Valley of the dolls

October 1, 2006 at 12:21 am (Uncategorized)

2285eyan.jpgMattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Maine Market. I’m planning a protest of some sort because Lewiston has been completely excluded. We’re talking “crack gaunt 17-year-old single mother Barbie, with with meth splotches on her face and a cigarette dangling from her lips as she strolls her two infants down Park Street. Lewiston Barbie turns the occasional trick, swears a lot while blowing smoke in her kids’ faces and will loudly explain why life had dealt her a bad hand.”

Falmouth Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at exclusive Portland stores. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift.
Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.

Yarmouth Barbie
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Westbrook Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

Cape Elizabeth Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer h3. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

Waterville Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she’s drunk. Purchuse her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

SugarLoaf Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge. Optional Percocet prescription available.

Old Orchard Beach Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Newport Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes lowrise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player.

Portland Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow”. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Portland Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

Farmington Barbie
This Barbie comes with her own mountain bike. Available with SUV, complete with Kayak on the roof and dog in the back. Optional Ken doll also comes with his own mountain bike and dog.

Biddeford Barbie
This Barbie is only 14 and comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Augusta Barbie
This chain smoking, beer chugging model has a low rise jeans complete with muffin tops, for that extra something to hold on to. She drives a 1995 Ford Probe, and thinks she can dance better then you can. She comes complete with drug-dealing Ken, who doesn’t have a car or his license b/c he’s on probation. Navel piercing sold separately.

Bangor Barbie*
This Barbie comes with tangled hair and missing teeth. She is sporting LA Gear sneakers, Tapered Jeans and a BUM equipment belly shirt. Bangor Barbie is also available with bearded Ken who serves as her cousin/boyfriend.
*Note* Bangor Barbie also comes with her own half gallon of Allen’s Coffee Brandy and can only be purchased at The Tavern located next to the Grayhound station!

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68 Comments

  1. Linda said,

    Ha! Too funny! Great stuff for “So you think you know Maine?”

    The Farmington Barbie also needs the optional violin or flute. Gotta have that.

  2. LaFlamme said,

    What does Wilton Barbie have? The only time I’ve been to Wilton was to cover a murder. Two guys snuck in an old guy’s house, beat him to death and stole his beer. So I suppose you could have Alibi Barbie. No matter what you’ve done, she’ll swear you were with her.

  3. LaFlamme said,

    Turner Barbie. You can’t really tell if it’s a doll. I mean, it LOOKS like a doll. Sort of. But it’s… I dunno, it could be something entirely unknown. Only extensive media coverage and costly DNA tests will prove that Turner Barbie is, in fact, a doll.

  4. LaFlamme said,

    Vassalboro Barbie. No sense in describing this doll. You’ll never be able to find it.

  5. shoe horn said,

    there’s no Lewiston Barbie because the factory doesn’t know how to make fat barbies

  6. Daughtio said,

    Ha, I want a Vassey doll.

  7. AO said,

    Wow. Slow blog day. Everyone must be out shopping for Barbies.

  8. Mainetarr said,

    “Downtown” Lewiston Barbie, comes with minivan, 13 children, assorted burkas and unemployed lazy bastard Ahmed Ken Mohammud doll. Special edition set includes Mosque, pig head, and retarded Ken holding head like a bowling ball.

    “Rest of Lewiston” Barbie is 300 lbs, removal teeth, red thong, tube top clad doll wearing assorted flip flops, understands French and carries Mainecare and Food Stamp cards in a wallet in her back pocket. She comes with four children from five different Kens, assorted colors and drives a run down Chevy Cavalier.

  9. Mainetarr said,

    Auburn Barbie comes with extra clothes in Walmart bag, including “I hate Lewiston” tee shirt. She drives minivan with bumber sticker saying “My kid can kick your honor roll student’s ass” and talks constantly about Kohls opening in 4 days.

  10. LaFlamme said,

    Lewiston Barbie comes with paw marks from being allegedly groped by mayor.

  11. Mainetarr said,

    And she looks freakishly like an adult cabbage patch doll.

  12. Linda said,

    From Wikipedia: “Barbie and Ken began dating in 1961, but broke up in early 2004. Rumor has it that the end of their 43 year romance was at least partly due to Ken’s reluctance to get married.”

  13. AO said,

    Ken is such a stiff.

  14. Linda said,

    The guy can’t commit.

  15. Linda said,

    Project Runway anyone? Are any of you guys out there into it? I bet Ken watches it.

    http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/living/2003276424_projectrunway27.html

  16. AO said,

    Now that I think of it, both Ken & Barbie are pretty much stiff.

