35. Linda said,

    No really Gil, that was pure poetry.

  36. LaFlamme said,

    It really was, Gil. Very pretty. Assertive, yet not offensively so. Bold, yet not aloof. Rotund, yet somehow…
    I also have nothing.

  37. Linda said,

    Mark, are you peeking in the window over here? That’s a perfect description of this wine I’m drinking. Although, on second thought, it may be just a TINY bit aloof.

  38. LaFlamme said,

    If it’s just a little bit aloof, it can almost be called “intrepid,” which is good.
    I love wine tasting affairs. No matter what I drink, I like to spit into the bucket and announce: “bat urine!”

  39. Linda said,

    And you know what bat urine tastes like … how?

  40. Linda said,

    Or is it just a metaphor? (here’s hoping)

    • Agatha said,

      I love your fashion ch!icesoI have a question tho- are you still a student? I thought you graduated way back before summer for some reason lol

    • how much should car ins cost in Morgantown said,

      she saves her $ because she knows it won’t last forever but for right now, she’s relishing in the profitable attention. Can’t hate on her that. Plus she has her own style & look to boot.

  41. LaFlamme said,

    I seldom talk about my experiences in the congo.

  42. Linda said,

    So what are you saying Mark — you saw the movie at the drive in and a bat flew in the window? Sorry to be so inquisitive but, well, I’m a little stressed out because I just found out that the world cup cricket is going to be pay-per-view not free. Looking for something to distract myself.

  43. LaFlamme said,

    That utterly confused me. Mice? Bats? Cricket? What is this, Animal Kingdom?

  44. Bobbie said,

    Cricket is an English game. Ask Linda for more of the rules and regulations because to me, it doesn’t make much sense at all. Maybe one of these days, I’ll sit down and figure it out for myself.

  45. KDS said,

    Dude, all you need is a decent scooter. It’s not as drenched in testosterone as a motorcycle, maybe, but you get the wind in your hair and get to live with no doors, a ceiling, and no seatbelt while also minimizing your risk of death by dismemberment. I love my Yamaha Zuma.

    I owned the ventriloquist doll– Charlie McCarthy. His charm wore off much faster than I would have thought. The tree house was never high enough off the ground, lived next to a friend with a hot tub and used that thing every day for two months, though. A scooter and access to a hot tub were two of this life’s graces, to be sure.

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