I know what you did last October

October 5, 2006 at 3:01 am (Uncategorized)

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I know. I go through this every year. These scary movies are awesome, these ones are terrible. Blah blah blah. I’m such a pompous ass. Even if I’m absolutely right. Which I am. And in advance of the silly season, I’ve provided some points to ponder while you’re out selecting a classic flick.

Halloween vs. Hellraiser (silent, hulking killer takes on punk rock dork. Halloween hands down.)

Friday 13th vs. I Know What You Did Last Summer (mutant chainsaw freak versus a bunch of hot girls. Unfortunately for the hot girls, Jason is gay. Go 13th.)

The Exorcist vs. A Nightmare on Elm St. (Regan spits pea soup on Freddie and his ugly sweater. Choose the Exorcist over all others.)

The Omen vs. Alien (Little boy against Sigourney in a tight t-shirt. I choose the Omen, but that doesn’t mean I normally prefer little boys.)

The Sixth Sense vs. The Village (Good M. Night versus God awful M. Night. NO contest.)

The Blair Witch Project vs. The Evil Dead (Nothing happens yet it’s scary versus a bunch of stuff happens and it’s stupid. Blair Witch all the way.)

Rosemary’s Baby vs. Phantasm (old people dabbling with the devil versus an old person who likes dead things. Rosemary’s Baby without question.)

Psycho vs. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (in both cases, stupid people getting punished for meddling. Don’t meddle. Go with Psycho.)

Amityville Horror vs. The Haunting (James Brolin and Margot Kidder when they both had careers pitted against a bunch of pretty people who scream poorly. Amityville will make you sleep with a light on. The Haunting will just make you horny.)

Carrie vs. The Grudge (a creepy chick you kinda like versus a creepy chick who just smells really bad. Carrie rocks.)

Night of the Living Dead vs. Chuckie (I don’t care who takes on Chuckie. Chuckie is one foot tall. He can be punted. Night of the Living Dead.)

The Thing vs. It (Together, they can’t even form a complete sentence. The Thing by a tentacle.)

Jaws vs. The Legend of Lizzie Borden (a scary woman who smells like fish. I’ll take the fish.)

Seven vs. 13 Monkeys (equals 20 monkeys. Go with Seven.)

Silence of the Lambs vs. The Shining (here’s Johnny’s liver with a nice chianti. Too close to call.)

Pet Semetary vs. Cujo (Dead little boy versus big, mean dog. Since I just gave away the ending to the former, go with the latter. And my apologies)

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30 Comments

  1. Daughtio said,

    Oooh, I can’t wait to start watching all these horror movies. Wait, I watch em all year round ūüôā

  2. Bulldog said,

    Sorry, horror movies are not my bag. Although, I have watched a few of the one’s mentioned above. You’ll never see me watch Hostel (after reading your reviews on it).

    I usually watch them through my fingers (like AO). My man likes to scare the bejeesus out of me too. If and when I do watch them, it’s during the day, wayyyyyyyyy before I go to bed. I guess my mind takes those movies way too seriously because I have major nightmares (or I’m just a big pussy). Just call me CatDog.

  3. Richie said,

    I’m sorry; I liked the Phantasm and Hellraiser series. That was some scary stuff. Crazy guy running around Lewiston with a chainsaw ? Who cares. Just let the Pinhead get loose and see what happens. No, not those pinheads; “The Pinhead”.
    I’m scared just sitting here typing this !

    And Zombies ! Zombies rule !! If its’ got a zombie in it; it beats most anything else hands down. Just look around downtown; see all the zombies here . . .

    Besides, you sure left a lot of good movies off your list.

    Here’s another one; “Dog Soldiers”; Brit soldiers on field excercises encounter . . . .well, I won’t tell you what, but the movie does hold your attention all the way through. It was a ‘sleeper’ hit, so they’re making a “Dog Soldiers II”, which. IMHO, won’t be as good as the first.

    Aliens II is better than I, but, yah, Sigourney rulez ! mmmm, space suit . . . .

    Phantasm I (there were 4 in all) was rated the 13th scariest movie of all time !
    E!-Online has it in the top twn of all time.
    The Tall Man would kick Rosemary’s ASS, and punt her baby for a 100-yd field goal !
    He can occasionally be found in Kenedy Park, after 2300hrs.