  17. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    At the risk of ridicule I will admit that I collect Barbie dolls. I would suggest that Mark’s proposed line could be extended to Virgina and include the East End Barbie with baby’s daddy Ken, Buckroe Barbie and Colonial Williamsburg Barbie.

  18. Mainetarr said,

    I was watching E! and they are reporting a rumor that Ken and GI Joe have been secret lovers since the 1980’s.

    Isn’t there a joke about Divorced Barbie? She costs a whopping $79.95, but she comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, etc….

  19. LaFlamme said,

    Claaaaaaaassic Family Guy episode tonight, deriding the freakin’ FCC.

  20. LaFlamme said,

    They will clean up all your talking in a menace such as this
    They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss
    And they’ll make you call fellatio a trouser friendly kiss

    It’s the plain situation! There will be no negiotiation!
    With the fellows at the freakin FCC!

    They’re as stuffy as the stuffiest of the special interest groups…
    Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops
    Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops!

    Take a tip, take a lesson! you’ll never win by messin’
    With the fellas at the freakin’ FCC

  21. LaFlamme said,

    And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing
    You’re gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling!
    (Cause you can’t say ‘penis’)

    So they sent this little warning, they’re prepared to do their worst
    And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced
    I could think of quite another place they should’ve stuck it first
    They may just be neurotic, or possibly psychotic
    They’re the fellas at the freakin’ FCC!

  22. Linda said,

    Ah, I missed it, was otherwise engaged. But I just checked my DVR and I see that I had the good sense to record tonight’s episode. A treat for tomorrow.

    Thanks for the preview, Mark

  23. Montel said,

    Wow, you’d think a real journalist would have realized that the mayor was found not guilty, meaning the slut was lying. Guess there isn’t a journalist around these parts.

  24. LaFlamme said,

    Montel is right. I meant “ALLEGEDLY groped by the mayor.”

  25. AO said,

    A trouser friendly kiss..hahaha.

  26. K2 said,

    Montel, why don’t you use your real name, Dan? You really define the word ‘pathetic.’

  27. Gil said,

    Why do Congressmen dislike bookmarks?

    They like their pages bent over.

    Ba-dump-dum-ching

  28. shoe horn said,

    MOntel, I was thinking bout that- just because the jury found him not guilty doesn’t necessarily prove she was lying. Maybe it wasn’t that serious. I don’t know.

    BUT maybe our young girls need to learn to say: “Stop touching me there.” Before they are old enough to go to work! I never think it’s ok to blame the victim, but I have seen women & girls pretty aggressively flirting, seeking attention, etc, then acting like victims when they get that kind of attention. (I’m not saying that’s what happened with the mayor, I wasn’t there) Also mixed signals. In one job I had, they showed us a sexual harrassment sensitivity video and it was so disturbing because the women NEVER said to the man, “Stop talking to me like that.” Never. They were over-polite and it seemed like they wanted him to try harder, yet they talked to each other like he was harrassing them. Men are supposed to be mind readers, ey?

  29. Gil said,

    Shoe horn, K2, pay no mind to the attention whore behind the fake name. Dan is a frustrated, bitter old man who can’t get it up enough to stand up and use his own name. He can only hurl insults and lies from behind the facade of others.

  30. K2 said,

    We really have some quality people in our Congress, don’t we? Yoy.

  31. Linda said,

    K2 I was just reading the latest on the latest — PageGate. Very unsavory.

  32. jarheaddoc said,

    Shoe horn, I will throw in my two cents about the difference between guilty and not-guilty: there isn’t damn thing said in there about being innocent.

    I clearly see the irony of the story: Foley, a six-term Florida congressman, was co-chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children’s Caucus and a prominent backer of legislation to crack down on online predators and criminalize child pornography on the Internet. Now how could someone in that position dare think he could get away with what he’s been charged with protecting?

    I think it’s a hoot that he’s now trying to make himself out to be some sort of victim, also: the guy is entering rehab for alcholism. What was the worst treatment we came up with for a PEDOPHILE?

  33. K2 said,

  34. jarheaddoc said,

    There’s an old expression that stipulates that if a lot of people tell you the same thing, all those people can’t be wrong. Well, sometimes one person is right and everyone else is fucked up, and I offer K2’s link as proof.

  35. K2 said,

  36. "The Weasel" said,

    Back in the states and feeling good. Cool site to see how your name looks in russian…….

    http://www.callme.nm.ru/

  37. jarheaddoc said,

    Always wondered what a fucktard like you looked like, Weasel.

  38. LaFlamme said,

    Hey! That’s an unauthorized photo of me holding that sign with the name Mark LaFlammski on it. The pic was taken during my embarrasing fling with amatuer porn back in the 90’s.

  39. LaFlamme said,

    The SJ article on the dirty talking GOP never mentioned the gender of the page. Not that it matters! But still!

  40. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, when was the previous page scandal? Was that an 80’s thing or a 90’s thing?

  41. Republican Hypocrite said,

    That would be 1998, when the Republicans tried to impeach Clinton, because of a BJ, but in this case they tried to get the guy re-elected, until it became public.

  42. LaFlamme said,

    Naw, earlier than that. Not an intern thing, but a homosexual page thing. Late 80’s, I’m thinking.

  43. "The Weasel" said,

    JarheadDick… Why the animosity?

  44. K2 said,

    It’s a page out of history, Mark.

    The pervert’s in rehab now, to boot.

    Man, who isn’t in rehab anymore? I may check in just to be cool.

  45. Republican Hypocrite said,

    Perhaps you meant this one, Mark

    http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=2509889

  46. K2 said,

    And another school shooting. This is turning into a sick, sick country.

  47. K2 said,

    Jesus, I’m so bored I’m posting int he SJ. LaFlamme, quit what you’re doing and entertain us — now.

  48. Linda said,

    Hi Weasel, that wasn’t exactly SFW …

  49. AO said,

    Tell me about it!

  50. Linda said,

    K2 — nobody has mentioned the title Mark gave this piece. Can you entertain talking about that? What drugs does it refer to? Seconal? what?

    Sometimes, you just have to make your own fun 🙂

  51. Linda said,

  52. Bobbie said,

    It’s a reference to a book that was written back in the 70’s. If you’re not squeamish about some of the things described therein, you may actually like the book.

  53. Bobbie said,

    I apologize for the misinformation-Jacqueline Susann’s book was published in 1966.

  54. K2 said,

    Well, grass is illegal, so dildos and vibrators have to be too. Isn’t it nice to know that many laws suck ass?

  55. AO said,

    And this is supposed to be the land of the free.

  56. AO said,

    How’s the deck, K2? Did ya get it stained?

  57. K2 said,

    Yeah, a War on Terror, the War in Iraq (which originally had nothing to do with the War on Terror), school shootings every other day, 44 million Americans without health care, and our government is worried about the Evil Weed and artificial phalluses. Go figure.

    But they really should throw the book at people who grow shitty dope.

    Ahhhh, the deck. No, not even close. Ended up keeping the power washer an extra day to do the job right. Still have to do a bleach wash, then a priming coat, then my solid stain. And all because I missed one year of staining. Had a clear Sikkens stain on there that was supposed to be good for 5 years — ummm . . . no. Real happy about how this job has turned into a Pandora’s Box. I’ll stain it every year from here on out to avoid this debacle again. And it’s red cedar, yet I wish I just got the recycled shit you never have to stain ever.

    But I’m not bitter. . . .

  58. AO said,

    I’ll come help you, K2. I’ve done it before. Just give me a yell! 🙂

  59. LaFlamme said,

    It seems like I read Valley of the Dolls back in the 70’s, before I realized it was sort of a preview of awful things to come. Like the Lifetime Channel.

  60. AO said,

    The Lifetime Channel has some of the worst movies ever made. But, they do have, Will & Grace, The Nanny and, The Golden Girls. All funny stuff. The movies…blech! I’d rather go bat hunting than watch any of the drivel they put out there.

  61. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. They’re titles are a hoot. NOT WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER! NOT WITHOUT MY HUSBAND! NOT WITHOUT MY SYRUP OF IPECAC!

  62. Linda said,

    another earthquake what’s up with that? is there no NEW news? nothing new under the sun?

  63. Mainetarr said,

    Welcome back Weasel!!

  64. I’m Sugarloaf Barbie!!!! « Hedonistic Pleasureseeker said,

    […] I amuse myself at The Screaming Room when I’m bored at work. This post cracked me up: According to Mark, who seems to be feeling punchy more often than not, “Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Maine market.” […]

  65. barbie's sex pix said,

  66. Sasha said,

    OMG! I LOVE this. It cracks me right up! I am a long time Barbie collector, and these would be the best of the best!

  67. brenda said,

    my barbies were like that too but I never had a camera on them. I like the Brat’s – I knew she’d be naughty!

  68. brandan said,

    the Skowhegan Barbie

    this is the Barbie the Skank
    this Barbie is on welfare-for-life at 20 years old
    the Skank Barbie dresses like man,smells like a man,loves to spend the day
    bending over in public to show off her tramp stamp and g string’.
    has herpes simplex virus 500000
    favorite words: “shit…what the fuck…
    the Skowhegan Barbie ages in dog years,by 25yo they look 50

    a date night on the town for the Skowhegan Skank Barbie is eating at Mcdonalds and taking a stroll though Walmart

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