    No, I daresay most of what you’ve got listed is just crap. C’mon; “Chuckie”, an animated evil doll ? Gimme a break.

  4. K2 said,

    “I thought The Exorcist was a great comedy.” I think the Zodiac Killer wrote that in one of his letters to police.

    And, you have to admit, Exorcist III wasn’t bad. Not all-around great, but it had some great parts, especially the rubber-room dialoque.

  5. LaFlamme said,

    I left Brokeback Mountain off the list. Sorry, MT.

  6. LaFlamme said,

    Where the hell is everybody? I’m cold and lonely.

    It was night in the lonesome October
    of my most immemorial year…

    Who said it?

  7. LaFlamme said,

    What about:

    Death has come to your little town, sheriff.

  8. LaFlamme said,

  9. Richie said,

    #1. Edgar Allen Poe

    #2. Sam Loomis

    Liked the review. Can I ride in your gold Ferrari when you get it ?

  10. AO said,

    Wow. She nailed it! What a rave review.

  11. K2 said,

    Well, it was only ‘highly recommended.’ I mean, that is rather vague. . . .

    No, no, congrats. But anything less than a Nobel Prize in Literature for your next book will be thoroughly unacceptable.

  12. LaFlamme said,

    What exactly do they give Nobel prizes in literature for? Great contributions to society through literature? Yeah, I can see me doing that…

  13. LaFlamme said,

    CAUTIONARY ADVISERY FOR MOTORISTS: POLICE ROADBLOCK ON WASHINGTON STREET INBOUND IN AUBURN THIS EVENING. Hide your bongs under the seat.

  14. AO said,

    A roadblock on Washington St? What for? Is it to stop motorist without a valid drivers license?

  15. AO said,

    A roadblock on Washington St? What for? Is it to stop motorist without a valid drivers license? I’d better call Roch and tell him to stash the bong.

  16. AO said,

    Oops, sorry for the DP.

  17. Linda said,

    Hey, great review!! Are you working on the screenplay in your spare time, to make sure there’s a part in the movie for Sigourney Weaver? It’s something to consider, in your next book.

    It’s great to get the scary movie list out there early in the month, so we can get in the mood for Halloween. There are a few in your “recommended” column that I haven’t seen yet, must do something about that. Though I don’t know when I had a busier month than this one, so my movie watching time might be sparse.

    Dammit, I’ll be in Massachusetts on a work thing for Halloween — there goes the trick or treating.

  18. AO said,

    Hey, you could always go to Salem.

  19. Linda said,

    Love to, but I’ll be south of Boston and it would be a pretty inconvenient trip. I used to live over near Salem (in Lynn) and sort of, you know, done that already. Still, it’s a creative suggestion and it DOES make me think that there might be a way to still have Halloween if I can just put my mind to it.

  20. AO said,

    I’ve never been to Salem. I’d go anytime of the year.

  21. Mainetarr said,

    Salem used to be pretty cool, except it’s cheesy now that they have a statue of Elizabeth Montgomery on a broom. Gay…very gay.

  22. AO said,

    Yeah, she wasn’t a real witch. Just a made for T.V. one. But, I sure wish I could twitch my nose and get my house cleaned like she did.

  23. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, if you ever wanna go to Salem, let me know. I go a couple times a year. I don’t go on Halloween night anymore because it’s like Madis Gras. Big party, no creepy.

  24. Linda said,

    Do you get any of that beer? What is it, DT or something like that?

  25. LaFlamme said,

    Delirium Tremens. Yeah, I got a few bottles of that. Fourteen bucks a pop.

  26. Linda said,

    Sure is quiet around here. Did everyone rush off to watch some scary movies?

  27. AO said,

    I’d go to Salem anytime of the year but, I’d rather stay home for Halloween. I get so many trick ‘r treeters in my neighborhood that I NEVER want to leave home. Twenty tons of candy and… I’m set to go. Oh, gotta have a little vino to go with all that candy!

  28. Mainetarr said,

    I am watching The Haunting, it’s a series on Discovery. Every week they showcase a different haunting. This week is actually pretty good.

  29. LaFlamme said,

    Me, I’m watching the clock. It’s gettin’ to be about time to get the hell out of here. Out of the newsroom, that is.

  30. Mainetarr said,

    Now there is a show on about psychics who are investigating a 20 year old double homicide to find out what happened. Good stuff, man, good stuff.

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